Friday, March 28, 2014

To all my single ladies...

...and men too ;)

There was a time in my life, a lot of times in my life where I felt I needed to be with someone to be whole/complete.  Can you relate?

You see there was a piece missing, a big piece... ME!  Searching for someone to complete us when we are not complete ourselves leads us into relationships not always designed for our highest good.  We often merge with others who are also incomplete and themselves in search of something missing in them as well.  While we fill a void and in some cases even find just the right incomplete person so that we can both breath inspiration of completeness in each other, it is more likely than not that it does not end up that way.

I have come to the conclusion that I have never truly been in love in my lifetime.  What I thought was love was a degree of it, a limited love based more on a codependent need than love.  I didn't know what love was in my past relationships, how could I have?!  In order to truly be in love with another we must first be truly in love with ourselves.  Traveling on this One Love Journey the past couple of years I have begun to know love, true unconditional love.

Love is such freedom, freedom to grow, expand and spread our wings and fly.  Love is not ownership, love means I love you so much I want you to be happy and live out all your dreams even if that means without me.  When we are whole and complete we are not threatened by the growth of the ones we love, we encourage it, support it.

Sex is also not love, it is merely an expression of love when love is present.  It can also be a failed attempt to gain love and when used to feel loved it is usually just that, a failed attempt.  Intimacy when expressed in a relationship of love can be the most amazing connection, when expressed from a need to fill a void it is a temporary distraction from pain that can lead to even more pain.



Most of us have an image in our mind of what we want in a partner.  I was told to make a list of everything I want in a life partner and so I did.  I wrote a very detailed list.  Then I was instructed to go back over my list and check off how many of those details I also have/am.  I quickly understood where this was going, haha.

You see we often want a certain type of person in our lives yet forget to ask ourselves if we are the person that person would be also looking for in their life.  Many of us are looking for someone to save us, someone to motivate us.  We have yet to save ourselves or motivate ourselves.  Many of us are looking for someone to save, someone to motivate, we also have yet to save or motivate ourselves.

Living alone and being single for a the past couple years now I have spent a lot of time getting to know me.  I have this mirror I named Selfie.  Silly as it may sound I literally sit down to meals with Selfie, I have conversations with self in that mirror, we work a lot of things out together, haha.  I have discovered all these parts of me I didn't even know existed.  Recognized parts in me that were broken and began repairing them.  Also recognized parts in me that are brilliant, courageous, beautiful and amazing that I never acknowledged in past years.

Being single has been the best love affair of my life thus far.  I have developed a sense of completeness never before felt.  I had no idea that unconditional love felt like this, how could I have?!  I have begun to truly value my time, my space.  I no longer feel the need to fill it with a body, anybody just to not be alone.  I am never alone today, my Creator is here, my highest self is here, my guides are here with me each step of the way.  Oh yeah, and my cat Beau, he is here too.  In fact he came into my life a few months ago when I was praying for companionship.  I received the message loud and clear that there is still work to do here before I am ready for a deeper relationship with another and I listened.

We all want love in our lives, yet we spend most of our lives not even giving it to ourselves.  Some of us chronically addicted to codependent relationships, some of us eternally single and guarding our hearts from others to protect ourselves.  Both paths are such a disservice to our true purpose of being here, our purpose to love and be loved.  And it begins with self love.

Having had past relationships that were not based on true love, unconditional love I made a decision on this Journey to put all my focus and intent into loving myself and when the day comes that I am ready to love and be loved by another it will be the second true love of my life the first being God and Myself.  I am becoming the woman the man I am looking for would want in his life also.  I have also made the cemented decision that intimacy will not come before love again in my life.  Wanting a deeper connection for me means waiting for something more, having faith!

On my list of what I want in a man, at the very top was... "Spiritual Connection"  I understand now that when that happens it will happen and have no desire to rush it, or create it in my own mind.  Authentic unconditional love is all I will accept today because it is what I give to myself.

I am sure that many of you can relate to making someone who we want them to be in our own minds.  Trying to fit a square peg in a round hole and not letting go of our attempts until it ends badly.  Then wondering why this happened to us.  All along we refused to see the truth of who we were and who they were.  Mostly because we needed another to define us, rather than defining ourselves.

If you want to be loved, love yourself and you are loved.  If you want to give love, love yourself and you can't help but give love to others.  There is no need to rush into a relationship, no need to keep looking.  There is someone out there for you, your paths are already headed toward each other.  Every step you both take on your own journeys to self love brings you closer to each other.  Clearing away the rubbish in your own life clears the path guiding you effortlessly to them.

There is no timeline for love.  The timeline was created by us, by society.   When dating we think we are meant to follow a timeline of events to give us evidence of love being present.  We should date for an amount of time, then get engaged, then married.  Too often in a relationship we are so worried about the timeline created in our own mind that we actually push others away from naturally wanting the same things we want.  One partner pushes for marriage creating a tug of war as no one wants to feel pushed into something that should be natural and mutual.



I say throw all rules to the wind with the exception of one, the rule that we learn to love ourselves first.  To truly and without condition love ourselves so completely that we no longer need to be loved by another.  Then we are open to truly accept love from another and give it fully in return.

I love you all from a place of being in the best love affair of my life and celebrating you also beginning the best love affair of your own life.

One Love,
Lelania




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