Thursday, July 16, 2015

I'm in Love again!

Do you remember when you were a child and everything was an adventure? Everything was new, each experience provided stimulus for our minds, excited our spirits and grew our love for life, we craved more and more. Do you remember the last time you felt that way, felt excited about something new, craved more, cried before bed because you might miss something, woke up jumping out of bed, excited?

As my RV was pulled away a few weeks ago I felt a pang of sadness.  I felt great about knowing it was going to another young soul to provide housing.  However, a sense of sadness overcame me as I felt like I was saying goodbye to my freedom, saying goodbye to the open road. I told myself it would be an incentive to get that 40 foot coach, the kind of RV dreams are made of.

Over the past 8 months as I have settled into "home living" there has been so much gain and some sense of loss.  At first this house felt so exciting, it is huge built like two houses in one really and there is much to explore inside and outside, equipped with a pool, two garden areas, RV storage, a garage, and plenty of room for my sister, her kids and I to enjoy each others company, equally plenty of room to have our own space when needed.  Being up in the mountains surrounded by so many heritage oaks, redwoods and eucalyptus trees, birds, wild turkeys, and a peacock named Kevin, not to mention the deer, and then of course there is the mountain lions and coyotes too haha.  It really didn't seem like I would be lacking any in adventure and would enjoy all the comforts of home, a real home, ah to soak in a bath again, and a family to fill the home, I did miss that, the whole being part of a family unit, and I missed my sister, oh how I missed her.

Three years of having no ties to a home with a foundation was such an adventure, everything felt new again.  Even a trip to home depot was an experience to write about.  I had very little, however I lived so much.  I will treasure those three years of my life for all of my life.  I am and have always been a free spirit, maybe it is because of my upbringing.  My mother moved so much, we never stayed put for more than three to six months in any one home if we had one.  I chose well when I chose her as my mother.  I mean that with all my heart and soul because I know that I did in fact choose this life and everyone in it.  So in essence I chose to have that free wander spirit ingrained into my foundation.

I have been accused of running and in some instances, well many if I am being honest and that is exactly what I have done at times in my life when things got to hard, or even too easy, run, run, run.  But on a deeper level there has always been a longing, always been a desire to be free. A dream to go when and where the wind carried me.  And now I sit her missing it, longing for it.  Some reading this may be thinking but JoJo you travel a lot, and you would be correct in saying so.  However there is something so different between booking a flight and just owning a house on wheels and hooking it up to the back of my truck whenever I feel the need to move onto something new. The drive from one park to the next, not knowing what to expect, excited by the unknowing of it, even a flat tire made my day, it was a new adventure too, haha.  Something about waking up on that first morning in a new park, stepping outside with my cup of coffee to survey my new lands and it's inhabitants.

Honestly if I could just say goodbye to it all, to all the responsibility and travel with no cares, no worries, no plan other than to go when it is time to go and park when it is time to park, sharing life with new friends along the way, I would in a heart beat.  I think I just formed a new WHY!  And this WHY would be a new type of WHY for me.  MAYBE, that is what is missing... A WHY FOR ME.

I cannot wait to see you Saturday Stella Star
to wrap my arms around you, smell your hair
and tell you how much I love you!
I have lots of WHY's and they all make me cry.  I want my daughter Stella (who I get to see this coming Saturday) to be proud of me, I want to take part in the big things in her life, help pay for them.  I want her to know that she changed my path, was the answer to a prayer, my first prayer and to honor the gift that is her, this is one of my biggest and my first inspiration in changing my life.  I want to change the course for my grandchildrens lives, take them out of poverty.  I want to hire my sister as my full time personal assistant and pay her enough to live a good life, a really, really good life.  I have a list of close friends who I have big plans for, not going to spoil that by talking about that today, surprises rock. I want to build self sustainable living projects worldwide with Amanda and Victoria and help change the world.  All great WHY's.  But where in all that is MY WHY?

