Sunday, March 15, 2015

A blast from the past...

I am so excited to celebrate your birthday today baby Brandon, you are my
heart, my joy and bring so much laughter and love into my life.
I pulled into Sacramento on a weekend trip to visit and celebrate my grandsons birthday, got checked into my hotel and met up with an old friend to go to dinner.  We decided on a celebration dinner as we have both been working hard on our new lifestyle eating and work outs and both had great results.  Being lobsterfest at Red Lobster it seemed like the perfect choice, and it was, hahaaaaaa.  I worked as a server at Red Lobster for years.  A big part of my life was spent on the floors of both of the Sacramento Red Lobsters back in the 90s.  We chose the Citrus Heights location as it was closer to the hotel.

We sat laughing, talking, celebrating over lobster tails and shrimp. I looked up and to my surprise I saw her.  Her being the woman my husband left me for 13 years ago.  She was waiting on the section next to us.  My friend noticed the shocked look on my face and he said do you know her?  I smiled and said yes I do, she is the woman my ex husband left me for, I didn't know she had transferred to this store, she used to work at the others store, we all did, my ex, me and her.  So you knew her he asked?  Yes, we all knew each other, and I laughed, he laughed with me, we both sat there laughing till our bellies hurt.  Not a malicious laugh, rather a knowing laugh.

My heart was filled with so much gratitude in that moment, there was not an ounce of pain, not a speck of anger, regret or resentment in that moment, there was only gratitude and joy.  I wanted to get up and give her the biggest hug and say thank you, thank you for the role you played in my life.  A few years ago I wouldn't have felt this way, no not at all.  A few years ago I would have felt much differently.

Everything is connected and when we put all the pieces of the puzzle together
we see the beautiful masterpiece that is our life.
The timing couldn't be better to be honest, as I just finished my 3rd of 4 sessions on a cover up tattoo on my chest, covering up my ex husbands name has been a long time coming.  At this point on my journey I was ready to put that part of my past behind me with love and I took much time and thought in choosing my cover up art work, every thought that went into this was fueled with gratitude and love, not with regret because I have come to a place in my life now where I see how it all connected and brought me to where I am today, who I am today.

The past 13 years was no cake walk, I walked away from that marriage with nothing, and no desire to fight over any of it.  Starting over has always been a strong suit of mine anyways as I was conditioned from early childhood to be very talented at starting over.  I spent most of those years in a downward spiral, broken deeply over being abandoned in the way I was.  My self worth was destroyed, my trust in myself shattered.  I choose worse and worse relationships as if punishing myself for not being enough for him.  It was a long process and a lot of struggle.  My heart was filled with much hate for him for so long for hurting me like that after 11 years of marriage.

Through all that pain and all the bad choices that pain dictated in my life I reached bottom a few years ago, I had no where to go but up from there, my only other option in my mind at the time was six feet under.  I chose up and did the unthinkable, I began this journey.  I sold and gave it all away and got my RV, One Love and left my life behind completely.  So many thought I was crazy that first year, hahaaaaa.  I suppose it looked crazy from the outside looking in, from my view it was the first time in my  life I was making a choice that was about me, for me.  And you all know the rest of the story to date.

The truth is that I would not be where I am today had it all not happened.  I would not be who I am today had my life not happened in the exact way it happened.  All the way back to my childhood.  It all taught me, shaped me, created me and led me to this place of self creation.  A place where I learned that I created it all, all of it!  And in that understanding the truth became so visible to me, in that surrender I gained full control to decide where to go next in life.

I believe that all the players in my life who at one point I believed caused me the greatest pain are my best soul friends.  That pain was the pressure that turned coal to diamond how could I not be filled with gratitude today for that.  Its funny how most of our lives we want to take credit for all the good that we accomplish and give credit to others for all the bad things we think, say and do.  When the truth is that we played a role in it all, the starring role.  We made choices in it all and in fact it was the pain and heartache that rendered the greatest changes in us, even if not initially.

