Monday, May 21, 2012

Waking up to find another day~

The difference between today and so many days before is that now I sing songs to me, from me.  Today I wake up raw.  So much emotion yesterday, this past week a test in many ways.  Faced with challenges this month that were true gifts and left with one realization...  I didn't give up!

It is with tears of joy I can say that today.  If you knew the old me, you understand what that means to me.  In the past I was really good at running, things get bad it's time to move on.  Because I have always made a way, always been such a survivor I didn't see myself as running away from the pain.  I thought I was strong because I had avoided it by ignoring it, pretending it didn't get to me.  I was stronger than you, stronger than anyone who stopped to feel their pain and complain.  I was so weak, I had no idea what I was doing to myself with this flight method of living to avoid the pains life gives us to heal.

This morning I am listening to Gwen Stefani singing 4 am in the morning.  I love this song.  It reminds me of so many of my relationships.  I gave so much, I expected so much.  I remember my second husband telling me once that it is hard for anyone to live up to my expectations of them.  I thought that was ridiculous.  I was ridiculous in many ways, my standards were to high and to low all at once.  I think there are others who can relate.

The truth is that deep inside I was screaming, I was so scared and I was unhappy even when I was happy because there were these things that had happened to me, many things that I avoided dealing with.  I thought keeping that buried prevented the pain but it was always there and many paid the price for it but none paid more than I did.

The truth is that for as strong as I have been I am equally as scared.  For as good at moving on I have been I am equally as good at avoiding and deterring.  I have been punishing myself for so long now.  That is over now.  I am healing myself today.  My friends used to have a nick name for me, and excuse my language while I keep it real for a minute...  They called me "Bounce Back Bitch", haha.  A name earned for my ability to bounce back in a day or two from most heart breaks.  I cried for a day and then moved on with a force.  The pain a fuel to succeed, deep inside thinking that my success at getting over someone quickly would show them quickly that they really screwed up losing someone like me, haha.  I am not that Bounce Back Bitch today.  I am just me, some days I cry for days, some days not.  It's all good, I know that now.  My fuel is not about them or avoidance of the pains, my fuel is to heal the pain and learn from it.  That rocks!

Wow, what a difference a day makes.  It really is just a day ya'll.  I mean that's all that matters, today is all that matters.  If I stay strong today, the real strong where I share my pains, I trust myself, I speak my truth, I don't run for just this day I get to wake up to another day still moving forward.  No longer moving backwards, no longer stagnant.

Loving ourselves, having a relationship with self is the most essential relationship of our lives I am learning.  I expect no less than true love from me, I give no less than true unconditional love to myself each day.  Some days harder than others, those are the best ones though.  The days loving me is a bigger challenge is the greatest day because I battle those dragons inside of me.  I see so clearly now how much pain and chaos I created in my life avoiding those dragons.

I was reminded this week of the way I used to avoid my own dragons with another attempts to project theirs onto me, I was insulted, treated rudely and left to deal with it with no where to run.  I felt self doubt and resentments.  I found myself in pain and turmoil doubting myself.  I am reminded today how I must have made others feel at times in my life that I spent so much time looking at others crap and avoiding my own.

The things said to me were so ridiculous that I should have seen it for exactly what it was, again I think I needed to go through it just the way I did so that I could see something, so I could remember something.  So I could say I am sorry to myself and some others for the way I used to behave.  Even more so I am reminded of why I must keep going forward, keep working on me.

This Journey is everything to me.  This is the part of my life where I started really living for me and through that my hope in all others restored.  See I thought before this journey I had to find someone who would not hurt or leave me when all along I just needed to find me.  This is the greatest realization for me as it allows me to understand that it is okay when others hurt me, I can love them still as now I realize they too are learning, and some are still in the part of their life where they are avoiding themselves by putting others around them down.  Being insulted by someone I do not know very well, having my journey and my tree belittled as if they are of no meaning was harder than if someone who I had known for many years insulted me.   It was harder because I didn't understand why someone who I only recently met would be so critical or hurtful.  I had trouble painting after her insults of my painting, I started doubting myself.  I took on her negative energy willingly and let the self doubt set in.

I needed to stand up for myself and say... "hey, check this out here lady, this is not okay.  You don't get to insult me, you don't get to treat me badly and walk away.  You don't have to deal with your issues but you sure don't get to bring them to my door!"  And there is where I took back my control, before that I was giving it up and allowing myself to slide down into a pool of someone else's self created cycle of drama in attempts to feel better about life by avoiding the real problem, themselves!  I recognize this now because I was that person for many years and this week was reminded of how damaging that was to all around me, how damaging it was to me.

Waking up to another day I am now okay, I have let it go, truly!  I love her as a part of the whole and being in a healthier place in life I now realize that I can love all others as part of me while letting them be and walk their path without allowing myself to get caught up in their lessons.  I think I needed to be caught up in this one though, again it reminded me of things of past and more so it challenged me to truly stand up for myself and say this is not okay, I am done with this and move on.

Lavada I love you, we grew up together.  So many memories, our first apartment
at 18, haha.  Raising our boys together, all the laughs and tears made us who we
are today and who we are is amazing, you are amazing and I love you!

I want to say thank you to three of my sisters of the heart Kim who called me just as my eyes were closing last night to say she loved me and all is going to be okay, hearing her say that helped me sleep in such peace. I love you girl.  Diane who called me after reading my blog to say that she is so proud of me and let me know she is not far away, blessed me with laughter.  I love you Diane.  And last but not least Lavada who I had not spoken to in over a year.  Lavada I am so blessed to have you back in my life, your words touched me, lifted me up and reminded me to never give up on me.  I love you my biotch.

Kim, it is almost hard to put into words who you are to me
we have shared so much, so many lessons in life and yet
here we are still, oh how much I love you, your gentle heart
surfacing, sharing our joys and pains today in a way that
reminds me that we are worth it girl, we are the shit, haha!
It is so amazing to me that two women I have known and loved for over 30 years now are both on a journey of their own that mirrors mine in so many ways.  We three have been through much in life together and apart.  Today we walk with purpose, we walk with intent to love ourselves and others.  We seek truth and meaning in our relationships and nurture each other when needed.  My third friend has walked this journey already and serves as a strong spiritual guide to me, an most valued and treasured friend who has not once left my side when needed.
For Life my Sister

We are all on a journey, each step we take is part of that journey.  When we begin to walk the journey with intent to rise above the challenges and heal the pains along the way we begin to see so clearly what we did not see before, we begin to live love.

I love you all from a place of understanding and celebration of love for self.  Believe in you, I do!

One Love
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