Tuesday, March 19, 2013

A Train Ride

Monday March 18th, 7:00pm

It is really hitting me right now, I am doing this!  The past few weeks have been so busy with preparing for this trip, getting everything organized, trailer in storage, plans made that I have been on auto pilot in many ways.  Today, now here on the train with this awesomely exciting chapter of my journey ahead of me I am really feeling it, totally getting hit with the realization that I am doing this.  I won't be back to California for a long, long time.

My intentions when I set out on this journey were to travel the Country in One Love.  Those of you who have followed the Journey know I made it to several different locations in One Love before donating her to a couple of awesome kids who needed a home.  Those kids have moved on now and donated her to another who needed a home.  All those locations were in California, I never made it out of the state as planned.

Leaving California on a great adventure to change many lives rocks!
As I look outside the window of the train at the Central Valley of California all kinds of memories of this past year run through my mind.  Stockton was stop three on my Journey.  I made some life time connections there that to this day stay in touch and have affected my life in such positive ways.

I did a lot of work and soul searching there.  In fact all of 2012 was work, working on breaking myself down so that I could sit here today and rebuild myself and my life.  When I began this journey I was a shell of the woman I am today.  Today I am confident & bold.  Today I am graceful and secure.  I realize now that I had to get to a place of such weakness to grow so strong.

I wonder if the guy next to me can tell I am crying right now?  Good tears, great memories of challenges and triumphs.  I can still remember the first day I began pulling all my stuff out into the front lawn of my house and started letting go of "things".  The day I realized that everything I believed in was wrong.  That was the day I made the decision to "Just Go".  I had no idea where I was going, what I was going to find, I thought I was going out into the world to change it, I had been hurt to many times and thought I was a victim.  Believed I had to change the world so I didn't get hurt again.   Along the way I learned that all I needed to do was to change me and the world around me began to change with me.  I thought I would find me, along the way I learned I was never lost, I was only telling a story I had outgrown.  I came to understand that I was never a victim of the world, I was a victim of my own thinking and beliefs.  I chose that path, chose it all and it wasn't until I gained that understanding that I was able to choose differently.

Today I sit here knowing there is no such thing as a wrong path.  It is all part of our path.  The good and the bad times, all part of the journey and all of it serves us; shapes who we are.  Sure there are times we feel as if we have strayed off of our path.  Things get so bad that we can feel certain we have taken a wrong turn.  Looking back, all those wrong turns added up to one big right turn.  Had I not walked that path I would not be walking this one now.  It is all connected, all part of this life's journey and I regret none of it, I remember it all with pride and gratitude for what it gave me, who it made me.  It is my path.

This is a good time to leave California and do what I set out to do in the beginning.  I wasn't ready then, I needed to do some work: a whole lot of work on me.  I remember the first time I threw stones into the Delta that I am now riding away from , the farm land I am passing right now reminds me of the corn fields blowing in the wind at Tiki Lagun where I first met Mr. Marley who shared most of the first year of this Journey with me, oh how I miss that little guy.  He is doing great by the way, in the loving home of Kevin, Liz and LG.  Playing with other doggies, enjoying his new family and driving them crazy at the same time, haha.  They are amazing and such a blessing to Mr. Marley and me Both.  Love you guys so much.

I didn't expect to be this emotional, kind of like the day I emptied that basket of stones into the Delta.  I didn't realize until I opened the door to One Love and began to make my way up the levy to the docks that this was so much more than an exercise, I was letting go of pain, anger, resentments, regrets, guilt and more that I carried on my heart for so many years.  I walked pushing my wheelchair with my basket full of dancing stones as I crossed the park.  I remember having the realization of how resistant I was to let go of those 21 things on my list I had been carrying all those years.  I think we hold onto those things because it is what we know and the unknown is scary.  Crazy really because letting go is such freedom, letting go of the past allows us to live now, experience now, create now.  Old emotions hold us back from life, they shut doors all around us and build walls of false protection and we miss so much in the name of protecting ourselves from feeling pain again.

Truly celebrating life today, so excited about all that is happening and ready
to find out what the rest of the world lives like, haha
Today I am free of those pains and excited about life, anxious to explore.  The more I free myself of "things" and lighten the load I carry the more I realize how little we really need to be happy.  Joy is in us, not in those things we surround ourselves with.  I think if everyone lost everything they would discover how happy they can truly be and then when we gain things we can appreciate that they are things and enjoy them for what they are rather than cling to them as if they give us security, status or something to be proud of.  True pride comes in being full, complete and whole without things.

So I am sitting next to this guy named Jason.  Jason is way cool, he lives about an hour from where I am traveling to stay with Lisa.  Jason lives in a co-op with about thirty others who share beliefs of living a more organic simple life.  The irony that my first new friend on this trip should share my love of learning to make less of a footprint on our Mother Earth and know so much about organic/toxic free living is evidence to me that we are waking up all over the world.  Many of us are becoming aware of our own responsibility in creating change and beginning to understand we have the power to make things better for us all, that totally rocks.

I love that I can meet people so easily and open up to them and they me making connections and learning more about others in the world.  Too cool.  Jason and I exchanged numbers and want to hook up in Kansas to share more about our ideas for a new world, I am fascinated by co-op living and hope to meet his room mates.  I think that would be an awesome experience for Lisa and myself.

Stella, so much has happened in two years.  Thank
you for showing me a new path, when you showed
me, me I changed forever.  I love you honey.
I got to visit Stella two days before leaving today.  We spent the day at the train museum, how perfect is that, haha.  She is so big you guys, she is talking and definitely a chip off the old block in being independent and strong willed.  My daughter Lovelisha and two Granddaughters Renee and Semya came along to meet their Aunt.  Renee thought it was quite funny having an aunt who is younger than her, we had a great day.  As always spending time with her and the two most amazing men in the world was a blessings and just what I needed for this send off.  They are excited for me and so proud.  I am also, and so happy that one day Stella will be able to read all these entries and know that she went with me in my heart every step of the way.  I love you Stella, I loved you before I met you.

Semya, Renee and Stella
My three little Angles I love you all every second of every minute of every hour of every day of my life <3

No more goodbyes, only hello's to new adventures
and I'll be back to tell you all about it soon, haha

I love you all from a place of gratitude for being here right now.  I am truly grateful that I did it, I learned that anyone of us, myself, can wake up any day and decide to open up our minds, free ourselves from conditioned thinking and beliefs and learn, grow and change.  I will always look back at 2012 as the end of the world, haha.  It was the end of the world as I knew it.  A time when I died and was born again, looking at life now with the eyes of a child, wonder and amazement in all I see.  I really like it here, knowing that I never knew it all is such a release, such freedom.  I had to unlearn all that to realize what a burden it was carrying the false belief that I knew how the world worked.  Had to unlearn so that now I can learn, and every day is a new and wonderful lesson about the magic that is life.  Have a great day.

One Love,

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