Thursday, March 8, 2012

An empty basket~

Thursday March 8th 2012~

onelovejourney2012, one love journey moon rise, one love moon, moon rise

Letting go is not as easy to do as one might think.  It wasn't as easy as I thought it was going to be.  Perhaps holding onto things and burying them deep for so long as a defense has made letting go harder for me than some.
Shortly after the beautiful Moon Rise last night I went to sleep so I could wake early and cast away my burdens on my Stone Throwing day.


I woke at 3am.  Sipped my coffee and cruised the internet, my morning ritual till the sleep is out of my eyes.  This morning I was looking up spiritual and motivational speakers on YouTube.  I found one I thought I liked till I realized they charged a large amount of money to hear any further speeches or be a member of a site that promotes love and change.

I was put back by the request for money.  I wondered to myself if they truly believe in the message they speak.  If so how do they spend the money they receive? Some of them are long time well known actors and actresses so they are not hurting for money, so why the big fee to hear their encouraging words of love?  

To be fair I thought to myself,  I understand they need funds to publish the things they send you, I understand they need funds to promote advertising to reach an audience to a degree.  I get that they need an income.  I mean come on I am barely making it out here and relying on word of mouth, business cards, Facebook and twitter to spread words about love and change.  I could use some help with reaching more people, I could use a truck to tow myself to get to the next location.  However that has not stopped me from sharing here for free.  So why is there a membership fee just to join their site?  I mean if we order their books, tapes, sign up for seminars of course there is overhead for those things but can't they have a free membership to the site so those of us who cannot afford those extras can read or listen to the word of love and change for free?  I guess I am missing something here.


I decided to clean up and shower before I numbered my stones.  Time ran by quickly, as I sat down at my table to number my stones the sun was already coming up and I thought to myself maybe I should wait till tomorrow, people may see me.  Then I realized I have been saying this every day about each step of this process of letting go and told myself... "self pull it together, you can do this, you got this!"  Well apparently Self agreed and we started to number Our stones together, me and myself as support.

I opened the door to One Love and felt the crisp air, took a deep breath and began to push my wheelchair up toward the levee.  I reached the park and began to breathe faster as tears started to roll down my cheeks.  It was then I realized I was scared.  I was afraid of letting go.  Somehow this pain that has taken up residency in my heart has squatters rights and wasn't easily going to be evicted. 

I looked up toward the sky and said a silent prayer.  I noticed the birds all circling, rustling about in the trees and remembered Karen's words to me about change.  She told me in order to affect change I must convey that action is needed.  I must let others know that we have to do more than wish for it, we have to make changes to see change in our lifetime.  I had to do more than wish this pain away, I had to throw it away.  So I kept pushing, walking faster with a bit of aggression in my step.  I felt like I was fighting the pain that wanted out but did not want to be left to itself.  It seemed to enjoy it's meal, me who it has feasted on for some time now.

onelovejourney2012, one love journey 2012, throwing stones, gathering stones, numbering stones, stones, letting go of burdens, self love, jojo williams

I reached the docs, took a deep breath and sat while I looked into my basket of stones.  I pulled my tablet from my bag and ripped my list out of it, leaving the tablet on my chair.  I picked up my basket and headed down the incline to the doc.  I wanted to cast my stones as far as possible into the river and knowing I can not throw that far thought I had better go to the end of the doc.  








As I walked the birds stared on in anticipation of what I was up to.  What did I have in the basket wondered the ducks that started to gather.  

onelovejourney2012, jojo williams, casting stones, sunrise, letting go, moving on


As I reached the end and sat the basket down waiting for the boat to pass that was in front of me.  I said another prayer, I asked the universe to give me strength to really let go, bent over and in no particular order drew the first stone, read the number, found the number on the list and spoke my peace to that burden.  Once all I needed to say was said, I finished with "I let you go now, no longer will you burden my heart, be gone"  and cast the stone as far as my arms would allow.


The ducks gathered about thinking I was throwing food, they even came up on the doc beside me as if they were sure that I must have missed something in the basket, I did not have time to acknowledge them at this moment in time.  No this moment was one I needed for me.

I repeated this through some 24 stones as tears streamed down my face, my legs shook.  I felt release, I felt some of the pain relived.  I felt done.  As I cast the last stone, the biggest one, the one for me to forgive myself, my childhood, all the years I have punished myself for nothing I found myself throwing that stone with such force that I surprised myself.

I picked up my basket, crumbled my list, turned around and walked away.  When I reached my chair I sat and cried for a moment then headed back to One Love.  I cried the entire way, laughed and cried.

Once inside I gave myself a big hug and looked in the mirror and said a few things to Self that she needed to hear, played some music I had ready to calm my soul and sat in silence for a bit after the cd ran out.  

I was surprised how hard it was to do it, more surprised how emotional of an experience it was for me.  I honestly thought it was just an exercise.  I don't think I realized the significance of it's impact on me till I stood there at the waters edge with the stones and the list and said my peace to each and every burden then threw it away.

an empty basket, onelovejourney2012, jojo williams, one love journey 2012, lelania
Today I will start filling my basket with healthy ingredients
worth holding onto, the things that matter most.  Love!
I feel a bit raw this morning.  I feel relieved, and look forward to letting go more as I am sure for me this may be a repeated exercise.  I am okay with that.  I know I can do it now and I know I deserve to live without the baggage any more.

I am looking forward to a new day, a beginning of the healing needed for some unresolved issues that now sit at the bottom of a river, no longer in my heart.  My basket is now empty.  I will begin to fill it with ingredients of love, unconditional love for myself and all other life as we are in my heart all one, all connected, all learning, all trying to let go.  Today I let go for part of Us, I hope my sharing with you helps you to let go for part of us also.

Some of this is hard to share, I do believe though
that there are others out there who feel the same,
who also carry burdens on their hearts and I hope
my being able to share my fears, accomplishments
and triumphs help you the way others who have
shared have helped me lately.  I love you!
Just as I was getting ready to hit publish on this blog my phone rang and it was Tamar, my little sister.  She was one of my stones.  I had to let her be a big girl now and stop thinking I have to protect her.  I also had to tell her I am sorry for ever disappointing her.  I told her about her stone and made another apology to her on the phone.  She said "Sissy you never disappoint me, honey, Never" Then she went on to say that it is really good to have her big sister back.  Really good to be able to come to me again for counsel.  We laughed and cried together.  It is good to be back.  Before we hung up she said one more thing that I think will stick with me always.  She said "Jo, you are such an amazing woman and it is so good to see you finally seeing that for yourself." Thank you Sis, I love you so much.





I love you,
One Love
Lelania

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2 comments:

  1. Wow that was pretty heavy but good. Im glad you were able to let go of some of that heavy burden. Maybe I should do the same thing. There are plenty of stones I could throw thats for sure. Thank you so much for sharing you inspire me.

    Love, Kat

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  2. What a beautiful and profound ritual! You've helped me realize that I need to take action to release my burdens (especially Unearned Guilt), much sooner than later. Thank you so much for sharing this today.

    With love and much gratitude,
    Kimmy

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