Friday April 13th 2012~
“Listening to self” is giving birth to new understandings of many things for me; self is so much more than I realized her to be. “Self” previously referred to as that voice inside of me has been growing stronger and stronger mostly if not completely due to my acknowledgement of her, after all that is where getting to know her began. Today I hear her more clearly than ever before and when I listen to her the results are endless in amazement. When I don’t listen or cannot hear due to old patterns of thinking I get limited results lacking any appealing luster. I feel imprisoned, stagnant and compulsive. I feel restless and irritable, frustrated and angry.
|Falling in love with Self is a love affair of my truest heart!|
Not listening to Self feels almost like I am a child playing on the meadow whose Fairy God Mother is calling from the distance to give me a great gift yet I do not run to her and her voice fades till I find myself sitting on a log wondering what went wrong with my day.
Listening to Self, acknowledging my inner voice and trusting her to guide me feels like I am a child beside her Fairy God Mother being shown the Magic Door to a limitless new world of infinite possibilities, a magical world of unconditional love and abundant life, a gateway into change leading toward a place of honest and true happiness born of the truest form of love.
|The Change in Me required eyes that see Self|
I have felt change in and around me for a couple of years now. Looking back the most significant change, the place where I started to unknowingly wake up took place during the few weeks that followed the conception of my daughter Stella. From there the change in me began. She somehow showed me myself and who I am began to chang from there. She is special; she has an (invisible to the naked eye) aura of love that flows about her bringing peace and comfort to all who are in her presence. It’s as if she see’s through me when I am with her. She looks into my soul rather than at me. It is as if she has known who I am to become before I ever become her.
That is the only way I can explain how she makes me feel and has since she was born inside of me. I knew her from the beginning as if she had been with me all along. Her Fathers, My Baby Daddies chose the perfect name for her… “Stella” named after the Stella Maris a consolation of stars that guides the ships in the dark of night. She has been my guide through the dark of night into the light. That light beginning with new relationships formed and old relationships dying away. From the beginning of her the old of me started to shed away as if I were a reptile shedding my old skin being born of new vibrant skin that I now have room to grow in.
|Right and Wrong are in us not conditions set outside of us!|
While I do not consider myself a snake at all the use of the serpent as a description is not one I am afraid to use, as with this change my understanding of right and wrong is growing and changing as is my understanding of good and bad, pure and evil. The snake is no longer evil to me it is merely a snake. What the snake does is up to that snake and there is where the choices of right or wrong are made. Before that choice the snake remains a snake, it’s intent depending on the which path it chooses to take.
My understanding of the workings of the world, the order of all things, what is acceptable and unacceptable is being reshaped into a vast and never ending display of colorful lights intertwining and ever changing moving lights that meet others along the way and begin weaving new and fulfilling connections that sustain me in ways my past relationships never have.
While my life has been a Journey from the start this new spiritual Journey began with the birth of Stella inside of me. With her I was given a new path and choice to follow it, doing so meant walking most of it alone in the physical world. In the beginning I felt so alone, even those closest to me who are still in my life were held at bay only allowed to intercede to the extent allowed as not to disrupt my own awakening that had to be done alone in this physical world so I would seek understanding in the world beyond my view, a world I have never walked in alone but was to blind to see the rest walking beside me, with me. A world that cannot be seen by my physical eye as it required me to build faith within to see it’s honest nature and limitless wonders. Only now am I growing to understand and grasp what is happening to me, what is bringing about these changes inside of me that I still have so many questions unanswered and due to my impatience and need for results that I can see with my limited sight, at times I find myself left sitting in utter confusion trying to understand why I feel so lost.
It’s as if my subconscious “Self” is progressing at a faster rate than my conscience “Me” leaving “Me” discouraged and angry with the confusion of how to keep up with “Self”. At the same time “Self” growing restless and needing to move on. Leaving us both stuck in place because we need each other to progress forward.
