Wednesday, September 12, 2012

My Why! A Dedication to Stella~

Two songs that keep me singing my hearts strength and tell my hearts story and desires are "In The Sun" by Joseph Arthur and "Angel" by Jack Johnson.  In The Sun is a song I listened to every day for months at the beginning this Journey, it is a song I found on a CD my Mom made for me a few years ago that didn't listen to until January while I was doing yard sales and looking for a trailer so I could start a new life, begin changing Me for Me and for Stella.

The first time I heard this song I sobbed because I pictured myself laying on that floor in that hotel room under the sun praying for a new path, every word mirrored the path that led me to that moment I heard that song for the first time.  Every lyric, how I felt for her, for Stella.

Stella has been my driving force each step of this Journey.  On the days when I question myself, feel unsure, overwhelmed with the self doubt I have let stop me my whole life, I just look at her pictures.  I have two of them sitting on my desk  and she is making these faces in them that say "Momma, don't you dare give up!" to me.

Although I am not with you every day baby, you and I are together always!
I have shared a little about Stella with you on my "A Star Is Born" tab.  While I don't talk about her every day, there is not a day that goes by that she is not in my thoughts and heart.  If I shared that every day you would get really tired of seeing me cry, haha.  Not all the tears are bad, in fact none of them are.

Even the tears that fall from missing her, wishing her by my side are not bad because they are followed by the joyful tears of knowing she is living the most amazing life.  She is already speaking four different languages, she is traveling, has a daily routine that is full of unconditional love and above all she has the two most amazing Daddies in the world.  We, Stella and I couldn't be more blessed.

One day Momma won't need that wheelchair at all!
That we celebrate my little Angel!

Stella is my Why, even before Myself comes Her.  It can't be any other way for me because she saved my life!  At a time in my life where there was nothing left, no reason to believe in myself, my Rock Bottom came the beginning of a new era in my life, came Stella!

My Why!

I woke up this morning thinking about My Why, tears fell down my eyes as I played the song I listen to every day now in her honor and that is my second song "Angel" by Jack Johnson.  Stella is my Angel.  Stella is My Why!

There is going to come a day when she wants to come visit Momma.  On that day I want to have a stable home with her own room by the beach.  I have a vision of that home, it has a porch, sits surrounded by wild flowers.  I can see the sheer white curtains blowing in the salty ocean air, see the rays of sunshine dancing on the hardwood floors.  I can see Stella running down to the beach in front of me with her long dark curls swirling in the wind as she laughs and we run together, our feet splashing in the waves as they roll ashore.  That is my happy place, the place I go to for encouragement.  Providing the same stable, healthy environment for my daughter that her fathers have given her is my goal.  Being a Mother she can be proud of, is my hearts desire.  Her knowing that I never just gave her away, that I always wanted her, loved her and did what was best for her is my deepest wish.

Getting healthy for myself and my family is allowing me to be a more positive and active part of their lives and mine.  My Grandkids are cheering me on everyday on Skype I get to see their precious little faces reminding me how much they love and believe in me!  My Sons and I have grown closer due to these changes in me, they have grown their selves as well.  All that matters to me now is believing in us all to live a better life in a better world!
One People, One World, One Love!

This has been an emotionally moving morning for me, in the best way emotionally moving.  Each tear that falls from my eyes this morning drops into the sea that rolls up to the beach of that house I will have one day for her to come visit her Momma.

I am stepping my game up on this diet, in this business and going to succeed in reaching my dreams.  More than ever I love me, I believe in me to become this amazing new woman, better woman, inner me that was always there.  I asked myself last night why this diet is working for me where others failed?  I answered myself too, yes I do that, haha!  Call me crazy, I'm used to it, wink!!  The answer is... The Challenge and My Team.  I have never been on a diet that has so much support, I have so many people behind me, helping me to believe I can do this.  I also get to help them believe in themselves to do it.  We all get to do this together, it is like one big family working to better our lives, a get healthy movement that is so powerful I can't quit, how could I.  I excel in times of challenge, being able to start 90 day challenges is awesome, it's 3 months at a time with reachable goals I get to share with others and have their support in reaching.

Day 1 to Day 33 I lost 23 pounds, got out of my wheel chair and began walking more, living more.  This is just the beginning!

Today I really realized that this second half of my life is going to fricken ROCK!  Everything has changed for me and is continuing to change each and every day!  I want to say a special thank you to My Sister Tamar for never giving up on me, My Baby Daddies for being with me each step of the way and to my Vi-Salus family for your love and every moving support!  I love you all!

Thank you Stella for being my Why in every area of this Journey!  A better world and a better me all for you baby!

I love you all from a place of believing in myself  and you to change our lives.  From a place of no longer allowing fear to stop me from keeping it real and sharing truths like this with you.  I love you all for sticking by me on this Journey and helping me to realize this is real, this is what's up!

One Love

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