Thursday, April 11, 2013

Balancing a life of purpose with a purpose driven life

Troubled in discovering your purpose, finding your path?  You are on your path, you always have been.  You may not have been an active participant in your spiritual purpose while on your path, however.

There is no such thing as a wrong path on our Journey (Life).  While we may walk our path with what looks and feels like misguided purpose it all serves a purpose even if only the purpose of letting us know we have no purpose.  Many of us must spend a significant amount of our lives walking without knowing our own purpose to clearly understand our purpose when realized.

Let me explain what I mean by realized purpose.  When we start asking ourselves the big questions like "who am I" "why am I here" "there has to be more to life than this!" we begin being and active participant in our spiritual purpose.  We begin the path to understanding that we do in fact have a purpose much greater than graduating, working, raising a family, retiring and dying.  We start to realize our souls purpose is to take in experiences and learn more about ourselves and the whole from them, as well as our purpose is to contribute the experience of the whole with what we put out.  And all of it has been of value for those purposes even if it didn't feel purposefully rewarding at the time.

Sure there have been moments of clarity while we were not intentionally participating in understanding and creating our purpose in life.  There were moments where we felt the bliss and know we were where we were meant to be and in that moment we got it; we feel purpose driven and then it slips away, you slip away; back into the day to day mindless life routine we have accepted as purpose.

For me finding and holding my purpose is an ongoing effort I am learning and learning is key here.  It is when I stop educating myself that I stop learning and fall back into old habits of operating off of fear based energy.  Often I do not realize this until I have spent enough time driven by fear that I make myself physically sick with self punishment in the form of eating or creating drama in my life; creating a drastic event to compel me to break free from the fear.  In the past I have taken my time in getting to a place of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.  These days the road is more like a running track, I rarely have to reach the finish line to realize what is happening, I stop dead in the track with less need to complete the cycle as I recognize what I am doing to myself much sooner today.

When I realize what is happening to me, more honestly put... WHAT I AM DOING TO MYSELF,  I remind myself to do a few key things that I have forgotten to keep doing...


  • Seek guidance daily with meditation, prayer, self talk and counsel from others who can help me.  I have suffered from a life time fear of being vulnerable or rejected, a need to carry it all alone and keep it all together by myself without asking for or accepting help in productive ways.
  • Further my spiritual growth and knowledge with education: reading books, spiritual blogs, etc... For me a couple hours a day of quite time reading something that furthers my growth as well as expands my knowledge is essential to balancing myself.  I can easily get comfortable or caught up in my responsibilities to others or work and forget about my responsibilities to myself and my spiritual work, my soul work.
  • Journal about it, get it out of my mind and put it down on paper or type.  Much of my writing it all down over the past year or so has been here, sharing it with you all as I believe that doing so helps me in more ways than one.  Mainly it helps me to face my fears of what others think, my fear of being vulnerable and sharing that I don't have it all together all of the time.  It also helps others by showing that it is okay to share it all and knowing that I am helping others helps me to have the courage to help myself.  I am still at the place of learning to do it for myself, combining the knowing that I am helping others by exposing myself gives me purpose to help myself.


 This past month of being out of my own environment and living in the homes of my team members has taken me completely out of my own daily routine.  At the same time something else has been happening aside from feeling out of place without my daily routine that I was not recognizing until now, something that has been happening long before taking this trip.  I am only realizing it now because I have been put in a position of having to look at it.  I have been letting a fear slowly but surely deter me from being me.  A fear of what others think!  This is a hard fear to admit and one I easily deny to myself as I have not recognized how strong this fear is until now.

Most who know me or follow my writings wouldn't likely guess that I suffer from a fear of what others think as I am so outspoken, especially when it comes to speaking out for others or for causes.  I am willing to easily face my fear of what others think when matters of injustice to others are the issues.  I am realizing now just how much I am living in fear of what others think now that I have become somewhat of a public figure in my little piece of the world.

