|I love you Lavada, thank you for sharing your life with me, always being there, no matter what!|
|Stella, you showed me myself, you were the beginning of my new path|
everyday in every way I am filled gratitude for the gift that you are
You are my Why, I am changing it all because you helped me to love me!
The decision made sense to me, because I knew that I had said a prayer the morning of the day she was conceived, not just any prayer, "The Prayer", my First prayer ever, real prayer anyways. Sure I had prayed in a bargaining sense over my life... God if you give me this, I will give you that! Never any belief behind it, because the truth was that I didn't believe God could love me, yes I thought myself that special that even God couldn't love me, I was the one person on the planet unworthy of his love. When I really wanted to ask God for help, I called my Grandmother, believing she had a direct line to God and could on my behalf ask for me what I dare not ask for my undeserving self. By this time in my life my Grandmother had passed and was not here to assist me, or so I thought.
|I wouldn't change any of it! All of it was perfect, you are perfect!|
There at one of the weakest moments of my life, when all I wanted was to be loved, love was created and her name is Stella, she is my daughter, she was the beginning of my new path. I knew this from moment one. Before I even knew she was growing in me I knew something was different, everyone thought I was crazy, losing my mind. I could speak to nature, nature could speak to me, my entire pregnancy. I cannot leave this out, think me crazy if you will, that is fine, however that does not change what was, and it was amazing. A tree would call to me in pain, I would find a nail in it and remove it, another would call to me and I would find metal wire entangled around it's trunk and remove it and the tree would thank me. The flowers on the side of the road where I slept some nights in my truck would smile at me in the morning and tell me everything was perfect and as it should be. This was my experience and I cannot discount it, she gave me this gift for 10 months, I can still sense the leaves on the trees waving at me, the sensation somewhat faded, yet still there in the smallest ways as the biggest reminder to me that I got my new path and that all prayers are answered when we listen.
Jamie is an Italian Catholic who spent the previous years doing my hair trying to save my soul, she would wait until she got me under the suds and deliver her messages to me from God. I always giggled and humored her. I appreciated her attempts at saving my soul, but deep down I knew the truth that she did not know, God couldn't love me. So I knew that God couldn't be sending messages to me via her. However, I loved her for trying to do what she felt was God's work while washing my hair and she was the best hair stylist I have ever had so she could have been telling me that unicorns had messages for me and I would have been an attentive listener. Hey, any woman reading this will understand me on this... We will drive miles, pay any price and endure any conversation for the best hair stylist, we will!
This visit began the same, as the suds lathered so did her voice... "JoJo, God came to me in a dream, he told me that you are pregnant." (Well, I do show early, maybe she noticed?!) "He has given you the path that you asked for" Shocked, tears began to stream down my face. For the first time, in that moment, I realized, I knew, that God indeed was speaking to me. How could she have known I asked for a new path? Confused I sat trying to regain my composure and stop the tears from flowing as she went on... "You are going to walk this path alone, you must, but you are never alone, he is with you every step of the way" Alone? Well I am certainly alone now, alone in my decision to keep her (I knew she was a her from day one, I could see her face, her eyes, her curls flowing down her face, I knew her before she was born) She continued on... "Your ministry is going to be vast JoJo, but not in your time JoJo, in His!
I was so shocked I had no reply, I sat and listened as she repeated... Remember JoJo, not in your time, but in his.
As I drove away and continued on my drive to Santa Cruz, hair looking fabulous by the way, haha, my eyes swollen from the many tears that still streamed down my face, I was filled with hope. I was overjoyed, the tears were not tears of sorrow, there were tears of Joy. Joy at the realization that God is real, and he spoke to me, me of all people, he spoke to me! I had a path! I had a purpose and though I was alone, he was with me. For the first time in my life I hungered for more of Him realizing that he actually spoke to me, me!
|Happy 3rd Birthday Baby|
|You are a Miracle|
|I love you Lavada!|
I sat there crying and this leaf comforted me... everything is as it should be, you are not alone, you are never alone, I have not forsaken you.... The words Jamie said that day rang in my heart and mind... You are going to walk this path alone JoJo, but you are never alone, he is with you every step of the way, you are never alone. In that moment I realized, I knew with everything inside of me that God was in that leaf and I was not alone.
|We are never lost, we simply forget. We forget who we are, so that|
we can remember, remember who we are! How awesome is that!
Along the way I have discovered I was never lost, I was always on my path. I learned that I am not learning at all, I am remembering who I am, with each step I remember who I am. I am love! You are love! There is nothing in our lives that can change that which we are. We are Created by the One who IS LOVE! There is nothing else, all of this is perfectly designed by us because sometimes to get to who you are, you have to go right through who you are not.
I love you all from a place of gratitude for being allowed to share this very personal moment with you today. I love you all from a place of knowing that I am you and you are me, that we are love! God created us that way and how cool is that!