While “Self and I” battle “Self” works outside of us to bring into my sight the tools needed to guide me a step further. Being given a tool my logical minds eye can see I am able to continue to build the faith growing inside of me that gives me a much greater gift of sight than any Lasik surgery or new pair of glasses ever can.
“New eyes are emerging that can see what has been unseen yet always existed in me!”
Is the only way to describe how I feel when Self and I reach common ground and work together in a harmonious relationship allowing outer relationships to form and grow in a positive direction that gives Self and I the feeling of being connected to something much greater than ourselves, a closer understanding to all things of importance which rarely includes the things that mattered the day before.
I did not understand all this at the beginning of it. There were so many relationships in my life that simply ended, some that did not end as simply as others as I was still hanging on or they were, causing much pain and turmoil in my life till I learned to let go of them.
My conditioned thinking still strong at the time left me feeling abandoned by the loss of so many relationships I had grown attached to. The feeling of abandonment fed my inner fears and caused me to act outwardly and inwardly in a destructive manner until I found myself with only two choices left. Stop there or move forward.
|Facing my fears one fear at a time!|
I hadn’t come to terms with the need for my relationship with self before this and did not know how important that relationship was in building the new relationships that are forming in my life today. To move forward I had to learn to love me and to do so I had to walk away from where I was and all who were close to me. That is where this Journey of new beginnings for “me and self” began.
Being out here in unfamiliar teritory is what I needed to be able to change my program. Program is a perfect word to describe what my thinking was like before I started taking place in the changes happening inside of me. Staying there was a dead end for me. Being here and moving there is opening new doors for me.
Sitting alone in One Love I am no longer alone, I can hear her now clearly. Where the sounds of others drowned her out in the past due to my need to cater to their needs to feel worthy, self who was ignored to long needed center stage and would have no Co-Stars stealing her spotlight for this stretch of the Journey. Self needed my full undivided attention and she is gaining it in larger strides than ever before. Together “Self” and “Me” are awakening “I” and “I am”.
I now find myself being drawn to people who are also waking up, I don’t think we all know it at all times, I believe I am just now realizing that I am waking up at all. Tomorrow I may forget, luckily Self is here now to remind me. I know this morning that nothing tomorrow will be as it is today or was the day before and look toward that change with excitement and anticipation. Even the bad to come intrigues me as I now see all things and emotions as part of the process to grow so pain and anger are not so scary to me anymore.
I am also discovering a new tug or war happening between my “conditioned thinking” that wants to continue its control over my life and my new “constantly evolving thinking” that wants to rid of old ways and habits that stunt new growth to grasp new and infinite possibilities that promote change for me, self and all others. Whereas before I felt small and insignificant I now feel connected and powerful to affect change.
This tug of war is not limited to inner conflict. Outer forces seem to tug at me as well. Some of the new people I meet who are not yet understanding the change happening in us all are attracted to me as we are both changing yet their own internal battle of abandoning conditioned thinking wants me to hold on to it with them or so it feels at times.
I notice this especially in regards to religion. As I grow more spiritually and learn to understand and develop my relationship with God I feel the forming of a strong and powerful moving force inside of me like a raging river washing through me, cleansing me, healing me, giving me understanding and guidance.
I have experienced a new tug of war happening with me in regards to religion as well. As I grow spiritually I find religion reaching its hands out to pull me ashore and confine me to a set criterion of beliefs. My desire to be around others who are on a spiritual journey can find me led astray by those on a religious path.
