Sunday, July 8, 2012

I've been feeling...

                                                  ...a little down this week.

This has been a rough week for me.  I have felt very isolated, feeling doubt in myself and questioning my own abilities to move forward in my growth.  Somehow I have came to a plateau of sorts, moving to Sacramento has taken it's toll on me.  The heat is unbearable most days so going outside is not very appealing for me or Mr. Marley.  We both have been sleeping a lot and I think he too is a little depressed missing Reef.

I have been feeling very alone.  While coming here is like going somewhere new a lot of ways as I left here severing most of my relationships because they were superficial and hurtful ones.  So I am truly starting a new here as if it were a new place for me however, there is this reminder in the back of my head of the pain felt here in the past.

Laughter and Friends can turn a day around!
That pain is still fresh I am realizing.  This morning I am also realizing that maybe that is exactly why I am here, to deal with this pain.  I am much stronger today than I was when I left five months ago.  I am also a much different person than I was then.  I realized just how different when spending time with some good life long friends last night who picked me up to get out of One Love for a while.  These friends are also trying to change things about themselves.

Old friends sharing new beginnings, yeah!
We are all about the same age and all have shared our share of mistakes in life.  Some together and some apart.  One thing is constant, we have always been friends no matter what we did or didn't have material wise.

We have also wasted many years of our lives searching for happiness and all seem to have found ourselves in the same place; seeking change, a healthier life, inner peace and joy, a life that sustains us, something real not superficial.

Kim it is so nice meeting you, I look forward to
getting to know you better.

Where we used to get together to party, drink ourselves under the table and act stupid, haha.  Yesterday we enjoyed discussions about things we have never talked about before.  Eating healthier, the current state of our world, our spiritual enlightenment and growth.

We listened to oldies, Spencer and Tammy did the two step and we all laughed honest deep laughs talking about all the silly things we did growing up.  Kim and Tammy are sisters, and they have always been like sisters to me.  Spencer and Laura I have known as long as I have Kim and Tammy.  We all go back about 30 years.  That is a long time.

I am happy to see an old friend in a new place~
I shared with Laura and Kim earlier in the day my feeling isolated and depressed.  Both of them helped me to remember my strength and I am very grateful for that.  I am also very grateful that after all the years we have known each other, the differences we have had and the separate paths we have walked at many times we have all arrived back here at this place of seeking something better, seeking growth and change.

A lifetime of memories, a lifetime of love!

Laura who I haven't seen in years let me know that if I need a ride to the Doctor she is here to help as I have been having trouble finding help getting a ride anywhere.  That was a relief and felt great to know that I have someone to ask for help.

Father and Son, I remember Anthony being just a
boy, seeing him now all grown up reminds me how
many years have passed since old days, what a
awesome guy he has turned out to be!
I also met some of my neighbors yesterday.  Jim the manager here has been checking on me and I shared with him the other day that I was being a little bit of a hermit and feeling a little down when he came by to say that the chicken I marinated for the 4th of July BBQ here at the park came out good and they all missed me coming, many were looking forward to meeting me.  I explained that I was feeling down and having trouble getting outside to meet new people right now.  So yesterday he decided to take matters into his own hands and brought people to meet me, haha.  Jim is a great guy, he has since moving here been very helpful and kind.  He believes in what I am doing, I can see that and feel grateful that someone I do not know well has taken the time to care enough to push for me to push through this mood I have been in.

I love you Spencer, 30 years and you still make me smile
So blessed to see you doing so well, thank you for the
encouraging words and great laughs, I'm making that list of
new foods for you today, I'm so proud of you my brother.

I had a dream last night, it was a great one and it reminded me to stay in the here and now.  Not to worry about the past or the future.  It reminded me that I am love, I am strength and I am!  It also reminded me that Family is what we make it.  We are all family, you and I.  We are all of the same creation and I do not need to sit feeling the pain of what was or is not now.  I am going to challenge myself today to get out of One Love and meet some new people, make some new friends, talk about the tree and get ready to start painting again.

I had to remind myself this morning that it is okay to share here my feelings of loneliness, my fears, my doubts.  After all we all have them.  I still have trouble sharing my hard days, and need to remember that sharing with you the vulnerable moments is as important as sharing my moments of strength and clarity.  It is okay to say I am scared today, I feel alone today, I need some support.

Now that I have said it, I don't feel so scared, so alone.  Funny how that works.  We hold onto our feelings as we have been taught that appearances matter and we should appear strong and have it all together.  We have been taught that people will hurt us if we let them know they can.  The truth is that people can't help us if they don't know we need it, we are much more susceptible to getting hurt by others if they do not know we are fragile at that moment.

Sharing is caring, haha.  Thank you for letting me share this morning.  I have gotten an early start on my day and am getting back into my normal schedule of getting up early anticipating the sun rise.  I wish you all a most wondrous day full of great break troughs in your own journeys.

One Love
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