Thursday, May 30, 2013

AH HA moments... Sometimes we gotta feel the pain!

I love you all so much, what an awesome life we are creating together!
Okay so I have been catching some major flack for not posting my second "AH HA" moment that happened on my first week here.  So I figured this would be a great time to finish this story of an awesome wake up for me.  The past couple weeks has been crazy ya'll.  Amazing good crazy, so many awesome things happening in my life today that I even have to pinch myself.

Even the view on the drive up rocks the most!
After what was one of the funnest most amazing weeks of hanging out with the Essante team for the Great Green Event we ended the week with a day on lake Pleasant.  The owners of Essante treated us to a day on the the most beautiful lake on their boats.  A group of us carpooled up to the lake in three cars playing leap frog on the freeway, singing and laughing along the way.  I was so excited to get to the water, the sun was shinning, clear skies and a nice 100 degree weather with a nice breeze made for perfect lake weather.

Scorpion Marina on Lake Pleasant, Arizona

Lake Pleasant, Phoenix Arizona 
Now before I go any further let me take you back to Wednesday because that is where this began for me on personal level.  My brother in every way and rockstar promoter Jeff Cerza flew in from Chicago for his week visit.  Got his rental car and after getting settled in came and picked me up at my cottage with Jane Orlov to meet up with the owners for lunch at an awesome Thai Restaurant in Scottsdale.  We made plans for our first night out on the town and set a time to meet up with the owners later.  Jeff and Jane wanted to head back to the hotel and hang out at the pool for the rest of the day.  Of course they wanted me to go.  The problem was I didn't have a bathing suit and Jeff thought it would be super easy to just go buy one.  Well for me that is not so easy, there is a whole process involved with buying a bathing suit when you weigh 300 pounds.  Keeping it real there is a process when you weight 120 pounds lets keep it real.  Reluctantly I agreed and we stopped at my least favorite store, you guessed it... Walmart.  I know they have a big gals section and hoped to find one that I felt okay in.

Getting ready to rip and run in the sun!!!
The stress mounted, as me Jeff and Jane tried to shop, neither me nor Jane found a suit and Jeff was a typical man who didn't understand the process.  He was so cool about it, it was me who was starting to go into meltdown over the whole thing.  Finally I just said... "I can't do this today".  I apologized and we left the store.  I tried to explain to Jeff that shopping with a stud dude for a bathing suit is not my idea of fun while fighting the tears building up in my eyes.  He was so cool about it, still just did not quite understand why I am insecure about him when we are so so close, he truly is my brother in every way these days.  Jane heard the crack in my voice and saw the tears in my eyes and began to share her own torture over shopping for a bathing suit.  She with the most loving and caring voice told me about her many insecurities as I sat and began to feel the anxiety subside.

Linda you have become so special to me, your heart
is full of so much patience, love, understanding and
compassion for all life.  I love you 
Now you have to understand, I am looking at Jane right, she is a 10 all the way, this woman is gorgeous, no make up drop dead gorgeous.  To hear her share from the heart and she meant every word reminded me of how damaging our self images can be, reminded me that I have made videos in my bathing suit, I faced those fears.  See, what was really going on was this fear in my mind about going to the pool with everyone else, about going to the Lake on Sunday with everyone else and being the only one in a bathing suit size 22.  This fear was beginning to paralyze me until Jane and Jeff in that car ride reminded me of who I am and how far I have come.

Jane and I went shopping together again on Thursday and treated ourselves to Pedicures.  We both took our time in the store and did what women do, we tried on suit after suit after suit, haha.  I found the right one, black, had a skirt, with a cool cover up that would make me feel even more secure and even some khaki shorts and sandals.  I even found a green dress for the Great Green event on Saturday.  I was set clothes wise for the weekend and feeling great about a day on the lake.

I got this!!!
Sunday came and mind you by then I have been really pushing myself physically.  Going out every night with the amazing owners of Essante and all my friends and team mates who flew in for the event.  I had not stopped going all week and to top it off Friday night at the restaurant as we were leaving I was the lucky one who stepped in a puddle of something someone spilled.  You guessed it, I fell, yeah and I didn't just fall, no that would have been too ordinary for me, haha.  I grabbed the table beside me as I was headed down onto the tile where both my knees slammed down on the cold hard surface and took all the dishes on the table with me.   It was a monumental fall, one fit for a queen!

Off we go...
So here I am on Sunday, in pain, but determined to hang in there, sure I can handle one more day.  I mean come on I have this new suit and faced my fears in my mind about this day so I was ready and there was no way I was backing out.  Luckily Linda and Daniel Wenniger who have made me feel like a million bucks since I arrived thought ahead and planned for a golf cart to get me from the parking lot all the way down to the docks where the boats are.  I was thanking my lucky stars for that golf cart ride.  We all loaded up on the two boats and headed out.