Having walked my path that led me to this journey of many paths I can no longer stand long on any path that does not lead to another path if that makes sense. I am no longer satisfied with a path of conditioned thinking and rules that do not promote love and acceptance. I feel as if I am dying like a sunless flower wilting in the cold night waiting for one drop of brilliant sun to awaken me so that my petals may flourish and grow into a new more beautiful fruit bearing flower. Every time I find myself on one of the dead end paths I find “Me” and “Self” at odds. Self growing stronger is heard more quickly and helps me to find my way back from those paths that take me temporarily away from the river flowing through me, my journey
This is a time of conflict, inner and outer for many of us who are waking up to our “self’s” and the world around us as it changes. Some of us are changing for the better some for the worse. I think it all depends on how strongly we try to hold onto past ways or how strongly we “decide” to adapt to change. The change is happening weather we grasp that or not, when I don’t grasp it I am left in a battle inwardly leading to outwardly when I do not reconcile the inward battle mostly because I need something or someone besides myself to justify my need to hold on to old thinking, old behaviors.
During this change I am learning new things and taking new steps so my footing is unsure. I have so many things I want to share as I learn them but old thinking gives limits to names like “God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, Buddah, Jah, Mohammad, Vishnu, Universe, Higher Power, Etc... The fear of offending others views or turning others off to my growing understanding of my own personal relationship with God lets my conditioned thinking tug harder.
When I let go of the need to please others and stay true to the truth growing inside of me I can express in ways I have never before been able to. My writing is born into emotions on paper, my drawing is born into life on canvas, my relationships are born of a common goal to love and nurture ourselves and each other on a much higher more sustaining level than any relationships before now, my relationships’ are growing toward spiritual relationships and away from superficial relationships of past.
Those in my life previously who I shared a relationship of unconditional love with are still existent and ever growing together and apart and together again always toward change personal and together for us both. Those that were built on superficial pretences and/or born of fears such as being alone or fear of rejection are ever fading without much effort on their or my part.
|Changes that bring inner peace begin inside of me and|
grow from there in abundance.
All of these changes happening inside of me are becoming clearer and easier to understand as they occur. Where it took days, months and even years to be able to look back and recognize the lesson in the past, today only takes days, hours and even seconds to see the lesson and with each new lesson I more eagerly anticipate the next to come opening myself up to more possibilities of unseen truths long ignored before.
The best example I have of how is where I am today. While this Journey began long ago again I recognize that only now am I participating in it. I had to choose to do so. Before today I did not quite understand that as clearly as I do sitting here this morning. I have said over and over again how amazed I am when learning how much the choice to change is simply a choice to do so. That amazement is growing into an understanding that the opportunity to do was always there as the knowledge has been inside me since the beginning of creation.
What I didn't know then is that without “the choice” all the available all along possibilities were not possible. The change was knocking at my door but until I opened the door and let it in it sat outside knocking. It was still there but not available to me until I simply opened the door and let it in or rather let it out depending on how we look at it. Funny how something can be in arms reach of us yet our conditioned thinking deceives our vision making it appear too unreachable to consider seeking it. When we feel alone and small in the grand design change seems futile so we choose to stay stagnant. What we don’t see is that change is right in front of us, it is happening right inside of us yet we don’t know ourselves well enough yet to recognize it there.
This past week much has happened. I have opened the door fully to a growing relationship with God. Before today I spoke the name God with unsure voice today I speak it with understanding that my God and your God are one in the same. No matter the relationship we develop or the name we call that relationship or Our God by they are one in the same. Grasping that there is no need for fear of my God offending your God as all paths lead to righteousness meaning Our Gods are truly one in the same. This eliminates also the need for judgments. Now with judgments and fears gone I can share my experiences knowing that you can take what you want from them as your experiences are your own and when shared with me I can also take what I want.
Together and separately we share experiences in our own times and places but we are all on a journey, some of us at different stages and some of us still unsure that we are even on a journey at all. Today I recognize that all of this is okay and the universe is truly unfolding as it was designed to.
Today I love you more as I love me more; tomorrow I love me fully allowing me to love you fully if that makes sense. My loving me more fully each day allows me to trust in myself and my connection with God and all creation through him.
