Sunday, June 3, 2012

Nothings gonna change MY WORLD...

                                                      ... However, Something is changing MY WORLD; ME!

The internet was down most of the day here so I spent the day packing and getting ready for my lucky day... Tuesday is the big move to The Magical Mountain.  Tuesday is also my star chart lucky day of the week, awesome.

I will talk more about the move later.  Something happened while the internet was down.  I was taking a break from packing to eat a peanut butter and honey sandwich and The Big Kahuna came by to visit me.  We sat in One Love for the first time.  We normally sit outside at the picnic table.  Today he came inside and we sat with the doors closed as I told him about all the wondrous events that have led me to this exciting new chapter in my Journey.

He sat listening with the biggest smile on his face as I told him all about my talk with my Baby Daddies this morning.  They called after reading last nights blog to talk about the move.  At first they were a little worried about me on top a Mountain but waited to call. They wanted to see how this played out and let me make my own decision on this move.  After reading last nights blog their hearts filled with joy as they felt in their hearts I was making the right move.

They asked me where the Mountain was, said they loved the pictures but couldn't pinpoint the location.  When I told them, they exclaimed in surprise...  "Oh wow, you're kidding.  That is amazing".  They were surprised to learn the location of my new home because they just spent the weekend on a lower ranch of the same Mountain with Stella last weekend.  They told me of a story of Stella with a lizard and we both thought it awesome that both Stella and I were visited by a lizard on that mountain.

Kahuna loved all the tales of the day and when I finished he asked me... "So how are you?"  I said "I'm really good, I'm excited and a little nervous."  He replied telling me that he wanted me to do him a favor.  He told me that he was sensing a place in me right about at the base of my breast plate of great pain.  Something I am still holding onto that has not been touched yet.  He asked me to get a piece of paper and write, draw, scribble with all of my senses what this pain is, what it looks like, taste like, smells like, etc...  And later he is going to come back with a special bowl and we are going to burn that pain up in this sacred bowl and let it go so I can leave here without taking it with me.

I sat thinking, wondering what it was.  I started to talk about my inner child thinking it may be her.  He seemed to accept that answer however, he kept talking to me in way that I didn't realize was his way of helping me find what it really was.  He knew it wasn't my need to heal that inner child I have been working on that daily.  As we talked more I began feel the pain while he explained to me how we put these pains in places in our body and they harden and we pile more on top.  I began to cry as I realized what it was I was holding onto.  I spent the next hour telling him about the last 3 years of my life.  Sobbing and laughing from the release I told him my story.  He sat listening with caring understanding eyes.  I saw a deep compassion, I saw a part of his soul in his eyes as he listened without judgment to me spill out all this pain and hurt.  Our conversation came to an end and he said he would be back later tonight.

I sat here for a moment looking at my notepad with resistance.  I picked up the pen and wrote a name on it, ripped it out of the book and started a new page and wrote another.  This continued till I had 13 pieces of paper with names on them.  I felt anger, pure rage inside of me for those 13 names on those pages of paper.  The pages sat in front of me.  I couldn't touch them, I hate those pieces of paper.  I turned on the internet and it was working again.  I went to face book and found some nice comments and tried to reply to them only to delete my replies because they were just words not feelings.  My feelings were elsewhere.  My feelings where sitting on 13 pieces of paper.

I grabbed the papers, then pushed them away again and began to cry loudly, turned up the music so no one would hear my sounds of anger and pain.  I put my hand on my mouse again trying to move on.  Thinking I would write the announcement blog about the move and my words would not flow.  My excitement hindered.  Again I grabbed those 13 pieces of paper and this time picked up my pen and said to myself... "Self, you can do this.  Let this go Self.  Let this happen, YOU NEED THIS, DO NOT AVOID THIS PAIN!!!

I began drawing my picture of each name, I wrote so fast and hard on some of the names my feelings that my pen tore through the paper and cut into my computer table.  I found myself unable to stop the flow of emotions and pain flowing out onto these pieces of paper.  Each name holding a resentment of wrongs done, abandonment, cowardly actions against me.  I realized I have been working so hard on owning my part in the results I have gotten in life by taking all the blame for the choices I made that I had forgotten that some people really hurt me, used me, betrayed me, abandoned me, crucified me.  While I was realizing my ownership in allowing this to happen due to not loving me I was not releasing the resentment and pain I felt from what they did to me.

When I was done I sat sobbing and the song came on "Nothings gonna change my world".  This song is on a CD my Mom made me and this song has played on my stereo a couple hundred times and I never heard the words till now.  I felt this song in the depths of my soul.  I began writing here with my words flowing out of endless rain into a paper cup.  I feel unblocked in a way I have not in a few months.  I know that block now.  I know the source of that block.  I am looking at that block sitting on a box in a neat pile.  It is 13 pieces of paper that I have been carrying in the base of my breast plate.  I feel lighter now, I know the steps to letting go just began.  The pain is out of me now and on that box.  Tonight the pain, resentment and anger will be burned in a sacred bowl and those 13 names will stay here.

The next part of my Journey is about new beginnings.  This month has been a purge of old pains, relationships that do not serve or support my growth.  This month has presented many lessons and all I have rose to the challenge and faced with self confidence that I have a right to let go of the negative in my life.  Today I learned that I was holding on to some really serious pain and today I get to give that up.

Right before Kahuna left he gave me the name of a song to listen to...  "I knew I loved You" by Savage Garden.  He said that it came to mind when I told him the Story of the Stella.  I felt healing listening to it just now.  My tears that are flowing are not flowing from pain.  They are flowing from knowing I loved her before I met her.  I did dream her into my life when I needed her most.  She is the best of me.  She completes me, she saved my life at time when all hope in me was gone.  She and I only had each other for 9 months today we both have the world before us.  I love you Stella, Mama is making it happen baby. All the courage I had to have you against all the odds I now have to have me, thank you baby love for the gift of life for us both.  Thank you Big Kahuna.  I love you so much.

Thank you for letting me share.

I love you from a place of release and the courage to let go of past pains and doubts of self.  I love me form a place of healing by letting go of the old and embracing the new.

One Love
Lelania
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