I have forgotten that it is okay to share it all here, to talk about it on the days when I am scared, conquering my demons and facing my fears.  I have also stopped sharing much of my spiritual growth and discoveries because I have gotten so caught up in my work world and the advice in business I have been given about not speaking on politics or spiritual matters too much as I can lose 40% of my audience in doing so.  Not sharing these huge parts of my journey has taken my attention away from them more and more as I focus more and more on my "responsibilities" toward my work goals and helping others reach theirs.

In doing all of this or should I say not doing it all I have found myself in a place, an old place of not taking care of me by not being true to me.  I am not balancing being my lightworker self with being my productive grounded self.  Both are needed and for some reason I have let a fear of failing in business effect facing my personal fears and being equally active in my spiritual growth making me less effective in both; I am off balance.  I didn't realize it was fear I have been centered in, the signs have been here: physical pains, emotional eating, crying at the sight of things that would not normally move me to such emotions.   When I remind myself to face outward things with love I am less successful because I am not centered in self love.  I know from the lessons I have actively taken part in learning over the course of this Journey to Self Love that in order to love others I must first love myself, I know that I am no good to others when I am not being good to myself.

I poured my heart out to a dear friend earlier this afternoon, the tears fell hard with relief as I just typed the truth in chat to her, shared my true feelings without explanation or excuse for them.  I shared that I feel lost, scared, tired and just want to go home.  Home not in the sense of my trailer or a set geographical location, more a longing to be home with God.  I didn't worry about how it sounded, I just shared it and she understood.  She shared her own feelings of being in the same place and we both laughed and cried with joy that we let it out and that each of us understood as we are both going through the same feelings.  We decided to search, we both said a prayer for guidance and we began our search for answers on why we were feeling so off balance.  We both came back to chat with links to articles we found, going back and forth reading both our findings I realized what is really going on with me, I realized this fear of what others think and I cried when I said it out loud... "I am afraid of what others think of me"  I am even crying now as I type it.  It is hard to say that I am scared, but at the same time I feel such relief saying it and at this moment remember that it is okay to be afraid and that sharing it is facing it.

I am a lightworker. I have been afraid of saying that lately for fear of what others think.   I know this is my calling, my souls purpose is to help others to also realize their own inner light and let it shine.  I am also a darkworker, or should I say learning how to exercise my darkwork.  You may think that the name darkwork sounds evil.  I thought so too at first.  We are conditioned to think that dark is bad, it is not.  Darkwork is our inner work of learning to put ourselves first, to serve ourselves.  A balance of learning to serve ourselves, take for ourselves gives us lightworkers the needed fuel to help others successfully.  I have always been a lightworker but never allowed myself to receive like I gave.  I have done my dark work in the ways of sacrificing myself to be loved.  Learning to love me enables me to love you completely without judgment or condition.

I have been suffering from Lightworkers Syndrome: an inability to balance my work to pay the bills and feed myself, my desire to be successful in my career with my calling to a higher level of consciousness and furthering my soul work that feeds my soul.  My fears of success for myself and my fear of failure in helping others are powerful when not acknowledged and keep me on a very low limited vibration in succeeding at anything other than feeling lost.

I will talk more on this in the upcoming weeks as I  know that I need to figure it all out myself and doing so here is important for me.  I don't want to just share with you all when I got it all down and can preach on it.  I want to share it as I go, fail or succeed it is all valuable and serves us both.  Thinking I have to have it all together before I share it with you is like thinking I have to get right to go to God when in fact I need God to get right.

I love you all from a place of raw truth in where I am today and excitement for where I get to go tomorrow by facing my fears today.  I realize that some may not vibe with where I am going with this and I have to laugh when I also realize that those who are meant to vibe with this will and those who are not won't and that is exactly how it is meant to be.  We are not all meant to be on the same path at the same time and if people think I am a rainbow making, tree hugging, granola loving hippie so be it, haha.  I do love granola and rainbows by the way, some of my best friends are trees and am known to wear a bandanna from time to time, haha.

One Love,
Lelania








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