Sunday, June 10, 2012

The Road Less Traveled...

                                   ...Is rarely the easiest road in life~

I am learning this truth.  I am also learning the truth that the rewards are so much greater for having the bravery to take this road, the courage to stay the course despite the challenges.

The past few days has felt like many, many days as much has happened.  Since I left Sacramento in February for this Journey I have had four tows to get me to three locations starting with the rainy night I found One Love and towed it to the front of my house to begin loading her up with the few belongings I kept.
“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” 
 M. Scott Peck.

Those four tows took me to Tiki Lagun, my third home on this new path of mine.  There I met many people who I am missing already, very much.  Leaving Tiki Lagun took a group effort and four more tows, doubling my number of loved ones who helped me along the way.  This part of the Journey is certainly one of the more challenging ones, for all involved.

During day two Mr. Marley found Teddy, his first toy a gift from Wild Bill.
Last Tuesday was to be the day I left Tiki and headed to the Mountain with my Brother in Law.  He arrived at noon as planned.  One Love was securely hooked up by Brad and Rick only to discover there was something wrong with the lights.  Only the running lights came on after several hours and many attempts by Brad, Rick and my Brother Todd to solve the issue.  Losing day light we decided to chance it and drive in the slow lane, slowly.  We did not get very far.  As soon as we reached 40 mph One Love started fish tailing all over the freeway.  We made several stops, checking the air in the tires, distributing weight inside the trailer, still we went skidding about until we pulled over and waited for Rick and Lynette who offered to come take over the tow.  Our thinking was maybe the short wheel base of my Brothers SUV was the issue. We were wrong.  Once Rick reached a speed of 55mph the same thing happened again.  We reluctantly turned back for Tiki.  Being late by now we parked and called it a night.

Rick is a true blessing to all who know him,
 he is a great friend who I miss already!

When we woke in the morning Rick and Brad jumped right on finding out what the problem was.  There was a broken axel bolt and we were all relieved that nothing happened during the two tows last night that could not be repaired.  This is when an amazing thing happened.  Several came together to make things happen for me and One Love.

If something is broken, Brad is the man who can fix it.  I miss you much!
 Rick had the bolt we needed and Brad took over repairing One Love while Adrianne called Sharron to see if while she was in Tracey if she could stop by Lynette's work to fetch my ball and tow arm off of Lynette's truck so that the Big Kahuna could tow me to the Mountain.

“Love is the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth... Love is as love does. Love is an act of will -- namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.”  M. Scott Peck
 Like a destined plan everything fell into place without much effort and One Love was ready for the road.  Off we went, One Love safely hitched to The Big Kahuna's truck.  Mr. Marley was exhausted from playing in the park at Tiki while Brad repaired One Love.  He fell fast asleep with his Teddy that he found somewhere while we waited.  Teddy was his first toy, a gift from Wild Bill when Lynette and Rick first brought him to me along with a plate of Ricks fried asparagus that was out of this world good.

Puppy Love
Over the next several hours I rode comfortably with The Big Kahuna, his friend and Mr. Marley with only a few glitches.  The siding on one love had a hole and the wind begun making that small hole a much bigger one.  We pulled over a couple times to repair this issue and then got back on our way.  I enjoyed the ride having some great conversation with one of my favorite new friends who is of great counsel to me.

Another challenge along this path less traveled.
When we reached the base of the Mountain Mrs. Love and her daughter were waiting at the bottom so that we could follow them up.  Mr. Love joined us and we all excitingly began the incline up the steep and winding dirt road that by car takes a good 45 minutes to travel.  All seemed well till we reached a rather long stretch of a very steep incline only about 1/4 th of the way up.  There was a loud noise of engine roaring as we came to a stop unwillingly.  The transmission dropped and fluid began pouring out on the dirt beneath The Big Kahuna's truck.  Stuck in the middle of the dirt road we called ahead to The Loves who turned around to help us.

With little options the group of men did the best they could to reverse down the hill a few yards to get One Love and the truck to the side of the road without rolling down the mountain side.  Getting dark there was nothing else we could do.  We all rode up to the ranch in the Love's to vehicles where The Big Kahuna could get cell reception to inquire about a tow.  No tow companies were willing to treck the mountain at dark so The Big Kahuna caught a ride with the Love's into town to get a room for the night and I stayed in the cabin alone with Mr. Marley on the ranch.

