Tuesday, May 8, 2012

It's Okay To Cry~

Stella Bella my Angel, Happy Easter Baby
I woke up this morning in my new space in the park~ Turned on the coffee pot & computer and took Mr. Marley out to do his morning business.  The moonlit air was crisp and fresh but not to cold, signs of a hot day in the making.

I returned to One Love and poured some coffee and sat down to read my emails.  The first I opened was from my Baby Daddies....  "New Stella Pics".  Viewing two months worth of pictures I found myself crying...  A deep cry, long and painful cry that came from deep within my soul.  I have not cried like this in a long time.

Sand Discovery is a very important discovery to a toddler, haha
So much was going on inside of me.  A compilation of events and past pains mixed with current losses and pains formed inside of me like a storm at sea, a big storm and there I stood on the deck of a small ship with waves tossing me around, crashing into me without mercy determined to make sure I felt the very source of the raging storm, the source is me, my pain, my dragons needing slaying.

Losing Jacob, seeing the pain my nephews feel, his family feels.  Glen and Theresa moving away yesterday, they have been like family to me and with me since my first location.  I came to think of them as surrogate parents in a way.  Then Stella Bella my little Angel, my biggest sacrifice in life, my greatest failure as a mother in my own mind when I need to self punish or wallow, today I needed to weep.  Today I needed release from all that pain I was avoiding and Stella provided that release with her beautiful pictures playing in the sand and enjoying her first Easter Basket.  Stella opened up the gates to the sea for me and the pain rolled out of me like waves from the sea crashing down on the sand.  The storm brewing inside me broke and I sat rocking in my chair sobbing, praying, talking to her with each picture telling her how much Momma loves her.
Eating Sand not so good, haha

My instincts wanted to shut it down, stop the pain, stop crying, Bury it deep where no one could find it.  I have come to far for that now.  The idea of avoiding my pains is as useless as a Sun Hat in a Rain Storm.  I am able to recognize now that pain is a gift and reminded myself of it being a gift as I sat rocking and praying to God to help me through this pain, this loss, this loneliness, this missing her, Jacob, Glen and Theresa, my Nephews, My Sons, My Dumb Stupid Sissy, My Mom.

Through all this my old behavior and abilities to ignore myself easily crept back till I found myself a day after returning from Jacobs funeral unable to get out of bed and in pain having a full blown gall bladder attack and having swelling in my left ankle with shooting pains up my leg and strange aches in my left shoulder and jaw.  This is what my body does when I ignore me, it breaks down allowing me the opportunity to lay down, an opportunity I won't take otherwise.

Making footprints in the Sand my little Angel, Momma is so proud of you
While I am not there with you, I am beside you every step of the way
God connects us, our bond never broken.  I love you Stella
With only two days to go till Glen and Theresa left I was also avoiding them as in my mind somehow I believed that if I didn't admit they were leaving they then wouldn't leave.  Silly I know but I am sure some of you can relate to these emotions and thoughts.  Besides this journey is about honesty, being honest with myself and the world so I can let go of what does not sustain me and grab onto what does.

Shutting down does not sustain me, it slowly eats away at me.  Sharing, opening up, letting others in, allowing others to feel good by helping the same way I feel good by helping others; all these things sustain me in ways I cannot explain other to say I know love now whereas I only thought I knew it before.

Half way through the day I realized what I was doing.  After all I have done this for years; now that I am digging deep and cleaning out these emotional closets I recognize these things and when I do I am faced with a choice.  See before this was just behavior, this was all I knew.  I know better now so when I recognize the behavior I have a choice to make; continue the behavior knowing where it will lead or change the behavior and challenge the parts of me that I no longer want to let control and destroy me.  Today I don't want to be destroyed, this whole loving myself thing is way to powerful for the old destructive behaviors of yesterday to satisfy me the way they used to.

Go Stella Go!  Get your walk on baby love.  You little rock star you!
You are learning to walk strong, I am learning to walk strong also!
You are learning the beauty around you; each grain of sand a new discovery.
I am learning the beauty inside me, each pain a new gift to heal.
 Momma is working hard to grow strong too
 Striving to be a woman I can be proud of, one you can be proud of too!

