Thursday, October 10, 2013

What can I do to change the world?

I can look back over my life as an observer today and see how all of it
built this woman I am today, a woman of strength and courage!
When I set out on this Journey almost two years ago I was broken.  I had reached a point in my life where I had no reason to be here.  I remembered my therapist telling me some ten years earlier that I was one of the most intelligent women she had ever met, and that I was one of the most dangerous patients because while I could pretty accurately self analyze, no matter what I told myself or what she tried to help me to see, deep down inside I didn't believe I deserved to be loved.  She told me I believed I had to be sacrificing myself to others to be loved and that if the day ever came when I had no reason to sacrifice myself that I would have no reason to be here.  I remember laughing and saying that I was far too strong to ever give up, suicide was for the selfish and the weak and I was neither.

As I sat on my couch for hours planning my own suicide I remembered that session and her words hit me with the realization of what she was trying to help me to see way back then.  It was true, here I was with no reason to sacrifice myself to another soul.  I had been hurt, used, betrayed and abandoned for the last time and had no reason to trust anyone, not even myself.  So I had no reason to be here.  As I sat there listening to the same song over and over again I could only think of two people, two reasons not to leave yet, my little sister Tamar and my daughter Stella.  I felt so selfish for wanting to quit and so ashamed that I had become so weak to feel the only way out was giving up on this precious thing called life.

Even then, I couldn't be strong for myself and the realization of that angered me.  I was mad at the world for betraying me.  After all I had given so much to so many, how could I end up here? How did this happen, how did I end up alone in the end?  I surrounded myself all my life with so many people and had been of service to them all in some way.  I took in every soul who needed a roof over their head and crossed my path.  How then did I end up here, alone!  Being alone was terrifying to me, I was left with only myself to comfort me and I didn't like myself enough to know how to be my own comfort.  I remembered my therapist telling me that I had better learn how to love myself before this day came.

When I started this blog I never really expected anyone to read it.  If I had I might not have written each entry so honestly in those beginning days.  I wanted to face my fears and I had many of them at that time.  One was admitting I didn't have it all together, I had done such a good job of looking like I could always bounce back from any situation but inside I was screaming for help and didn't know how to ask for it or accept it.  I felt weak and ashamed of being weak, I was so scared to admit I was weak.

So I set out to find myself so I could change the world and what I learned along the way is that I was never lost, I was just living a story I had outgrown.  I decided to write a new story, learned I have the power to do that.  Began to forgive myself and understand that my past did not define me today or who I can become tomorrow.  I shared my challenges and lessons along the way never really thinking that too many people would read them and each week was shocked at the new Countries that visited my site to read my words and then the emails started to flow in from time to time with people I touched and inspired to face their own fears or make new choices, to forgive themselves and more.

I realized that by facing my fears of sharing my story, my truth, I was inspiring others to face their own fears and that felt so empowering to me.  I realized that by changing me I was in fact changing the world around me.  Some of you reading this right now may be where I was and think that you cannot change yourself let alone the world.  Let me tell you that if I can make these changes anyone can, if you knew me before, how low I felt about myself, how little I thought of myself and how bad my life choices were because of my lack of self love and need to be loved by others by helping them to get that love you would know you can change too.

You see it begins in us, one moment, one defining moment where we decide and commit to changing and then act on it.  The acting part is really important otherwise we are just wishing and hoping and waiting for life to give us some proof that trying is worth it.  We too often wait for others to do what we think cannot be done to give us the evidence it is worth trying for fear of failing.  We miss that our failures are awesome, they are stepping stones and if we avoid them we avoid being a part of so many great things in life, we miss so much opportunity!

I received this message the day before yesterday and tears ran down my face as I read it...


JoJo- I just read your blog~ 
I'm at a loss for words! I'm all tears and a gazillion 
different feelings running through my mind,body & soul! 
I share similar ,VERY similar issues as you, and like you I AM BEYOND SERIOUS
about taking my health in my control, getting back to ME FINDING ME!!!! 
I am so overwhelmed with feelings I cannot explain! Chills even! I have disease to rid of, 
80 pounds to lose and a whole lot of me to find! I had 3 AHA moments,3rd being your blog!


While I was in tears a team mate wrote me about reading the same blog and I shared with her that someone I had never met before messaged me on facebook with this message and that I couldn't explain how it feels to have both of them say the same things at the same time like that, it just reminded me of the power of us all sharing rather than holding it in and she replied..

. "I'm telling you .... You radiate what people NEED... to believe in themselves.. to find themselves.. I don't even know how to describe how you make me feel when I need it! You are the most inspiring person I know... and I mean it from the bottom of my heart.. you don't even know that person who just wrote you.. but look how you have moved that person and changed their mindset.. God has big plans for you my dear.. and I am glad he has included me to be your friend~ We are just the ones telling you.. what about all the people who haven't mentioned it? you just think you are "regular JoJo" but to others you are so much more.. Just remember that you are very special to a lot of us.."

My friend is Dayna and she is right I do not realize a lot of this most days, I see us as all the same really and while I got her point I reminded her how much she inspires me and we were both all happy and inspired and she faced some really big fears the next day and inspired the whole team and was surrounded by love and support in doing so.

What I was reminded of is that I am so special, I spend so much time wanting to help others see how special they are and then I remember that I have to take care of me to be able to take care of anyone else and my reminders are in messages like these.

I wanted to share this today to just say to everyone reading this that we all change the world weather by default or with intent.  We effect every life we touch with out thoughts, words and actions and that radiates out to others and to others and before you know it comes right back to us.  I see so clearly today how my thoughts, words and actions in life come full circle.  I see it all day long with the thousands of people I converse with day after day who are so uplifting and inspiring, the dreamers, the doers, the magic that happens when you life the magic is amazing.

And every so often I encounter those old personality traits I used to life, the victims, the complainers, the people stuck where I was and if I am not careful I pick up that energy too.  I have learned to stand up for what I believe in and do so gracefully and honestly.  I no longer fear saying how I feel, I choose what I allow into my world and that is a great power to own.  I offer those the truth as I see it, give solutions and those that come back with more of the same I just tell them I am not open for business anymore.  See, I have learned that we cannot save others from the place they choose to be, we can only offer love and compassion and accept that they are where they need to be and when they need to be somewhere else they will make the changes needed to get there too, I did!  No one could tell me anything, I had all the evidence I thought I needed to prove I was right in how I viewed life and how I took no action to make it much better for myself due to my own fears, so I place judgments to the side and do it moving with love.

You, me, each one of us makes a difference.  Our stories are valuable, learning
to embrace your story and share it is such freedom and can help so many
others to know that they to can overcome past pains and write a new one!
If you want to change the world, know that you already are, your affecting the planet just like I am.  How you effect yourself and every life on this planet is totally up to you.  Don't feel helpless in changing life for the better till you get so overwhelmed you just accept life as it is.  In that space you are actually helping things to stay the same or worsen.  This is not a big overpowering task, it really just starts inside each of us.  And each of us that begins loving ourselves helps thousands of others to do the same.









I love you from a place of peace and calmness for all that is happening in our world today and see so much good all around me it is amazing to see!

One Love,
Lelania


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1 comment:

  1. I wish I could reach thru the computer and give you a big hug ! The words you wrote mean so much to me as I am pretty much in the same shoes as you were, it is nice to see that I am not alone. And hopefully soon I will be able to walk down that same path to health and healing that you are on now. Until then it is amazing to read and watch your inspiration taking place, it means more to me that you will ever know. Blessings

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