Thursday, November 8, 2012

Be nice to fat people...

We suffer enough already!

As I sit here getting ready for surgery my little sister calls and asks how I am doing and if I am ready.  I told her I was doing my makeup and she giggled.  So I asked "do you wear make up for surgery?"  She said "no, why would I?".

I said "because doctors treat good looking people better".

She asked me if I was scared about the surgery because I am overweight.  I said that I am not scared of the surgery, in fact I haven't been scared about it once.  I have, however, been putting it off for years for a different fear and tears began to fall as I explained that fear to her.  This may sound silly, but my fear has been that if something were to go wrong while I am under that they may not try as hard to revive me because I am fat.  She understood that fear and didn't laugh at me.  She knows that over the years I have grown scared of visiting the doctor because a lot of them have treated me with little care due to my weight.  Honestly, some of them have been down right mean to me until I win them over with my personality and then they become a little nicer.

When I had major knee surgery in 1995 I was relieved that they were not putting me under so I could be awake during the surgery to make sure they treated me nicely.  I have worked so hard to overcome my dislike of myself and know I have come so far.  I just realized though that some of the pain of living a life of obesity is still there as cry writing this entry.

My sister asked me if she could post something on Facebook about this and I said absolutely not and told her I don't want to make a big deal out of this.  Then I sat here after we got off the phone and thought about that for a few moments while crying.  I remembered all the times I left doctors offices in tears over the years and decided to write this entry right now while I am feeling this to help others like me who feel the same and maybe raise some awareness to others out there who look at those of us who live trapped in these layers of fat for years as more than lazy or fat.  So many people think we are just lazy, even doctors treat us that way.  I wish more people in the medical association realized the torment we go through and how hopeless we feel most of the time to change it.  Being told to have will power or get off the couch and exercise is not gonna help most of us, actually it just reminds us how pathetic we already feel.

Obese people aren't lazy we are hopeless, we have no hope most of the time.  No believe that we have the power to change it.  We tell ourselves stories about how we are okay with being obese but we never really are, we make fun of ourselves so that others can't.  The truth is we are just like you, we have feelings, insecurities and pains.  We just wear those around our waist line, we sedate with food to comfort the pain.

I am grateful that I am at a place in my life today to face this and have this surgery.  Loving me has given me this courage.  Gaining hope for a healthier life has given me a desire to get the medical treatments I need to help me along the way like having my gall bladder removed today.  Next I will have my knees replaced and honestly don't want to be awake this time, that wasn't much fun.

I have a really nice surgeon who didn't treat me badly and I feel better about that.  It is okay that this fear surfaced right now because I get to face it and share it here.  I want to say to all my obese friends in the world that I love you, and I know about fear and pain too.  I know it hurts when people treat us badly because we are fat.  We have a lot of power to change that while changing ourselves by being honest about it.  We don't have to hide our feelings, deny our fears.

I'm still going into surgery with make up on, haha.  I just feel better about it knowing I look better.  Thank you for letting me share this with you all today.  I really want to help others overcome their fears the way I am learning to by saying them out loud, we can take the power away from fear by speaking on it.

I love you all from a place of gratitude that I am at a place in life to face my fears and have so much love and support in doing so.

One Love
Lelania
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