Wednesday, July 4, 2012

I'm still learning.... Still growing!

I love you Stella Star
Tears of gratitude flowed down my face as love poured out from my heart while viewing the new set of Stella photos my Baby Daddies sent me.  Seeing her smile, her steps, her attitude, all fills me with a feeling like no other.  Through Stella I truly learned what love is, what it means.  She taught me that true unconditional love means I want you to be happy even if it means without me.  She taught me that what we are misled to believe love is, is not love at all.

Such a beautiful Smile you have my little Angel

We are raised to believe that love means holding on tight and never letting go.  Taught that we have to be selfish to love.   Misled to believe that love begins and ends, is earned and lost.  When all along it is love can allow us to lets go, love that encourages growth in ourselves and others, love understands that sometimes we have to be apart to walk our own paths.

That's right baby, enjoy your life!

Love in it's most honest form allowed me to choose a better life for Stella than I could provide.  While I miss her daily and yes I cry often, however, they are tears of joy in knowing that she has two amazing fathers who love her as much as I do, knowing that she is protected, loved and cherished comforts me.

I have kept my Stella Star lit day and night the past two days after being away from One Love most of last month and not being able to light her star.  So much was going on in June we were unable to plan a weekend to visit and I can tell I need to see her this month.  My spirit is missing her and needs to give her a big hug.

Renee and Marley got super close this weekend!

I spent the weekend with Renee, my first Granddaughter.  She is my little princess.  Now 6 years old, she was the reigning princess for over 3 years as the only girl in my or my Sisters family before my niece Kaili was born and a little over and a year and a half ago Stella arrived and then Semya, Renee's little sister joined us.  Renee still knows she is Nani's little princess though, haha.

Having been away for 5 months since I left on my Journey and even longer since I spent much time with the kids due to my missing Stella and having a hard time being around other children Renee took full advantage of our time together and made me feel like the most important Grandma in the world.

Renee helped Marley get over his depression of missing my Sissy's dog Reef

I can tell that I have changed much over the past 5 months on this Journey of self love.  Whereas I could hardly spend time with other children without feeling so guilty and sad over missing Stella.  I now feel totally different.  I have let go of the feelings of guilt for not keeping her, I always knew that my choice was the right one for her but still felt like a failure.

Some people would make comments like... "you just gave her away?" that cut like a knife.  Some of those people were the very same people who thought I should have gotten an abortion and left me to be homeless for the duration of my pregnancy with Stella.  I have also let go of the pain from the hurtful things others thought and said of me for me making the choice to give her more.  I know now I was meant to walk the path I walked to get to the place where I could begin to heal, begin to grow.

Renee, thank you for a great weekend baby.  Nani loves you the biggest.
Since leaving Sacramento behind 5 months ago I have learned a lot about myself, forgiven much about my choices in life and began the healing needed to build a solid foundation for myself filling my own basket with ingredients that sustain me instead of temporary ingredients to numb the void.  I have a long way to go, knowing that is good for me.  In the past I have had a habit of becoming satisfied with a little progress then allowing self doubt to deter me from continuing on to reaching my goals.  Today I don't have goals, today I have dreams and there is a huge difference.

Goals were formed from my conditioned thinking that led me to seek external things in my efforts to find happiness.  Dreams are born inside of me and lead me to seek inner peace and joy.  Things, money, status cannot achieve my dreams of living a life worth living.  Yes, I need money to survive in this world, but I do not need it to be happy or have worth.  Money is a necessary evil, I have learned that what I do to get it and what I do with it is up to me.  I have also learned how little we need to survive and how little we need to experience joy and happiness.

I still struggle to make it through the month with simple things like propane and fresh water, having enough food and so on.  However, now I love each day, I have joy each day.  Struggles are not such a burden any more.  I am learning to reach out and trust others to help me when I need help where I used to hate feeling vulnerable and having to beg for help and would rather go without or go get it myself.  I am learning how to ask, and I mean that literally.  I used to ask the wrong way because I didn't want to ask, so I kinda barked, haha.

I can see the sun rising over the houses in the distance.  While the view is not of the River or long stretches of farm land or ocean it is as amazing and beautiful as if it were.  The past few days here have reminded me that there is beauty everywhere, nature is with us even where concrete surrounds us. I think I will spend the rest of this week seeking out the beauty around me as a stronger reminder that coming back to Sacramento is another step in this journey, one I am meant to take.

I love you all from a place of love for the here and now, as the here and now is as good as it gets when we recognize the value of each moment rather than living in the past or worrying about the future.  Have a most blessed day.

One Love

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