Friday, April 20, 2012

Memory Lane

Yesterday was a rough day for me.  I lost touch with Self and where we are today, Self and I.  I am learning how to love myself, learning how to set healthy boundaries with others in my life so that I can give them what I can with preserving some for me to survive with.

In the past I said yes to everything anyone asked of me.  Afraid to say no, afraid that saying no meant I wasn't there for them, I wasn't a good mother, friend or mate.  That thinking led me down a path of resentments leaving me drained with nothing left for me.

Though I have struggled most of my life to make ends meet I always made ends meet successfully until a couple of years ago when I fell apart and broke down, all the way down.  When I broke down all those in my life I said yes to were unable to be there to help or save me from myself.  I was hurt and resented them all for a while for leaving me to fall alone.  I realize now that I was meant to walk that path alone to make it here.  I needed to lose everything and everyone in my life to find myself in a place where I would reach beyond this world for love and support.

As I pulled myself back up and my life again improved the people in my life slowly returned.  People I love and value, also people who I trained how to treat me over years of never loving or valuing myself or my needs.  Today I am learning that love starts inside of me and grows from there not the other way around.  Sometimes that means saying no to people in my life.  Sometimes that means people who aren't used to me saying no get their feelings hurt.

The request was a big one, one that required a lot of time and resources from me.  A request that was not a sensible choice for me and not a reasonable request from the person I love.  The request was made over  a month ago, and left there until I did something nice for myself that this person read about and felt hurt over my choice to do for myself what I said no to them a month earlier over.  I was given a full guilt trip, one I accepted initially.  Old thinking, the old need to justify doing something for myself.  The old need to be loved, liked and approved of by those I love led me right into the battle field of arguing with someone I love dearly.  She accused me of pushing the people away from me who support me because I told her no.  A lot of very hurtful things were said that brought up the past and left me spending most of the day crying in remembrance of past pains and losses.

I tried to shake it, I knew that she was coming from a place of old thinking also, a time when all I ever said to her was YES, in fact I do believe this is the first time I have ever told her NO.  I tried to paint, and got a little done before this all happened but after this I couldn't paint no matter how much I tried.  Painting, creating art comes from a place of love or pain for me.  I am an emotional artist, my art and writing come honestly from the place of emotions that drives them.  I want One Love's painting to come from a place of love not pain or anger.

onelovejourney2012, jojo williams, lelania
Little Lelania

I gave up trying, the sky was growing hotter anyways and I was looking kinda pink from a mild sunburn so I wrapped up my paints and brushes while praying for some guidance and help then went inside.  I checked my email and to my surprise my Mother had sent me several emails with old pictures in them.  Tears fell from my eyes as I viewed them, memories came flooding in of days long gone.  Pictures of me, my sister and my mother from a time in life that was bitter sweet.  My Youth.

onelovejourney2012, one love journey, family reunion, family memories, my mothers daughter, donna, lelania, jojo williams
Reunited with our mother after her recovery

Seeing my Mother young and remembering the hard times with her also reminded me of how much I love her, how proud I am of her for all she has achieved since getting clean when I was 14 even though then I was to angry to celebrate her victory over heroin with her.  It wasn't until recently that I recognized she had her own demons that led her to the places she had to fight with everything inside her to return from.  Today with the love building between us and the pain and anger erased by forgiveness and understanding I looked at the pictures with a new heart, a heart that was full of love for her, full of understanding, full of regret for my own mistakes with my own children.  I saw her beauty.  I saw me and my sister and remembered the bond we share.

onelovejourney2012, jojo williams, tamar, lelania, maui, childhood memories
My Sissy and Me on the Beach in Maui during my teen years

I ended up on the phone with my sissy and then my mother and poured my heart out to them both about what troubled me.  I wished I had done so sooner in the day at this point.  Both my Mother and Sister support my journey in a way that puts my well being first.  They both gave me comforting reminders and ideas on how to deal with people in my life I have taught how to treat me while retraining them to respect and value me and my choices and love me still.

onelovejourney2012, one love journey, jojo williams, my sister and me

Tamar and my Mother were not the first I sought advise from to help me, I reached out to others and was given good advice and support however my old thinking kicked back in as if the need to not be worthy was determined to win this internal war I was having with disappointing someone I love who was not going to let me be okay with my choice not to do for them what I wanted to do for myself.

onelovejourney2012, one love journey, jojo williams, my mothers daughter
My Mother and Me

It wasn't until viewing my childhood pictures and being reminded of how far I have truly came that I was able to let go of that old need to be valued by the sacrifices I make for others to love me.  While on the phone with my Sissy and Mom I cried and laughed.  My mother made me really laugh hard, thanks so much Mom.

onelovejourney2012, one love journey, jojo williams, lelania,
 I found myself asking self... "Self, why didn't you call Mom sooner" and laughed with Mother even about that.  She was so kind and gentle with me, she was so level and funny.  She made things okay, almost as if she was right beside me rather than miles away.  She gave me a phone hug full of love that made me feel so much better.

