Thursday, July 26, 2012

The day out of time~

The day was electric, exciting, uplifting, disappointing and moving.  It was a winding road of emotions starting from the moment I woke up bursting with energy, excited to begin day one of my new ViSalus diet and exercise plan.  I dance around One Love throughout the morning, feeling a bit lighter on my feet, almost out of body is the best way I can describe how I was feeling yesterday.  I was floating on a natural high of joy and hope.

Love was in the air everywhere and it sustained me through the days disappointments.  It brought me closer to others, it helped me to realize some things, some great things about me, about others and about life~

Life has a way of flowing in it's own direction and most of my life I have been swept away by the current being thrown from shore to shore sometimes sinking to the bottom only to discover I didn't want to be there. In those moments I found myself frantically swimming for shore, gasping for air, seeking a branch or vine to grasp so I could pull myself to shore.

I always managed to make it ashore to dry land where I would prosper again for a time rebuilding, recreating.  I am a best under pressure gal, when the storm picks up and the waves crash against each other battling for direction I surf with ease, soar brilliantly through the violent waves .  

It was when the sea was calm for too long, the little ripples of life, the disappointments, the day to day repetitive struggle got to hard that I couldn't make anything go right, felt like giving up.  I needed the storm so I could board up and feel alive again soaring down the face of a great wave of challenge and change.

I created the storms, I made mountains out of mole hills.  I needed disasters so I could feel compelled to save the day and save the day I would, effortlessly. Then I could enjoy the silence for a while, feeling deserving of it's peace and comfort until alas the storm was needed again.

Today is different, I am different.  I am learning, growing.  I no longer need the storm to sail, the wind alone carries me across the sea.  The wind is my breath, with intent I steer my own course, steadily over any conditions.  All I had to do was to learn gratitude for what I have in each moment.  Gratitude for the current emotion, feeling.  

I think we spend most of our lives seeking a feeling, searching for something to move us.  We want to be in love, we want to feel successful, accomplished.  When all along we are love and in that realization our life is a success and we have accomplished what we came here to accomplish. 

A few things happened yesterday, I didn't get to see the doctor.  I have waited a month for this appointment and was eager to get my referrals for my surgeries and get my start weight for my diet.  It was my own fault.  I forgot to submit my change of address for my insurance.  Still I felt for a moment like other forces were to blame only to quickly realize that the blame was my own.  So I did what I needed to do to get the ball rolling for my next appointment with the help of my daughter in law Shawntice and my grandson Baby Brandon who took me around town to handle things.

While we were out my daughter took me by a couple different parks in Sacramento in nicer neighborhoods.  She being worried about me wanted me to consider a move to a park in a safer neighborhood.  The parks we looked at were nice, lots of trees, one had a pool.  I thought to myself it would be nice to not have to hear any gunshots or helicopters overhead.  Even more so I thought it would feel safer not to be in the same park with neighbors who have white pride tattoos and swastikas shaved into their chest.

There are a few white supremacy people in this park, some who seem to prefer to keep this park full of white only tenants.  I do somewhat disrupt that preference with my multicultural family, friends and beliefs.  I also being the honest outspoken broad I am love to spread love and acceptance.  I am not one to bight my tongue or hide who I am out of fear.  I don't feel the need to shove my beliefs or choices down anyone's throat, however, I will speak my truth at all times, clearly.

I returned home to One Love where Peggy Sue was watching Mr. Marley for me to find her and Theresa also feelings lives disappointments.  We all three sat in One Love crying together, all surprised that we were crying.  We decided to focus on what we had to be grateful for and sat making  a list of all that we had as the weight of what we don't have lightened.  We came to the conclusion that we weren't so bad off.  We realized that we had each other at that moment and in that found much comfort.  The girls were upset because their efforts to find a bigger trailer were not going so well, their father growing frustrated was considering moving on so that he could provide better for his daughters.  

Here I was looking at new parks and my girls (they have grown in this short time to be my girls in many ways) were upset wanting to stay right here.  I realized that I too don't want to leave just yet, I was brought here for a reason and the owner is an awesome and gentle soul who like us believes that we are going to do big things for change.  As a group we can be effective in great changes I believe.

One of the things on our list of things to be thankful for was Jim (the owner).  We thought it was awesome to be wanted my your landlord, to have someone who wants to work with you, help you.  Someone who believes in more than the rent we generate.  Together we want to turn this little park into a garden, a community structure that demonstrates the power of togetherness.

After the girls left I decided to take Marley outside.  As I stepped outside one of the parks tenants who is covered in white pride tattoos happened to be a few feet away.  I smiled and said hello, just being me.  I see a person, no matter what color they are or wear they are accepted by me so I extended  a welcome hello.  He came over to One Love and returned my hello.  Curious about my half painted trailer he asked about it.  I shared my journey with him, told him about the tree of life and how friends I make along the way can join in and add their hand prints to signify One People of One World, One Love!

We talked for a good hour, he shared with me that he is also an artist, showed me his many tattoos most of which he did himself being a tattoo artist.  We shared our stories of past, I explained my reasons for embarking on this journey.  At one point with direct and deep eye contact I told him that I had learned that no matter what we have done or believed in our past we are all capable of change, all capable of loving all others despite our differences.  We laughed and shared some touching moments of understanding.  Before he left, something happened... He gave me a big hug.  It was genuine, touching and moving.  He has met my son, seen my family come and go.  He knows that I do not share the beliefs that artistically cover his skin.  Yet we, him and I shared a moment of understanding.  

I realized that I don't need to fear them any more than they need to fear me.  It is this world "WE" have created that has allowed us to become so separated by things like the color of our skin that "WE" have the power to recreate.  The first step in that is letting go of the fears that generate hate and doing something like saying hello, sharing a smile.  Yesterday he and I didn't judge our books by the covers and in that we learned a few things about each other.

The girls came back over and I shared what had happened with them.  I realized something amazing yesterday.  Change for us all is a big dream, one that begins with small steps of acceptance in each of us.  This park may not be covered in trees, sitting on a river.  This park is in the middle of a neighborhood full of tension and struggle.  We are all in the same boat though, we are all just trying to make it, keep food on our tables, a roof over our heads.  We share that in common and if we can form a bond on that alone we have a beginning for change right here.

I read a quote recently that said "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world, today I am wise so I am changing myself!"  That is where it is at, that is what's up my friends.  As Gandhi said "Be the change you want to see." I know that change begins in me and grows from there.  

I think I will stick around for a while, I can learn a lot here.  Besides I really have fallen in love with these three amazing young women who are so full of dreams and hope for a better future also.  We have a lot to start with here, in time our love will grow and expand outside of the gates of this little park in the ghetto.  We are a community of people who share more in common than we see by judging a book by it's cover.  

I also stuck to my diet, no need to eat my feelings away.  I am super proud of that.  I feel great this morning.  I feel at peace and while there may be storms brewing around me, I no longer am creating them, rather I am embracing them and overcoming them.  The ability to have this peace and gratitude was in me all along I just had to let go of the thinking that blocked me from experiencing it.

Here is my day one video.
I named it "Day Won" because I won the day, wink!


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I love you all from a place of complete acceptance for all our differences with a realization that life has molded us each into what we have become and we can now mold ourselves into who we are, we are one~




One Love
Lelania  



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