Sunday, December 23, 2012

I punched fear right in the face...

Yesterday I punched fear right in the face.  It was more of a TKO than a knock out though, haha.

Get'n My Gym Membership On, Wooot Woot
I joined 24 Hour fitness, you may be thinking that I am this strong woman after all I have faced this year and kept pushing.  Well, let me tell you that fear is always there, always ready to rear its ugly head up and try to stop me dead in my tracks.  I think that is the whole point, at least I am realizing how important facing my fears head on is after doing so all year.

I woke up at dark thirty, as usual.  I was to emotionally upset to write on my blog so I wrote in my behind the scenes book.  There are lots of stuff that happens to write it all here and some of it is just sensitive to all parties involved when it goes down.  I journal it all and the rest will be in my second book one day.  I was scared yesterday morning, scared to go to a public gym.




I Got This!
This is a similar fear as the one I had of getting surgery, going to doctors.  Gym's are really scary to me because I fear being judged by others.  A fear many of us suffer from, one that hinders us doing things that are good for us.  Crying I pulled up to my Sisters to drop off Marley, she rubbed my head and held me for a minute telling me she understood and that she was so proud of me.  I got in my truck and made the drive into town, crying most of the way.  Pulled up to the gym sat there, than turned my truck back on and drove back up the hill toward my Sisters, not only crying but really pissed at myself and life in general.

I turned back around and went back.  I sat in the parking lot for about 15 minutes just crying looking a hot mess, hair in a bun, no make up on and eyes all puffy from all the crying.  I thought to myself, I can't go in there looking like this.  I sat there looking in the rear view mirror and asked myself a question...

"Self, are you really going out like this, are you going to let this fear stop you?"
"I'm scared!" Self replied
"Good, it's okay to be scared" Self reassured me




Looking at this picture and remembering
Christmas 2011 when I was over 420 lbs
I am shocked at the difference.  I can only
imagine how I will feel next year!
I wiped the tears off my face, grabbed my bag and went inside.  The lady at the counter was new, she was really nice and showed me around the gym.  I asked her if there were private dressing areas in the locker rooms and almost walked right out of there when I realized that there is none.  But she was so nice and I told myself that I had to do this, that I could do this.

We took the full tour, than sat down to discuss prices and I picked a plan and handed over my credit card.  Once the transaction was done I went up to the front counter and picked out a lock.  They have these cool word combo locks so you don't need keys.  I picked a word that would remind me that I am a woman of strength and courage.  Then I headed out the door.  I cried some more on the way back to my RV that I have yet to name, haha.














The tears on the way home were tears of relief.  I realized that I had pushed past another fear.  The hardest part was walking in there.  This is usually where I would self sabotage.  Where I would quit and say that I don't want other people looking at me all sideways and let that be a reason to give up.  There is also another thing I have been battling, my fear of failure/success.  With everything in my life going so amazingly well I have this constant nagging fear trying to remind me I don't deserve all this, that life long self doubt thing that says... "mess it up before it gets messed up".




Be your own Coach!

I am wearing a studded whistle around my neck these days to remind myself that I am the coach of my team.  My emotions are my players in the game of life and today I decide which emotions to put in the game and which ones to bench.  I am the only one responsible for my feelings, I choose them wisely today.



This is the furthest I have ever pushed myself.  I am so proud I got out of my truck and walked in there.  For obese people working out in a public gym can be so intimidating.  I am going to push past this fear and make this Challenge my best yet.  I started a new 90 Day Challenge yesterday.  I will be done the opening day of Nationals on March 22nd in LA.











When it's all said and done I will look back and say...
I got back up every time I fell!  I NEVER QUIT!
I am Challenging myself to "Go Hard".  Upping my level of exercise now that I can walk better.  The exercise bikes are upstairs, just over 4 months ago I wouldn't have even been able to walk up those stairs to use the equipment up there.  When the nice lady behind the counter was giving me the tour and I saw the stairs I chuckled to myself and thought... "You got this self, you can do those stairs now".  I remembered how it felt making it to the top of the stairs in Capitola, Ca.  I realized that working out in the gym is like climbing those stairs.  I will do this and when all is said and done I will look back and be able to say.... I got back up every time I fell, I NEVER QUIT!


Bowling for the first time after over 20 years, this is a great accomplishment for me!
I reminded myself of how just the day before I was able to go bowling with my little sis and nephew.  I haven't bowled in 20 years or more.  It was so cool to even be invited.  My sis had stopped inviting me to places that she knew I couldn't go.  I think it hurt her to ask or she worried about it hurting me.  Today that is a non-issue and I am loving that.  Bowling and playing in the arcade seriously rocked.  I thought about how blessed I am to be able to do these things now and reminded myself of the reason of that..  The reason is because I have not quit, have not stopped challenging my fears.




I bowled an 88, I even guttered a couple just to show my nephew that it is okay
to miss the pins as long as you still roll the ball!
When we face our fears we realize they have false power, they are such wimps, haha.  Today is my first day to go work out and I am not crying today.  Not scared like I was yesterday.  I punched fear in the face yesterday and today I am excited.  Just a day later and that HUGE fear is not so big of a deal anymore.  That is how powerful facing fears is, it takes all fears power away.









Blessed to be able to stand for more than a few minutes these days, I can play!
Aside from all the fear stuff yesterday I had some really emotionally draining issues arise.  Dealing with others fears, disappointments and saying goodbye to Marley.  He went to his new home yesterday. Kevin and LG came and picked him up, they brought their dog Thor with them and Marley and him hit it off right away.  Saying goodbye was hard but they made it so much easier.  I slept alone last night and missed him.








Kevin and LG thank you so much for keeping Marley for me while I go out
and conquer my world, haha I love you guys!
When I woke up this morning he wasn't here and I miss him.  We have had this routine for almost a year now.  I also can go work out and not worry about leaving him alone.  He needs this, deserves to have attention and time and I am doing so much these days.  I am so blessed to have found a temporary home.  One day I will buy my house on the beach, decorate Stella's room and Marley and her will run on the beach while me and my Baby Daddies drink Ice tea and make a toast to all this.






Speaking of Stella, I get to see her on the 26th.  At her house, I can walk the three flights of stairs up to her home now.  I cannot tell you how proud I am of that.  I can't wait to see her and play with her in her own room.

I love you all from a place of celebration for facing all my fears and know that I will keep doing so no matter what.  I have a Why that makes me cry!

One Love
Lelania
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