Monday, April 15, 2013

Who needs meditation anyways?

Neglecting myself sets me on a one way track towards Melt Down Town
For me meditation has never been easy, it has mostly been me sitting quietly with my eyes closed trying to focus on my breathing while I swat away thoughts with my thought swatter.  As time went on I realized that my resistance to the thoughts was a problem and began to understand the art of allowing the thought to come and go with me as the observer neither avoiding or entertaining the thought.

I also have had problems with outer noises distracting me from my attempts to go within and always found meditation in the bath tub with my head submerged all the way to just my face out of water the most effective method of quieting my mind.  With a life long connection to water, I feel balanced near it or in it; it soothes me, calms the fire in me.  I grew up on the oceans of California and Hawaii, swam and surfed most of my adolescent life and was always the first one in and the last one out.  I am at home in the water.  Living in a trailer for over a year now I have had few baths and had to adjust to showers daily and learning to meditate on dry land.

When I fail to go withing for inner peace within becomes a prison of fear from which all other emotions that do not serve me breed.  I tell myself that the problem is out there, when really peace and tranquility are all around me and available in me always.  I cannot see, feel or experience all the wonders that are available to me when centered in fear.  With the closing of my eyes and deep breaths I again breath love into all of me the prison and illusion faded and all is revealed to me, available to me, of value to me.  

There was a routine associated with meditating, my environment clean, incense lit, candles burning, quite and dim light.  Although most of my meditations were really just relaxing time for me with no big enlightened moments besides a few very deep, very moving experiences where I felt fully connected, surrounded in love.  Times where I felt deep emotions being cleansed and some meditations where I actually felt myself surrounded by all other souls, more so as one of the one consciousness where laughter and love were in abundance.  These few times of truly moving meditations carried into my day and I was in the vortex all day long, the zone of love, allowance, acceptance, compassion, I could go on an on about the state of bliss I felt but will sum it up to say it was all good if you know what I mean.

Traveling for personal mentoring has thrown a monkey wrench in my routine.  Where was my perfect environment? I couldn't possibly relax fully and avoid all these distractions.  I needed peace to create inner peace I thought.  So I have been slacking, really slacking on the whole meditation thing, telling myself that it will have to wait I have the right environment is available again.  I can't be calm in chaos and chaos is what being out of my routine and comfort zone feels like.  That possibly could have been the old control freak in me talking, and it sure was.

I used to suffer from some serious OCD, everything had a place and needed to be clean enough that you could eat off of my floors.  I had to be in control of my life, my environment, all of it.  Letting go of control was something I learned the value of when I started this journey without a truck to tow myself and had to learn to ask for help moving from park to park, help setting up and breaking down my trailer for move, after all I was over 430 lbs back then and in a wheel chair unable to really walk more than a dozen feet without a walker or my chair.  So I was vulnerable and learned that it was okay to be so.  I learned the value in accepting help and much about the reasons why I helped so many others in the past and what true intent means.

Without me time, inner time I am like a train with headed in two directions
but stuck on one place really going nowhere.
Going a month without at least attempting to meditate for the most part has taken it's toll on me.  While most of my meditations are just relaxing and recharge me like a deep power nap except I am not asleep, I feel rested, revived and have much more mental clarity simply from quieting my mind for a few moments a day.  Without those few moments a day I have found myself off balance in so many ways.  Not connecting to my inner peace and true self through meditation with a quieted mind combined with my neglecting my spiritual growth and expression allowed my fears to start taking center stage and me to stop coaching my team of emotions remembering to stay centered in love.

I had a major break down, rather a break through as that is what a break down is I have learned.  I found myself emotional, irritable, crying when alone and just feeling overwhelming feelings of hopelessness as I continued to educate myself on the goings on of the world in regards to our food supply, the war, and so on.  I had an overwhelming longing to just go home, home to my Creator.  I found myself praying asking to be done with this Earth School experience, feeling powerless to help effect change.  I dealt with these feelings by staying focused on my responsibilities to my team and helping others.  That worked to a degree, not as successfully as it did my entire life when helping others to be loved was all I knew.  Today, loving me that method only works to a degree as I feel when I am not loving or taking care of myself first and know that importance of that now.

Fortunately I am at a place of knowing how to reach out and and did so opening up some revelations that helped me to remember something I read when studying meditation.  I remembered that there should be no difference between meditating on a mountain beside a tree in silence or meditating in time central.  Inner peace is within, available to us always.  In fact it is in outer chaos that quieting one's mind and going within that we can process all the feelings and emotions going on due to our environment or circumstances.

