Wednesday, April 11, 2012

CTRL+ALT+DEL= ESC


Also referred to as the "Three Finger Salute" is a great metaphor for where I am at today in my life.  By learning to control my emotions and reactions to situations I can add the ability of looking for alternate solutions to situations allowing me to delete the negative by allowing my focus to be on the positive which equals a positive avoidance or escape from the trouble I used to create willingly by denial of my own responsibility in doing so.

One Love Journey, onelovejourney2102, jojo wiliams
Accepting responsibility for my life, my actions, my faults, my feelings gives me results as beautiful as a morning sunrise full of infinite posibilities.  Brings light to the places that were once dark, illuminating the once caste shadows of my own doing washed away in the brilliance of light shining of the truth I am learning to live inside and out, the truth shall set me free is a great description of how I feel these days with the morning sun bursting full of possibilities and solutions to what ever comes my way.
onelovejourney2012, one love journey lessons, jojo williams, Mr. Marley
Innocent Puppy plays the victim to avoid seeing himself clearly!
I am learning the negative that hurts me will gravitate away on it's own mostly without any action directly from me when it is not fed or it is counteracted with positive thoughts and actions.

When we live our life being a bummer we mistake cheery people as the bummers in life, funny how that works.

The metaphor can be used in different ways depending on how we ourselves act in situations in our lives. There was a time when I would have taken this to mean more of "Control the situation by finding alternatives to taking responsibility for my actions and reactions (Alternatives usually equate to justifications in this case), then deleting the negative which I didn't see as myself due to my own justifications of blaming my actions or reactions on others actions or reactions as I chose to interpret them based on my defensive position".

Yesterday when I started this post with only the title "CTRL+ALT+DEL" I knew what was on my mind and what I was wanting to discus however didn't quite have an example to discus it with yet.  I like to show how in my own life I am learning change and not just talk about it or use others quotes or experiences as my own testimony to change.  Truth is we can all use positive quotes and affirmations to remind us of things, yet not practicing them just makes them masks to preserve our self created image.  My self created image for many years was that of the victim and for many reasons.

Now that I am not painting myself a victim in life by choice I do not take things so personally, my learning how to say no helps me to not see others no as a form of rejection or attack on me or my person.

onelovejourney2012, jojo williams
Beautiful Stunning Sunrise to warm the world with it's radiance.
While running through the many lessons of this journey so far that are applicable in this lesson itself and trying to think of one that would serve the best example I noticed Jim's trailer which is all white in color and sits on the side of One Love where my door is, right in my line of sight.  His trailer was glowing in a most brilliant pink.  My thoughts broken and interest distracted I decided to head outside and see what wonders the morning sunrise held for me and Mr. Marley.




Each morning breathes gifts of life now that I am truly living and living truly.



The Sunrise was telling a story of it's own.  I was once again taken back by it's beauty and the gift it gave me just sitting in it's splendor playing with Marley who seemed equally impressed and energized by the warming sun as it made it's assent into the morning sky.






onelovejourney2012, one love journey 2012, one love journey sunrises, jojo williams
Look closely, there are birds and ducks in flight, the sounds of their dance on the wind are as breath taking as the view of them dancing on the wind in the suns warm glow as it wakes the world around me.  I give thanks to the Universe and God for anther
day as Marley and I join in on the morning celebration of life.  I give thanks for being able to share with you the joys that now
replace the tears that once fell, the anticipation of a new day that replaces the dread of the day ahead that used to wake me
before I found the courage to face my fears, myself and my God.  Have a most blessed day, you are loved by all around you,
allow that love in.


The miles of farm fields surrounding the land side of the park were alive with birds and ducks as they sang in the sky while flying in their morning formation to welcome the warmth of the sun who breathes life to the lands and saturates the earth and all on it with it's beautiful glow.










I was glad I thought to bring my camera out and snapped some great pictures of the breath taking view taking breaks in between pictures to acknowledge Mr. Marley who was letting me know with tugs at my sweatshirt sleeve that he needed my attention.  It was morning play time in his mind, the sun said so, haha.

Let's Play, Let's Play, come on Momma let's Play...

Did you hear me, I said play!
While playing with Marley I turned the camera on him to capture his cuteness in play and was given many laughs as he tried to make the camera the target of his affections.  Marley is fascinated by the camera and wants it to become one with his mouth most days.
Must taste shinny thing with bright light,
must taste, must taste...
FINE! dumb stupid camera FINE!












