Friday, June 22, 2012

Individually Whole

Peace~ Letting go of my piece of the American Dream and grabbing hold
of a Peace for the World Dream.  Beginning with Inner Peace
Growing up in the 70's, 80's, 90's and now the early 2000's I have seen a lot of eras.  For me the 70's was "Free Love" and "Flower Power", that is the environment I was surrounded by.  The 80's was "Punk Rock" and "Hip Hop", I was with the Hip Hop crowd break dancing and free flowing on stage at the Club Culture in Santa Cruz, Ca.  Then there was the 90's, I was jeans, t-shirts and duck taped bra's.  You heard me right, I duck taped my bras as they wore down.  Truth is I usually only owned one or two at a time. Hey, I had kids and they aren't cheap, not even then.







Challenge~ Life is full of challenges, I spent most of mine believing them
burdens today I know they are gifts that build character!
My boys always wore name brands, new shoes from Foot Locker and stayed in new clothes every school year from head to toe.  I grew up wearing second hand clothes from Goodwill and thought that was cruel and unusual punishment that I never wanted to subject my own children too.  I didn't learn till recently in life that all the things I resented about my childhood were the very things that shaped my values, some good and some bad.  More good than bad but still my share of bad.  Interestingly so as I had it pretty bad growing up.  Funny how that works out when you really think about it.






In the early 90's I was a student at a community college majoring in psych until I dropped out in my 3rd year to go back to work as my husbands income couldn't support us and allow for my sons to be involved in all the sports they loved.  I planned on going back but never did.



Seek~ All my life seeking happiness because I believed what I was told
today I seek the truth inside of me and the truth is bright and bold!
Throughout the 80's I was current with the latest fads seeking to be in with a crowd of my peers.  I wore the parachute pants, Members Only jackets, the big earrings and the bright eye shadows to match.  The smurf was my dance, actually all dances were my dance.  I was one white girl who could get down and did every chance I got.











Dance~  Today I dance freely, no more names for the steps I take the
dance is me, my life, my soul!
In the 90's I was just a Mom, so fads weren't so important any more.  I still wore my Fubu and Fila though, but I bought it at Ross, haha.  Fads were important for my sons however, and I made sure they were up to date, clothes ironed crisp and always matching with a clean undershirt and warm jacket.











One thing I notice looking back is that I spent my whole life like most of us do, trying to fit in with the whole while trying to be an independent individual.  I also see now that no matter how differently my Mom and I did things we also did the same things, we both made mistakes.  Although my children had a different life than I did I still suffered the same hardships with them that my Mother suffered with me.  Terrible two's were terrible and their teenage years every bit of challenging.




Wonder~ I used to wonder what would have happened with my life if I had
returned to college as planned, of if I had done this or that differently.  Now
I know, I wouldn't have ended up right here exactly where I was meant to be.
Today I don't wonder what I could have done differently then, I wonder what
wonders will come from me doing things differently now!
I grew up in the same world all of you did, and most of us have our stories of childhood, coming of age and our adult years where we weren't quite adults all the time.  I learned as I went like most.  And like most I spent my life accepting what I saw as the truth in life.  I believed in my beliefs and never really questioned them because honestly I had a lot of other stuff to do like pay bills, keep food on the table and buy the latest version of Nintendo, Playstation, PS3 or what ever was coming out for Christmas each year.









Dream~ Where I used to wake up screaming from my nightmares.  I now
sleep free of those ghosts of past put to rest more each day by loving me
and learning I deserve to chase my dreams, now I know dreams are what
makes our life the magical life it was always intended to be, so I dream!
I was part of the Consumer Society we have been bred to be.  Walking blindly through life believing that having things made me a good Mom, a good Wife and a better Person.  Believing that these things were the American Dream.  I have had a microwave as long as I can remember, and the thought of not having one was a little scary to be honest.  How the hell would I heat up my left overs?  Never occurred to me that there was such a thing as left overs before the invention of the microwave.









Release~  I had to let go of the old to embrace the new.  Realize that in
order for me to learn I had to first realize that I didn't know it already.
Releasing my old beliefs, old pains, old resentments has offered me a
freedom that can never be taken, lost or destroyed.
I built my happiness and life on what I saw on TV.  Worked my tail off to keep up with it all so that I could feel accomplished and successful as a parent and member of society.  A society that was also bred to do the same.  All of us running around like little worker ants, collecting and bringing it home so we can fall asleep watching TV.














