Thursday, December 27, 2012

2012

As 2012 comes to an end I am sitting here so proud of myself for sticking to my resolution to start a whole new life, take a whole new path.  I committed to leaving it all behind, to letting go of all the toxic relationships in my life, to learning to overcome all my fears one by one, to trying new things and being open minded to learning with the realization that my best thinking had gotten me to where I was.

Last December I sat alone in my living room after coming home from a Christmas visit with my Sister.  I sat there crying, disgusted with being hurt by the last person, the straw that broke the camels back.  My friend of years had stolen out of my house while I was gone.  I was so crushed to discover than one more person I loved and trusted had taken advantage of me and really had no hope left.

While I was at my Sisters I had shared with her that I started using drugs again a few months earlier.  She asked me a question that I didn't have the answer to until I got home to find my house stolen from by one of the people I was getting high with.  She asked me... "Jo I understand you use drugs to hurt yourself when you hate yourself or are hurting but what are you going to do when you get like Mom and need them?"  I sat there crying and replied... "I don't know Sis!"

My friend of several years who I had left the keys to my house to look after things gave me my answer.  I was going to lie to and steal from the people I love if I got to the point where I needed the drugs.  My friend did me the biggest favor by stealing from me.  Till this day I love her and thank her for waking me up to who I was headed to becoming.

Proud to be here! Proud to be me!
I have over a year clean now.  I am so proud of that.  I stuck to that and honestly that wasn't even the hard part.  The hard part was the promise I made to myself to learn to love myself so that I had a reason to be here.  I took a more drastic route than most do, I literally left my friends, family and life behind me and moved into a little travel trailer with no truck to tow myself and did it moving.  Most everyone thought I was crazy.  A couple people got it and supported me each step of the way in the beginning.  Today we laugh together about it all, we cry together about it all and they remind me still of how powerful I am in creating the life of my dreams.  They never stopped believing in me, they understood the pain I was feeling and the reasons I had to leave when I did.




Here I sit, loving me today.  I am literally in tears writing this entry.  I am so proud of myself for how much I have learned, healed and accomplished in 2012.  I am so proud that this year I did it all for me, for me and for Stella.  She and I deserve this stronger, better me who now knows just how precious life is.  I will always remember 2012 as the year I turned it all around.  The beginning of "MY LIFE".  The beginning of living life for me on my terms.

Aside from learning what loving me is all about, I did some things that no one thought I would, I lived alone for about a year, never before have I done that.  I learned how to say "NO" to others.  I learned how to give myself permission to walk away from negative people who do not serve my growth.  Learned how to live drama free.  Learned about my responsibility for what I get in life.  Built a relationship with my Creator and myself.  I gained the trust and respect back from my family and friends.  I quit drinking soda (this is huge, haha).  I lost 85 pounds, got out of my wheelchair, joined the gym just recently and started my own legitimate business.

What Matters Most
In Challenging myself is what is happening inside of me.  My outer appearance is a side affect of believing in myself!
The best rewards of challenging myself are living a fuller, longer healthier and happier life!
I lost 85 lbs in 2012 I gained mobility, health and self confidence!

Looking back over 2012 I am realizing that I can do anything I set my mind to and more determined than ever to make 2013 even more successful.  I have a whole new set of goals for 2013.  I will continue to build on loving myself, trusting myself, being impeccable with my word, expanding my spirituality, challenging my fears and self doubt, challenging myself physically with a goal losing another 145 pounds by the end of 2013.

Today I can do things like go bowling with my little sister.  Today I live life!
I know now that I can set goals and reach them, I understand that change takes repeated effort, nothing happens over night except for one thing.... Once we make the choice to change everything changes instantly.  Where there was no hope, hope is born.  Where there was no faith, faith is born.  Where there was no drive, drive is born.  Where there was no life, life begins.








The toughest part is making the choice, really making the choice to change.  Anyone can wake up any day and decide to be better to themselves, decide to have a better life.  It takes work, but come on now lets keep it real.. The real hard work is living life in a self created prison.  Break free and make 2013 your year that it all changed, do it for you and I promise you that you too will look back in a year and with tears in your eyes say to yourself like I am today... "I did it!"

Owning my power took looking within, taking responsibility for all that is and has been.
I learned that seeking to be loved is a waste of time if there is no love of ones self inside.
I did it for me this time~

I love you all from a place of gratitude for all who helped me along the way, for gratitude for myself sticking to my guns and doing the damn thing and the biggest gratitude goes to my Creator for giving me this new path to walk.

One Love,
Lelania

Today I sing this song to myself!  I was my own worst enemy for a long, long time.

That is over now and today I am my own best friend, I am a brand new me!

Alicia Keys you Friggen Rock, I love you!


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