It is fun watching him try to catch it with his razor sharp little needles of teeth while I snap shots of him only to back up giving the funniest looks as the flash goes off.  It is almost as if he is daring the camera to a duel as he lunges at it again and again sure this time he will sink his teeth into it and discover what makes this object click, haha.



onelovejourney2012, one love journey 2012, one love journey, Mr. Marley, jojo williams
Innocent Puppy MUST defend his VICTIM STANCE!
 After getting cozy back in One Love I loaded the pictures of the beautiful sunrise and my amazing super puppy excited to see them in larger form.  I noticed this one picture of Marley that instantly spoke to me.  The very picture in my mind of the post I was contemplating earlier on how to demonstrate by examples using my own experiences.  Viewing the look on his face I burst into laughter and was reminded of a look I used to have many days of "my poor poor life"...  Placing blame on others because they "made" me mad, stating "I only reacted" this way "because you acted" as my favorite defense.

I thought it would be fun to add the caption for this picture right into this picture for a more dramatic affect at showing how I used to defend my right to be the victim when I acted poorly or badly toward others based on my own defensive nature and need to protect my views of myself.

Upon finishing the edits to the picture I realized it would serve more than one purpose.  Impressed with his look and the catchy phrase I realized this picture would be a great addition to the idea I have been working on to help generate funds for this Journey. I wanted to test it out on some of my friends to see if they reacted to it the same way I did.  Everyone I showed it to loved it, exclaiming "omg that is toooooo cute" to which I asked "cute enough to be on a t-shirt or coffee mug?" and was told "Heck yeah, I would buy it".

One of my friends replied with an idea that included her in the mix saying "Omg, that is so cute, we should start a t-shirt business together we would make a great team"  She explained that she tried to start one last year and even sold a few designs.  That is easy for me to envision as she is very talented and inventive, however I explained to her that this idea was not one for personal profit.  This idea is one I have been working on for a few weeks now.  I have been trying to figure a way for this Journey to progress and pay for itself so that my small income of 850 a month can be mine to support myself while on this Journey.

Having gotten past my inner conflict over money with the help of my friends Karen and Diane who I turn to often for inner dilemmas now that I am open to the idea of reaching out and seeking advice from others I have started to put together an idea that I think may help pay for the costs that are way above my means, like gas, tows, repairs and eventually a truck to tow One Love myself once I have learned more about giving up control and trusting in God and the Universe to get me where I need to go in life which is a huge lesson for me, one dearly needed as well.

The dilemma was the idea that I may make more than needed for expenses and this trip is not about profit.  In fact it is about the opposite.  I grew so disgusted with what money was doing to me and many around me.  The way we as people value money more than people, our hunger for money brings about the ends of relationships based on greed mistaken for need.  This was one of the big contributing issues that lead me to the place of pain and turmoil that fueled my decision to let go of things and objects, money and people in my life who were in it for money.  One of the major reasons I let the dealership keep my Escalade as it represented a part of my life I now loathed, one of the major reasons I had to leave Sacramento and sold or gave away most of my belongings and began this journey.

The answer to the dilemma was found in the counsel of Diane and Karen who helped me to see that while money is an evil in many cases it is a necessary evil.  The helped me to understand that what I do to get it and what I do with it is up to me.  I have choices in my own actions that can eliminate my feeling part of the evil that I now know as money!

So I started looking into the idea of establishing a non-profit organization.  My thinking is the Non-Profit organization can pay for the costs of the Journey allowing me to keep my small income to pay for the costs of me.  If surplus comes in abundance I do not have to feel guilty if that surplus is used for good causes in local communities across the Country as I travel and find needs to meet in those less fortunate.  I want to help community based charities, ones that are not corrupted by big business or government.  Donating to big charities I feel that most of the donations will never go to the cause, as most causes have become governed by those who have become corrupted by their own greed or are ran by people formerly employed by companies that have a vested interest in the funds therefor creating a conflict of interest.

No, I want to help those who need it directly.  Find halfway houses to help, good causes like
Weave which helps women and children who are true victims of crimes and abuse.  Help feed the hungry locally, help the homeless, help inner city children with resources like counseling for abuse or programs that have been eliminated in schools due to budget cuts like the arts and music.  I want to help others and know that the help is being received by those who truly need the help not those set in place to oversee the help who to often become corrupted and start helping themselves.