There was nothing stopping me from crossing the tracks
besides my own created illusions.
I didn't remember this on my own however, I had help, the help I had prayed for.  I prayed asking for guidance and relief, asking for help to overcome my feelings of hopelessness, feeling alone and disconnected.  In all those prayers I didn't stop to think that in meditation I am reconnected, hope is restored. I had a road block in my mind that told me I cannot meditate outside of my own perfect environment.  My prayers were answered in the form of a few friends who randomly contacted me on Facebook.

First I was contacted out of the blue by a friend in Southern California who seems to pop up when I am in a space of loss and have recently prayed convincing me that he is very tuned into his own spirit guides as he just knows.  He simply asked me if I have been meditating lately and in that question came an outpouring of emotions from me that I must have needed to share.  I somewhat addressed his question of meditation and moved on to seeking guidance in all my pending emotional burdens.

While talking to him, out of the blue another message came in, this one from someone who I haven't heard from in over a year who I only know through a spiritual group we are in together.  He had just returned from Amsterdam and felt compelled to share with me a story of how he gave the gift of meditation to someone on his visit.

A light went off, I had been praying to connect and here I was in chat with tow friends guided to answer my prayers.  I told my SoCal friend I was going to go meditate, I was going to go upstairs and take a bath and meditate that very moment.  He was happy to let me go and away I went.  I cleaned the bathroom, lit a purple candle and burnt some incense while the hot water ran.  Asked the house to please not disturb me and spent the greater part of the next hour with my head submerged in water while I focused on my breathing and the sound of my heart beating in my ear.  At one point I really began to breath, deep breaths taking in air that filled my body and releasing and realized I had not been breathing full breaths for a while.  My breaths had been shallow, there was little room for air to fill me with all the extra emotional burdens I as carrying on my chest.  I let go in that tub, took in deep breaths and felt sensations of release happening all through my body.  This was one of the most powerful connections I have had so powerful that the experience continued long after getting dressed and returning to my computer to continue my conversation with my friend.

As we chatted we dove deeper, much deeper into long suppressed  memories and emotions from my childhood that I had been reliving recently without realizing it till now.  As we spoke and he helped me to go to those times and see them as an observer realizing how they served me and the story that I told myself then was no longer the story now I felt sensations of movement in my body, tingling.  I felt one big shift occur like my spine had been sitting where my heart is and was moved back into place, something in me opened up.  Was I still meditating while we talked?

I was sharing all this with him and felt overwhelming feelings of joy and inner peace.  I was surrounded by the life of the house I am visiting.  TV was on, kids running about, my friend on her computer and phone and none of it intruded on my peace, my allowing of this very special moment, tears ran down my face I laughed out loud and not once did any of the life around me stop to see what all this was about.  I was centered in peace, not one single fear of what I looked like crying in the middle of it all.  Not once did I feel the need to explain nor did anyone feel the need to ask.  I wasn't attracting concern to me because there was no need for concern I was at peace.

After closing my computer I sat with my eyes closed and meditated for another 10 minutes right in the middle of it all.  Not once did anyone interrupt me, they were all busy with their goings on and I was at peace in the middle of it all, I slept the best most restful sleep that night and woke up before the sun feeling like I had just returned from a vacation, a retreat.  I couldn't wait to meditate again, I sat in silence downstairs and found myself in another deep state of connection to my true self.  Surrounded in light and love.  After I opened my eyes I realized the sun had began to rise, heard the songs of many birds and stepped outside to take it all in.  I felt the air embrace me, life all around me welcome me and a call to simply be with nature.

This carried on through out the morning long after the kids began to move about.  I dressed and asked if I could borrow the van to go to the river.  The water was calling me, I sang as I drove down to the Mississippi river with the windows down and my hair blowing about freely, I was laughing singing and crying all the way.  I found a bench on the river and sat down as I began to write one sentence in my gratitude journal that about summed it up for me...

Today I am grateful for life, thank you Jesus <3

I took in the energy of all life around me.  The bright sun danced off the waves on the river sparkling like stars in the sky.  The wind blew through my hair dancing on my scalp like kisses from heaven.  The birds flew all around me landing in the water, taking off again.  I took it all in, more so I was a part of it all, connected to everything around me.  My cells were happy, every cell in my body was happy and connected to all energy around me.

I don't know why I would ever resist meditating, maybe for the same reasons we all resist taking time for ourselves each day being so caught up in our 'responsibilities'.  I think I will make meditation my first priority for now on, all else is secondary as it is finding my inner peace that I connect to all that is good and love around me.  I miss so much and can get caught up in seeing what is wrong all around me, forgetting to see the opportunities, the value, the solutions all around me.  When I find that inner peace nothing can overwhelm me to a point of hopelessness or a feeling of loss and isolation.

I love you all from a place of total connection to all that is love and complete allowance for all that is good to embrace me.  I see the value in every part of it and am reminded this morning that I have the power within to embrace life fully, living centered in love through it all.

One Love,

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