|This mornings sunrise mirrors how I feel, inner turmoil and fear brewing a storm|
This is a hard post to write, it requires me to get real with myself. There has been a battle going on inside of me for some time now. I have been somewhat successful at pretending that I have justifications to ignore a few things that I have done in my past.
|Though this hurts, I know deep inside this is a|
process, I know to reach a place of no more
pain I first have to face the pain I have avoided
I have told myself that telling her would only hurt her when the truth is that telling her will hurt us both. Internally I have been battling with this since beginning to love myself. When I didn't love myself or believe myself worthy of love it was easier to justify things that made me worthless as I felt that way already. Today I am trying with everything inside me to begin loving who I am inside not outside. Learning who I am, getting to know self. Trying to be someone I can be proud of, someone my Sister can be proud of, someone my children can be proud of.
At the center of me there is much pain, much regret and much disgust. In the past I was able to ignore these truths because overall I have been a good person in my thoughts and actions towards others. Overall I have been honest most of my life when I have wronged others, owned it, apologized for it and made right what I did wrong. I have been real good at being able to admit when I realize I am wrong most of my life.
To be truly honest I have been equally as good at deceptions and justifications of those deceptions by telling myself that my intentions being good excused my actions.
The biggest deception I am learning is the picture I painted of myself for myself. In my efforts to think myself a survivor rather than a victim I lived most of my life as a victim. I am learning now that my deeds good or bad are not as important as the intent behind them. In this book I am reading I am learning to ask myself what my true intent is. Finding the answer to that is requiring me to peal away many layers to get to the true intent of my actions of past. Layers upon layers of intentions bringing reality into sight, a reality that stings like an onion bringing tears to my eyes. The sting is the realization of the denial I have used to survive thus far.
Part of me wants to play it down to make myself look like a better person, the other part wants to play it up to punish myself more (something I have a lot of experience doing), part of me wants to play chicken and just cross the road to get to the other side without dealing with this. The reality is I lied to my little Sister. No matter how big nor small of a lie it is a lie and a lie is a lie.
Some might say "'Sometimes it is best to just let sleeping dogs lie" but I'm not a dog, I am not so fortunate. I never understood that saying anyways. Dogs don't even lie, they don't know how. They don't even know how to hate. Dogs are not sneaky, they are loyal, they know how to love unconditionally it is the only love they know. It is the only love there is.
What we call love is not love at all in most cases. We think of love in terms of something that is gained and lost, given and taken away. Love is none of those things. Love is not ownership, it has no lines, no rules. Love is Love. We spend most of our lives searching for love only to be disappointed because it is not love we are searching for at all.
Cleaning up my side of the street isn't so easy. I have begun the process of doing it and now that I am crossing this road I find myself feeling very alone and not even self is comforting me today. Times like these I wish I had someone here with me. You know my own other half to lean on. The past two days have been rough. Yesterday I got the results on my scan and I am getting my gall bladder removed soon. I also have to go to another kind of doctor for some more tests because of where my pain is located and I have to get a biopsy done a lump in my left breast. So I am feeling scared all the way around, I am feeling alone all the way around and I just told the person who I would spend most of my time on the phone with over these things that I lied to her so I feel kind of stuck in this place feeling sad and alone. I think it may be suiting that I am healing my soul while healing my body. This is my new construction zone and things might get a little dusty, we may need to wear some hard hats around here. I don't know what the new structure is going to look like but I know it will be built on a solid foundation.
Today I am not so proud of myself, I hope one day soon I will be proud of myself for having the courage to do this. Today I don't feel so courageous today I feel like a chump. Hurting my little Sister's feelings really sucks. I don't know which is worse living with the guilt of lying to her or the guilt of making her sad. Both suck.
Thank you for reading today, I love you all from a place where I am unsure I deserve your love in return but want it and need it anyways. I love you from a place that is raw and scared and feeling kind of alone. I love you knowing that I am learning to love me by dealing with this stuff. Thank you for helping me do that.