Forgive~  I always thought myself a forgiving person until I learned to
forgive myself.  Now, I am learning what a forgiving person really is.
At the beginning of this Journey I got rid of all my TV's.  That was the first brilliant thing I ever did for my self growth and happiness.  I don't know why it was so important to me to do so, I just know I knew they had to go, they were toxic to me and of no value.  I decided it was time to start reading, I wanted some substance.  I wanted to learn something new because the old ways of thinking and doing led me down a path of two divorces, a bunch of self destructive bad choices and friends that were never really friends in the first place.









Thrive~  Loving myself with my thoughts and actions, putting only good
ingredients into me physically, emotionally and spiritually is my Thrive!
I also stopped eating all the convenient foods that we have grown so accustomed to because we are always in a hurry and trying to save a buck.  Over the years I have grown more and more obese, my health has suffered due to my saving a buck and some time.  The money and time I saved cost me much in health later.













Create~ Within each and every one of us is the limitless ability to create
the world we want to live in, a world of love and peace for us all, all that
is needed to create this world is our belief that we can create it!
I was like so many millions of people in this world.  I was asleep.  Sleep walking through life, just getting by and believing that one day it would all pay off and I would be happy. It didn't go down that way.  All the fairy tales I watched were just fairy tales.  Not because there is no such thing as a happy ending, because they were geared to breed me into a consumer society so that a few elite people living up on the hill could get rich.









Truth is there is magical fairy tale endings, always has been.  They know that, they just made sure I didn't know, you didn't know.  The truth is that happiness is not in those things, it is not in saving a buck or a minute with the conveniences created to kill us slowly so that even in the end they can profit off of us through medical bills and prescription costs.





Express~ Yourself!  Be you, accept me as I be me and accept you.
We are really each in our own ways anyways, why we fight to be like
another is a mystery, maybe because they taught us not express you see!

We are programmed our whole lives to think one way.  If we think outside the box at a young age we are labeled as ADHD or told we have an Authority Complex.  If we question anything we are subject to reprimand throughout our entire lives.  We ourselves shun others suffering with our judgement and indifference.  We have all been mislead by the same small group of people while we point the fingers at each other.










I remember hearing the same words my whole life... "GROW UP, ACT APPROPRIATELY, BE NORMAL, ETC..."  Fortunately for me I missed a lot of school growing up, you probably guessed that by my less than perfect grammar and spelling errors.  I also had a super hippie Mom who didn't tell me things like that and since I missed so much school I didn't hear it as much from my teachers either.  It's funny all these years I hated my Mother for being the free loving hippie she was and today I thank the heavens for her and for my struggles as a child.  She and those struggles taught me a lot, they gave me strength and helped me to stay an independent thinker.  The really bad parts of my childhood created a deep dark hole in me that told me I was not worthy of love so until now I didn't know what I know today.






Encourage~  It doesn't matter where you or I come from, what limitations
we are told should hold us back.  All that matters is what we tell ourselves
and what we believe about ourselves.  Encourage you to be the most
magnificent you that you can be and see where that leads.
See I had to start learning to love me, learning that I deserved love, that I am love.  Now I am learning self love, the missing piece of the puzzle that would allow me to grow into the woman I am growing into, the amazing me.  Combining my strength, courage, ability to survive with self love is rendering amazing results, creating the me I was intended to be.  Before loving me I wouldn't have had the belief in me that I could write a blog each day and people would actually read it.










Laugh~ The best gift in life, laughter keeps us young.  Laugh in the good
and especially the bad times.  I mean after all in the bad times what have we
got to lose? Stressing over things, fearing what is happening or to come
never amounts to much so I say just laugh and go from there!
Honestly, my lack of education, poor grammar and spelling  led me to believe I wasn't cut out for it even though I knew I had some good things to say and a lot to share.  Loving me is helping me to realize that my spelling and grammar only take away from the emotions in my writing when people who are hung up on such issues of perfection read my writing.  I hope I am interesting enough that they stick around however, I believe that they could use some of the lessons I am learning only now in life.










Trust~  Even when we are not so sure, even when our heart has been
broken or we have failed at meeting our goals we can still forge ahead
trusting in ourselves and others.  Sure we may get hurt again, sure we may
fail one more time.  However, if we don't trust than we live in fear and while
fear does offer certainty, it offers the certainty that you will go no further
than where you are now.  Trust in yourself to grow from the good and
the bad experience sin life, they are all valuable experiences that shape you!
Where I thought I wasn't good enough, others suffer from the an opposite affliction... Thinking they are better than!  See the reality is that we were all born where we were born and came into our circumstances in life for a reason, to learn from them.  I think if we were born with less than we may need to experience what that is all about and learn to appreciate things and overcome struggles.  If we were born with more than we may need to experience what that is all about, learn to give, overcome our arrogance.  Point is we all have our lessons in life and our worth is based on how well we learn those lessons not how many things or how much money we have.