Throughout all of this I was amazed at The Big Kahuna's attitude.  He was so calm, without blame or anger he dealt with the situation keeping me calm.  I was rather upset as I felt so bad for him.  He was helping me when his transmission went out and I felt horrible about that.  He assured me that it was not my fault and explained to me that life happens we choose how to react to the rough parts.  I was in awe of his inner peace in this moment.  This is a man who I have come to love dearly, on this part of my journey I learned what truth there is in accepting lives challenges with ease.  Thank you so much Kahuna, I love you.
“Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it-then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.”   M. Scott Peck

My first night on the ranch alone was spent comforting Marley for the most part.  The night noises were new to him in the wilderness and he spent the night shaking and crying rather scared.  Once he finally fell asleep I followed closely behind.  I fell into a deep sleep with the sounds of Mother Nature all around me.  I was not afraid of being up there alone, I felt at peace.  I drempt a very magical dream of a horse.  Not just any horse this horse was very powerful in my dream.  It was one of those dreams that felt so real yet like a fairy tale.  I sat in the kitchen of the cabin with the Loves when a beautiful horse came to the back door sticking his head in the window with excitement to welcome the new addition to the Mountain.  This horse was big and strong, an amazing white horse with small dark brown, almost black freckles all over it and deep brown eyes that looked right through me.  The Loves opened the door and let him in.  I remember thinking in my dream..."wow, there is a horse in the kitchen, and everyone is happy".  The horse stared into my eyes intently looking deep into my soul and somehow I knew this horse was there to welcome me to the Mountain.  Feeling a bit scared but not understanding why because everyone else was happy and I knew in my dream that this horse was no threat to me, yet something about it had an out of this world feel to me.  He walked slowly over to me never losing his deep stare into my eyes and kissed me on the forehead.  I woke remembering each freckle on his beautiful body, the deep look in his penetrating gaze into my soul and wondered why I had drempt this dream.

I made some tea and took Marley outside to get more acquainted with ranch dogs.  Penny took to Marley right off, they played while Penny established dominance.  The dogs played while I made my way around the cabin cleaning the dishes and making breakfast.  After the morning hours I decided to check out the sunny hillside next to the cabin and did a little exploring till noon arrived.  The Loves came along shortly after while I sat on the back of the truck that would soon be towing One Love the rest of the way up the Mountain.  We headed down the Mountain to meet up with The Big Kahuna and the tow truck that cost him about $2,000.  The road up the Mountain is not an easy road and no tow companies wanted to make the tow without handsome compensation for doing so.  Again I felt responsible and again The Big Kahuna assured me all was well.  One day I hope to repay him this great favor he so openly gave to me.

On the ride down in the Truck with Mrs. Love and her daughter I told them both of my dream of the horse.  Their jaws dropped when I described this horse in great detail.  They told me why such shock when my dream.  About 20 feet above the cabin lays in rest one of their horses who passed many years ago.  He was a magical creature they said and I described him to a T.  We all felt such inner peace knowing in our hearts that his spirit came to bless my arrival on my first night on the Mountain.  I felt a sense of knowing that despite the challenges of getting me and One Love safely up there it was certainly the beginning of many great moments to come.

We waited at the bottom of the Mountain for the tow truck and The Big Kahuna to come down so we could go up and hook up One Love.  I said my goodbyes and felt a little sad to see Kahuna go.  I miss him so much already.  My sadness was replaced with this next chapter of the tow to the Mountain.  The fourth attempt to bring One Love to the Ranch that sits on top of the Mountain some 3,000 feet above sea level.  Over the next hour or so Mrs. Love took the steep inclines in Granny Low at a nice even pace.  Without one problem we made our way up and One Love was safely placed in the drive way to the cabin.
Thank you Kahuna for the many lessons you have taught me, thank you much

We secured One Love, leveled her out and got my generator hooked up along with water and I lit some candles as night fell and the Love's returned home leaving me and Mr. Marley to ourselves on the Mountain. I slept in One Love beside Mr. Marley who again was a bit scared with the setting of the sun and the night noises.  We woke to a most beautiful sunrise and the dogs took to play again as I began unpacking.  Still with no internet connection or working phone service I began to feel the effects of solitude impending down on me and by 2pm was in full blown panic attack.  I began crying, wishing My Sister would arrive to pick me up for the weekend in Santa Cruz to celebrate my nephews graduation from high school.  I sat in One Love sobbing calling out to My Sister "Come get me Dumb Stupid I am ready, please come now, I need you to come now, please, I am ready Sissy"  I am embarrassed to admit I was so upset, however, I know that it is okay that I was.  Moments of fear are part of life, this is a new part of my journey and I am sure I will experience many moments of fear.  Sharing them with you is good for me.  Recognizing the fear and allowing myself to know it is okay is the only way for me to overcome it.

