Friday, July 11, 2014

Ask and you will receive!

So I have been battling this past week, after coming home from a week vacation in Tahoe, where I had so much fun and overly indulged in stuff I know makes my body hurt I have found myself struggling with getting back on track.

I have found myself pissed off a lot this week to keep it real.  Sometimes, no let me be honest here, a lot of times in this body I find myself screaming.... LET ME OUT!

You see inside of me there is this warrior, I was born that way.  I have never been one to be beat down for long.  However, in the issue of this body that warrior in me is so limited and I find myself feeling trapped in a prison of pain.  I go through phases about this, depression, then anger, then determination, then pain, then depression, then anger, then determination, then pain again.  It is a cycle and it hurts most days.

Now, let me clear up something real quick like.  I am not talking about my looks, I am a big woman, always have been, and I think I look good just like I am, I honestly forget that I am fat until it is pointed out to me, and then sometimes I feel sad about what other people see because I don't see that.

What I am battling with is mobility, health, the stuff that is important in living a life worth living in my own mind.  I am so strong inside, my body is not!  That is the battle.  I get that it takes time, I get that it is a process.  However, some days, most days the process gets to me and I get emotional and I give up for a moment, a moment that sets me back again.

I went to bed last night crying, I prayed as I closed my eyes, tears still streaming out of them onto my pillow...

God, can you help me with this battle.  I am in this place and I don't have to tell you about it because I know you are experiencing all of this with me, I just want to get out of this place and stay out.  Can you help me please, I am open to your help and ready to receive it. Thank you God, you rock and I love you so much.

Then I fell asleep trusting that he heard me.  I woke up at 4am, sat straight up and almost screamed out loud, it is going to be a great day, but remembered my family sleeping in the room down the hall.  Forgetting about my prayer, I was shocked I woke up so energetic and excited.  I started reaching out to new friends on Facebook, just letting it flow, not worried about my words, just speaking from my heart.  Once the sun was up and I could safely make some noise in the house, I plugged my head phones into my phone, loaded up Pandora and went to work, I danced for 45 minutes while cleaning the house, danced till the kitchen was clean and I could barely dance anymore, and then stood at the sink, hands on the counter, and danced for another 20 minutes holding on to balance me.  The window in front of me and I saw God all around me, sweat pouring down my face, panting (I couldn't hear it, hahah, my head phones were on full blast, my brother came in and said... Your panting girl)  It hurt, I hurt, my face was covered in a combination of sweat and tears.  Tears because I wanted to go further and my legs were protesting strongly.

I worked out today!  It hurt, hurt a lot but I did it and I
will do it again tomorrow, yes I will!
Looking out that window, dancing, sweating, crying I heard the voice inside my soul say, how does it feel... It feels great!... Yes, it does, doesn't it?! Yes, it does!

This conversation went on in my head, and turned into a whole dialog that propelled me to go further, I laughed, I cried some more.  And the conclusion I came to is that YES it hurts, but it hurts to be stuck in this body and not do all the things I want so badly to do, so, so badly to do.

I said... I can do this!  The voice replied... YES YOU CAN!  I replied, I AM SAFE, the voice replied... YES YOU ARE!

Post workout shake, today is going to be great!
So you understand what that means to me, being safe... I am scared to lose my legs again, scared to be back in a wheelchair, I love walking, I can't do a lot of it, but I can do more than before.  I have this fear of losing my legs due to an injury, one wrong step and I will not be walking for a while and have to get these knees replaced now.  The thought of being dependent on others again is such a big fear for me, HUGE!

Losing my independence is fear, I have some work to do on facing that fear, I have gotten better about letting others help me, this blog is proof of that, I share my deepest things here, some of them anyways, I push myself to tell my story knowing someone will read it and that has been hard to do some days for a girl who likes to appear strong in all areas.  The truth is that I am not always strong and my body is not very strong at all, not yet anyways, NOT YET!

What I know this morning, is that God is with me, in me, is me and I do not need to fear any of this, because in the big picture, I am so much more than this body, I chose this body and there had to be a good reason for that, so today I am choosing to make that reason.... SO THAT I COULD CHALLENGE MYSELF TO BE BIGGER, STRONGER, MORE CAPABLE THAN MY BODY, THAN I EVER BELIEVED I COULD BE!

That is what I am choosing today!

I love you all from a place of raw, honest, rambling about it.  This is where I am right now, and today I am deciding to go somewhere else!

One Love,

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