Thursday, August 8, 2013

Releasing regrets, embracing inner peace.

We were given the assignment of sharing a post on peace each Monday in the month of August beginning this week.  "We" being the women taking part in the Heal Your Voice Foundations Book Project 2013.  I am late, I have to make peace with that, wink.

Shopping at Trader Joes with Nani
My original post began as one on making peace with personalities.  We meet so many different personalities and often choose to give up our peace of mind and live in discord with those around us that we interact with on a daily basis.  I will finish that for next week I am sure, however this week life threw me a curve ball and took me in a whole new direction and quickly.

I am a best under pressure type of gal, when the going gets tough I am quick on my toes, always have been.  It is the calm after the storm that leaves me in an emotional uproar where I must regain peace with what is happening or has happened.  That is partially where I am today.  I sit here as the sun rises in Sacramento, Ca preparing to go visit my big sister who is in her final days.  Yes I said Sacramento, yes I know I was just in North Dakota and planning to head to Virginia next to begin my Gerson Therapy.  However, plans quickly changed when I received some devastating news from home that required me to make immediate plans to return to the sunny state I grew up in.  

My youngest Grandbaby who is such a character, she can hold her own!
I was honestly hit all at once with bad news on two counts.  One was good news in a way.  Finding out that my older sister is in Sacramento while hearing that my kids needed my help in a big way was a relief because I really wanted to see her, to be there for her in her last days.  I had thought her in another state as she was when she first fell ill with liver disease.  This is my oldest sister whom I only met ten years ago.  We have the same biological father.  We have had very little contact over the past ten years since meeting.  I am feeling much regret over that now that she is near the end of her Journey here on earth.

My oldest Grandbaby has a heart of gold and is always with a smile on
his face.  Love you so much baby even though you are not a baby
anymore you will always be my baby.
When we met we were so excited, I remember the promises we made to each other about staying in touch.  I can still hear her words when she told me I had a big sister to protect me now, the way I protected our little sister all these years.  For the first couple years we kept to our promises, talked often, shared photos and our lives with each other.  As the years went on we both emerged back into our lives with less contact and before I know it here we are.  I find myself asking myself why I hadn't tried more, been there more, could I have made a difference in this outcome?  



I was warned yesterday that when I visit her this morning she may not recognize me and become defensive at first.  That saddened me, and is likely as ten years ago I weighed at least a hundred pounds less than today.  I want so badly for her to recognize me, to know that in the end I was by her side and although we didn't utilize the time we had as we promised we would that I am here now and I love her so much.

This is one of those times in life where you realize that the saying "Tomorrow is not promised" is so true and we should not put off the things that matter, the people that matter till another day as that day may be a day like today.  As I sit in outside watching the baby blue sky laced with bright pink clouds from the rising morning sun I am digging deep within to make peace with all that is happening right now.  Peace in realizing that regrets will not aid me in what I face now, nor will they help me to be support to those I love.  

Nani's Girls
I remind myself that life is a series of lessons gained from experiences and making peace with it all while not always easy is how we grow from each experience.  I remind myself that my Creator is always at peace, is always love and is always with me.  These thoughts give me peace, they remind me that my sister will one day soon be embraced in complete love, pure energy and suffer no more.  They remind me that the challenges my children are facing that brought me here will pass and they too will gain from the experiences and learn the lessons they need to learn from it all.



I am finding peace in the knowing that while my sister may not remember me at this moment, that like our father who passed just this year, she will be with me always and she will always know that I was here, that I loved her. In the arms of the lord she will have no regrets and would not want me to live with any either.  I see the lesson in this clearly, I can see that this is teaching me the importance of not putting off till another day sharing my life with those who matter, not letting a chance to show love to someone else go by because of the day to day life that feels so overwhelming and keeps us in a cycle of putting off the things that matter most so that we can meet the pending demands of the day.

Teaching my babies how to shop, read labels and pick healthier options
makes eating new foods that much funner.  Include them and they will
want to make the changes too.
While we didn't know each other enough, she is my big sister teaching me a valuable lesson today.  I am grateful for that.  Finding the gratitude, what to be truly thankful for is my key to peace.  Choosing to see what is gained, the lesson helps me to choose not to carry the regrets that do her nor I any good.  I am going to visit her with peace in my heart trusting that all is as it should be and we will see each other again one day.








It feels good to snuggle up with my grandbabbies at night, they give me such peace with their unconditional love.  We have had moments of such joy together in the few days I have been here with them.  Laughter and love are the gifts they bring me each moment we are together.  Being away all these months to help other families across the Country has been an amazing experience, however being home with them in my arms and facing my sister leaving this world soon reminds me how important these years of their lives are and how much I miss my family.

Fort Night
We went shopping and got lots of healthy organic stuff for the house.  They love when I am here, they get so involved in all this organic stuff that their Nani is all about and are eager to take part in it from shopping to cooking.  My granddaughter wrapped her arms around me yesterday and said... "things always get better when you are here Nani, can you stay a while this time."  We built a big fort last night, pulled the couches together to make one big bed and put the futon mattress on top of that.  We had pillows galore and strung blankets across the backs of the couches to make us our own little cave.  We watched their favorite movies, which they have seen a dozen zillion times and are always as excited as the first.  I laughed as they spoke along with the lines and watched as if it were my first time as well.  Me and four of my five grandbabbies feel asleep together in our fort and I woke up with elbows and feet all over me, haha.  These are the moments to cherish, this is what matters most.  I think I will be home for a while this time.  


I love you all from a place of understanding just how important today is, yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come.  Loving those in our lives now, loving our life now is where it is at.

One Love,
Lelania













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2 comments:

  1. "Loving our life now is where it is at." So true! Great post ~

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  2. I can feel the peace that you are generating in this post. Sending you love and light to you and your sister as she continues on her journey.

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