Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Chicken Little...

The funny thing about panic attacks is they come with no real warning, on no set schedule and are hard to get through.  I was feeling great all day.  Then I got a bunch of monster mosquito bites while hand washing laundry and the generator ran out of gas which means it is running through it quickly.  

Attack of the monster mosquito!
I was trying to see the upside to it all and took a picture of my big lumpy mosquito bitten forehead and sent it to a few people to lighten things up for me.  Well that backfired on me.  Apparently Verizon has this dumb stupid group text thing when you send the same message to more than one person.  So a bunch of people were getting text messages from people they didn’t know and were not so happy about it.  I caught a lot of flack and felt really bad about not knowing that Verizon does that.  I was reading my new book when I started getting messages of friends upset about the group text thing and I just kinda went into a panic attack and now I’m just crying and wishing I had someone here with me.

The whole lack of electricity and reliable internet connection thing is really getting to me.  I pictured myself finding a peaceful place to write.  I need to finish my book and be able to blog my new experiences on this journey.  And, well that is not working out so well.  I need a lap top for sure the tower is too much electricity for the solar I think and the generator is gulping gas like crazy and not charging the batteries for some reason.  The batteries for the boom box my brother bought me already died so no music without electricity.  I’m just not doing so good right now and thought maybe if I write about it for a minute in my word program I could upload it later.  I have to run the generator to charge my cell that is dead so I might as well make use of the gas by writing out my feelings and fears.

I am hoping to be moved sooner than later to a spot where the reception is better.  If I walk up the drive way I can talk on my phone but not down in this part of the driveway.  The internet is in and out; posting takes forever and uses more gas than it would if I had a better connection.  I didn’t realize that I was going to be stuck without internet and phone up here.  I thought I would have solar hooked up and internet available as needed.  I tried to hook up the solar panels but the wires are confusing and not long at all so they have to sit near the batteries and the batteries get no sun, they are in the shade as I am covered by trees.

I am just feeling this feeling of fear and anxiousness that is easing a little with writing about it.  I hope to get to the other side of this panic attack soon so that I can be reasonable with myself about what I need to do to fix these problems.  The thing about a panic attack is that I feel the need to run from it, get away, head to a safe place.  I cannot do that right now and running is not something I want to do.  I want to be strong and make it through these adjustments.  I want to learn how to be alone like this and believe if I can do this I will be stronger emotionally and spiritually for it.  I also believe that I will be healthier all the way around. 

I think I am having trouble in the here and now right now because here and now is a scary place and I feel so alone.  I am asking myself if I bit off more than I can chew.  Then I think about all the help that went into getting me here and feel so guilty.  I know I didn’t make the wrong decision, there were so many meaningful moments that led me to this choice, also my inner voice said this was right and I listened to self.  I suppose that these moments are the important ones for my growth in loving myself and feeling whole within myself.  I’m okay with washing dishes outside but cant go to the bathroom out there so Im worried about my tank filling up and not having a wagon tank to dump it yet.  I have a long list of things that are freaking me out right now and wish for that list to shorten soon.

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I know that once I'm settled in, the batteries are charging properly and I am in a better location, with a vehicle to drive around the mountain side and escape in the event of a forest fire I will be okay.  I will make it to that point I am just being a big baby right now and recognize we all have days like this.  The upside is I got One Love all cleaned up and everything put away.  I don't think I'll start painting until I am moved to a sunnier spot though.

I hope you all don’t mind me being so candid and sounding so upset.  This is where I am right now.  I feel abandoned and alone.  I am in pain emotionally and physically right now.  I don’t know what else to say.

I am going to pray about it and go to bed that is my best solution right now.  A deer just ran by, he was beautiful, so at home here in the wilderness.  The dogs chased him off, they are doing their job but I kinda wish they would have let him stick around a few moments.  He made me feel better while he was here.  The sun is almost gone now.  I feel a little sleepy.  Some sleepy tea and Mr. Marley by my side with some big prayers are how I plan on spending the rest of tonight till I fall asleep.  Tomorrow is another day, right!

I love you all from a place of needing your prayers and positive thoughts for my strength to do this.  I really appreciate your taking the time to read this far, this isn’t one of my better posts but it is the truth and I believe we should speak it more often.  Have a blessed night.

One Love
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