My friend didn't hear me well, she only heard me saying that she wanted to take profit from my journey and that is not at all what I was saying when I declined her offer to go in as business partners on a t-shirt business.  People in my life are not used to me saying NO as well as I am only now learning how to say it.  Knowing I am new at saying no I try to do so honestly without resentments or hurting anyone as that is never my intention.

She quickly grew defensive and accusing toward me in the conversation claiming that she "thought" this journey was about bringing communities together "But" if it were my own personal journey in my mind that she would simply accept the Universe has something else in store for her"  I replied telling her that I resented her statement and made clear that "YES" this is my personal journey, this is a journey I am taking to heal my heart, grow and change.  A journey for me to own that the results I have gotten in life are due to the choices I have made.  I explained to her that my reasons for sharing this journey with the world were for a few reasons.  One to help me to reach out, open up and trust in others when I don't have the answer, to teach me to give up control and recognize I don't have to be perfect.  To be able to say aloud I am wrong, I was wrong, I am learning, I now see that is okay to do.  I also feel that the world can benefit from my experiences as well.  I am sure there are others out there who like myself have issues with control, issues with recognizing they are not a victim of others as much as a victim of their own choices like I have been.

I reminded her that My Personal Journey is mostly for this reason here....  The day I decided to let go of the past and embrace the future by taking this journey did not start as a good day for me.  In fact it was a the end in many ways.  Or at least it could of been had I not found a new beginning.  I am a person who has to have hope for the world around me, hope for others and myself, hope for my family and yours.  Losing that hope meant I had no reason to be here any more but I didn't want to leave.  I decided that I needed to learn to love myself first so that my hope cannot be stolen, I thought maybe if I share my journey others may find parts of it that strike a chord in their own lives and also regain hope that may be lost.  I decided that since I needed to learn to love myself and also needed to learn to reach out and let others help me I should start by doing things differently.  I have held in for years the pains of my childhood and life there after never wanting to think myself weak like I thought others who cried about their pasts and learned that doing so only led me to a place of lonely despair.

I was hurt that she still didn't see what I was saying but did not react from that hurt.  I simply explained my position on declining her offer which she reminded me was an offer to help me out a few times in our conversation as if she were only trying to do me a favor by offering to be business partners with me.  I told her that she was not being honest with herself and that I understood she is having financial troubles and that is fueling her need to find answers but this journey was not the answer for her or myself to gain off of money wise.

I told her that when I release my book that is my money to secure a future for my children and grand children as well as myself and then I would be more than happy to help her as she is my friend who I love dearly.  She was still defensive and reminded me that she has helped and supported me on this Journey.  I asked what she feels I owe her for buying me a carton of cigarettes and offered to repay it as soon as I get paid.  She replied by telling me she has read my blog and told others about it as if that gave her some vested interest in it or justified her attitude toward me in claiming I was hurting her feelings by saying no to her idea.

I felt an old feeling come up inside of me, the feeling I felt before coming to the place where I decided to take this journey, the feeling that led me to despise money and things and the way we as friends and family treat each other over greed as if it replaces the need for relationships in our life that offer us much more valuable treasures, treasures money cannot buy.

Beginning to now feel resentments build quickly inside me I excused myself from the conversation telling her that this was not a path I wanted to go down with her and it was starting to take me somewhere I prefer not go with her and ended our conversation on that note saying one last "I love you" before hanging up the phone.

I sat still growing sick to my stomach and angrier by the moment at what had just taken place.  A couple things were happening inside of me, an old internal battle forming  where I felt like a victim of her hurtful accusations and words.  I felt pure anger brewing for her justifying those words and actions by saying I accused her of wanting to take from the Journey when I did no such thing.  I grew disgusted with how she was acting as if I had wronged her and trying to place a guilt trip on me... How could she...  This is such..  When Self stopped me dead in my tracks.  That inner voice heard more clearly these days helps me to recognize when I am spiraling into that place I thought my best defense in disagreements in the past.  I hear that voice now as if it were someone standing beside me talking clearly and loudly whereas Self used be a faint voice in the distance drowned out by all the emotions, feelings and justifications that yelled and screamed in my defense of remaining the good person I had to believe I was, protecting my view of myself as a victim of others releasing me of owning responsibility for my thoughts words and actions towards others and eliminating my chances to change the out come of such events.

