Sunday, May 27, 2012

Speaking Of Challenges...

There seems to be a time of day lately where challenges present themselves.  Mornings are magical for me, there is something about a good nights sleep that brings a truly new day for me despite what happens the day before.

I have been facing a lot of challenges this month as I have mentioned in previous posts.  I have also been having a gall bladder attack for the past few days, to the point of tears at least a couple times a day.  Gall bladder pain is very painful, if you have had this issue you know what I am talking about.

I am not one to complain so rarely mention when I am in pain on my blogs.  I also deal with pain a lot so I don't like to spend my days focused on it.  I mention it now because I think it may be aiding in my level of sensitivity and inability to shake off today's challenge as easily as normally.

The purpose of my blog is not to vent personally about others in a vengeful way.  Trying to remember that we are all on our own journeys learning our own lessons in our own time helps me a lot with these issues.

Today however, I need to let some of this out.  I think sharing during the challenge is a good tool for working through it and since my phone is disconnected till I get paid and I cannot call my support system ie: My Mom, My Sissy and my Spiritual Guides I figure writing about it might help me to get a hold of the situation that is eating at me.

I was enjoying a great start to a great Sunday here.  Despite my pain level I got showered and dressed nice to sit outside in the warm sun and work on Rasta Toe's wardrobe.  His locks are ready to be sewn into a knitted cap that I have to make still.  His first shirt is super spectacular as is Rasta Toe, smile.

The mood was fun and positive as me and a friend worked together to bring Rasta Toe to life.  Out of the blue a neighbor that has presented me some pretty good challenges speaks to me in a rude and insulting way.  I am proud of myself for not saying what I wanted to say and would have said in past days.  I shut him down with reason.  However, his insults stung.  I am sensitive to insults, unprovoked insults in particular.

This man speaks to his family badly so I am not special.  However, I am not a member of his household and should not have to be subjected to his behavior regardless of what his issues are.  I doubt that he would feel so confident in his arrogance if I had a man of my own here.  Being single makes me an easier target for things like this.  He is not threatening, however his level of negativity and insults are over the top and really do a good job of breaking the happy flow of things.  Honestly I think that is his goal and one he enjoys accomplishing.

So here I sit, crying a little.  Okay maybe a lot.  It's really frustrating trying to maintain a higher road despite the invites to merge down into the negative depths some choose to wallow in daily.   Since I am writing this during my attempts to find the challenge and rise above it you will have to excuse me for being a bit catty.  I am feeling a number of emotions right now.  Anger, hurt, confusion and a little bit of helplessness.

I have tried the tapping exercise a few times that my Mother shared with me.  This exercise involves wrapping my arms around myself and tapping my shoulders while I say reassuring messages to self like...

 "While I feel angry and confused I realize that others are walking their path as I am mine and learning their lessons in their due time.  I know that I am okay, safe and free from harm.  These feelings will pass, until then it is okay to experience them."  


It has worked for a few moments.  I even took a power nap to revive.  I awoke feeling better, made a good salad and sat down to eat.  Soon after lunch the pains in my stomach came back and so did the pains in my heart over the insults earlier.  I was getting ready to take Marley to the Docks for some run time when the cramps came and decided it best not to wander far from One Love feeling that much pain.

I think I just realized while writing this why the anger and hurt came back.  I feel trapped right now.  That makes complete sense.  Not being able to put some distance between me and my neighbor and take a walk due to my gall bladder pain is when the anger and hurt came back.

I have been having problems with my neighbors and found ways to overcome them through positive avenues with the exception of one blow up from me which was actually good as it let them know I am not a door mat and will defend myself.  I actually went a little overboard when I blew up, I am learning how to stick up for me and not let people take advantage of my kindness and in learning that I am a little overboard some days while learning how to say "I am not okay with being treated this way."

I wished I had never moved into this new space, however I really need this patio to paint the Tree Of Life on One Love.  I need to sit a good portion of the time painting and cannot do so on the stairs Nick built me.  So I am faced with this challenge of needing the patio and needing to be surrounded with positive energy so I can paint from love and positivism.  My creative output is easily stifled when confronted with insults about my work or rude comments, or voices yelling all day.  It's really hard to paint from love that way.



