Sunday, July 15, 2012

My Son...

                                            ...My Sun!

Waking up to see my son sleeping is as inspiring for me as waking to see the sunrise each morning.  Our children light up our lives, they are a source of such brilliance in us that grows from the love and nurturing of parenting.

Sweet dreams my big angel, you are one of greatest blessings in life~
Brandon is my youngest son, long referred to as my baby.  No longer a baby at the age of 23 now he is a man.  My ability to see him as a man did not come easily and I am sure many parents out there can relate.  Parenting does not end at 18, there is no age at which we stop worrying, caring, hoping.  Our children being an extension of us we or at least I had the hardest time making the transition from "Mother who knows best" to being a mother who understands that he is his own man.

Sometimes letting go is the best way to hold on I am learning~
The past few years have been hard for me and my sons, they have taken a toll on our relationships with each other.  Yesterday I was given the opportunity to share a most beautiful moment with my youngest son.  A moment where our eyes and hearts met.  I made amends to my son for my weaknesses in the past few years, for breaking down and for any hurt I caused him.  I cried as he wiped my eyes and said "Mom, don't cry, it's okay!", "No, Brandon it was not okay, and I am sorry that I wasn't stronger and didn't set a better example for you during that time."  I replied.  Then I explained to him that tears are good, great in fact, they are our way of cleansing our soul by releasing unneeded regrets and pain.  He held me saying "I understand Mom" then he pulled away and looked at me and said his own apologies to me.  With such genuine intent he began to list his regrets as I tried to stop him also telling him it was okay, he proceeded saying... "No, Mom let me get this out, you deserve to hear this and I need to say it!"

Here I sit crying again, good tears of the realization that he is a good man with a most beautiful heart.  We both tried to stop the other from reliving the past mistakes we made by quickly accepting the apology feeling our hearts connection.  We both needed for ourselves to say out loud what we were sorry for.  As if we had carried that burden of regret on our hearts till this moment when we were able to let it go.  Making amends is for us both, you and I, I now realize that more than ever.

Brandon at the age of 1, we called you the nummy monster, cookies and chips
were your nummies and you asked for them alllllll daaaaay long, hahahaha
I look at him sleeping, breathing softly as he did when he was a baby.  I used to watch him sleep and I'd play with the silky ringlets of curls on his beautiful round head.  I sit here now thinking to myself how quickly the years have passed us by.  So many memories.  I see the scar on his head and i can remember that day so clearly.  I was in college with dreams of becoming a child psychologist to help children like myself who grew up in an abusive environment.  I came home from school to find a trail of blood from our front door to the driveway where it ended.  In a panic I ran in the empty house only to find more blood with no one there.  I ran to three neighbors houses before I found one who knew where my son was.  He had been taken to Kaiser ER by my neighbors husband after hitting his head on the corner of the hall way door while running in the house with his older brother who was chasing him.  She couldn't tell me much more than there was a lot of blood and his injury looked pretty deep.  We didn't have cell phones then, we had a house phone.

I raced to Kaiser with a million thoughts running through my mind.  The drive a blur as the only thing I remember is my need to get to my son.  I walked into the emergency room to find my husband sitting with blood all over his shirt laughing while Brandon and his older brother Semaj sat drawing funny pictures with the crayons and paper supplied by the nurses.  Brandon's head partially bandaged now they were waiting for the nurse to take them in to see the doctor.  He was alright, he looked up at me smiling the biggest smile and said "Momma, I getta get sti... sti... what are they called Dad?"  I let out a huge sigh of relief as I laughed and finished his sentence for him... "there called stitches honey, and only big boys get to get stitches, now come here and let momma see your owwie" as I cut my husband a look of disapproval for letting my baby get hurt while I was gone, as if he didn't feel bad enough already.

Over the years that scar reminded me of the fear I felt seeing all that blood when I got home that day and was one of many reasons I was the controlling mother I was all the way up until I learned a most valuable lesson about parenting.  I learned that I had to let go so that he could grow!

Brandon 23, Semaj 27.  My Sons I love you both so much and I am so proud
of you both for the Men you are and the Men you continue to become.  
Today that scar is still there and in my heart he is still that baby calling me "Momma", asking for nummies at 2 am in the morning and banging on the bathroom door while I showered because he couldn't stand to be away from me for any length of time till he was about 4 or 5.  Seeing Marley curled up with him makes me laugh as Marley actually reminds me of him, he too won't let me leave his side without great protest no matter who is near I cannot walk away from him without him yelping and barking in a panic.  I often call Brandon and Marley by each others names and we both get a big laugh out of it.

Yesterday was a great day, I needed to reconnect with my son after the distance that grew between us in the two years before I started this journey.  We both needed to close that chapter with love and forgiveness so that we could start in the here and now together.

Having had a mother, and having been a mother,
I know that motherhood is joyous,
heartbreaking, & complicated.
Every mother has a story. ~
 Quote by Donna George,
My Mother
While parenting doesn't end it does change, we change, they change.  We fear that change only because it is unknown, letting go of the control we think keeps them safe and us from worry is the first step in allowing the natural changes to take place that are so needed for both them and us.  I am blessed to be on the other end of that now, letting go was hard to do.

I love you Brandon, you will always be my baby, now though you are more.  Now you are my son who I am so proud of no matter what.  I recognize you, I see you as the Man you are and I am blessed to have you as my son.

Have a great day everyone, thank you for joining me today while I share some personal moments that I think most parents can relate to no matter what stage you are at in your own parenting.

I wish you the blessings of knowing the gifts I am now being given in life through understanding, acceptance and forgiveness and above all through love!

For me this Journey of self love has enlightened me in many ways as a parent, loving myself unconditionally helps me to love them better, more, without the blocks of condition that we as parents unknowingly set in our way many days.  Yesterday healing took place that helped the removal of those blocks for us both.

One Love
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