Getting our Lake Pleasant on!

Can I just say that there is something magical about Lake Pleasant.  The landscape is simply breathtaking, the water so clear and clean and the air fresh.  I was in heaven sitting on that boat.  We zipped around mountains while they showed us all the part of the lake then we came to the party zone. I call it that because it really is a party zone, boats lined up tied together, music, every bikini color you can imagine and everyone having a great time jumping in the water swimming from boat to boat getting their party on.  BBQ's going, dogs and kids swimming, it was awesome to see so many people having so much fun.

We moved on to anther spot a few miles away, omg this place was just majestic.  High cliffs and you could see all the different colors in lines of reds, tans, browns, yellows it was like a painting set in front of our eyes, I was taken back by the way the cool clear blue water looked next to these cliffs that spanned so high up.  After riding about everyone was ready for a swim.  I was too and excited even to take off my shorts and jump in.  The fear of my bathing suit was gone and then all of a sudden it hit me... How am I going to get back in the boat?  As a few of our crew began jumping in and a few calling me to come in too I sat there wondering what to do.  I asked if they had a ladder to climb back in and when I realized how short the ladder was I knew there was no way I had the upper body strength to pull myself up.  I wanted to cry.  I fought the tears back however while I managed to not cry outside I was sobbing inside, I was screaming at myself... "I still can't do what everyone else can!!!"

I felt all the insecurities come back to the surface as I declined jumping in and sat watching everyone else swimming and felt so reminded that I still have so far to go.  I tried to remind myself of how far I have come, however at that moment I felt very little comfort in that thought.  I just wanted to swim, swimming is my thing, it is something I can do and do well.  Here I was on the lake, the most beautiful lake I have ever seen with all these awesome friends and I couldn't do what I wanted to do most, jump in!

Hahaaaaaaaaa I cannot even caption this picture without laughing out loud, love you all!

As we rode back to the docks I had a silent talk with myself that went something like this...  "Breath self, breath.  You are half way there!" and I kept repeating those words in my mind as we moved over the water.  I put my hand out and let the sprays from the side of the boat touch my fingers and I imagined that my dolphins were with me.  You may remember when I first started working out again, I used to imagine that dolphins swam with me to keep me going when I got tired and wanted to quit.  Just focusing on that vision of those dolphins cheering me on I was able to go further than I would have alone.  On this day my dolphins were there to comfort me and let me know that I will swim in that lake one day soon, and I will climb back up on the boat like everyone else.

Look Ma no hands, hahaaaa Jeff you rock, I love you bro!

Awesome place to go out to eat if you ever visit Phoenix, AZ
After the lake we went to the coolest restaurant that overlooked the whole city of Scottsdale and Phoenix.  The view was amazing as the sun set.  By the end of dinner I was done physically, the week had taken it's toll and I finally had to admit to myself and everyone else that I could not go a step further, I was embarrassed to say I couldn't go out or make the trip on Monday to Sedona, tears were in my eyes as I asked Jeff to please take me home to my own bed.  Everyone saw me cry and I felt horrible about it.  What I learned was that they all care so much and that I was the only one who had a problem that week admitting when I couldn't do as much as everyone else.  Those old insecurities of having to ask for help or admit I cannot do it myself came back strong and I needed to just go home and go to bed.

Today my fridge is only full of good for me stuff, my
grocery bill is half of what it used to be when I bought
cheap junk foods, crazy how we believe it costs more
to go organic and healthy!
I woke up on Monday still sore physically, but something new was born in me that was not there before that trip on the lake.  I felt in me a renewed determination to finish what I started in regaining my health.  I got on the phone and called Jeff and few others to apologize for crying, they did not care about me crying, they just cared about me.  I learned that week that I am strong, that I can do so much more than I used to be able to do and more than anything my AH HA came in realizing just how bad I want to do it all!

I am really proud to report that I am down to three cigarettes a day now, and that I have done so well on my lifestyle change of eating since being here and although I have not been able to weigh myself yet my clothes have gotten loser, even that bathing suit as I went swimming just the other day in the pool at the gym down the street.  I have never felt more determined than I do today to continue regaining my health and my freedom back.  I stocked up on Earth Greens, omegas, calcium and magnesium.  Today my legs feel great, the bruises on my knees from the fall are almost gone and I have had a rockstar of a week business wise.  Tuesday night I did my first corporate presentation and while I was a nervous wreck as soon as I stood up in front of everyone I was just me and did what I do... Kept it real!

I love you all from a place of knowing that sometimes we have to get angry, we have to feel the pain to truly grasp the contrast, to feel the desire so bad that it becomes us.  That is where I am now, and I am not alone, I am surrounded by these amazing people who really care and want to see me succeed but accept me just as I am today.  That rocks!  Loving me has never felt so real.

One Love

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