Thursday, June 21, 2012

I AM JOY!!!

I exclaimed loudly to Lavada over the phone this morning, between billows of deep laughter as we conversed on such a connected level that we couldn't help but sigh at the end while saying I love you my Sister!


Today is monumental for me in my self growth, whereas in the past weeks I have felt joy within me during times of hardship today I am joy.  The difference is amazing for me.  Those who have made this transgression from seeking inner joy during hard times to actually being the joy that is us know exactly what I am talking about.  I am peace, I am understanding, compassion, forgiveness, gratitude and love today!

A few things have happened, before I explain let me first say that this post is intended to display the steps that brought me here.  This post is about my growth and the lessons I have challenged myself to face, nothing less.



While I still do not have a solid plan of moving One Love off the mountain, possibilities are emerging.  As well possibilities for a new home here in the Santa Cruz area where I truly want to be at this time of my Journey are also emerging.  So there is some good stuff going on that may and will lead to more good stuff.  I know this because I know that my level of positive energy is a magnet for more positive energy to come my way and in that I am truly blessed.

I have spent months stumbling over lessons, rising above some, sinking below some.  Either way learning from them, owning the failures as much if not more than the successes as they have taught me the most about the parts of my personality that feed on my ego.  Ah yes the ego, we all have one and most days we interact with others in life as our egos rather than our authentic selves, our souls.

I received news today that some things have been happening back at Tiki Lagun in Stockton in attempts to make coming back less attractive for me by some of the people I had challenges with while living there.  If you have been following along you probably remember some of these issues.  Overall the people who want me back is a much larger number than the few who do not.  However, the few who do not are actively fighting to have me not return as the people who want me there are just living their lives in the positive way they live their lives.  They are not engaging in the melodrama negativity that is taking place and I am happy for that as they do not need to lower themselves to that level for my sake in fact they are where I am on this issue...  Let those who have negative thoughts and actions leading them be!

Not so long ago I would have been very hurt by all this and even more recently I would have had to seek the part of me that feels joy to ease my feelings of rejection and anger.  Today I realized while on the phone with Lavada laughing loudly that "TODAY I AM JOY".   I didn't call Lavada to work all this out, it was worked out before the phone rang and I answered it saying... "what's up my beautiful being of light Sister" and she returned the love and our conversation flowed magically as if we were standing next to each other even though I am in Santa Cruz, Ca and she on the the main Island in Hawaii.

My first instinct was not to feel anger, resentment or seek retaliation and then have to talk myself into taking those players off the field and replacing them with more positive players who will help me play the game better which is much more important than winning the game, in fact it is winning the game!.

No today the players that took their place on the field did so without my coaching them.  A new set of players took the field replacing the old ones that played "defense".  Today my defense line up consists of "Understanding, Compassion, Forgiveness, Acceptance, Gratitude and Love."

How Awesome is it that! I didn't have to stop, drop and roll on this day.  There was no fire to put out.  That is crazy in the best way for me.  This is my first experience with results like this in a situation like this and I have to say that I am bursting at the seams with gratefulness at this moment.  Grateful that I am doing my soul work rather than pointing the finger at others as the victim I was in the past.  Today I seek a higher road for me to travel; for me!  I do not need to be better than someone else.  Rather my goals are to be better than me!

In the past when I have spoke on challenges I have faced with others I have had to stop and say things to myself first.  I have had to practice a new way of thinking before acting and sharing with you all.  Well, I see now that practice is paying off.  My conscience efforts to align my actions with my intent has changed my thinking, my feelings, my beliefs.  I truly don't feel anger or resentment or even indifference toward those who are actively seeking to win some battle with me over my return there.

 I feel like this....

I understand that they have their reasons for feeling the way they do and have no need to evaluate those reasons.  Rather I am aware of my feelings, where they are coming from and recognize that they are aligned my intent for a positive path in my life.

I feel compassion for them and send love and positivism their way in hopes that they find and become the joy that allows us to not seek out to hurt others in life in hopes to feel better about our own lives.  We are all one and I remember a day when I avoided my own pains with blame and attempts to control my surroundings to avoid feeling powerless over life.

 I feel forgiveness for their actions as I recognize that they are on their own Journey in life.

I feel acceptance of the fact that I have responsibility in this because being honest with others who bring negativity into your life can have its backlash.  I could have taken a more cautious stance in letting so many into my inner bubble and being so open with myself before getting to know who I was letting in.  A life lesson of mine that I am still working on.

Recognizing my choices leading me down certain paths helps me to not make the same choices again rather than build walls of defense against being hurt again.  Building walls of blame would only lead me down another road to living a life in fear of loving and trusting others when really all I need to do is slow down a little in how I build relationships.  I can love everyone by loving myself first because loving myself enables me to be a kinder person toward me and others.  I used to think loving myself first meant I had to be selfish, I was wrong.

I feel gratitude for them reminding me that I didn't really want to go back to Tiki anyways.  I want to move forward rather than backwards in life.  I also am happy to concede to their wishes, I mean really if it means that much to them then they win and I say that honestly laughing about my lack of need to fight over it or care about why they don't like me.  I know why they don't like me.  I am an outspoken tree hugging broad who no longer welcomes drama in life. but hasn't learned yet to see some things and people for what and where they are.  I get that as I used to be there.  Pretending I wasn't there once myself would be a huge form of denial.  I have come to far to act like I am any better than anyone else, I am just at a different place on my path now, a place of looking inward rather than outward.  A place of battling my own ego rather than theirs.   For that I am truly grateful.

I honestly feel love for them as I recognize that they are part of me and I part of them.  More so I realize that I used to be there.  I used to be a person who operated from my ego rather than my heart and soul.  I needed to learn hard lessons to see how paralyzing my ego was as the director of my affairs.  Today my ego is benched more and more and gets less play time than the good parts of my personality and that my friends is rendering me great results in life, even in the challenging times!

The coolest part of all this is that this time I didn't have to spend days working through all this to come to these feelings, for the first time these feelings came immediately.  My soul work is paying off, I am growing and that is super cool.  Seeing and feeling the results of this is monumental for me today because for the first time in my entire life as far back as I can remember I am not a victim of anyone else's crap.  No today I honestly control my emotions, in fact I didn't have to control them at all, they just are.  Where I felt joy through reminding myself that it is available to me, today I am joy.  WOW!!!

This has been a most amazing week for me, I learned from the threat of losing my home "One Love" that this Journey is in me, I learned that I can be calm in the storm, I can dance in the rain.  I recognize that life is a roller coaster.  Where I used to fear the ups and downs today I anticipate the ride with excitement.  I know that for every steep hill I climb with determination and courage to face me I will eventually reach a peak and then I get to go running down hill easily for a time with the wind in my hair and my hands up screaming "Look Ma No Hands" hahahahahah.

I learned this week that I am joy!  
I was learning that joy is available in me always.
 Today I realized that joy is me!
Do everything with so much love in your heart that you would never want to do it any other way.~ Yogi Desai

I love you all from a place of Joy 
and much excitement for what comes next.

One Love 
Lelania
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