Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Why did the Chicken cross the road?

onelovejourney2012, one love journey, jojo williams
This mornings sunrise mirrors how I feel, inner turmoil and fear brewing a storm
I've mentioned previously the new book I am reading, "Spiritual Partnership" by Gary Zukav.  I have to say that this book is becoming part of me, or I part of it.  Either way, this book is part of this Journey.  I am finding answers in the pages of this book to who I am and who I am becoming.  Today I am looking at who I have been.  Digging deep into the darkest parts of myself and finding my true intent.

This is a hard post to write, it requires me to get real with myself.  There has been a battle going on inside of me for some time now.  I have been somewhat successful at pretending that I have justifications to ignore a few things that I have done in my past.

Ignoring things doesn't make them disapear, no they just gnaw at
us till we face them or eat away at our souls till we are not here
anymore.  I don't want to carry my baggage any more, I need to
lighten the load.  I hate that doing that means hurting someone I love!
I have lied twice to someone I love.  I have told myself over and over a dozen or so reasons why I did this in attempts to feel okay with it.  The first lie was long ago and so unnecessary.  The second lie was not as long ago.  The someone I lied to is My One Person, She is my Sister.  My Sister is the most important person in my life.  There are many who are equally important, however She is the first bond in my life.  She has stood by me through everything.  She has never abandoned me no matter what wrong choices I have made in life.  Telling her that I lied to her is the scariest thing I can think of.  The fear of losing her is powerful.

Though this hurts, I know deep inside this is a
process, I know to reach a place of no more
pain I first have to face the pain I have avoided

I have told myself that telling her would only hurt her when the truth is that telling her will hurt us both.  Internally I have been battling with this since beginning to love myself.  When I didn't love myself or believe myself worthy of love it was easier to justify things that made me worthless as I felt that way already.  Today I am trying with everything inside me to begin loving who I am inside not outside.  Learning who I am, getting to know self. Trying to be someone I can be proud of, someone my Sister can be proud of, someone my children can be proud of.

At the center of me there is much pain, much regret and much disgust.  In the past I was able to ignore these truths because overall I have been a good person in my thoughts and actions towards others.  Overall I have been honest most of my life when I have wronged others, owned it, apologized for it and made right what I did wrong.  I have been real good at being able to admit when I realize I am wrong most of my life.

This is the same tree that had the Owl face heart that I wept upon seeing.  I sit at a bench in front of it to watch the sunrise each morning, this morning the Owl face is gone, it looks like two red bumps.  It wasn't until I looked at this on my computer that I
noticed the face below it.  I feel as if nature mimics my feelings these days.  Or as if this tree is as disgusted with me as
I am with myself.  Logically I know this can't be.
Deep inside I know that this can always be as I create my own reality and somehow knowing that,
I mean really knowing that these days seems to show me different things today, things I couldn't see yesterday.

To be truly honest I have been equally as good at deceptions and justifications of those deceptions by telling myself that my intentions being good excused my actions.

The biggest deception I am learning is the picture I painted of myself for myself.  In my efforts to think myself a survivor rather than a victim I lived most of my life as a victim.  I am learning now that my deeds good or bad are not as important as the intent behind them.  In this book I am reading I am learning to ask myself what my true intent is.  Finding the answer to that is requiring me to peal away many layers to get to the true intent of my actions of past.  Layers upon layers of intentions bringing reality into sight, a reality that stings like an onion bringing tears to my eyes.  The sting is the realization of the denial I have used to survive thus far.

I think I am beginning to understand why we battle so much
outwardly, facing the inward battles requires we see ourselves.
Pointing the fingers at others is easier initially.  I hope pointing
them inward ends up easier in the end than avoiding doing so did!
Working on self, accepting self, loving self I has brought me to a place where I must cross this road to get to the other side and continue on my Journey.  I have tried to go around looking for a crossing that doesn't require me to face this but I just end up back here.  I woke up this morning ready to go into battle with this thing eating at me, I put on my war paint and told myself I could face this.  If only it had been that easy.