So I chose to get in the shower, get dressed, took two pain pills.  I recognized that taking a pain pill or two when I am in that much pain is okay.  I tend to be an all or nothing person at times.  I don't want to use pain pills to sedate my feelings so I don't take them to ease legitimate pains and allow myself to suffer.  This book "Spiritual Partnership" is seriously helping me to learn things like this about myself. The pains pills are not the issue, my issues are the issue.  My issues need to be addressed or I will simply exchange pain pills with another way to avoid the issues.  I like the way the book refers to them as Dragons, Inner Dragons that I must go on a journey to the deepest parts of me and battle. I must slay the dragons.  I like having a visual to refer to when trying to deal with My Issues.  I also like the idea of me being a warrior and facing the dragon, I don't really want to kill my dragons however;  I want to heal my Dragons and sit down with them and share a picnic of fresh nuts and fruits on a hillside afterward.  You know chill out with my dragon all healed and laugh over old times and silly things we used to do together like burn down villages inside of me, haha.  My Dragons are no punks let me tell ya!

Stella's Easter Basket
May your basket always be full of healthy ingredients that sustain you my love
May your heart always heal any pains your life brings for you to feel
May you know deep inside I loved you from moment one, a love that will never die!
May you grow up to accomplish all of your dreams, smile and laugh, enjoy even the little things
May you know God loves you as you are, your as amazing as the brightest star
I love you Stella Bella, I always have and always will
Momma's so proud of you baby

So Day two rolled around and it was one day left till Glen and Theresa were leaving and the ankle thing got worse so I ended up in the ER with Lynette who was so kind to take me.  I got an ultra sound of my leg veins to see if there were any clots.  I am going back in today for my results.  We were there for 5 hours before I said lets go I'll come back.  We got back to One Love about 2:00 am and crashed only to get up at 6:00 am so I could see Glen and Theresa off.  It was a great morning, we laughed, hashed over our 4 months together and then the drove off with Theresa waving goodbye saying... "I love you" and I knew she meant it as I said "I love you mother Theresa" back to her and off they went.

I was sad to see them go, that sadness was interrupted by my need to prepare One Love for it's own move.  I got to move into Glen and Theresa's spot which is up higher in the park and has a way better view.  It also has a covered patio with lattice walls and a back yard.  Excited that I can make a little outside kitchen and do most of my cooking outside during the heat and happy for Mr. Marley to have some shelter and some yard space outside me and Brand and Rick went to work getting things ready for One Love to be moved.

Rick and Brad had fun with the tractor, leveling the ground and adding gravel.  I had fun getting dusty and packing, haha.

After a few hours of a lot more work than we thought it would be One Love was in her new location in the same park.  I started some of the unpacking and organizing only to decide I was exhausted.  I was thankful to be invited to dinner from a neighbor.

Not to mention I spent my food money on the trips to Sacramento so I am kinda at the mercy of the canned goods I have and what others have to offer this month food wise.  I am okay with that though and have faith that it will work out fine.  A new couple moved into the park and they are interested in finding some food banks with me in the area to get some fresh veggies and others edibles from so I am already blessed with a ride to town to get some food soon.

I washed up after dinner and hit the bed with Mr. Marley by my side snoring before my head hit the pillow.  It was a big day for us both.

This morning while I sat crying he woke up and did his best to comfort me by eating my pants leg and jumping on me while howling to the music, I just love that.  I need to get him on video for ya'll.  Marley the magic singing dog.  Oh it is so cool to see, he really gets into it too.

Well all that to say this...  It's okay to cry! In fact it's great.  And you know what it is also okay to share those tears with all ya'll.  Thank you for listening.  I love from a very humble and grateful place.

One Love

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  1. Hi honey, sorry its been a while since I have posted any comments, just have a lot going on,but I have been thinking about you. Im sitting here trying to catch up on all the new bloggs but had to stop and comment on this 1. I needed to tell you that I think you are a wonderful mother for choosing to give your daughter a better life. One that you are not able to give her. I think you are the most selfless,bravest person I know. I know that when Stella grows up and is able to understand she will think the same and will love you even more for loving her so much you had to make the hardest desition in your life,to give her all the things you couldnt. I commend you and I love you.

    Love always,


  2. Dear Kathy,
    Honey I am so touched by your comment, thank you so much. I tell myself those things all the time with the hopes that Stella will know how much I wanted her and how much I love her when she gets older.

    If it weren't for my Baby Daddies I could not have done what was best for her. The key to this working is the right team, we are the right team. I am blessed.

    Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I love you too.

    Love Always