I believe that when I chose to be here on earth I said I want to experience pain and joy, beautiful souls stepped up and agreed to play out different roles in my life that would give me the experiences I wanted.  Those who played out the roles that gifted me the pain that shaped me deeply are my best soul friends, they played the hardest roles.  It cannot be easy to play the role that causes pain, yet they kept their promise to me. And in realizing that I have not only forgiven them, I have forgiven myself for the pain I have also caused others in my life.  Because let's keep it real, we have all wronged and been wronged for lack of a better term.  Today I do not really see right and wrong, rather I see what serves my goals and what does not.

I am the strong activist spirit I am today because of my childhood, I am resilient and resourceful, I am strong and capable of facing anything today.  I am deeply grateful to all my best soul friends today for all that they gifted me and look forward to laughing together on the other side one day.

Here I am three years into this journey of living a life of purpose on purpose, of loving myself,  I am at a monumental part of my career, I have broken through my money blueprint, I am a role model to others of what self love looks like as I share my journey openly with others and I am close to finishing my book.  I am coaching others, I am leading the way into financial freedom for many, I am an Entrepreneur, successful, happy, complete and whole.  I owe a great debt of gratitude to everyone in my life for the valuable roles you all played.  My heart is full of so much love for you all and I regret or resent none of it today.  That my friends is the most amazing place to be, I feel free, I feel as if I could fly right out of this hotel window into the vast sky and circle the world singing praise for it all.

Feeling the joy, the pain does not live here
anymore and that really rocks!
I promised some of my Facebook friends I would tell the story of my cover up tattoo on my blog soon, so last nights encounter could not have come at a better time, because I know now in my heart of hearts that I have truly released all the pain and filled up the spaces it occupied with love and gratitude.  And that my friends truly rocks!

This tattoo is very significant to me, I am about 14 hours into it being complete and one more session should do the job.  I am so happy this all happened because that next session will be the best one yet, I am sure of that now.  I expected when I began this that I would release any pain I still carried on the table, I was ready to embrace the pain of the tattoo gun like a boss and with each second consciously choose to see it as the pain being released from within.  To my surprise there was nothing to come up, I laughed a lot during the sessions, yes of course there was physical pain, but not like I expected and this is not my first tattoo, obviously as it was a cover up job.









I realized in my first session that there was no internal pain as I laughed on the table from the pain.  I told my little sister that I had a realization on that table that I have nothing I am holding onto from my marriage or how it ended, so seeing her was a great confirmation of that and gave me such a sense of peace, filling my heart with gratitude for who I have become and seeing the value in the role she played.




Thank you Mike Espinoza for taking your time with this, for creating from your heart, for listening to me and hearing my story. Thank you for your beautiful art work and truly creating what I truly wanted.  You are appreciated and you rock!

Perfect, because my tattoo meaning is all about the transformation and letting go of the past.  The tree of life represents the past and the future.  The left being the past, the leaves are gone, I have let go.  The right side the future and I chose cherry blossoms in honor of Stella who truly was the beginning of my new path, my wake up call into where I was headed and who I was choosing to be.  The caterpillar on the left was me, And today I have forgiven myself for not knowing what I hadn't learned yet.  The butterfly on the right is me flying into the future.  The Ram is me, strong Aries spirit looking directly into the now, the only place we have any power to change our life and the only place that matters because everything is happening in the now.  The circle of life connects it all in a beautiful whole, so none of it is regretted or resented, it is all valuable, I chose it all, it is all divine, I am divine, you are all divine and we are all connected as one with our creator who saved my life.

The Best is here, it always was, it all is now and now is all.   I love you life!
I love you all from a place of so much joy for my life, this beautiful life.  I encourage you to look upon your life and heal.  See your best soul friends and thank them for keeping their promise to play out roles that gifted you the pain that you wanted to experience in this life, the pain that shaped you in some way, likely not the way it will until you own it and when you do you will see like I have seen how it truly shaped you.  You will no longer feel pain over it, you will be filled with gratitude and love.  And that my friends is the greatest realization of all.  We wanted it, we experienced it and when we surrender to that truth we are gifted the best feeling of gratitude we've ever known.

One Love,
Lelania







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