Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Letting go of the Peanut~

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Nick Sarnicola speaking at San Jose ViSalus Regionals
This man rocks, thank you Nick for helping me in way that has just changed my future!
I learned the metaphor of being like the Spider Monkey this weekend listening to Nick Sarnicola, one of the founders of ViSalus who spoke at Regionals in San Jose this past weekend.  A metaphor used to show how so many of us will hold on to our beliefs even when they enslave us, keep us from opening up to new and limitless possibilities.

The Spider Monkey is an amazing little creature who is fast and hard to catch, always moving, always on the go.  His one weakness being peanuts, his speed and agility are no help to him in avoiding the simple traps set to catch him due to his inability to let go of the nut.  The trap is designed with a small opening that takes some work for the monkey to get his arm into to grab the nut.  After grasping the nut he can not pull his arm out through the small opening.  In order to gain his freedom he must release the nut.  He will hold on till captured rather than release it to gain his freedom.

I listened intently as Nick Sarnicola explained how our beliefs hold us back from success in many areas in life and one belief in particular hit me strong as it is one I battle with... The belief that money is the root of all evil.  My experiences in life have formed this belief so strongly that my aversion to money has grown so strongly it is a block for me in succeeding financially in life.


Most of my life has been spent struggling and hustling just to keep food on the table.  From too young of an age I have had to provide for myself and another in more ways than one. I can remember being teased and picked on as a child by the children who had money.  Growing up in Santa Cruz, Ca, one of the most expensive cities in America there were always little rich kids to pick on the children whose hippie parents flocked to Santa Cruz for the quality of life here.  Though there is a lot of money here since I can remember the going trend of even the rich here is a more naturalist way of life.  I still remember the feeling of being less than because my family did not have money for things like new clothes for the beginning of the school year.

I'm not a monkey...
I just played one in my reality!
The times in my life I have had money, and there have been times I have had plenty to build a future, however I was irresponsible with my money due to my deep seeded dislike of it and my beliefs that greed is born of money.  In those times I was overly generous with my money, sharing with all in my life, helping all who needed it only to discover when it ran out that most who were there during the prosperous times quickly exited stage left during my struggles.  This only reinforced my deep hate of money and the way so many value it and the superficial things gained from it that they act in loving committed ways when you have it and have no love for you at all when you don't.

At the beginning of this journey I had reached a place of harboring the strongest hate for money I have ever felt in my life.  Realizing that almost all of my relationships were built on my ability to provide for those in my life and being left to fend for myself during one of the hardest times of my life; the pregnancy of my daughter, when I became homeless and desolate while trying to do what to me was the right thing and carry this little life inside of me that was created on a day I begged my Creator for a new path.   Choosing adoption for my daughter was the biggest sacrifice of my life, the hardest and most selfless thing I have ever done, especially considering my level of codependency and need to be loved.  There is no love greater than that of a child.  Giving her  a better life was more than giving up the chance to raise my daughter for me, it was giving up the chance to have another 20 years of struggling for the sake of another, my greatest talent and curse repeatedly played out in my life for the sake of being needed, being loved.

The pain of going through the adoption process was the greatest I have ever felt once I left the hospital alone.  I felt pain as strong as I would have if I had lost her during delivery, adoption comes with a mourning process.  The natural order of things is disrupted.  A mother carries her child, goes through the un-matchable  pains of labor, takes her child to her bosom and then they go home together to begin their new lives.  In adoption that is disrupted and I was left with a feeling of pain like no other I have felt in my life.  I wanted her so badly.  But more than I wanted her for me, I wanted her to have a life, a good life, one at the time I could not provide.

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You mean I don't have to suffer for the sake of suffering?...
WHAT!
My story while heart wrenching is equally inspiring.  My courage to go through with the adoption process for her sake and now giving myself the opportunity to heal from that feeling of loss I can see so clearly how much alive and in my life she is.  My feelings of loss have changed to feelings of great gain for her and I both.  Her adoption being a little more open than the average open adoption is a big part of that.  I found the right match for us.  Fate led us to her Fathers who love us both, whom offer me unconditional love and see me as her mother always.  For them her having me in her life is essential for her emotional growth.  They love her so much that what is best for her is always their first priority.

Being a part of her life is so important to me.  For those 10 months I carried her it was mostly just her and I.  During the many moments of complete fear and despair for where I was and what I didn't have to be able to build a future for her and I there was great comfort in knowing it was her and I against the world.  I spent much of my pregnancy on my own, without a home and scared.  Seeing her growing up with the love and stability she has with her Fathers helps me in so many ways.  My desire to provide here with that same stability is strong.  I have a dream of the day she says "I want to go spend the night with Momma" and in that dream I have a house by the beach.  In that house she has her own room, decorated with all her favorite colors that is always there for her when she comes to see her Momma. Even greater of a dream for her is my desire for her to understand that she was always loved and wanted by me.  Being a mother she can be proud of is my driving force in changing my life.  I cannot let all the pain I felt and the courage I had in giving her more be in vain.  I have to build from that and create a life that continues to improve for her and my sake.

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So let me get this straight...
I deserve to experience the same success that I wish for others?
Is that right!
I have been given a genuine opportunity to excel and succeed financially.  The only thing that can stop me from doing so is my beliefs that I can't or that I won't because of my deep seeded hate of money.  I realized early on in this Journey that living off of my limited income was also limiting to my ability to progress in helping others.  I see now how that was a benefit to me in so many ways in my own growth in learning to love and value myself.  Having made so many changes in my values and beliefs I have still battled with this one belief... Money being the root of all evil.




