Friday, August 10, 2012

Better than I used to be!


Good morning my friends,
Today I want to talk a bit about feelings and emotions as well as my past.  I try not to focus too much on my past these days.  I have been experiencing a lot of emotions this week and some that are not exactly my favorite emotions to experience.  I used to live life as a victim, my emotions that fueled that victim stance had full reign over my day to day life before I learned that I control my emotions.  Especially when I learned that I was mostly a victim of myself and my own fears.   Being responsible for my feelings doesn't mean that they don't rear their ugly little heads at times, they do.  Today I am lucky to recognize them when they appear and process them the right ways.

~Scared~ 
I have truly learned who I was isn't who I gotta be.  I have worked through a lot of my past pains, overcome a lot of bad habits, changed old ways of thinking and above all faced my fears one by one.

The first book I read when I started this Journey was "SoulWork" by Susan Patton Thoele.  In that book I learned an exercise called "Throwing Stones".  You may remember my "An Empty Basket" post.  That exercise taught me how to let go of things by letting my mind see me throw it away and has been a great exercise more than once.

I also made friends with The Big Kahuna in Stockton, Ca. at my third location.  He helped me to let go of some pain I was carrying deep in my chest with an old Hawaiian ritual that I wrote about on my "Dust in the Wind" post.







Fear is a powerful emotion that can make things look much worse than they are, facing our fears is the first
step in creating an amazing life and living with love as love.  When I feel scared I open up the "Scared" card to remind myself of things I can do to overcome my fears.  Tools like these help our minds to see things and our minds need that to fully process things especially when we are just beginning to face our demons.


~Anxious~
My Second book was "The Shack" by William P. Young.  This was a great book for me to learn about forgiveness.  Through reading this book I was able to really forgive myself and others.  I was also able to realize that God loves me.  I know that sounds silly but for most of my life I have believed that I wasn't worthy of Gods love.  This book is one of the best I have ever read, I couldn't put it down and highly advise anyone out there battling with forgiveness read it not now but right now, it is that good.

The next book I read was "Spiritual Partnership The journey to authentic power." by Gary Zukav.  This was the perfect book to follow The Shack for me.  In this book I learned a lot about the changes taking place in me, in all of us.  I learned how to let go of toxic relationships in my life that do not support my growth and I also learned a very valuable visualization tool... I learned to view life as a game, me as the coach and the parts of my personality as my team.  I learned that I have control over which players I put on the court and which I bench.  I learned that I don't have to let my emotions control me, I now manage them.




~BREATH~
Anxiety feels like the world is caving in, it can be very powerful and scary I rarely suffer from Anxiety these days
and do not need the medication the doctors had me on for years to help me deal with my anxiety.  Truth is those
pills only put a band-aid on the problem, today I am about solutions that help me to overcome these emotions, heal
the pains that cause them, that is what's up!
These are great ways for me to overcome anxiety that help me to heal the pains that cause these emotions to surface!



~Loneliness~
I also watched several documentaries like "The Secret" and "Love" which goes deeper into "The Secret" and the law of attraction and what unconditional love really means.  These really helped me to realize the power of my thoughts and their affect on what I create in life, I create the results I get.  I learned about Gratitude and the power of being thankful for what I have.  By putting that energy out there I receive more to be grateful for.  It really works ya'll.













Sometimes I get pretty lonely.  Changing my ways also meant changing my environment.  So I had to let go of old relationships
that were toxic to my growth.  Starting over can be lonely some times. Recognizing it is okay to feel lonely I don't have to avoid it by making bad choices like repeating old bad choices or behaviors.  I realized I would rather be alone and lonely than with the wrong people and still lonely.  Loving myself, trusting myself to reach out and share myself honestly with others so that I can be supported and loved back has helped me to really understand how much we all need each other.  Helped me to realize that none of us are perfect so I don't have to judge myself anymore and am no longer defined by the judgments of others.  That Rocks~



~Overwhelmed~ 
Along with these helpful tools I have done my own experiments and work toward changing from the old me to the new me and the better me who I am becoming.  A big part of the changes occurring in me is being able to share here with ya'll.  Overcoming my fears and trusting that I will be loved and accepted by others if I am just honest about it all.  Even more, learning to love and accept myself by sharing it all, the good and bad of me.  Each step of the way I have received overwhelming support from all of you.  I have also gotten a lot of emails and phone calls thanking me for sharing some of the things I was the most scared to share.  People telling me they realized they too can open up their own closets and clean out the cob webs and skeletons and begin to heal and grow.