My mother reminded me that I have the right to say "I am not going to allow you to talk to me this way, this conversation is over" She also suggested that I use time and caution in allowing people back into my life from the past so that they can learn how to treat me today.  I am only learning how to value my own needs and wants, the need to be loved by others is still there and I can still easily lose site of where I am today and where I want to be tomorrow trying to make others happy.  Especially when words like "it's great that your loving yourself and all but if doing so is pushing others away who have supported you doing so than what's the point?" are used against me when I simply say "no" to something that won't work for me, or I do not have to give.  I should have seen that statement for exactly what it was and recognized that truly supporting me loving myself wouldn't mean being hurt by me doing so.

Southern California Skate Girl

My Mother also reminded me that people in my life may be scared they are losing me because of my new approach of self preservation and to try to be understanding and patient with them.  In time they will learn that me loving myself only allows me to love them more.

onelovejourney2012, one love journey, jojo williams, lelania, memories
My Sissy, Our Grandmother Eva Mae and Me
Loving myself is the first step to loving others.  Building a strong relationship with me and God builds the healthy foundation that will allow me to honestly love others, not love them for giving me the love I don't have for myself. That kind of love is what led me to always trying to please everyone, meet everyone else's wants and needs so they would love me and not abandon me.

I had to learn and am still learning that there is one who will never abandon me, one who has been with me always, one who waited patiently for me to reach out and ask for guidance and help.  A relationship between self and God who lives in us all always.  I am learning that God connects us all, and to have honest healthy relationships with others I must do so through the love of self and God.

onelovejourney2012, one love journey, jojo williams, my sister and me
My little Sister and Me, I love you DS

After getting off the phone with my Mother I cried some tears of release and gratitude for her in my life today.  I looked at the pictures again, one by one they each spoke to me.  I looked at my younger self and realized how beautiful I was with my whole life ahead of me.  I wasn't over weight, yet somehow have always remembered myself as being big.  I remembered thinking to myself at those ages I was huge. My self image was always "fat".  I guess I manifested that reality in later years, lol.

While sitting in One Love crying and looking at pictures Glen stopped by to remind me yesterday was Theresa's birthday and dinner would be ready in about an hour.  I felt horrible that I had forgotten the date and expressed that to Theresa at dinner, she was not at all hurt in fact she understood and asked me to share my hard day with her.  I didn't want to burden her with my sad day on her special day but she is so much like a mother figure I cannot help but honor her wishes to nurture.  I shared my pains with her and she also comforted me and reminded me that my saying no was a good choice, saying yes would have been to much and was honestly to much for someone else to expect of me.  I listened as she told me stories of past times in her life that were similar to where I am today.  She talked about the years of sacrifices made for those she loved and the beginning of finding happiness and love in her own life.  Today Theresa is in a good place with a good person who cherishes her.  I love hearing her stories of past somehow she always hides a lesson in them for me to discover.  That must be a Mother trait that we all have as mothers.

I returned to One Love to find Mr. Marley had woken up and made quite a mess going number two on my carpet.  The first accident of this kind and not on a good day to do so but what day would be a good day for scrubbing carpets clean of puppy poo? I yelled at him and scolded him, I felt horrible after wards and went to bed snuggling him and crying some more.

onelovejourney2012, one love journey, Mr. Marley, blue nose
Mr. Marley with blue paint on his nose, haha

My Birthday Party at San Lorenzo Park,
Santa Cruz, Ca

I woke up this morning with swollen eyes, my eyes are a dead give away for tears falling, they swell up bad the next morning.  I thought about going back to bed when I woke just before 4am since I cannot drink or eat anything till after my scan this morning for consultation on my gall bladder surgery.  Marley wasn't looking tired and was eager to play so I stayed up with him for a bit and then started writing, now the little bugger is sleeping sound beside me, haha.  Gotta love him, he is the best kind of unconditional love for me.  I am super excited for him to be getting a little brother next month.  He really is a doggy who needs a pal to hang with, otherwise I can look forward to every waking moment of my days being dedicated to giving him attention, haha.

I thought about not writing this post because it's not all happy happy joy joy, there is still a lot I have to learn about loving myself, there is still a lot I have to learn about trusting myself.  I realized last night that when I talk to myself, talk to the universe, talk to God and ask for help and guidance I receive help and guidance.  I am learning the meaning of "Ask and ye shall receive".

I can't wait for this appointment at the hospital to be over so I can eat and drink and paint and be merry, haha.  I feel better this morning than yesterday.  I don't regret yesterday, in fact I think I am recognizing that I am going to repeat the same lesson until I get it right.  I have to learn that putting myself first does not equate being selfish or not loving others it allows me to love them better by loving me first.

Thank you for listening to me this morning, I love you from a place that is unsure still of loving myself and that is okay.  I have to recognize that to work on it I suppose.

onelovejourney2012, jojo williams, lelania
30 years later I see me, me is amazing!

Have a most blessed day,
One Love

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