Friday, October 26, 2012

Commitment of Love~

I realized yesterday that I have been living in One Love for 10 months now. I made a commitment to myself to live in this trailer for one year.  A commitment to leave behind the life I knew and challenge myself to overcome all of my fears while I learned how to love myself.

One Love January 2012
Looking back I cannot believe it has been only 10 months, so much has happened, so much about me has changed.  Before this journey I held several fears or should I say that several fears held me; held me back from living.  I used to be afraid to be alone.  Not single, I got over that after a few bad marriages and relationships and realized that I would rather be alone and lonely than with someone and lonely.  I have been single for 5 years now.  What I mean when I say I had a fear of being alone is that I couldn't stand to be in the room with myself for long.  I had nothing to say to me, I didn't really like me so much.

I always picked up "strays" as a good friend of mine used to refer to the many people I let stay with me who needed a roof over their head.  I think I believed that if I helped many and kept many around me I could never be fully abandoned.  My fear of abandonment ran deep.  In bad relationships I would accept so much as long as they didn't leave me.

January 2012 My first yard sale when I began to let go of it all and move on to
a future that I had no idea would lead me here, to this awesome place of self
realization and love of self that has changed me forever for the better.
I was also afraid of the dark.  Night mares of my youth haunted me for years.  I used to wake up in sweats screaming and crying.  Another huge fear of mine was being vulnerable, having to ask for help from others.  I preferred to be the one doing the giving, that was my comfort zone as the control freak I was, smile.

When I began this journey I had no truck to tow One Love.  That was the beginning of me learning to give up control and reach out for help.  I managed to reach five different locations by asking for and accepting the help of others to tow me.  The sixth location is where I am now, Santa Cruz, Ca.  I was blessed with the love of a young man who reached out and said you earned the right to tow yourself and helped me with a truck.  I was able to tow One Love to Santa Cruz (my hometown) myself.  That was a great drive.

February 2012 Painting One Love
I realized that yesterday that for the first time in my life I made a commitment to myself and kept it!  I know what it means today to love myself, I know what it means to have the courage to overcome my fears with love.  What is most amazing to me is the amount of growth and change that can happen in us when we begin to overcome our fears.  Fears are so powerful, so crippling.  I let my fears hold me back for all of my life.  I never thought of myself as living in fear, most who knew me would tell you I was always a dare devil, but even that was driven by my fears of being a coward.  I learned on this journey how mistaken we are in our views of courage and cowardliness.  It takes courage to love in the face of hate, it takes courage to stay positive in the face of negativity.

July 2012 I was given the gift of mobility by a kind soul who gifted me this electric
wheelchair so I could get around better than my manual chair, just a few months
later I gave myself the gift of walking by Challenging myself to get physically healthy
now that I had begun to love me, I wanted more for me, more for my life.
I also realized that this journey is inside of me, it doesn't matter where I am, how far I travel geographically, it matters where I travel within me.  I had dreams in the beginning of traveling the Country and changing the world.  I learned along the way that changing me is my contribution to changing my world around me and it expands from there.  Love spreads, love grows and is so much more powerful than any fear or amount of hate.  It is our own personal journey's that matter, healing ourselves and overcoming our fears through love.

This morning the voting closes on the Challenge Showdown and the top 10 finalist will be announced on stage in St. Louis.  I am so blessed to be going to St. Louis to be a part of all this.  Even more so I am blessed to have had this experience.  Weather I win or lose my journey and Challenge continues and I am better and stronger for the experience of it all.  I realized that so many believe in me, so may are inspired by me the way I am inspired by them.  I have received so much love and support that has lifted me up.  I am part of a team, team TTO.  A team of the most amazing and driven people I have ever known who keep me lifted up daily.  Thank you to Team Take Over for all your love and support.

I am so happy for you Brandon, and so very proud of you. 
Yesterday was one of the proudest days of this new life transformation for me, my youngest son Brandon joined the Challenge, he saved his own money and made his own commitment to change his health and life.  Today I begin my second 90 Day Challenge with my son beginning first 90 Day Challenge.  I am so happy for him.  We both went shopping yesterday and I left the dressing room happy for the first time in years.  I have gone from a size 28 to a size 22 and found 2 pairs of jeans that fit me; I haven't worn jeans in years, haha.  I am really proud of me today.

Size 22 Woot Woot! Hahaha
There has been many times in my life I have had very little and known much struggle; in fact most of my life.  When I began this journey I wanted to learn to be happy with less and even though I have known what having less is like I spent those times of less in my life focused on having more and missing the happiness all around me because I felt like success in life was in the achieving security from things. I was driven to secure things for others rather than myself and never did any of what I did for me, except for them all to love me.

Today I know the success of life is inner joy and love of self.  Realizing that I have been walking this humbler path, some times running out of water and propane, food and supplies and still feeling nothing but gratitude for the experience and coming to the realization that now I deserve to succeed in all areas of my life, for me has brought me to the happy place of knowing when I have a home again I will truly appreciate it as just that, my home.  I make me a success, not the things I acquire or own.

I also realized that we all have the same opportunities in life, each and every single one of us.  And we each decide what we want out of life, what we want to experience.  Everything in our life we attract to us through our beliefs and thoughts.  Today I think happy thoughts and choose to experience all the great things in life.  This whole journey has been a Challenge for me and a great one it has been.  I am so thankful that I found this amazing woman inside of me who now knows that she deserves all the happiness and success in life she can imagine.

Today is a great day, I feel happy and healthy, I feel loved.  I love you all from a place of understanding what this all means and wish for you to find that inner amazing person you are too.  I love you from a place of gratitude for all the support along the way and the lessons learned.

One Love
Pin It

No comments:

Post a Comment