That is what this is all about my friends, this is about you and I healing our hearts, overcoming our fears together and becoming a world of One Love!

I get overwhelmed a lot, this journey is about learning to let go of old thinking and behaviors and building new values and self worth.  Sometimes I feel like it is to much, this is to hard, I don't have the means to get through this or the resources to do this.  I push past that by being grateful for what I have and making the best of it.  I always end up being rewarded with the gift of more to be grateful for.  Thats the law of attraction combined with the realization of how powerless fears are when love is my driving force in life!



~Bored~
Yesterday I overcame a big fear and did so with a lot of emotion and that made sharing this experience even more scary but I pushed past that and overcame the inner doubt that wanted to keep me from moving ahead.  I made a new Challenge Video that is linked below.  I spent the morning making cards to illustrate the feelings that pop up from time to time.  I have lists I make to go to when these emotions come up.  My Mom likes lists and she helped me with the idea to start making them, thank you Mom I love you so much.  Making the cards was intended to be for the audience of the video and ended up being more for me.  With each picture I drew on the cards I made I revisited that emotion, acknowledged it and helped myself to see even more how important it is to accept all these feelings so that they can be understood and healed.




In the past boredom was a huge reason for me to need to act and not always in productive ways.  Today I know I don't have to do anything when I am bored.  Sometimes I just need to allow myself to be, sometimes I need to find my inner light and motivation to get up and "GET ER DONE" a saying me and my Sons say a lot that always makes me laugh and gives me motivation to do just that~


I was really scared to make that video and even more scared to post it, but I did it.  Shortly after I received a call from an old friend who I love dearly who let me know some people from my past are spreading lies and rumors about me in a group that used to be my world.  At first I was really hurt that they would still have so much hate in them to want to do that.  I didn't understand why? I am embarrassed to say I was hurt and a little angry.  I have worked really hard to let go of the pain of my past and to forgive a lot of people including myself.  So I was confused about them still trying to hurt me with lies.

I talked to my Sister about it and she really helped me to work through it and realize that I cannot do anything about what others think or say.  She helped me to remember how far I have come.  Back then I used to be so affected by what others said and would let their lies or judgments define me.  Not Today!!!  Today I care what I think about me.  I know the truth and the truth is what I live.  The song below really spells it out for me.

~Depressed~
While I am not defined by what others say I want to face some more fears here this morning.  I am going to talk a little about my past so I can clear the air for my own reasons.  I believe that owning our junk helps us to let it go so that it does not define us and we can move on.  I have been working on moving on for since the beginning of this Journey and have made major progress.

However, there are some out there who want to bring me down with my past choices.  So for them and for me I am going to put my cards on the table so maybe they too can move on and do some healing of their own.  See, I don't have any resentments towards those who hurt me in the past.  Quite the opposite, I love them and understand that they are carrying their own demons that haven't been dealt with.  Their words and attempts to hurt me are really them hurting and I hope this post helps them to realize that.








Today loving me is where I am at, no longer defined by the fear of what others think or held back by my own doubts and negative self image I know how to deal with depression without all the antidepressants that doctors loved to prescribe me.  Today I use vitamins and activities and self talk to lift me up so that I can have courage to open up and share with others and strength to heal my fears with love.



In my first book that I am trying to finish I talk very openly and really bare my soul about all of my bad choices in my past.  Here I try to focus on the present and along with this blog am working on my second book that has more in it than I share here as some lessons and experiences are not best shared here when they are happening for many reasons that will make sense to you when you read my second book.

A part of my past that I am not proud of or ashamed of is my past addiction to drugs.  In the past when I didn't love myself and found myself in places where I really hated myself I would turn to drugs to numb that pain.  I wanted to hurt myself.  I didn't know how to deal with the pain I felt, didn't know where to begin to be honest.  As the pain got worse in life so did my turning to drugs to hurt myself till one day when last December when my sister asked me... "Sis, I understand you use drugs to hurt yourself when you are in that place but what are you going to do when you need them like Mom did?"  I didn't have an answer for her until I got home from my Christmas visit and found that one of my long time friends who I trusted with my keys and used to get high with had robbed my house.  I realized the answer to my sisters question... I was going to start lying to and stealing from my friends.  Now I have been a lot of things but never a thief.  I sat for a day crying trying to figure out how my friend could do that to me, and I realized it wasn't my friend who did that, it was the addiction who did it.