I cannot find my God in any walls that confine me, I have tried and he is not there. Let me correct myself, he is everywhere. He is in me before I walk through the doors into the walls to join others in celebration of him and he leaves with me as I walk back out the door into the open air where he lives in all things living. The walls do not confine him the way they do many of our beliefs of who he is or what is needed to know him. Our traditions are not necessarily his traditions and no longer can I find enough comfort in our traditions. He is showing me his way now and it is full of love and understanding I never found in the many buildings made of walls of conditions where in the past I thought the only place to find redemption through him.
God as I am growing to understand him is true and unconditional love. The doors I used to walk through left me surrounded walls, walls that no longer are needed now that I have started to form a personal relationship with him inside of me. Those walls do not allow the true nature of God to flourish because they are built from conditions. Inside the walls of the religious institutions everywhere much condition is required to receive God’s love and grace. Inside of me all that is needed is the choice to accept Gods love and grace and learn from there.
I am starting a new book today and super excited after only reading the first chapter. I already want to kiss the author and have many times on the back of the book as I read the words that jumped off the pages of only the first chapter as if written just for me to read at exactly this moment in my life when I was ready and willing to understand them and understand them I do in ways I cannot explain other than to say that I feel now that I am truly not alone. I know now that there are many others out there feeling what I am feeling. There are personal Journey’s happening all over the world leading us all to one destination that I now more than ever patiently anticipate arriving at. I say patiently because each step of this journey is part of the final destination of it and equally important in getting me there. Grasping that is allowing me to turn all things positive in my life.
The author whose face I have kissed is Gary Zukav and the book I am starting is Spiritual Partnership. I now know that reading The Shack first was a needed step to this new step I can recognize already. Just in reading the first chapter alone I have found a billion answers that already existed right inside of me for the billion questions that kept me from seeing them, haha.
I will keep you all up to date on this new book and welcome you to join if you so desire. It might be fun to read together. I think reading The Shack first is a great idea, but again this is my personal journey, yours will lead you to your own answers in your own way. What we do to get there may be unique where we end up will be the same. I know that now in every fiber of my being. Will we all be there? I don’t know, can we all? Absolutely! It’s a choice to go. Again it is a simple choice, a choice to love. That is as simple as it gets. Getting there is a bumpy road; I know I have been on it for a while now. The pot holes get smaller than bigger than smaller again. It’s like a rusty Fawcett being turned on for the first time in a long time if ever. The waters will flow dirty and there will be much yuck that comes out until the truth flows freely and clearly and brings life to all who drink of it.
This was a long and deep post. This morning is a deep morning and my spirit is speaking clearly today, self is with me at the wheel as “WE” with intent steer a new and positive direction on this Journey. “We” being; God, Self and Me. Together seeking others like us is bringing others who are seeking the same toward us and us toward them. We are excited to meet them when we and they arrive. Until we arrive we may be on uniquely individual Journey’s however traveling them with God means we are all really on the same journey in our own ways and time. This makes sense to me only now as I am growing to understand God as the Spiritual Web that Connects All Things, All Beings, All Life!
|I love you is no longer three words of question for me, I can now say them freely|
without worry of how they are interpreted or understood as I now understand them.
If this blog is too much to grasp that is okay, it is not meant for you to understand as much as it is meant for me to, and writing it without example was because at this point it is just what I know. Examples are many to show how I know and understand these truths yet listing them would only slow down sharing what results they have given and quite honestly would require re writing verbatim all blogs before this one as they are all the examples that led me here.
Many new examples will emerge.
They will emerge quickly as has all blogs before this one that started with a concept or realization unrealized and I waited for the lesson to demonstrate the knowledge. Today the knowledge is there before the lesson sometimes. I think that is because the knowledge was there all along and some days I simply recognize it as truth and other days I have to wait for the lesson to fully trust it as my conditioned thinking likes to stick around more some days than others.
Have a most blessed day my friends, I love you from a place that does not know any differences between us that cannot be embraced by love.
One People, One World, One Love
~Lelania & Marley~