Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Peeling back the layers of intent~

I woke at 3:33 am, which in itself was exciting to me as these power numbers keep appearing in my life daily.  Already excited in my sleep by dreams of waking up and taking charge of what I knew in my dream state was going to be an amazing day, my feelings were only confirmed as I glanced at the clock to see those three 3's looking back at me.

Again, getting on the computer was not an option, funny how the universe works in our lives when we have consciously chosen to take a path of self discovery yet fall into daily routine and avoid the actions needed to stay on that path.  For the second time this week some force beyond my own powerful self has stepped in and said... you made a choice and asked for answers, today you shall seek and find these answers so pay attention woman and make it happen.    This has been done by first my hard drive on my less than a year old computer completely crashing and again this morning the new computer I just purchased deciding it would not let me log on for several hours.

Having been here just a week ago I strongly sensed that this was again divine intervention and I needed to sit down and stay disconnected from my cyber world and do just what I did last week in my 24 hours of being forced to do something other than get online, I needed to read and meditate.

The weekend before last I had a fabulous girls night with my energy healer and friend Karen Lutter, who gave me a book that she was guided to give me while in a dream of her own.   The book is VISIONSEEKER by Hank Wesselman, PH.D.  I know beyond a shadow of  a doubt that this book was intended to lead me somewhere I needed to go and that is to a deeper state of mediation than I have been able to experience to date.

When my computer failed me this past Friday I awoke on Saturday wondering what I would do without my morning ritual of computer and coffee, endless Facebook scrolling, returning the many messages that always fill my inbox while I sleep and updating myself on the teams activity and getting an early start on my work day.  Being out of my routine I decided that reading was a great plan and dove in with excitement to actually have some me time.  After reading a chapter, which was the 5th chapter of the book I was deeply moved to close the book and meditate.  Following that feeling led me into the most amazing spiritual journey I have experienced in a mediation to date.

As I focused on my breathing I was asking with intent for healing and help in releasing feelings that no longer serve me.  I kept repeating this request in my mind, more and more asking from my heart and letting my breath guide me deeper and deeper.  Then it happened.  I was there, I was in the forest, it was not clear yet, the scenery was vague, dark and light shadows that I could make out as trees and the skyline.  Then something was very clear.  A wolf appeared at my side, a huge wolf with black hair sprinkled with white strands that were a shimmering silver and gave the wolf a salt and pepper look and reminded me of my fathers hair in his later years.

The wolf offered to guide me without words and without  verbally saying the words I wondered if I should climb on board this massive creatures back and the answer was instantaneous, YES!  So I did and we flew through the forest, I could feel the power with which his feet hit the soft ground beneath us as he ran with such grace through the woods, leaping over fallen trees, ducking under others.  I could feel the wind in my hair, it was invigorating and I felt pure excitement for the journey.  I had no idea and every idea of where we were going all at the same time.  Overall I felt safe and knew that a guide was carrying me to where I had asked to go.

We reached a clearing, a beautiful serene clearing in the woods that was circled by tall trees in an almost perfect circle with an opening to a meadow that lay beyond  the leaves and bushes that had grown into the opening.  I only surveyed this scene for a brief second before my eyes became fixed on a bear, a great big smiling bear whose smile and eyes told me that I was expected and had reached my destination.

Without effort I was standing before this bear and said outloud... "Oh, you are Karen's Bear"  The bear and I both simultaneously burst into a knowing laughter and my feelings that this was the very bear that Karen journeys with often was confirmed.  My excitement turned to a deep gratitude as this bear took me into it's arms hugging me and we both laughed some more and then the bear began to hum a comforting hum, not one I heard with my ears, rather one I heard with my heart and I was being rocked in this bears arms like a baby.

A part of me being exposed, a part of my younger self emerged and I wept and laughed all at once as this bear offered me such comfort and love that extended even after the bear placed me on an alter of stone that I hadn't seen initially.  I was standing directly in the middle of this clearing in the forest.  Somehow I for a moment was removed from myself and could see myself lying on this stone alter.  I was me, yet I was in complete liquid form, I was clear blue, like the oceans of Maui that I used to swim in as a young woman during my time there.  I was liquid, yet I was solid.

Then I was back in myself, still aware that I was this fluid version of myself, yet now seeing from the perspective of being me rather than looking at me.  Around me stood angelic looking figures in cloaks whose faces I couldn't make out and felt no need to be concerned about.  The bear was still laughing a reassuring laugh that let me know everything was okay.  I looked up to the sky and took in the wonder of the view above with the tops of the trees allowing an opening to a beautiful sky above in the shape of a heart.

I felt completely safe while I was taken back by the view and these cloaked beings worked on me, what they were doing I do not remember specifically, I just knew that they were doing something I had asked to be done so I stayed mindful to be in a state of allowance.

Soon after this experience, the bear and I were hugging again and saying farewell till next time, again without words. Next, I was jumping on top of my wolf to return home.  The ride home was a peaceful stride that led to me coming back to awareness that I was meditating and what felt like a dream was not quite a dream at all.

I opened my eyes as tears streamed down my face as I was flooded with a feeling of a my now weightless self.  Something that I carried into that forest did not return with me and I knew that my intent had been heard and something that no longer serves me was no longer with me.

Bob Marley was still playing in the back ground and the beat of One Love combined with this new lighter me felt compelled to dance, so dance I did.  I must have been quite a sight to see, and how beautifully I didn't care who did see or hear me, in fact the world outside at his moment was of little consequence and had somehow taken on a new meaning to me.  A feeling that carried on into much of the day.