I looked at the Picture of Mr. Marley and read those words again I had added not so many moments before and read them aloud.  I realized I was giving up control of my emotions and in threat of doing what so many of us do oh to often in life, what I have done myself repeatedly...  Act as if we are justified in "Controlling the outcome of blame by altering what happened and deleting the other person from our lives for a time or for ever out of a need to be right."

Truth is my friend is hurting and by chilling out and trying to see what is going on with her, what the reasons behind the actions are I can now see that she is just stressed out, under the gun money wise, seeking an answer to her problems.  She is not a greedy person, I know her to be a giving and loving person.  I also know her to be tired of struggling like I was in life and like in our past she once acted in ways that led me to believe she was and still is seeking someone to care for her, someone to help her, someone to worry for a while so she can not worry for a while and remembered when I myself wished for the same after many years of trekking the rough times alone being the rock to many.

I released the anger and took control of my emotions back.. Truth is she never took them away I was giving them away.  I looked for alternate solutions and deleted the negative thoughts and emotions driving me toward an end result that would only hurt us both.

Doing so I can honestly say I am not mad at all at my friend.  In fact I am grateful for her giving me the lesson I needed to show an example of what I wanted to discuss.  I am sad that she is hurting and even sadder she is deciding to be a victim of me saying no and choosing to wallow in her place of "My friend hurt me" but recognizing that is her choice and not a reflection of anything I did while remembering when I used to think the same way and take the same position with people in my life who did nothing to warrant my feelings of being victimized by them helped me to be thankful that I am growing past that now.  Not to say I won't fall into bad habits again, I almost did this time.  I am blessed to be at a place where I am learning to recognize this and change the outcome for myself even if I cannot control the outcome for another.  After all I don't get to decide for others how they should feel or when they will learn their own lessons on these issues life, no one got to decide for me and dammit I took my sweet time in life deciding for myself to change that about me.  She is learning as am I, she has taught me lessons when I was on the other end of the lesson as she is now and has much to offer me as she has learned things I am still learning so I don't feel above her based on this lesson I feel equal to her as we are both screwed up in different place, haha.

This even gave me a clear and perfect example of how easily we can use the metaphor "CTRL+ALT+DEL"  to work for us or against us.  Ether way is an escape from the place we are at that fuels the road we choose to take in situations like these.  Weather we escape by blame and continue on a road that builds more bridges to replace the ones we abandon and burn to the ground out of need to protect our right to be the good guy who was just the victim of another or escape by taking the new fork in the road of accountability for our feelings and actions and build new bridges that strengthen the ones we crossed over to get here is up to us.  I can't control what she or anyone chooses to do.  I can control me and only me, and now that I am learning that I am seeing change in the outcome, but before the outcome gets to me I am realizing I feel much less pain, turmoil, resentments and anger getting there.  That Rocks!

onelovejourney2012, jojo williams, Mr. Marley, one love journey lessons

I am sure my friend and I will work things out we have weathered storms before and we both are good people with good intentions who love each other dearly.  She is not wrong in my eyes, she is learning just like me and that realization helps me to let go of the need for one of us to be to blame.

Have a blessed day my friends, one full of love and awakenings of your own.  Feel free to share them here if you even want to try out doing so.  You may find what I am finding...  It's okay to be wrong, okay to be missing a couple marbles, okay to be like everyone else out there... LEARNING!

I Love you all, especially you my friend, you know who you are.

Lelania~
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2 comments:

  1. As always, very insparational I wish I could put my words on paper like this. You have a true gift my friend. Weather you know this or not your words inspire people and I believe that you are helping others out there reading your story of life. Keep up the great work, I love you and Im behind you all the way!!

    Love always,
    Kathy

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  2. Dear Kathy,
    With almost 30 years of history behind us and our own rough patches in the road you and I are evidence to what friendship is about.

    My favorite quote on friendship is "Friendship is best judged by looking within" Grasping that concept has affected me much, being my own best friend first is teaching me to be an ever better friend to others. Interesting how that works. To be honest I do not have all the answers yet on how any of this works, I will say that while making changes is trial and error it is also progress weather it be the right or wrong attempt. Being an attempt at change is what matters most.

    You my dear touch my heart always with your replies, thank you for coming back for more that tells me a lot about my writing and weather you know it or not helps me a lot in finishing my book which will be a much more interesting read than this blog I assure you. hahahah all my dirty little secrets are in there as I have nothing to hide about who I have been or am today.

    Thank you so much for participating my dear, I love you so much and can't wait to see you again, it has been far too long.

    Lelania

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