Friday, April 27, 2012

Who's on first?

I am learning in this book I am reading to be the Coach of this game called life by recognizing all the players on my team and deciding who to play and who to bench.  While looking deep for the true intent behind my actions I am discovering players on the roster that I don't recognize and some I do.

onelovejourney2012, one love journey, jojo williams, marley
Guilt is a powerful emotion, Guilt feeds off of Fears!
Telling my Sissy I lied to her was a huge big scary thing for me.  I tried to prepare for it, I told myself that this is part of doing the right thing and becoming a better person inside.  I even went up to the General Store and confessed my lies to Adrianne and Scott before Tamar called me back because I was so nervous.

What I didn't realize was that as my whole day was about telling her I lied to her twice in our lives,  her day was moving on unaware of what was going on with me.  When she got off work and called me I broke into tears as I told her I had lied to her.  When I started the conversation with...

"Sis I need to tell you something, I have lied to you twice and I need to tell you the truth"

She expected it to be something really bad, I thought me lying was really bad so I am not surprised that I gave her that impression.  I poured my heart out and confessed my wrongs expecting her to be soooo mad at me, soooo disappointed in me, never able to trust me again as I had spent the whole day playing this up in my own head.  She pretty much laughed at me, said "so is that it, sis" and made a couple sarcastic jokes about me being dumb and stupid and said she had to go she had a bunch of stuff going on.

I tried to call her back a little while later and she didn't answer.  I went through the rest of Wednesday feeling like I had hurt my Sister's feelings by admitting I have lied to her in the past.  What I didn't realize was what was going on in the background with my team.  Fear of abandonment was listening to guilt and took her place in the batting line up.  I wasn't paying attention to my team, left them to coach themselves while I thought I was okay with what had happened and went on with my day feeling sad but recognizing that was where I was at and being okay with it, or so I thought.

onelovejourney2012, one love journey, jojo williams, Mr. Marley
It's easy to mistake Fear as our MVP in
life, we think we are protecting ourselves
tell ourselves we are protecting others at
times, truth is fear needs more bench time!
By morning yesterday I had not heard back from her.  Without me calling the shots my team had decided on the line up and "Fear of Abandonment" was up to bat.  "Guilt" pitched a curve ball that put "Fear of Abandonment" on first base. That's when "Anger" stepped up to bat and hit one out of the park bringing "Fear of Abandonment" and "Anger" all the way home.

In my mind everything was about me.  My Sister was over it, wasn't really bothered by it in the first place and on to dealing with her own life.  I didn't know that, silly that I assumed it was her turning her back on me for being the dumb stupid lying sister I felt like I was. After all, my Sister's life is hectic, she has 3 school age children and a husband.  She works, works out, volunteers to cook for the church, has an active social life and a daily dozen things on her table at all times.  Most conversations these days end in... "Hey, Sis let me call you back" after only a few minutes on the phone.  She is a busy girl and I get that as I have been there.

I didn't get it yesterday and let myself get the best of myself.  I sent her an email in the morning and after a few hours got no reply so I kinda lost it.  I sent her an second email, by this time I was in total melt down and just wanted a reply.  Sometimes negative attention is better than no attention.  I had a bunch of things listed that I had forgiven her for over the years, all reasons she needed to forgive me, and forgive me now dammit, haha.

By the time my Sister got her email she was like what the hell is wrong with you dumb stupid sister, haha.  She being at work didn't have time to deal with my melt down so I spent the day crying and freaking out thinking my Sister wasn't going to talk to me ever again.  Funny how our fears get so big when we let them play out in our minds.

By mid day she got off work and when we talked she totally crushed my attempts to make her fight with me for fear that fighting was better than being ignored.  She "again" told me how silly I was being and that my lie was not that fricken serious but I was doing a good job of pissing her off now by throwing up stuff from our past.  We both ended up on the phone laughing our arses off over how easily I lost it.

onelovejourney2012, one love journey, jojo williams, mr. marley
Sharing our fears, being honest with you today about my wrongs,
telling my sister I lied to her this was all scary things for me, I am sure
some of you thought to yourself... "self, why would she do that" well
here I am still breathing, my Sister and I are okay, and I learned that
my fears are false evidence appearing real in many cases.  I hope
me sharing helps someone else to realize this to so we can stop
putting on clean outer appearances in life and start getting real with
ourselves and others and begin to be on the inside what we present
on the outside.  Oh what a cool world an honest world would be.
Why I thought my Sister would abandon me over this is beyond me, the only thing I can say is old fears die hard.  I have been out here conquering my fears, so some of them have been on the bench for a while now.  Before I even started using the metaphor of me coaching my team I was benching my players that play on the fear side of the team.  I have been nurturing my players that play for love.  Well apparently being benched for a while "Fear of Abandonment" wanted to play really badly.

I realized yesterday that I totally gave up control of my emotions, let my fears get the better of me and ran with it... all the way home.

I felt like I was doing the right thing by telling her and I know my Sister loves me no matter what.  She even said to me when I told her...  "Sis, you have told me way worse than this.  Why did you lie about something so unnecessary?"  She wasn't mad about me lying to her, I was mad at myself and had been since I lied so to me this was huge.

I learned how easy it is for things to get out of hand in my own mind, my fears are strong and when I don't take control of my emotions and decide which players are on the roster, fear has free range to do all it wants to do to me and to the game.  This could have gotten bigger than it did but thankfully my Sissy saw exactly what was going on and defused this downward spiral of mine.

I also learned that making amends is not as scary as I made it out to be in my mind.  My Sister supports my taking this Journey, she wants me to find the love for myself she has had for me all along.  I learned that I need to be patient with myself and those I make amends to.  

In the end "Humility and Forgiveness" won the game putting "Fear" back on the bench where she belongs.  Over time I will get better at controlling my Fears as they arise.  This was a valuable lesson and one I am grateful that involved my level headed Sister.

I have a long way to go on this Journey, learning to love myself is harder to do than I thought some days.  My Sister forgave me instantly, I needed to forgive myself and that is the hard part for me.  I feel much better now that I told her the truth.

Love you Sis!

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