Thursday, March 27, 2014

They call me Big Mama!

I wasn't just lazy, that was part of it, but it was just a symptom of something so much deeper.  I know some people looked at me in my wheelchair and saw a fat girl who was lazy, they said in their own head that if I would just get my fat butt off the couch and go for a walk, if I just exercised some will power that I wouldn't have to be such a fat slob.  They missed something so much deeper.  Inside I was dying, inside I hated myself and had no reason to care about me.  They hadn't faced my battle, how could they have known there was something more underneath all those rolls.

I shared a story in our transformation group on Facebook last week, it was a homework assignment from my success coach.  I have been working with a success coach for two months now, one of my  exercise/homework is to name the part of me that self punishes with food. To write that part of me a letter. I sat down one morning last week to do this, with tears running down my face as pen touched paper I remembered some things from my childhood, events that shaped the relationship I have with food. I wanted to share this rather private letter with you all, I believe sharing is so empowering to us both.

I named her Honey, that part of me I wish to heal. I gave her a name that is nurturing and said with love,
I will continue to write, this letter is just the beginning of building a new relationship with this part of myself and with food....

Dear Honey, 03/21/14
You are so beautiful just as you are. And you deserve to know this truth. I feel that there is this part of you that self punishes and protects because you have been doing so for so long. What began in fear from a lack of and from humiliation became a learned behavior. I am here to help you realize that those times have long passed and show you that those fears are no longer needed so that together we can release them and be good to ourselves as one.

I remember how hurt we felt when humiliated in front of family and friends at the age of 8. It was Christmas and she called us fat, our mother told everyone not to let us eat the holiday food because we were fat and she was putting us on a diet.

Honey we were so young, and we didn't know that we were going through a growing spurt. What she said to us was not true, she was coming from her own place of fear and conditioned thinking given to her. We were not fat, we were so beautiful and had no one to teach us that about ourselves.

Gramms did the best she knew how to do, sneaking us food was her way of including us i the celebrations. She couldn't have know that day would teach us to hide and eat. She like many women in our family didn't believe she had a voice and she did the best she could to comfort you that day.

I can see now how that day birthed a life long cycle of comforting yourself with food in privacy/secrecy. You developed a relationship with food, it became your companion to soothe you, comfort you when hurt.
Grams didn't have a voice, Mom's voice often wounded us. Today you and I can recognize that they were both fighting their own internal battles handed down generation to generation in our family. Together, let's forgive them both today! Together lets release these past pains and know that we do have a voice and no longer use it wound our self.


Together let's build a new relationship with food. A healthy relationship, let us know the truth about ourselves, how truly deserving we are of love. Let's love the foods that love us too. Let the foods we eat be a life force to support us. Let us learn to eat with intent to nourish our mind, body and spirit.
We are no longer scared, all that we experienced when we were young taught us so much, helped to shape us, some of it told us lies about life and who we are, what we are capable of and today we get to rewrite that part of the story, we get to change what we learned from it all. I love you Honey, you are me and I am you, together we are whole.

I have been working on healing the parts of me over the past two years that were broken, the limiting beliefs that hold me back and keep me in a perpetual downward spiral in life.  Self image is a tough one for so many of us.  Even tougher is learning not to look outward in judgement to sooth what is broken inside.  We all do it.  We don't look deep within ourselves and fail to look beyond the covers of the books we see out there too.

I have learned that about myself.  I used to judge others and feel so justified doing so.  I didn't realize that all I was doing was putting a temporary band-aid on my own feelings about myself.  All the times I missed seeing the beauty in others because I saw no beauty in myself.

The truth is that the more I see my own shining beauty the more I see the beauty in others and often help them to see it in themselves by sharing my own journey to self love.  When we judge others, we are really just looking in the mirror at ourselves and pointing the finger.

They call me Big Mama
Today I am strong because I allow myself to be vulnerable.  I used to be weak and lived a lie of strength.  I am losing this weight today for the sake of getting healthy and all because I love myself enough to want a healthier life.  You see, it wasn't an issue of will power or just getting off the couch.  It was all about loving myself for who I am inside.  Facing the parts of me that were hurt and believed that I was less than.  Only in these courageous acts am I able to face the symptoms created by them.

I love you all from a place of loving myself right here and right now as I am, I am a big beautiful woman who carries her own, knows her inner beauty is bright and growing every day, from a place of loving you for who you are inside and seeing your bright light.

One Love,

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