This morning was much the same, I woke and found that the computer was not an option and read a few chapters in this book that somehow speaks to me on very deep levels that I do not quite understand yet, I found myself laughing when I reached a part of the story that mentioned a wolf and bear spirit, and again was inspired to meditate.  While focusing on my breathing I fell into a deep state of relaxation and found myself stepping through that clearing in the place I had been in the forest where the wolf had carried me.  As I stepped into the clearing I was surrounded in light and instantly I could breath.  In fact I felt amazing, I was so moved that I woke up from this state in a kind of disbelief and found myself sitting here breathing clearly and no longer feeling the effects of the flu I have had for the past week.

I am still sitting here breathing clear and feeling symptom free.  I tried to go back to the clearing, however the moment had passed and I couldn't regain my level of relaxation in time before my phone beeped.  I read my message, realized it was nearly 6am and jumped in the shower to start my day as I had a 8 am phone meeting with the other leaders in my company to attend.  It was a great meeting that led to a phone call from one of my fellow presenters who engaged me in a most philosophical conversation that led to me writing this entry today.

We spent the better part of an hour on the phone talking about spiritual matters taking place in our lives right now, that led to us both recanting old lessons in life that have led us here to these current versions of ourselves and one lesson in particular was of particular interest to her, so much so she asked me if I could please write about it as she had never heard it quite put in the way I described it and she wanted to remember it.

So here I am, the lesson was one that was not so easy for me to understand for many years in my life.  My lack of understanding of this lesson led me to repeat years of painful endings to various relationships in my life.  The lesson of Karma and core intent.  I have spent most of my life with this deep belief that I didn't deserve love, and that the only way anyone could possibly love me was if I was of service to them in some way.  I spent my life helping others in various ways.  As a teenager I was the protector of many, if anyone messed with my friends who were mostly outcasts like myself I was the first to defend them, something I never really knew how to do for myself.  As an adult I continued this protector spirit by taking in others, by saving them when they had found their lives unmanageable.  I also helped others reach areas in their lives by doing the work for them.  I fixed lives, or so I thought.

The truth is that I never helped anyone in my life for the sake of helping, I helped everyone in my life so that they would need me and love me, I needed to be appreciated and that appreciation felt the closest thing to love I deserved to experience.  My core intent was self serving and my karma was paid back on that intent.  I used the example this morning in my conversation with Jana... let's say someone took me out on a date to dinner.  And I wanted to look like I don't eat much so I don't finish my plate and ask for a togo box.  Which in itself is hilarious because clearing my plate is something I have no issue with.  However for example sake, say we were walking out of the restaurant and I saw a homeless man sitting on the side and offered him my left overs, yet I did it to look good to my date.  Yes I have just fed the homeless which is a helpful act in itself, however my intent was self serving as I only did it to look good to my date.

It is not the act, but the intent that fuels the act, that karma is most concerned with.  My own soul work journey over the past two years of learning how to love myself, I have learned a lot about core intent and why it was that I created myself as a victim repeatedly in my life.  It was my self serving intent of wanting to be loved that led me to help others, not my intent to help others for the sake of helping.  So I attracted others to me who did not offer me what I didn't honestly believe I deserved anyways, and that was my belief that I do not deserve love.

She shared with me how she has also repeated this pattern at times in her life and in our sharing generalized stories we also recognized another way in which karma impacted us.  There have been times in my life where I have robbed others of their opportunity to fix their own life, and karma has always been happy to show me that. There have been many times in my life where I have helped others when I should have let them help themselves and in doing so created a resentment in them for me.

She asked what I meant by that, I explained that when we offer someone a hand out rather than a hand up, often they resent us later and for good reason.  If someone is not given the chance to do the work themselves deep down they can feel like a fraud of sorts, the part of the journey that is the most important part, which is the work we do to get from one place to the next is how we show ourselves we are capable.  When we by step that process and inject ourselves into their path and say here take this short cut they can often get to their destination and after the novelty of being there has worn off, the realization that someone helped them get there sets in and they feel as if they didn't earn it, which can lead to feelings of fear and doubt.  Fears and doubt that would have been addressed in the journey getting there had we not stepped in and done the work for them.

Those feelings of fear can turn to resentment as they feel that they don't deserve to be where they are and also feel that you know that.  It doesn't matter that you see them as capable and deserving, you didn't allow them to see themselves as capable and deserving and that is where karma comes into play.

I have learned in life that others doing the work on their paths is as important as me doing the work on my own is.  Today I am mindful of my old habits and when they come into my reality I remind myself of the work I have done to gain self love and release the need to be the fixer, savior or anything else in anyone's life unless the core intent is to help for the sake of helping and it is clear that my help is actually requested and warranted.

ღ Aloha Ke Akua 

It is good learning to dig deep, to peel back those layers of intent and getting to the core reason of our actions before taking action.  Having a honest and clear knowing of why it is I am going to do what I am going to do and assuring that my intent is for the good of all concerned, myself included has helped me build a great relationship with Karma today.  Karma is my friend, a close friend who still pops me on the head every once in a while and very quickly these days as repeat lessons come much quicker and much clearer than ones we have yet to understand.

I love you all from a place of gratitude for an amazing start to this beautiful Tuesday and more so for all the great lessons and rewards for seeking out these lessons that life is bringing me in the many different ways.  I am finding myself surrounded in a circle of the most amazing souls who are no doubt meant to be in my life and I in theirs.

One Love,
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1 comment:

  1. Gorgeous and meaningful! Thank you JoJo, for your earnestness and most genuine authenticity. I journey with you sister JoJo sweet wise woman person, gladly.