As I sat sobbing my Sissy and Shannon, one of our good friends pulled up like two beautiful answers to my prayers just at the right moment.  I began crying more knowing that I was no longer alone and they hugged me laughing with me as they told me about the two times they got lost down scary dirt roads of their own.  Being alone used to be a great fear of mine.  One that led me down a road in life to accepting less than I deserved in many relationships in life.  My inability to be alone with myself was my prison sentence to heart break and disappointments many times in my past years.  Overcoming this fear is huge for me.  One I have worked on the past 5 months pretty much living alone in One Love with the exception of the three weeks Gia joined me.  Now atop this Mountain that is now my home I am truly alone and I felt it on this sunny Friday.  I have not had a panic attack in some time so this old feeling of fear was strong and took a lot of hugs and reassuring from my Sissy to help me calm down and realize I was no longer alone and it was okay.

Being on the Mountain was not scary for me, the night sky or the sounds of the wilderness did not bother me.  I felt at home with those things.  It was feeling so disconnected from the world below that got to me.  Not being able to call and see what time they were coming sent me into imagining a dozen reasons why they might not make it, I thought "what if" and let my imagination and fear get the better of me with the "what if's". Now that I am in Santa Cruz I will be getting a wireless card and new phone service that has reception on the Mountain so that I do not feel so disconnected.  I will feel better knowing I can call someone.  My sister is a little worried about me being up there with no vehicle of my own.  Her only concern is forest fires.  She is not worried about the mountain lions and such as she knows the pack of dogs on the ranch will keep them at a distance.  She is concerned that if a forest fire breaks out I will have no way to leave the mountain without access to a vehicle to get to safety.  I also feel that is a concern that I had not considered before.  I am now really visualizing a vehicle for me to drive myself, lol.

Anthony and my Niece Kaili enjoying graduation cake, I miss my family
much and didn't realize how much till now.  I have been out there now
for more than a few months overcoming my fears and learning love of
self and trust in My Creator I hadn't realized how much I miss you all.
I sit here on this sunny Sunday morning reflecting over the amazing events that took place the past few days while my nephew sleeps on the blow up mattress across the room.  He and I are so close, as are my sissy and I.  He gave up his bedroom for me and Mr. Marley to rest comfortably in, that is just the kind of guy he is and has always been.  He looks like an Angel to me now and I am reminded of the celebrations yesterday and the words he spoke to his mother, my sister during the toasts made in his honor.  Tears streamed down my face listening to him speak about the love and appreciation he has for her and all she has done for him in life.  Yet another magical moment in time that will be etched in my heart for ever.

It has been a great weekend spent with loved ones, today we will go get the wifi card and phone I need.  Stock up on gasoline for my generator and get some replacement parts needed for my fridge that won't keep a flame and one of my propane tanks that needs a new valve and hose due to a small leak.  Then I will head back up the Mountain.  I feel a bit of that fear of solitude however have come to peace with this feeling and recognize that I wanted this, I asked for this challenge and many people came together to help this next part of my Journey progress so there is no turning back now.  There is a part of me that wishes I could run back to Tiki or stay put here at my Sisters.  However, a bigger part of me longs to overcome these fears and see what rewards await on the other side.  I am learning now that fears are life's gifts for me to overcome and though they are powerful in their moments, so powerful that sometimes it feels like the sky above is crumbling down around me the reward for enduring that feeling and moving forward without avoidance of my fears puts them to rest not to return in the same repeated way they used to.
My Sissy and her son, my nephew share a moment of love with us all

I love the day moon, it reminds me that day and night are not so separate
I do not know what all lies ahead for me on this Mountain but I know I can face what ever great challenges  come my way.  By trusting myself and my creator I know that this is going to be an amazing time for me, another chapter of this Journey that will change me for ever I am sure.

Have a most blessed Sunday full of knowing that our fears only last as long as we try to avoid them.  That lesson is a great one for me today.  One I am proud to be learning willingly now.

I love you from a place of excitement and anticipation for the new adventures ahead.

One Love

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  1. Hey Girl,

    You are a strong woman and after ALL that you have been through you can do this!!!! I believe in you. But if you ever decide that you want to come back to Tiki all you have to do is call and I'll be there in a flash. I miss you my Sista.

  2. Thank you so much Lynette, I am blessed to have a great friend like you in my life. I am so happy you and I got so close my last month there. Maybe one day I will return but for now I have to do this for me. I spent my life being strong for others this one is for me. And you are right my Sista I can do this, smile!! I love you too.