|I don't need to forget where I have been because|
it has led me to where I am, and where I am going!
We sat reminiscing over memories stirred up from a video I made during my visit to Oahu. A video where I shared a personal part of myself, my life and my history. An unexpected realization that occurred in Hawaii, likely triggered by the scent of flowers and tropical fruit mixed with the warm ocean breeze, memories of a time past rushed into me one morning, memories of a time in our life when things were challenging, scary and unsure. A part of our story that played out in 1980 while we lived on Maui in the foster care system.
As I sat with my beautiful little sister on my first night home, she shared with me how watching that video impacted her deeply, and shared one memory that has stayed with her all these years, standing out from the many she can recite so effortlessly where I have blocks of memories hidden in me, forgotten accidentally on purpose.
Tears welled up in both our eyes as she shared this memory... I will never forget, we were standing in the hallway, I had just joined you in Hawaii after mom went into program. I didn't know how bad it had been for you until that night. She was coming down the hall with the whip to hit me, I was terrified, and you stepped in front of me and stood between us and told her she would never hit me. She beat you for what felt like the longest time, till you layed on the floor with your hands over your head, and you never screamed out, you just took it. I stood there scared for you and safe all at the same time, and I knew she would not hit me. You were always that sister for me JoJo, I have always been safe because of you. I remember when she made us take cold showers to punish us, I hated the cold water, you looked at me and said strongly, get in the water Tamar and don't you dare let her see you cry, don't give her that pleasure. Cold showers are better for you, I take them all the time, Then she made us sleep on the cold hard floor under the fan in our underwear with no pajamas. You slid your arm under my head to give me a pillow and wrapped your body around me and whispered... Don't cry sister, don't give here the satisfaction, I will keep you warm, we are okay because we have each-other, I am here don't be scared.
She taught me to be strong for someone else, because my childhood taught me I had no worth, no one to protect me, I was not loved. If I had not learned to be strong for someone else, then who could I have been strong for? I hated me, I would have never found the strength in me to be that strong for myself, for her I found that strength and more. I am so grateful for her today.
|Freedom from the past comes in surrender to embracing it all as part of the|
whole that is this extraordinary life!
It felt good to say that and mean it! Today I want to dedicate this song to my sister for the millionth time! Because I will never leave her side, not when she needs me anyways. And to say thank you little sister for helping me remember, today I have realized that I have always been strong for others, and now I know I can be strong for me, today I can be strong for me, because I deserve to love myself that much too. Seeing you brave all on your own today makes my heart smile, seeing you own your joy, becoming the woman all the parts of our past made you into makes me jump for joy. I love you always in all ways sister, always!
I love you all from a place of celebration of 46 years of an extraordinary life, with gratitude for being able to share it with you and for excitement for what comes next, if you thought I was strong before stay tuned because this is about to get really good!