Saturday, August 16, 2014

Thank you Robin Williams~

My Success Coach gave me a homework assignment a couple of weeks ago, he told me to journal everyday one thing I love about myself.  That week I did so three out of seven days.  At our next meeting we talked about that, and he gave me another homework assignment, he told me to journal everyday about why I am worthy and let me know that if I did not complete this homework assignment he would not meet with me the following week.  I journaled 5 out of 7 days.  We didn't meet!

When I got the message that he was not going to meet with me the following morning, I broke into tears, I began hyperventilating, shocked that I was responding that way reading his message, in my upset state I quickly became overcome with a calm feeling of gratitude as I read his next message... I cannot be more committed to you than you are to yourself, but know that I love you!

He did me the greatest service by holding me accountable.  He knows me well, if he were to give me an assignment that included doing something for someone else I would have been all over it, but doing it for myself is another story, one he is helping me rewrite.  So far this week I am 5 for 5 with two more days to go to assure I get my meeting with him next week.  I really missed my weekly meeting with him and have been determined not to blow it this week.

To be honest, the first four days were pretty superficial, not that I didn't say some great stuff to myself about why I am committed to me, I did.  However, I didn't really feel what I wrote.  Today was different, today I got really honest.  Today I cried, laughed and cried some more.

There has been something happening to me, an internal battle that is growing and growing, feeling as if it is consuming me.  I have found myself at moments alone in a space of wishing I was not here anymore.  I have opened up to a few about this recently, today I opened up to myself and discovered something that is going on.  The best way for me to explain this is to share my journal entry with you.  In the hours that have passed since writing this entry my mind has been flooded with emotions and realizations, then a calming voice that said... This is the journey to self love.

It is important for me to share this, this time I am doing so for myself.  It almost feels as if a declaration to myself, I am feeling emotions of fear, mixed with release and freedom just from the admittance of these very deep parts of myself.

Saturday August 16th, 2014
Hello Saturday, So I don't feel good this morning.  I feel hot and dizzy.  Maybe it is the two cups of coffee or menopause.   Emotionally I am good, I delivered a great training this morning and I feel good about that.  My sister made me breakfast and delivered it to me while preparing for my training, she said... I know you won't eat on time because of your call Sister, so I made you breakfast, set your alarm for 10am so you remember to eat your snack, today we are taking care of us Sister!  I am so grateful that she cares about me so much and to always be blessed with her love.  I cannot imagine my life without her, and I know she feels the same about me, so today I want to commit to wanting to be here for her.  I never want to hurt her and these deep feelings I have been having lately of longing to go home, to be a soul again would hurt her and so many others who love me, if I were gone, and I know these feelings of not wanting to be here effect me on a deep cellular level.  

I wonder why deep down I long so strongly to be a soul again, where this is coming from.  I have so much to be grateful for, so many great things happening in my life.  I am successful in so many areas, why then do I sit in silence and pray to be with God again, why do I cry and ask God to take me out of this body.  There it is JoJo... "This Body".  

Being in this body hurts, hurts on emotional and physical levels.  Why did I choose this body? What was I thinking? What did I expect to learn from being in this body?

Maybe if I can change my focus to what I have learned, what I have gained from living this life in this body, then maybe I can appreciate this body and stop killing it with my thoughts about it.

What have I gained from being in this body?

(At this point of my journaling I was stumped, I sat trying to think of what I have gained being in this body, and the answers to this question were not coming to me initially, I started sobbing as frustration built up inside of me, becoming angry that I couldn't just think of something, I almost closed my journal, this was just too much.  Then something happened, I looked at the pen in my hand and the paper patiently waiting for me to continue and said out loud... This is bullshit!  I know I have gained something from being in this body, knock it off and just write about it!)

♥ I have an amazing personality that has shined bright because I have not lived superficially putting all my value in my looks, so I have learned a deeper value of myself and others.
♥ I have learned not to judge others based on their outer appearance.
♥ I have at times in my life overcame the limitations of my body
♥ I didn't let this body stop me from living an active life as a mother and wife. I went to the lake, I went to the beach in this body and I swam in a bathing suit in this body with my friends and family, I laughed in the water with this body. I danced in this body, and I got down on the dance floor with this body like nobodies business.
♥ I have learned that I am not just a body in this body, I am a three part being, I am a soul having a human experience in this body, I know that I chose this body.
♥ This body has taught me compassion for others that live in pain, allowing me to care on a very deep level when they are sick or in pain.
♥ I have done a good job of dressing this body, I have been sexy in this body, I have been desired in this body, I have had a lot of great sex in this body.
♥ I am loved by so many in this body, others open up to me in this body, come to for comfort and inspiration in this body.
♥ I have loved in this body, loved wholly, completely and unconditionally.
♥ This body has served me in many ways.

Maybe, these are all the reasons I chose this body.  Are these all the gifts this body has blessed me with? When I look at it this way I can see how I chose well in choosing this body and how blessed I am to have lived in this body.  I think my fear is that it is too late, that I have done too much harm to my body by not loving it, not appreciating it.  I have been very hard on my body and never said thank you to my body for putting up with me and my neglectful ways.  Never stopped to say, hey body I love you, thank you for working for me even though I am not working for you.

