Monday, July 29, 2013

This point in my life~

I have been feeling a bit lost lately, have been facing some new challenges the past few weeks that I wasn't ready to share.  I was telling myself that I have too many people counting on me to allow them to worry about me right now.  I was also scared because I didn't really know what was wrong and for me the not knowing leaves me with no plan to fix what is wrong.

One morning about 5 weeks ago while still in Arizona I passed out, physically lost consciousness.  The president of Essante Organics Dr. JJ Levine rushed me to the local ER where several tests were ran.  My blood work showed my serum ammonia levels were raised and I was highly anemic.  I was prescribed medication to bring my ammonia levels down, iron for the anemia and referred to see specialist then sent home.

I made the choice to leave Arizona and move on to North Dakota and accept an offer from my team here to help me through this.  I considered going home and taking a break to find out what is wrong but decided I wanted to keep working toward what I am building in Essante Organics, keep spreading the word about the toxins in our lives.  It gives me much purpose and is so fulfilling on so many levels to me.  I was so touched by Kerry Duff and her family who extended such love and support with a strong desire to be support to me through this that I decided to take a leap of faith after praying on it and feeling in my heart that I should accept their offer.

Since arriving here I received some answers last week when I found out that I have NAFLD... non alcoholic fatty liver disease.  My liver is enlarged from this and not functioning properly.  That explains the raised serum ammonia levels which caused me to pass out.  The doctors are still running tests to determine why my anemia continues to worsen and my red blood cell count continues to lower.  I will be seeing specialist for my liver in Bizmarck, ND about an hour from Dickinson, ND where I am visiting to determine the extent of damage to my liver through biopsies and more tests.

I mostly feel relieved to know something about what is going on with me.  I feel like I have in some way prepared myself for this with all the research I have been doing on this journey.  I know there are so many options out there and have learned how powerful we are in healing our own bodies..  I have this incredible faith that comforts me, this understanding of a truth inside me, my connection to myself and to God that gives me hope.

I am reminded today this this is a spiritual journey and have this knowing inside of me that what I am facing is part of my souls growth, there are things I have not faced yet, pains I still hold onto that need to be released, be forgiven.  I am also learning what it truly means to accept help from others, there is such a stubborn part of me that still needs to be in control, still needs to do the helping.  I have felt stuck in many ways.  I cannot just move on from where I am, I have to stay here for now and finish finding out what is wrong.  Fears are surfacing, feelings of vulnerability.  Part of me is angry, angry that at this point in my life I am alone.  Even though I am surrounded by the support of so many I have met along the way, I feel so alone.  A loneliness I have in many ways created over years of allowing my fear of abandonment to dictate my allowing others all the way in.

I am also angry at the world for what we have become, how we have all taken part in allowing our purpose to become so distorted that we have become a society poisoned by our own Government, a society that has excused ourselves of our individual responsibility in taking care of ourselves and our planet.  Feelings of discouragement with the challenges to find healthy options for us to live a healthy life, physically, emotionally and spirituality.  We became so disconnected from what truly matters along the way, myself included.  Our desire to survive has in many ways been the very destruction we face today, our choices, my choices all have lead us here, lead me here.  Together we have all helped us to get here to this place where so many are facing loss.  I look around and everywhere someone is losing someone, everywhere disease and disaster are surfacing at record rates while the media and our Governments continue to deceive us, continue to try to control us through fear and lies.

I feel like a prisoner in my own body, I have a good portion of my life but even more so now.  For me sharing these feelings here is scary, however I want to share this all with you because I believe doing so is part of me healing, a step in facing more of my fears and continuing my journey of unconditional love of self and all else.  I want to live as if only love matters.  Everything happens for a reason, the same has to be true with this part of my life.  This past week sitting outside as the morning sun rises and I pray, cry and try to sort it all out I have found myself asking myself the question "what does it mean to be alive".  In trying to embrace this moment, knowing that this moment is all I have I still find myself returning to past moments, worrying about moments to come and the realization sets in that letting go is such a challenge.  Giving up the need to control the outcome, giving up the need to base now on what has happened before.  Then reminding myself that my limited experiences up until now should not dictate how I feel this moment as the next moment will bring new experiences to teach me more about who I am if I do not limit my experiences because of my inability to learn ignorantly thinking I know it all.

I know that a lot of what I am saying may not make sense and that is kind of where I am right now.  I feel an urgency to understand, my impatience wants to just go from A to Z and have it all figured out.  I don't think that is going to work, it really has never worked, just given me temporary fixes to repeated problems.  I think this is one situation in my life I am truly going to have to stop running, slow down and take each step needed to gain the understanding I so strongly desire.

This morning I remind myself that everything has led me to this point of my life and I can choose to fight it by letting my feelings and emotions be controlled by fear breeding anger, or choose to embrace it as the experiences needed to embrace love.

I love you all from a place of trying to embrace acceptance that all is as it should be, a place of desire to learn the true meaning of forgiveness and live as if only love matters.

One Love,

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