Saturday, February 9, 2013

I love you Daddy

I was driving home when I got the call from Tamar Daddy, she told me that you were no longer with us and I sat in bumper to bumper traffic while we both cried together.  We both miss you and wish we could have said goodbye.

I cried so many tears last night and I laughed as I heard the sound of your laughter and your voice telling me it is going to be okay, I love you Lelania, I am home.  My dreams were full of you last night, memories poured into my sleep as if to remind me that they are always there, always available to comfort me.

I fell asleep with regret for not being able to say Goodbye Daddy.  I awoke with the comfort of knowing I will say hello again one day and until that day we are together in my heart, we are one still and you are embraced in the arms of your Creator, held in light, energy and love.

Today I remind myself of how precious life is, today I make this promise to myself to live honoring you, never using my pain of losing you as an excuse to give up.  I know you would want it no other way.  I know you are proud of me Daddy, proud of all these changes I have made in my life.  I promise to continue on growing and changing, with my heart full of Love, my eyes ever amazed at the beauty that surrounds us always.  I promise to live with gratitude for it all, the good and the bad and keep my head held high living in honor of your memory not in regret.  I know you would have it no other way.

I remember you driving your Grandkids around Santa Cruz when you came down for Tamar's wedding, do you remember Daddy you blew out the speakers in Sissy's Jeep being cool for your Grandkids.  I remember you calling me to tell me you bought the boys some Bling for their ears, I can still hear us both laughing when I asked you how you knew what bling was.  I remember when you caught that sting ray when we went fishing.  I am laughing right now with tears streaming down my face as I hear you saying to me "it taste like chicken" and me telling you I'll take chicken then.

I remember the day I stepped off the plane, I was 18 I had looked for you for three years, I wanted to know who you were so bad.  We had a rocky road didn't we Daddy, but we never let it get between us for long did we.  I taught you equality and acceptance of all races, you taught me the grace of Gods unconditional love.  We both gave each other something so valuable in life.  You also taught me how to Texas Two Step, and I just hated country music but I loved dancing that Texas Two Step with my Father, so that Texas Two Step really rocked.  I wish I could dance with you right now.

I want to dedicate this song to you Daddy, I really wish I could do that Texas Two Step with you again.

You were the only Man who could ever lead me in a dance.  With you somehow I didn't need to be in control, you were my Daddy.  I miss you Daddy.

This is Tamar's favorite song for you Daddy, she always thinks of you when she hears it.  Do you remember dancing with her at her wedding to this song...

I can hear your voice saying I love you Lelania, I can hear your voice right now.  I love you so much Daddy.

Do you remember when you took me on my driving test to get my first license?  I was so proud that day, remember the first day you let me take the car to my job at Krogers that was a great day Dad.  I miss your laugh.

I am strong now Daddy, and I love myself as much as you love me.  I am following my heart now Daddy.  I value life and my relationship with Our Creator above all else now Daddy.  I know you are with our Creator, you are whole, you are warm, you are love.  I know you are not gone from us, you are in us, of us always.  Even with this knowing I still feel this pain in my heart.  I understand with time this will heal and one day I will be with you again.  Until then could you just remind me that you are with me always every now and then.

This morning I am listening to this song Daddy, and I won't stop this train.  I promise to live life a little more today than yesterday and never forget how valuable it all is.

I want to embrace every part of life and live it all with love in my heart, I will stay true to who I am Daddy and never give up I know you would want it no other way.  My choices are fueled with love today Daddy, no longer with pain or regret, resentments or fear.  Today I move through life with my arms wide open accepting all life has to offer with gratitude and know you are with me each moment.  I love you Daddy.

I promise your grandkids and great grandbabies will remember you.  I will tell them stories of you, we will laugh with you, cry with you and always remember you are with us in our hearts.  

Until I come home too, I know you are still with me.  I will rejoice every day that you are home, whole and in the arms of Love.  I think maybe I didn't get to say goodbye because there is not goodbye, there is no end, there is no true loss only change and I embrace change, even this one.  I will feel all these feelings, never avoiding one of them so that I can honor your life and mine too.  I know you would want it no other way Daddy.

I love you Daddy.

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