Thursday, August 30, 2012

I think I'm really get'n it...

These little Angels will be in my heart and life always!

As I pack in preparation for my move this weekend to Sunny Santa Cruz, Ca. so many emotions swirl around inside of me over the memories faced and made during the past two months.  I spoke this morning on my "Making Friends" tab about many of the memories created with many new and true friends I made at this stop on the Journey.

Now I want to speak a little more on Gratitude, I realized this morning how truly powerful being gratitude is while facing our fears, pains and struggles.  Coming back to Sacramento was a few things for me.  While I was excited to be near my Sons, Beautiful Daughter in Laws, Grand Children and a few treasured friends I was also afraid.  Coming back here meant facing some memories in the not so distant past.  Facing the reasons I came to the place to leave it all behind in the first place.

Thank you Riviera for a great tow months, you will be thought of
with the fondness always!
Although I didn't want to come back here this is where my journey led me.  I had to trust my inner voice and follow the path I felt was my next move.  A day before I got One Love back from off the mountain friends in Santa Cruz offered me a temporary place on their land to park till I found a place I could afford there.  Having already found a new home I could afford through a friend who drove by and called me with a phone number I chose to continue on with my plans to move to Riviera Mobile Home and RV Park in Sacramento, Ca.

As bad as I wanted to stay in Santa Cruz I decided that I should trust myself and follow my instincts.  I also wanted to make sure if and when I did make Santa Cruz a stop on this Journey it was when I could afford to do so and not be an imposition on anyone doing so.  So I faced my fears of returning here and made the move.

At first I was pretty depressed.  The heat along with missing the river, the trees, the beach and all the beauty of some of the locations I have visited was enough to make anyone feel a little down, me especially.  On top of that was the memories of past.  A world and life I lived that was no longer a part of me, how much that past is not a part of me anymore I truly see today.

When I got here I still viewed that past with regrets and remorse for all that happened to me and all that I did to myself.  Over the past couple months however, I have been working diligently to learn the art of being gratitude.  Seeking the understanding of being thankful for it all, the good and the bad in life.  Through much writing, prayer, talks with Self and My Creator as well as getting to know Jesus a little better I discovered what it means to truly view life as it is intended to be seen, experiences and lessons all of them being gifts to challenge myself to live as a soul in a body rather than a body seeking soul.

I was blessed to spend time with my daughter of the heart Jessica
that time was such a blessing, I love you Jess and while I am leaving again
I take you with me in my heart to travel this Journey with me each step of the way!
I sat here laughing this morning as I looked back over it all and remembered how scary facing it again felt to me.  I find myself doing that quite often these days when it comes to my fears.  More and More I am learning that they only had power over me when I didn't have the strength to overcome them.

As I drive away from Sacramento I will be doing so in a much different way than when I left eight months ago.  When I left before it was either leave and learn to love myself or have no reason to be here or anywhere anymore.

My Heart, My First Born.  I am proud of you and so blessed
to be able to have you in my life today.  I love where we are
together and know only good can come between us now!
I love you baby, to the moon and back!
Today I will be leaving with gratitude for all the gifts my life in Sacramento gave me.  While there is good and bad memories here, today I see both as the gifts they were and are.

I raised my Sons here, so many years of wonderful memories, and a few of regret that I have now made my peace with for me and for my Sons.  These past two months have allowed us to mend our hearts together, to make amends to each other and begin again.  For that I am so thankful.  They have their Mother back, a new and improved model who is getting better every day!

My Baby Boy, Brandon you are a Mama's Boy no more!
I am so proud of you Son, we have both grown so much since
I left.  Blessed are we to have seen what we saw and learned
from it all.  I will see you again soon Son, till then I worry
about you no more.  You got this thing called life just like I do!
I have my Sons back, new and matured versions of the men I said goodbye to just eight months before.  So much has changed for them and for me.  We were able to celebrate those changes on this visit together.  I love you Semaj and Brandon, thank you for being my most magnificent Sons! I am so proud of you both!

My Boys!  I love you both so much!

Spending time with my Grandbabies was healing for me, I love you all so much and
Nani will be back soon and even sooner you get to come see me, until then Skype
everyday.  I am so blessed to have such beautiful little souls in my life and be in the
place I am in today to value and enjoy that on a new level, as a new me!
There was a part of me that was scared about coming back here because I made some really bad choices here and wasn't sure if I had grown enough to no longer repeat those behaviors or stay away from the people in my past who are the most toxic relationships for me in so many ways.

