Friday, January 4, 2013

The thing that sucks....

                                                                ...about the parting of paths with friends is that no matter who was wrong or wronged it still hurts for all parties involved.

This is the place in the past where I would normally apologize for the sake of the argument because it hurts to lose friends, it sucks all the way around.  Friendships are relationships.  We are all right and all wrong at the same time when things go bad in our relationships.  Honestly I don't know if we can see things clearly at the time with all the defenses we put up in defending our positions and ourselves, mainly our own self image.

The key in moving on is to do so with love and forgiveness for us both.  For me I have come to a place in my life where I now love myself enough to know when it is time to move on even if it hurts to do so. I want people in my life I can trust and who trust me, relationships built on mutual respect and trust with the knowing that disagreements won't lead to any lines being crossed, intentional attempts to hurt each other more.  I want relationships that work through things good and bad.

A light illuminates within our soul; what was dark becomes light when we realize our own responsibility in creating the life of our dreams.  What was once circumstance & misfortune becomes unmistakable opportunity.  ~Lelania

I am at a place in life of loving myself enough to learn to let go of relationships that I cannot trust, honesty is so important for relationships to mend, and crossing certain lines in a fall out can cut deep wounds that sometimes are not meant to heal together.  This is usually the place where I would apologize for the sake of fear in losing someone no matter what happened.  I am blessed to know that it is okay to part paths without the need to blame, forgive without the need to place myself in the line of fire again.

At the same time I can easily look back these days and see in myself where I myself could have handled things differently.  So forgiveness is needed for both me and them in my heart.  I think many times we walk away from relationships only thinking we need to forgive them as we were so right in our own minds.  We easily forget that even if that is the case we ourselves are and have been wrong in life plenty and if we never were forgiven for that we might be very alone at this point in life.

I recognize that regardless of who is right or wrong that there is a void, an empty space that was filled before the shift friends to no longer friends occurred.  That empty space hurts.  I also know it hurts us both.  I used to use anger to fuel me and help me to move on from relationships when they ended.  I can't do that today.  Not and truly love myself because loving ourselves doesn't allow us to continue to be mad or feel hate towards others when the immediate threat of more pain is gone unless we are avoiding our own wrong in it all.  We need to continue to place blame and are fueled by hate when we do that, when we avoid our own wrong in any of it.

The past couple days for me have been filled with so many emotions, so much confusion in some moments and drive to move on in others.  There has been bad and good to come of this ending of a relationship that I valued.  Through it all there was the empty space in my heart, that feeling of regret for what was and could have been had this all just not happened.

I spent last night asking myself what I could have done differently.  Soul searching for the areas I was wrong so I can learn from those mistakes and not repeat them.  I also need to forgive myself for being wrong and being wronged.  I don't want to carry this pain but even more so do not want to carry anger toward someone I loved and called friend.

"May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back.  May the sun shine warm upon your face and teh rain fall softly on your fields." And until we meet again, may God hold you in the hollow of his hand." ~ Goodbye Quotes by Irish Blessing


I reminded myself that we are One.  That we are both walking our paths and both learning as we go and spent some time talking to myself and to my Creator seeking peace for us both.  I asked that both our hearts mend and we both learn from this.

I woke up this morning feeling a little lighter and less burdened but found myself feeling sadder for the loss of a friendship in my life.  I remind myself this morning that this sad feeling is part of the healing process and it is better to be here at this sad feeling than still fueled by anger or resentments over what happened.  I reminded myself that this is growing and moving on.

Today I feel free of anger and that is a great feeling, even if it is replaced by regret and loss.  I recognize that all these feelings are valuable and part of the experience.  I believe we need to experience all things, be present in them and try to find the value in all of it.  I used to avoid these feelings and moving on was harder to do, took me down a path of a lot of self destructive behaviors in an attempt to feel better.

Now I just wish for my friend and myself to find our ways in peace, love and forgiveness for ourselves and each other.  I have learned that Our paths do not need to mirror each other in life, it is okay for paths to come together and to part and everything has it's time and reason behind it even if the picture is not clear.  I don't really care so much who was right and who was wronged.  It really isn't what matters most.  What matters most for me is what I can learn from this, what I can take away from it and healing that empty space with knowing it is okay and this is just part of the journey.

With no need to question, no need to know the answers I accept the truth within
that I Am connected always~ Lelania
My dear friend in Hawaii and I were on the phone the other morning and she said "I am so glad we are reconnected" and I replied "we never were disconnected, we just needed to walk alone for a while so we could fall on our own faces and learn the lessons life needed us to learn, if we had been there for each other in those times we never would have let each other fall, we don't have it in us to watch each other fall on our faces, we would have tried to save each other from the pain and needed to feel it to pick ourselves back up and get it right this time."  We both laughed and knew it was true.

I love you all from a place of knowing that love is not earned or lost, given or taken away.  Love is!  I love my friend still and love myself enough to know that while we are not friends in this world our true selves are one with our creator in the other.  Right now we just need to walk our paths and learn our own lessons while finding our own way.  In that I forgive myself and her and pray for us both.

One Love
Lelania


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