I now understand that will power is not the problem, that kind of thinking goes against my body, tells me that I should deprive my body, that me and my body are at odds, tells me that my body doesn't deserve enjoy treats.  No, depriving my body and will power are not the solution, they are the problem.  

I think I am beginning to understand that the solution is learning to love and appreciate my body right now and learning to be thankful for all that living in this body has gifted me. That is where I want to be, I want to be in a space of full gratitude and unconditional love for my body with no regrets and no resentment.

More so now than ever I feel so much pressure to look a certain way.  to play a certain roll and that pressure is turning into hate for my body.  Where I didn't hate or judge my body before, I am now.  I feel constantly aware of how others might see me, so much pressure to present myself in the image I think I am supposed to embody.  The more I share my journey the more pressure I feel to show results, an expectation in my own mind to look better that is creating this realization that I don't look good enough now.  I have never resented my body more than I do now.

Why am I losing myself? Why am I taking all this on? Why now am I questioning my worth based on my looks, my weight?  How can I change this? Choose not to accept these new lies I am telling myself, lies that tell me that to gain love, to be worthy of the success I am creating in my life I have to be losing weight or none of it counts.  How can I help others to love themselves as they are if my doing so creates a loss of love for myself as I am now?  These are good questions.

How did I get here to this place on my journey of self love? A place where I have set new conditions on myself, on loving myself?

Okay Self, lets evaluate this, let's break this down... What are the lies you are letting play out in your mind, the tape you are running?

1) People expect me to lose weight!
Why is this a lie?
Well, first how do I know what people expect, I don't!
And even if their expectations are what I fear, why is that any of my concern, why would someone elses expectations of me matter to me?  Others opinions of me are none of my business!

2) To be successful I have to look successful!
Why is this a lie?
What does being a success look like?
Whose definition of success are you basing this on JoJo?
Success is not a size, it is not measured in numbers on a scale.
What is success? What does success look like?
♥ Success looks like a smile!
♥ It looks like joy, happiness, freedom!
♥ Success is a life of love, being and giving love.
♥ Success is loving myself and others just the way we are without judgement.
♥ Success is looking fear in the face and embracing love to move past it.

I have been really torn up by Robin Williams suicide, too many in my life this past year have taken their own life.  I look at Robin Williams life, he was everything that we as a society see as a success, he had it all. Everything that we believe will make us happy and make us able to say our lives are a success.  I have read so much outpouring of love on social media, I have also seen judgments shared... How could he do it, he had it all, statements based in ignorance that should be clues about how misguided we are as a society, how misguided we all are in our search for living a happy life, a successful life.

I didn't know Robin Williams, but I know that he gave of himself so selflessly, maybe he felt pressured too? To millions of us he gave us the gift of laughter.  Any one of us who would choose to call him selfish for choosing to go home to love is missing his last gift, and greatest gift to us all...

A chance to see more clearly what we call success. An opportunity to evaluate our social and personal definitions of success, of joy, of happiness.  He gifted us a glimpse into where we have failed ourselves and each other. Knowing this will I accept this gift? Will I stop telling myself these lies and begin telling myself the truth?

Yes I will!  I will starting right now!  Here is the truth...
I am beautiful now!
I am successful now!
I don't have to lose one single pound to be either of these truths.
My success is not dependent on a future weight, or a future gain.
I deserve to enjoy my daily successes now, I do not need to be an certain weight, look any certain way to celebrate my huge accomplishments as a person, I am becoming a better human being!

Because if I cannot be successful at being completely in love with myself as I am now and every day forward, then what is the point to success! Cars, houses, things are not alive, but my body is alive. And I deserve to live happy now, my alive body deserves to feel loved by me, appreciated by me!


So there it is!  This is the rawest part of me.  I was scared to share this, I almost didn't share it.  I sat with it, then I took a drive and cried, then I laughed, I sang.  And then I asked myself, what if? What if we all said how we really feel, what we are really afraid of, what if we stopped trying to look a certain way and got real about who we are and what really makes us happy.  What if?  

I knew then that I had to share this, I had to for me!  I needed to say how I really feel, I needed to declare my truths here for all to see.  The truth is that I don't want to care about how I look to a degree where it consumes me and buries me in self hate.  The truth is that I have been lying to myself, not allowing myself to honestly enjoy my accomplishments, shadowing them with this pending pressure to catch my body up to where my soul has grown to.  Today I realized that I am the one pressuring myself.  So today that ends, today I begin anew, no more pressure, no more diets, just love.  I just want to love myself as I am, in that I can begin to treat me better.  I know this logically, now it is time to know this on a much deeper level.  

I want to be successful at being alive, at loving my life!  I want to be successful at helping others do the same, how can I do that if I am waiting until I can wear a certain size to celebrate my own success, I cannot.  In coaching others I do not tell them to feel good about themselves when they reach a goal... I help them to see what I see in them now and to celebrate that!  We all deserve that, I deserve that, to be who we are and love ourselves as we are.  To say out loud how we really feel, to reach out and share the truth, receive the truth.

I love you all from a place of gratitude for being able to open up here and release all of this.  It is in saying it out loud that we see it more clearly, that it no longer owns us and we begin the process of letting go.

One Love,

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