I haven't touched drugs since then.  I started my yard sales and looking for a trailer.  I found One Love and began this journey.  I have 8 months clean this month.  I am not ashamed I am proud.  While it does hurt that some out there want to spread rumors that I am using again.  I realize that is their lie and they can tell it all they want.  I am not who they knew me to be.  In the past lies like that would have been enough for me to say to myself...  "you might as well get high, everyone says you are anyways" Well not today, not any day!  Today I also realize that anyone who would spread rumors saying things like that has no honest concern for my sobriety and would hope me to relapse finding satisfaction in that.  That in itself is sad to me and a big reason not to take their lies and rumors personal.  Anyone who gets satisfaction in others failures is living life failing to understand the value of life themselves.  I send them some love and positive thoughts to help them have their own awakening that helps them to want for themselves and all others better.

See I love me today, I really love me.  I cannot imagine ever going back to feeling the way I felt before.  So I want to say to those of you out there who want me to be hurt with your lies that I love and forgive you.  I understand that you have your own reasons for trying to hurt me or wanting to see me fail.  I pray for you to see those reasons and what drives them so you can join me in loving you the way I am loving me.  See me loving me has helped me to let go of any need to hate, blame or resent you.  When we love ourselves truly we cannot be unkind to others.  When we love ourselves we don't have any reason to hate others, judge others or feel offended or threatened by others positive changes in their lives.  I used to be hurting too so I understand where you are at and I know it is a hard place to be.  I offer you only love and peace with the hopes that you too will find your inner light.

To those who have stood by me these past 8 months of recovery, who have encouraged me and celebrated my continuing success I want to say I love you so much, your  support has helped me in ways I can never express in words.

I ain't no Angel, I have a past with a long list of bad choices.  That is okay, today I know who I have been is not who I gotta be!  No matter what anyone says about me, today I am defined by who I am, not what others say of me.  I do not regret my past, it taught me understanding, compassion and not to judge others.  Because today I truly understand that we all have our breaking points and finding mine is what led me here.  I wouldn't change any of it for the world.

If I hadn't been so wrong in the past I wouldn't truly know what getting right feels like.  Thank you for letting me share this with you.  Overcoming one fear at a time over here helps so much!  Doing so helps to take the power away from that fear.   I know we all have things in our past, maybe even in our present we are ashamed of, remember that shame and holding all that in is what allows it to own us.  Opening up and letting it out is the beginning of healing.  There are going to be many who accept you regardless of your mistakes, see we all make mistakes.  No one is perfect!  Those who don't accept you don't need to be in your life anyways.

There is so much freedom in honesty and accountability for how we treat ourselves and others.  I wish for all the people of my past who still carry ill intent toward me to learn about that so they to can be free of the pain hurting others causes ourselves.

Thank you for joining me today, here is my new video.  Please remember to vote for me on the link under the video.  I am in the top 100 of the Challenge now, WOW how awesome is that!  I think I just my be testimony to anyone's ability to change their life, one step at a time, one day at a time.



My Challenge Channel Link

I love you all from a place of gratitude for your love, acceptance and support.

One Love 
Lelania




"Better Than I Used To Be"
I found this video on Youtube.  I do not own any rights to this song or video.  I do however love the heck out
of Tim McGraw and this song!  I hope it is okay to share this video with ya'll This song really touches on where I am today! 



I know how to hold a grudge
I can send a bridge up in smoke
And I can't count the people I've let down, the hearts I've broke
You ain't gotta dig too deep
If you wanna find some dirt on me
I'm learning who you've been
Ain't who you've got to be
It's gonna be an uphill climb
Aww honey I won't lie

I ain't no angel
I still got a few more dances with the devil
I’m cleaning up my act little by little
I’m getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get
But I’m better than I used to be

I’ve pinned a lot of demons to the ground
I’ve got a few old habits left
But there’s still one or two I might need you to help me get
Standing in the rain so long has left me with a little rust
But put some faith in me
And someday you’ll see
There’s a diamond under all this dust

I ain't no angel
I still got a few more dances with the devil
I’m cleaning up my act little by little
I’m getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get
But I’m better than I used to be

I ain't no angel
I still got a few more dances with the devil
But I’m cleaning up my act little by little
I’m getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get
But I’m better than I used to be
     
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