Daughters are a gift from heaven.  You two came into my life
later in my life at just the right time, I am so grateful to share
the rest of my life with you both.  
Being of selfless service is a great motivator for me, fills me up.  As much as it fills me it can also drain me if I am not mindful to take daily care of doing the things that remind me that I love me.  Much of my life was spent putting others need before my own to only leave myself having nothing left for myself, that kind of living started as young as I am able to remember.  With all the work I have done to learn self preservation, self love, if I am not mindful I can easily slip back into forgetting me, forgetting to love me.

Tears are pouring from my heart as I even write these words.  Wow, I didn't realize that I felt this way.  I honestly haven't sat down long enough to even let this out.  I have been going so hard in my work life, taking daily massive action to not only reach my own goals but helping others to reach theirs. To be honest when I sat down to write this entry I had no idea what I was going to say.  I have neglected this blog and my journal for months now.  I was scared that maybe I had lost my skills, maybe I had nothing left to write about.  However, the messages to write have been flooding in despite my attempts to ignore them.  And if I am being completely honest I felt a little pissed about it.  Why now?  I have work to do!

There were signs... It began with the questions "JoJo are you still writing your blog? I miss your posts!" those have been coming in for months now.  Then there was the Eagle that visited me and made sure I knew in no uncertain terms he was there for me.  Then there was the dreams about writing that have been getting stronger and stronger.  The realization that my Facebook page Everything Enlightenment that went along with this blog had grown to over 2,000 likes from a mere 300 without me even noticing.  To top it all off I wake up to a new laptop on my desk this morning, a gift from my son whose timing is quite impeccable considering just a week earlier I said to my dear friend Margaret who I was sharing all this with that what was holding me back was my computer, I just wanted to sit outside, I missed the wide open world I wrote in when I lived in that RV.  I vowed to buy a new lap top or at least change the battery in my old wore down one.  I put that off, after all I have money to make, team to support, goals to meet, WHY's to be dedicated to.  Income producing activities.  One of these days I should really get around to learning how to make a living as a blogger haha.  Or maybe get serious about finishing my book.

I sat at my desk filled with gratitude this morning, then quite unexpected new feelings surged up in me, frustration, anger, questions arose, where is this coming from.  I grabbed my Ascended Masters cards for a reading.  I held them in my hands, pulled them to forehead, and then to my heart as I began crying, sobbing more-like and in sheer desperation asked... what is wrong with me...

As I asked the same question five different times in five different ways the answers carried a common theme, despite my attempts to want it to be something else, with every draw I knew loud and clear what the answer was, an answer that was no doubt pushing me toward this moment.

Thank you!
I sat there crying some more, pulled the lever on my recliner, spun the chair and sat looking out the window at the great outdoors, the beauty of it comforted me, the trees swayed in tune with my Pandora station selections and it called to me, the outdoors called to me.  I held my hands on my heart and spoke to her... to Lelania... Is this what we need?  Is this you showing me how to love you?  A request I had made last week in a moment of clarity of realizing that I still don't know how to convince her that I love her, so I asked her to show me how and promised to listen.  I heard the voice... YES!

I sat up and went across the house to find my fit and able little sister, I had a plan that needed executing and her assistance was required.  I found her and asked with my sweetest voice... can you please help me set up an outside office under my home office by the pool?  She said, sure thing sis, do you think Kaili can swim while you work since I have my hair appointment, yeppers I replied and we grabbed a broom, some cleaning stuff, a chair, my umbrella and the office came together.

My new outdoors office, it's perfect!
There I sat, in the outdoors, sitting under the shade of one of the Heritage Oaks, feeling the wind on my face, feeling quite determined to write as anxiety consumed me momentarily as I stared at the blank screen, I am pretty sure it was laughing at me, teasing me, I could almost hear it saying... Ohhhhh, so you want to write do you? Where were you all the days passed!  My sister came out to let me know she was headed to the salon and remind me to watch my niece.  Grateful for the distraction I shifted my focus to being a dutiful aunt as my niece dove in the pool, as she splashed about I remembered last summer during my coaching with my own life coach I was given a month long assignment to observe my niece Kaili.  To remember a time in my own childhood when I was that young, that innocent and to journal the feelings as they arose, and when I was given the opportunity to say to her the things that were never said to me, to do so.

