Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Fingering the triggers...

This past weekend has been an roller coaster of emotions that lead to some deep insights for me into my own strengths and weaknesses.  Fingering the triggers of self hate and sabotage that I have suffered from going back to my childhood.  The cool thing about doing our own soul work and challenging ourselves to face our demons is that when these strong and overwhelming emotions come up they do not have free reign for long.

By the work I have been doing to overcome my fears I have learned that they are not so scary and rarely warning me of a truth or a real threat.  Fears are the inner workings of the part of our mind that is fed by our ego and if left unchallenged will cement themselves in our very being as our reality.  That reality feeling very real and very overpowering.

When I was driven by my fears I could only hear my inner ego warning me, protecting me, confirming my position of being the victim. I couldn't hear anyone else or understand why I was going through most of the things in life I was going through, even when others who cared tried to point it all out to me.

I don't need to be the wounded victim any more
I don't need to hurt to feel valuable any more
Today I just want to love myself and for that to be enough!
Living that way was damaging me and my relationships with others.  It was also a huge justification for most if not all of the self destructive behaviors I developed like overeating.  Eating has been a way for me to protect myself.  Since the beginning I have found comfort in food at times in my life that I was truly victimized.  Later in life as I continued to comfort through food I painted myself as the victim and lived a repeat cycle of achieving and then failing, achieving and then failing again.  The ups and downs of that emotional roller coaster became so normal to me that I began to look forward to the ups and would create the downs for myself not even realizing it was me who was doing so not the many others I swore were doing me so wrong. 


Now, mind you there were those who did me wrong unnecessarily, however, I chose those people in my life ignoring all the signs because I unknowingly wanted to be the victim again and again as it is all I knew.  And I think a part of me thought if I was really good to someone who would likely hurt me and they didn't because they saw the good in me than I would have some sort of worth.  The cycle of thinking we can change someone else to validate ourselves, many women do it in relationships by choosing the wrong partners repeatedly.

Last week I received an email from someone close to me with a lot of hurtful stuff in it.  It was an out of no where attack on me over some words on this blog that had nothing to do with how I felt about them.  Fears are powerful and can lead us to assume the worst and miss the best of things in life.  This persons fears run deep as did my own for many years.  Looking back over it all unfolding this weekend I see that now and wish I had picked up on what was happening sooner.  However, I am very proud and grateful I did pick up on what was happening much sooner than I would have in the past.  

At the beginning of this roller coaster all I saw was an email laying into me with years of insults and finger pointing some of which touched on some very hurtful memories of mine.  Instantly I went into defense mode and retorted with a tit for tat account of my own feelings over the years.  This escalated and I did what I do when attacked verbally and my person under fire.  I ate! I cried and I ate some more.  That was day one!

By day two I slowed down on the eating realizing I was only hurting myself and decided to use some of my tools I have acquired over the past 8 months.  I started with a tapping exercise, then much meditation and prayer.  I allowed myself to cry by consciously welcoming the feelings of pain in and letting them run their course.  Then I was able to see more clearly they were based in fear.  I self talked and reminded myself that I am loved.  

Then I went deeper and worked on healing those fears by standing up for myself in a more productive way on day three.  I peacefully drew the line in the sand for the first time in my life with this person.  In the past I have always made a dramatic exit from this persons life and other relationships that were similar.  Today I recognized that this person is also operating from fears and that to them those fears are real just like they used to be and almost were again to me.


Tom Lescher does weekly video's on YouTube that Rock!
I usually end up watching it half way through the week and realize he is so on point with what is going on with me.
I have grown very fond of his videos, you might want to check them out if you like Astrology Forecast as much as I do.

I remembered some of my favorite people who on this Journey have stuck in my mind saying things on the many documentaries and YouTube videos I subscribe to.  One being the Documentary "Love" where I learned that it is okay for paths to separate and us to go our own way.  That we can do so in love.  The second being Tom Lesher's Pele Report on YouTube.  In one of his reports he talked about recognizing that the anger and pain we are subjected to in life is actually our own anger and pain reflected back to us.  I also remembered learning that everyone in our life is a reflection of a part of our own personality and that the people who we have conflict with the most are the strongest reflection of a part of our own personality that needs tending to.

These pictures were taken with my phone so the quality
is not so great, my battery died to my camera, booooo!
I spent day three processing all of this, taking the time to heal while painting a mural on my Niece Kaili's wall.  When I paint I do so from love and this mural was especially important to me as it is on my niece's wall.  As my Sister painted the new pink colors on her walls I said... "paint with intent Sissy, intent to surround her in unconditional love so her room can be a magical place for her" I painted with the same intent as I began the mural on Sunday, as I projected out unconditional love and protection for my niece I also gave it to myself and did a lot of healing with those brush strokes.
















My Sister got her this really cool comforter set and I painted the mural to
match the comforters birds, flowers and trees. with adding
 some cute little critters that I know Kaili loves
By yesterday morning I woke up in a new space emotionally.  I had taken my power back and realized that I don't have to feel mad or sad or scared or even bad for my decision to let go of the pain and the relationship that has been the source of pain for me for many years.  I also recognized that I love this person very much and we have history.  By seeing all of this clearly I was able to peacefully speak my feelings and truth.  Stand up for myself and say here is where I draw the line, I love you and wish the same for you I wish for myself.  However, it is best for us both that we move forward on separate paths for now.  Maybe our paths will come together again and maybe they won't, either is okay.  Know that I wish you no harm and hold no resentments toward you, I have to love myself and you enough to recognize that this is not healthy for either of us.


This morning I received more emails, this time over the top by cutting and pasting every thing wrong I said during the tit and tat.  This is were I get really insightful into my own past.  I used to be the queen of text wars.  Any of my life long friends can attest to that, haha.  I used to get hung up on one thing said or done and that would be my focus and I would miss all the opportunities to move forward and heal together.  I also used to take that type of bait as a challenge to engage.  This morning I did not engage, I reinforced my position on loving myself and this person and again asked that we both move on and do our own work on healing our past pains and forgiving our own guilt over past events.  I explained in a few words why I cannot continue this and why for both of us we need to move on from this and closed it with a wish for healing for both of us.

My Sister weighed me this morning and I lost 1/2 a pound this weekend.  I would have most likely lost 3 to 5 had I stayed on my diet.  Good news is that I didn't gain any.  I did gain a lot of insight though into my triggers and saw the results of taking the time to accept the emotions that hurt to feel rather than trying to avoid them with justifications and more attacks.  I realized that by allowing myself to feel the painful stuff I can then heal it and it no longer has power over me.  I coached my team, I chose to bench defense and play a positive offence.  

Today I am good, whole and not in need of food to fill the void.  For that I feel proud and blessed.  

Here is my day 26 Challenge Showdown Video!


If you want to vote on my videos
and help me Win this Challenge!
Here is the link to my Challenge Channel 

You have to be logged into facebook to vote!  Below each video is a scale of numbers from 1 to 10 with 10 being the best.  You can vote once on each video.  You will need to refresh your browser between videos to get the vote strip of numbers to be visible again.  Thank you so much for your support and love through this Challenge.  These video's help me to overcome a lot of fears about my weight and improve my self image and ability to love myself unconditionally.  I really want to win and go to Hollywood for the make over but more so I want to win internally so weather I win the challenge or not just knowing I was brave enough to do this is enough for me in winning back my self confidence in life.

Have a most blessed day, I love you all from a place peace and knowing that all is as it needs to be at this time, we are growing, the world is changing and I am blessed to be here during this great time.

One Love
Lelania



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