I was able to see how much I have changed in such a short time.  Even at my loneliest moments here I never even considered picking up the phone and making contact with any of those old people in my life.  There wasn't even a moment I thought about it and had to talk myself out of it.  The desire to have people in my life who don't care about me now that I do care about me is gone.

I am able today, to really say goodbye to the past here.  While I said goodbye eight months ago, this time it is different.  This time it is with joy and peace for what was.  Today I see it all differently.  I was singing in the shower this morning and my song was gratitude.  I am so thankful for all of it, all of the people and choices in my past.  I understand now what blessings it all was.  Honestly, I get it and that rocks.  All the things that hurt, the friends that turned out not to be friends, including myself who was my own worst enemy were stepping stones that brought me here.  Every pain and regret made me stronger, helped me to awaken to this amazing new woman that is emerging from within.  At this stop on the Journey I honestly forgave myself, my past and all others who I have shared pain with.  I truly let it go, now I can really move forward and do me!!

Shawntice, this visit was blessed by our coming back together, by your and
Brandon's growing commitment to each other and your son, my grandson.
I am so happy that we had some very special moments of our own to heal
and put the past behind us.  I love you honey, you in my heart are always
my most beautiful daughter.  I will see you soon in Santa Cruz, YEAH!
As the many layers of my false self are being stripped away my true self is beginning to shine.  I really
like this new self, this new woman.  If this is what finding yourself feels like I would encourage anyone out there reading this to go out in search of yourself too.  This is the most amazing feeling of release and peace I have ever lived.

Today I define me, today I rely on me for my opinion of me and I base that opinion on truth.  Living a true life of gratitude, love and joy.  My goals in life have grown from superficial temporary fixes to a life that sustains me, nourishes my soul.  I say again, it was me who had to make the choice to change and that choice was all that was needed.  This beautiful soul inside of me was there all along just waiting for her turn, patiently waiting till the day when I saw her.  I see her today, and that is all that matters now.

Lovelisha my beautiful and talented daughter I love you so much!
I am glad we had this time together on my Journey, I needed this
I am so proud of you for following your heart and chasing your dreams!
You are such a blessed soul, thank you for being my daughter!
I was driving in Faith yesterday, laughing and speaking to my spirit guides and guardian Angels.  I cried and laughed as I said to them... "Wow, you all must have been pretty annoyed with me at times, haha!"  With no care or concern for how I looked driving down the road talking to an empty car to the eyes around me I continued speaking to them and said... "thank you so much for waiting for me to wake up, thank you for standing beside me through it all.  Thank you for loving me when I didn't even love myself!"  That was a great car ride!

This new level of self acceptance I own is so invigorating for my soul.  I love me as is and now that I have gotten to that point I can change who I am and become who I was born to be.

I can recognize all my gifts and talents given to me by my Creator for purpose and not be ashamed to say "I deserve to succeed" "I deserve to excel in life".  Today I view my life with fondness, the good and the bad memories.  It's funny, the bad used to have so much power over me, I chose to let it and spent many days sad, bitter, jealous and a self made victim.  Today I am none of those things, today none of it has power over me, not the past nor the present nor the future is scary like it used to be to me.  Today I AM!

Spencer, I love you my friend, hard to believe we go
back 30 years now.  I am blessed to still have you in
my life.  Keep your head up baybee, you got this!
A BIG SHOUT OUT to my lifetime friends who I was so blessed to hang out with during this stop on the journey.  I love you all and am so grateful we are all on these paths of life changing, soul seeking changes.  I will see you all sooner than later I am sure.  Until then know I am thinking about you all each step I take.  Thank you for believing in me, thank you for your love and support!
K.K you already Know!  

Thank you Sacramento for our time together, through it all I grew!  Even when I didn't realize I was growing, especially then.  It feels so good to be moving on this time with no more resentments towards myself and others for my past.  I love myself and all of them with a new understanding for what we all go through and how we all hurt.  I can leave this time wishing all from my past the same I wish for myself, happiness, joy, peace and love!

I love you all from a place of understanding and gratitude.  I offer myself the same love I feel for all life today.  Thank you to my Creator for these most valuable experiences, today I know that I am blessed for it all.

One Love

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