Thursday, July 3, 2014

When Conditioning ENDS and Creating BEGINS!

Lake Tahoe 2014
This has been a deep couple of weeks for me, emerged deeply into the book I just finished this morning while watching the sunrise over Lake Tahoe.  For anyone seeking answers, anyone who gets excited by literature that causes you to question everything you ever thought you knew about life, every teaching you have ever had on the things that matter most, like who you are, this is a book worth it's weight in gold and then some.

I have included a link for those who wish to read it.  Enjoy, it is in joy that I share this with you.

The Complete Conversations With God by Neil Donald Walsh

Flash lightening and thunder storm, it was beautiful.
Admittedly, I spent my life as one of us who took no real responsibility for the state of not only our world as a whole, but for the state of my world.  I know I have talked much about this and that is because it is a lesson worth sharing repeatedly as well as one I have worked hard to truly understand, understand at a much deeper level than intellectually accepting my own responsibility in creating the life I live, but getting to a place of every fiber of my being owning my power in creating the life I want to live.  It truly is a process, at first there is this... "wait a minute, you mean I am responsible for all of this?"  That step on the journey is a tough pill to swallow at first.  You want to accept it because deep down inside of you, there is this desire to own the power that comes with this truth.  The power comes from knowing that if you are responsible for it all, than you actually have the power to change it all.  To get to the place of creating change, one must first fully accept responsibility for creating it.  That part was the hardest for me, being that I lived my life in survival mode as a victim in my own mind.

Headed for the lake, good times, great memories!
I am sure some of you can relate to this challenging beginning.  We have been conditioned to take no responsibility for any of it, taught to believe that it is all out of our hands, raised believing that things happen to us.  Accepting that we chose and created it all takes some work and with that work comes some feelings of guilt.  When I got to and get to the parts where guilt arises in me a level of self love and forgiveness is all that is needed.  The truth is that we did the best we could at every stage in our lives.  Yet we walk around with these black clouds of regret and resentments over our heads.  I learned to accept that it is not about right and wrong, it is all experiences that gave me the opportunities to decide who I was, who I am and who I want to become.

I love you so much Sean
I am up here chilling on Lake Tahoe for the week, vacationing with family.  The view is truly majestic, I have spent most of my time here either enjoying looking out at the lake from this amazing balcony I am sitting on right now while I talk to you, or swimming in that beautiful lake with my family.  In my moments of solitude up here, early in the morning just as the sun starts to climb over the mountains, I have found myself connected to this land in ways hard to express in words.  I am not the only one who has felt it, this connection, this clarity about the beauty of this land and our place in it.  My nephew Sean sat with me on our first night here as we watched the sun set on the lake and its surrounding mountains took on new colors of violet and layers of blue, he said the most profound words to me... "We are so ignorant to believe this all belongs to us".  He is such a sweet soul, at his young 20 years he spends much time trying to figure things out, not the usual things you would expect a 20 year old to contemplate, but deep stuff that even blows my mind.  I have gained some deep life lessons just in conversation with him.  

My awesome sister and fantastic nephew!!
This vacation has been one of great conversations, many laughs, lots of physical activities that have left me exhilarated and sore all at once.  Feeling so blessed that I can do more today than yesterday, and eager to do more.  Yet I still have my moments of battle with being better to myself, the road feels so long and I have to remind myself that I did not get here over night.  I spent years taking my body for granted, my health for granted, this planet for granted. 

 I can easily slip back into the victim state of mind and do some days.  That is why I stand by the process of it, remind myself and you that this is about progress not perfection.  Perfection is overpowering, progress is empowering.  

My nieces
Yesterday I had to sit it out, the family went on a 3 1/2 mile hike up Squaw Valley to swim and enjoy lunch.  I am just not there yet.  Part of me was excited to take a day of rest, finish my book, and just chill.  However, there was still that part of me, that little voice of disappointment and discouragement that cried.  Tears streamed down my face as I sat on the balcony reading a post from someone who was talking about their alarm at seeing so many obese people on the beach.  I read the comments from others who laughed at and mocked fat people going to the beach, saw the complaints about having to foot the medical bills of those who don't take care of themselves.  It hurt, I had just spent several days at the beach not even giving a second thought to anyone looking at me with alarm or feeling appalled at my having the nerve to put on a bathing suit and go have fun with my family and here it was, smack right into my reality that some who saw me might have shared in these feelings and that hurt.  I felt like a child again, one who does not feel shame until it is pointed out to me that I should for this or that reason be ashamed.  I began talking to God and asked why this is such a battle for me, why is losing weight so hard, why do I self punish still?  The words that streamed into my mind and heart were... "you have yet to love yourself as you are".  

Life is a beach, live it!  Let nothing stop you from enjoying your life!
Thank you Beautiful Sister, I love you so much

I cried some more, the tears came from a different place because deep inside I know this is true.  I felt that little girl inside of me, saw her looking to me for acceptance and approval and I held her in my arms and promised to love her as she is in all her magnificence.  When my sister came home she shared her day with me and I with her.  

She hugged me and said, I didn't see anyone looking at you like that honey and I would not let the realization that some might change one thing about you, you have had such a great week and anyone who would discourage you is only discouraged themselves about their own lives.  Keep doing you JoJo, keep owning you, you are an inspiration to so many, remember that.

One Love Baby
Her words felt like warn hot cocoa with marshmallows on top, sweet!  I sat watching the sunset and thought on this deeper.  I asked myself what impact I want to have on myself and others.  Is it that if you work hard you can lose weight?  No, that is not what I want to convey to you, or to myself.  That is the obvious.  Yes if we work hard we can lose weight but that cannot be my message because what I am learning is so much more and that is what I want to share with you.  It is not about losing weight and fitting into societies view of what healthy, sexy, worthy is.  It is about fitting into the body you are in right now, the body I am in right now.  Loving ourselves just as we are, knowing our worth to be so much deeper than appearances.  It is about not feeling too fat, too skinny, too short, too tall, etc... It is about feeling perfect right now, loving every part of ourselves.  And I realize right here and now I still have more work to do on this.

We are perfect just as we are!
I received a very inspiring text message from a friend I love so much this week.  She wrote: "JoJo, I think you are even more amazing now than I thought you before, and that is a lot.  You have shown me over and over it is OK to reinvent yourself.  You inspire so many and I love you for that."  Thank you Rena, my heart is filled with gratitude for your words.  You have inspired me so much in our friendship and I am so happy you are in my life.  

I have learned on this journey many things, where I used to think I was finding myself I now know I am creating myself.  Where I used to think this was earth school and I was here to learn lessons and pay for past life and current life mistakes I now understand that I am here to remember who I am and find my way home to God through that remembrance.  I now understand that I am creating myself with every breath and can create myself and this life to be whatever I wish it to be.  I have learned to stop in each now moment and ask myself who I want to be in relation to the current moment/situation. 

I love you all from a place of conditioning ending and creating beginning and so excited at the truth of it all.  I celebrate your path, your journey to creating you and the life you wish to live.  I hope that sharing this all with you, touches you in some way that inspires you to also share with others your journey.  I believe now more than ever that we are all connected, all one and sharing with each other is a way to manifest this knowing in ways that eliminate the illusion of separatism and create a new world for us all.

One Love,

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