Sunday, January 12, 2014

Will Work For Christ~

Friday was a very emotional day for many in my life.  We put to rest one of our loved ones, he was only 21.  James Howard, my step son was one of the most compassionate and loving young men I have ever known.  Always willing to lend a hand to everyone, he walked with such love in his heart for life.  His brother Juwan died just 10 days before him and his mother whom I love so much is devastated to have lost not one but two of her sons.  I sat listening to her share stories of them growing up and my heart wept for her.

Sitting beside me were my two daughters, my best friend Kim and my youngest son.  We all cried deep cries of pain for Natasha.  Even as we stood in the parking lot of the funeral home tears flowed and we all hugged, holding each other tight, reminded that tomorrow is not promised.

On the drive back home Kim and I talked about our lives, how much loss we have seen this year and where we are at in our own lives.  As we hit the downtown freeway traffic came to a stop so I exited to cut through downtown to the 160 and take the back way to my park and came to a red light on the off ramp and saw a sign, not just any sign but a sign that resonated deeply with my thoughts and our conversation!

Will Work For Christ

"Will Work For Christ" were the words written on the back of a street sign sitting two feet from me.  Walking in Christ Consciousness is a daily goal for me and one of my strongest goals for this new year.  For me working for, walking in Christ means to be without blame, without judgment.  Means to see all life through the eyes of love.  It means to be of service to others, which I believe we were all born to learn to do and in doing so find our way home to our Creator.

I have spent much of this weekend reading the bible, in prayer and meditation.  Setting my intentions to take every step in my life from here forward truly appreciating the gift that is life.  I know that I came here to learn, to grow, each experience has served that purpose.  Every challenge and there have been many has helped to shape the woman sitting here today.  The biggest challenge on this journey has been to look back at it all without judgment, to be the observer and to see how it all served me.

To look back without self judgment or judgment of others and see how it all shaped me.  I am reminded of so many times where I could have and almost did give up, but something inside of me said keep going.  Today I understand on a much deeper level who that voice was talking to me.  Today I realize that all that I thought was hardship and misfortune were the most profound experiences in shaping my souls growth and understanding of who I am.

I have been a hard headed woman most of my life.  I did everything the hard way.  I was my own worst enemy, I am sure many of you can relate to this, especially in our younger years.  You know the years when we knew it all.  I think there are three stages in life.  The first stage we know nothing and want to learn everything, the second stage we know everything and learn nothing, the third stage we realize that we still have so much to learn.  In the third stage of life we gain much understanding of our second stage, we begin to see how our know it all attitude taught us so much more than we realized.

On this Sunday morning I am sitting as the sun rises and talking to Jesus, thanking him for never giving up on me and for being that voice that kept me going all these years.  I am thanking God for all the amazing people being sent to me, to guide me, to inspire me, to love me.

I am truly blessed with the most beautiful people in my life today.  My relationships are so honest, so rewarding and full of true reciprocity.  Two women have had a profound impact on me this week.  They honestly have an impact on me every week, but this week has been much deeper and I am so filled with gratitude for both Amanda and Jenya.  Two of the most beautiful souls who have been such encouraging support to me in every area of my life.  Thank you so much for being who you are to me, both of you carry me when I am weak, you remind me of how precious and loved I am by Jesus and strengthen my determination to "Work For Christ".  I love you!

God has sent someone else into my life.  I have enlisted the services of a life coach and today I am completing my first homework assignment, a letter to myself.  Funny how I can write all these entries, telling my journey as I go, but as I sat down a couple times this weekend with my journal and pen in hand the tears started flowing before the pen even touched the paper helping me to see how much pain I still carry and I am ready to face it, to release it and today is the day!

I love you all from a place of confidence, a place of readiness to release past pains and seal the gap between me and that little girl inside of me who deserves to know she is loved, she is protected, she is worthy.

One Love,
Lelania




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