My two loving friends and spirit guides Karen and Diane have both spent many hours trying to help me with this block of mine.  Both explaining that while money is an evil, it is a necessary evil.  Helping me to understand that what I do to get it and what I do with it is up to me.  I realize now that lesson being so hard to grasp was well intended for me not to fully understand till now.  I needed to learn what having gratitude for what I have means, truly means.  My emotional growth and love for myself has grown in abundance from learning to be joy in each moment, the hard ones especially.  Learning that there is no quick fix needed to feel secure has been a valuable lesson for me.

onelovejourney, onelovejourney2012, one love journey, one love journey 2012, suffer for the sake of suffering, believe in yourself, love yourself, think success, create your reality, dreams come true, believe in you
AHA!
Awakening is such freedom!
As Nick spoke, I listened and those words about money caught my attention and started a thought invoking, soul searching journey over the past few days that has brought me to this moment, a moment of "aha" where I think I finally get it, I understand that my belief is one that leads me to stay suffering for the sake of not taking part in the evil that to me is money.

Each morning since the event in San Jose I have meditated and asked for guidance in understanding all this.  Guidance I have been given in more ways than one.  Several examples have been presented to me which many would consider circumstantial.  I have come to know that there are no mistakes in life.  We get what we ask for, we create what we desire.  I desired to learn to let go of my belief by understanding it so that I could gain the freedom to believe I deserve to succeed financially and bring to reality that dream for Stella and I.  While I have told myself over and over again that what I do with the surplus I make is up to me and I can help so many with money I make that is beyond my needs I was still left with that empty feeling based on my beliefs that helping others would end in pain and again the realization that they were only there for that help.  I almost lost my hope for believing in others, trusting others during that the toughest time of my life.  The thought of going through that again is overpowering.

While I have experienced much joy and pride this weekend watching my Sister, my Nephew and his friends whom I love like family embark on their journey to financial success I have felt nothing but joy for them.  Yet for myself, I felt guilt.  Guilt for my future success.  I realized that I am holding on to that peanut that is keeping me imprisoned in my beliefs that financial success equates selling my soul to the evils of this world, haha.  I can't help but laugh when I say it, because it is dramatic if you look at it, as are most of the lies I have told myself over the years have been overly dramatic being a very emotional person.

I asked myself why it is that I can feel joy for them yet I am guilty?  I prayed on this and reached deep into the core of my beliefs regarding money and faced all my fears and beliefs one by one evaluating them.  Last night I stumbled upon a 23 minute video that turned on a light inside of me, illuminating all of the evidence to support my beliefs showing me how these beliefs are yet another form of my self punishment, a mirage of beliefs that keeps me paying myself back for what I don't even know.

This video speaks to my heart on the law of attraction and my responsibility in what I create in my life based on my beliefs.  The video comes from a group I have never heard of, the teachings of Abraham Hicks.  I have no knowledge of the beliefs of these teachings and fortunately I am at a place in life where I am open enough to take something from any and all belief systems and apply it in my own life where it applies without being hindered by my own beliefs that are ever growing ever changing.



I have been learning the power of positive and negative thoughts in my life.  I have changed so much in such a short time by letting go of so many cemented beliefs and being able to let go of this one is essential in my ability to create a future of my dreams.  I realized that my belief that I will be valued only for what I have if I have is only my belief and will create that reality if I hold onto that belief.  I realized that my belief that I am selling out to they system if I succeed is only my belief and again I will create that reality for myself if I hold onto that belief.  I also realized that I have grown, I am loving me today, trusting me today.  And I trust myself to make better judgements in life, to listen to my instincts.  I know that loving myself today means I am not needing to sacrifice to others for their love.  I have an abundance of people in my life who love me right now while I have nothing more to offer them than myself.  To continue to believe I don't deserve to succeed is a choice not the truth.  To continue to hold onto the belief that I cannot enjoy life due to the suffering of others is a choice as much as the suffering of others is their choice to believe as suffering.  What I mean by that is we all are suffering in some form, how we perceive that suffering is a choice.  We can choose to see the lessons in it, the character built in these times, choose to accept that we can change it by changing our beliefs.  Learning to be grateful for each part of our lives is key I am discovering.

For me to chose to continue my belief that helping others will lead me to a place of pain is a choice.  Back then my intent in helping others was based on my beliefs and my need to be loved.  Today I am so different, today I love me.  Today I understand and give without the expectation of receiving anything in return.  Today I don't have to make the same choices and today I realized why not me!  Why not me!  I deserve to succeed for the right reasons and deserve to chose a life full of joy a life where all my dreams come true.  I also realized something monumental watching that video.  My choice to create the reality of my dreams does not leave anyone out.  In fact my choosing to experience joy over self inflicted pain created by my beliefs helps the whole to do the same as by my developing beliefs we are all one, all connected.

This morning I woke up with a new attitude.  Today I choose to live my dreams guilt free in doing so.  Today I let go of the peanut and grasp my freedom to create a life with limitless possibilities.  Today I begin to succeed for me because I deserve to live a life of success in all areas, physically, spiritually, emotionally and financially.

onelovejourney, onelovejourney2012, one love journey, one love journey 2012, suffer for the sake of suffering, believe in yourself, love yourself, think success, create your reality, dreams come true, believe in you
I deserve to succeed!
WOW!
THAT ROCKS!

Thank you for letting me share this with you, I know this was a long one, there is no easy way for me to condense moments like this in my writings.  I am still learning the art of simplicity so thank you for sticking with me while I develop my craft of expression through writing.  I love you all from a place of awakening to my responsibility in creating the reality of my dreams.

One Love
Lelania



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