There is the issue of my needing my Gall Bladder removed as well.  My insurance denied the surgery here since I am a member of the Sacramento network and I have a choice to make.  Either change networks to this one which is a really crappy area for medical care I am learning.  Not to mention I am 20 miles from the hospital with no transportation of my own.  Or I can move to another location.  I want to move to Santa Cruz to be near my Sister where I have a strong support system.  Getting my gall bladder and knee replacements there would be awesome because the medical down there is great.  It doesn't matter what type of insurance you are on, they treat everyone the same there.  Santa Cruz is my home town and a great place for me to finish the Tree.  However, the park there is more per month and the move in is beyond my income.  Then there is the issue of a Tow.

I know this too shall pass, I have faced a lot of big challenges this month.  Some to
big to share as they involve others personal stuff so I have to hold onto my stuff but
today I gotta let some of this go.  Maybe my phone being off is the push I needed
to open up and share this crapola today.  I really just said crapola, haha
So in more ways than one I am feeling very trapped I think.  So this is the part where I feel a lack of control over my environment.  Fear of powerlessness is a strong emotion for all of us, it is every human beings deepest fear.  I have been facing that emotion since the beginning by taking this journey without having my own transportation.  Today it is a harder lesson for me.  I need to give it up to the Universe and to my Creator.  My prayers and exercises are not giving me enough of an outlet today so I hope you don't mind me sharing here with you.  Even if no one really reads this I am starting to feel better just for sharing it with cyber space if you know what I mean.

One thing I am learning on this Journey is that release of these emotions is so essential to my growth.  I cannot fill up with good emotions by holding in all the bad ones.  I am all filled up with negative energy if I don't let it go.  It's funny how I used to think that holding it all in was better.  Yeah, I will be honest I am a little embarrassed and feeling some fear about pouring my heart out like this.  I still feel weak sharing my vulnerabilities with the world, that is old thinking though.  I recognize that today and push myself to open up and find the courage to share.  Because really it takes strength and courage to say my feelings are hurt.

I told one of my neighbors that her insults were hurtful to me and she told me "I guess you're not as tough as I thought you were!"  Rather than seeing that I was hurt and trying to express that she insulted me further.  Fortunately I am at a place in this journey where I see that for what it is.  Being insulted by her husband now is just more that I don't need, especially while I am feeling so trapped and in pain.

Okay, so now that I have gotten all that out.  I want to try and focus on finding the positive in me to overcome where I am at right now.  I know that if things can be much worse than this and need to learn to overcome things like this.  Maybe I am stuck here right now because I ran so much in the past when things got bad for me.  Today I don't get to run, I have to stand here and either rise above these issues or sink down and give them back what they are giving me.

I don't want to sink down, I don't want to go back to old thinking and behaviors.  So I have to rise above this.  I hope when I get past this lesson I get to move somewhere new.  I am so ready to move on.

My best version of how I feel sharing all this with the world
I feel like a big baby who is whining.  I realize those feelings
are the conditioned thinking that taught me not to open up
and be honest about my fears, my pains.  I can't wait to get
past this uncomfortable feeling and be confirmed in my thinking
that sharing is essential to the healing process and to my growth.
I really miss Glen and Theresa.  They were kinda like my guardian Angels and surrogate parents here.  And Jim moved today.  He has been so kind to me, seeing him go is sad for me too.  It's like the good people are moving on and I am stuck here with drama and negative fueled people.  That is an exageration of course there are still plenty of good people around me.  Just the ones I was the closest to are gone now.

I just tried to take my best version of me pouting like a baby photo and have to say that made me laugh.  Seriously I am sitting here alone laughing my arse off at myself trying to take a picture of myself pouting like a baby.  Funny how changing course for a minute can take some of the load off.  I think sharing with you all helped too.  So thank you for helping by letting me share and not judging me for airing my fears and the rut I am in today.

I love you all from a place of determination to overcome all that is placed in my path and maintain love of self and all others.  I remember that we all being part of the whole means that each of us is needed and without one there would be none.  Okay that helped to say, a little, haha.

One Love
Lelania

P.S  Please excuse the typo's and run along sentences I am sure are up there in all that.  If I proof read this one right now I will delete it.  I need to remind myself it is okay to do this.  Sharing my bad days in the past led me to good places in my growth so I am trusting that will happen again today.


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