Breath~  Ahhhhhh, now that felt good.  Inhale, exhale, repeat.  It is all
going to be okay, in fact it is going to be great.  Just Breath!
Today I no longer spend my life trying to be what I am not.  I love who I am as an individual.  More importantly I am learning that loving who I am individually is allowing me to love all others as well.  I now chase after my dreams rather than my goals.  I seek enlightenment and inner peace.  I didn't know that going on this Journey for love of self would open up my heart to an even bigger capability to love others, to accept others, to learn that you are part of me and I you.  See, I think the thing is this...  When we seek inward for the truth inside of us we start finding a lot more than we expected.  What I thought love was before was anything but love.  What I believed loyalty to be was a manipulation taught to me.  I didn't know I could let go of people who were toxic for me without it being a bad thing.  I don't have ill feelings towards those in my life today that I have had issues with, I deal with the issues and move on recognizing they are learning as their own individual self.  I am learning that while we are all individual selves we are still part of the whole.  I am learning that my self growth helps others even if that help is in letting go and moving on.





Share~ We all have something to offer ourselves and the world, the whole.
Share your love, your joy, your talents.  Share yourself with the world! 
I wanted to paint today.  I felt my creative juices flowing and missed One Love.  I wanted to paint more of the Tree of Life today.  I sat here thinking to self... "Self, what can we paint"  than I looked around and laughed out loud when I pictured my Sister coming home from her rafting weekend to find the side of her house painted and decided that was not a good plan.  So I grabbed my nephews computer and decided to have some fun with his Photoshop program.  I was more or less doodling computer style, haha.  Creating circles upon circles without any real intent of them amounting to much when i realized one set of them kind of looked like a chain of DNA.  I kept on creating circles and coloring them in and saw the sun and the moon, then a flower emerge.  When I was done with all these colored overlapping circles I started playing with the filters and adjustment settings and repeatedly changed the look of the very same picture over and over.





Expand~ Your horizons.  To believe we already have it all figured out must
equate to having it all right?  If where you are is not where you want to be
why not try learning some new ideas, new thinking, new ways of living?
While it was the same picture over and over it looked so different each time, and with each new version I was surprised at the new life the edited version took on.  While having fun creating new versions of the same model I started thinking about us as people.  How we spend our lives seeing everything as so separate and different yet we seek our whole lives to belong, to be the same, to be loved.










 Funny thing is that we are all created from the same things.  In fact the trees, the birds even the air is created from the same things, atoms, protons, neurons whatever.  You get my drift, I am no scientist, but I do know enough to know that we all are made from the same beginning ingredients, even the air we breath to live that flows between us while we think ourselves so separate from each other is created from the same beginning as we are.





Love~ Yourself the rest will follow trust me!
I asked myself a question... "Self, whey do we think we are so separate, live so separate with such disregard for each other, for our earth, our air we breath when we all came from the same place, are all the same ingredients?

 We are kind of like these 20 different version of the very same picture I created today.  Self answered back today (she does that often now) and said... "because we are so used to seeing with our eyes, touching with our hands, tasting with our tongues, smelling with our noses and hearing with our ears that we forget to listen and feel from our heart!"

Self is one smart cookie these days.  If she keeps this up she just may solve some real issues, haha.




Imagine~ The limitless possibilities of the simple act of imagining!
Seriously, I think that it is past due time to stop living so seriously and think outside of what we have been taught to believe.  Look, I am not some crazy chick who lost her mind.  I am like a lot of you out there.  And if you asked most who knew me before today they would never have thought I could have changed so drastically in the past 5 months like I have.










I believe in me and I believe in you!
 I am not telling you what to think or believe, I am only suggesting that you start thinking and believing for yourself, from your heart.  I know that for me, learning to trust my inner voice, learning to let go of control over my environment and trust in my Creator to take the wheel while I ride passenger and see all the things I missed before has changed my life completely.  No teachings before now, religious, education, TV, etc... gave me what I am now giving to myself, the truth that was inside of me all along.



Awaken~  Open your heart to the truth inside of you
that has been there all along. Listen to your inner voice guiding you~ 
   



I know this was a long one, I have been in some deep thought today.  Yesterday was a huge breakthrough for me that has allowed me to really let go of a lot of my issues and fears.  So today I am like a child asking a million and one questions, haha.  Thank you for joining me on this yet another great day.










 I love you all from a place of knowing that you and I can be individually whole as we are part of each other expressing in our own ways learning our own lessons on our own journeys.

One Love
Lelania


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