Part of me wants to play it down to make myself look like a better person, the other part wants to play it up to punish myself more (something I have a lot of experience doing), part of me wants to play chicken and just cross the road to get to the other side without dealing with this.  The reality is I lied to my little Sister.  No matter how big nor small of a lie it is a lie and a lie is a lie.

Some might say "'Sometimes it is best to just let sleeping dogs lie" but I'm not a dog, I am not so fortunate.  I never understood that saying anyways.  Dogs don't even lie, they don't know how.  They don't even know how to hate.  Dogs are not sneaky, they are loyal, they know how to love unconditionally it is the only love they know.  It is the only love there is.

Dogs just don't lie like we let sleeping dogs lie.  If only we lived in a world where we thought more like puppies
do, a world where we didn't know how to lie, or recognized that there is no need to, appreciated the need to
be honest, the need to speak the truth.  Gained the lessons of doing so and had less reasons to want to lie after
wards.  Part of wanting to live in a world where we get honest means I too have to get honest.  Today I am trying
to do just that, it isn't easy to do but I am going to do it, I am going to make it through this part of the Journey if
I am going to earn the right to enjoy happier days on this Journey, happier days in my life, happier days with self!

What we call love is not love at all in most cases.  We think of love in terms of something that is gained and lost, given and taken away.  Love is none of those things.  Love is not ownership, it has no lines, no rules.  Love is Love.  We spend most of our lives searching for love only to be disappointed because it is not love we are searching for at all.

I am so sorry I hurt you beautiful little sister, I am sorry I put tears
in your eyes and on your heart.  I love you so much and hope you
can forgive me for lying to you.  I am sorry sis, I suppose that for
a while I get to be the dumb stupid sister, I got that coming.  xoxo
Today I had to get real with Self and with my Sister.  Today is one of the rough days of this journey.  Today I am not so proud of me.  Today I am crying a lot.  I started this post at Sunrise this morning, this was a hard one to write.  I think my Sister is more hurt by the fact that I lied to her than what I lied about.  She asked me why I even lied about it and pointed out that I have told her far worse than this so why lie? I didn't know.  I was scared was the only answer I could give her.  I know she still loves me, because what we share is truly love.  We have a bond that surpasses all things in our lives.  That doesn't make this any easier however.  I had hoped I would feel better after telling her but truth be told I don't because now she is sad too so I only feel worse.

Cleaning up my side of the street isn't so easy.  I have begun the process of doing it and now that I am crossing this road I find myself feeling very alone and not even self is comforting me today.  Times like these I wish I had someone here with me.  You know my own other half to lean on.  The past two days have been rough.  Yesterday I got the results on my scan and I am getting my gall bladder removed soon.  I also have to go to another kind of doctor for some more tests because of where my pain is located and I have to get a biopsy done a lump in my left breast.  So I am feeling scared all the way around, I am feeling alone all the way around and I just told the person who I would spend most of my time on the phone with over these things that I lied to her so I feel kind of stuck in this place feeling sad and alone.  I think it may be suiting that I am healing my soul while healing my body.  This is my new construction zone and things might get a little dusty, we may need to wear some hard hats around here.  I don't know what the new structure is going to look like but I know it will be built on a solid foundation.

Some days I look like this, my hair a mess, my eyes puffy and red
some days I am not so perfect, not even close.  This is who I have
to learn to love and accept, learn to look at and learn not to hide.
Some days we all look like this and it is these days we need each
other the most yet it is these days we mostly spend alone, hiding.
I know that this is where I need to be right now.  Feeling this is what I need to do so I am doing it.  I have been here before the only difference this time is that while I feel alone I know I am not alone.  God is with me and this time I am asking him for his forgiveness and support through this.  If it weren't for that change I don't know that I could have done this.

Today I am not so proud of myself, I hope one day soon I will be proud of myself for having the courage to do this.  Today I don't feel so courageous today I feel like a chump.  Hurting my little Sister's feelings really sucks.  I don't know which is worse living with the guilt of lying to her or the guilt of making her sad.  Both suck.

Thank you for reading today, I love you all from a place where I am unsure I deserve your love in return but want it and need it anyways.  I love you from a place that is raw and scared and feeling kind of alone.  I love you knowing that I am learning to love me by dealing with this stuff.  Thank you for helping me do that.

One Love
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