Puppy Love
I sat watching her play, taking it all in, alone she was so complete, experiencing so much joy, entertaining herself and some very attentive imaginary friend who apparently joined her in the pool.  She had this whole thing going on, the dialog was fascinating, I asked myself at one point if she sees something I do not, haha, She was having fun, joy in motion.  I laughed a deep laugh, a releasing laugh.  After being lost in time in that moment she broke my trance as left the pool, ran into the house instructing me to stay put and came running back out wearing one of her many beautiful dresses, apparently her imaginary friend was still hanging out.

Thank you Kaili, you do not know it now, you may never know it, but you help me to love me. You remind me that I was
once innocent, you remind me to love that little girl in me who was abandoned by us all.  You remind me to breath. I love
you so so so much precious heart, your love is the greatest gift to me and everyone blessed to share your life with you.  I pray that all your dreams become reality and that I am able to be to you what I never had, that we never crush your spirit as
I know you are here to do great things in this beautiful world, and oh what a beautiful world it is with you in it.

Love little you, every chance you get be kind to you!
They laid in the grass under the warmth of the sun, she lay there running her fingers through the grass (fake grass mind you, but looking at her you would think it was the scene from the hills have music, haha) talking to her "friend" quite descriptivly, then interrupted as our family dog joined her and distracted her from her imaginary conversation, she abandoned her friend and moved along to playing with Tucker. A beautiful dance between dog and his favorite human began.  They were so free, playing together in their beautiful connected way in the warm sun.  I saw the love they share for each other and my heart warmed.  I remembered being that innocent, I remembered when everything in life was new, and in that instant I no longer had writers block, my fingers took flight and it all started to pour out like a broken vase pushed off the table, the flowers on the floor as the water runs across the floor it flowed, I flowed.

And it brought me here, to this moment in this rather long entry that has turned into more of a journal entry, but I can't stop now, I can't be concerned with the length of this, nor the spelling, the grammar, no I must write, I don't even know if I will post it, but then again why not.  What I do know is this... As tears flow down my face and my heart weeps the release of my souls passion, my souls purpose, I am no longer trapped, I am released, I am free again. I am again whole, this is where I thrive.  Life is again an adventure, I cannot help but laugh through the tears with the realization that without writing I am stunted, I am stagnant and I am incomplete, I am not alive.  The understanding that this is where I come to figure it all out, to share the growth and there is something so powerful that happens here, a reality is born in turning my life into words put to paper or in this case type to a blog.  Something that cannot be complete with the mere experience of it, it is the writing of it, the sharing of it that makes the growth real, that speaks it into existence, that solidifies if that makes sense.  To me it does and today that is what matters.

From my heart to yours... Live, Laugh and Love
I am reminded of something so valuable, something so simple that we make so complicated in our lives.  Living our passion.  We tell ourselves these stories about life, we let our obligations consume us, we get so caught up in the "have to's" that we forget the parts that matter the most, the very most.  The inner parts, the journey that takes place on a deeper level.  We forget to enjoy the silence, to dance to the music, to embrace those special moments with loved ones, we forget to breath, we forget to live!  If we are too busy making a living and not really living what is the point?  I don't believe we are meant to put off living for later, that is where we got it all mixed up.  We forgot to see the world through the eyes of a child, to seek out the new, to venture into the great unknown even if the unknown is a book store, a new yoga class, a new friend, whatever it is, do it, just do it, just start living again. Don't wait!  Don't even wait a day, today is the "present" it is a gift.  Go hug someone tight, go cook up something super healthy and treat your insides to nutrients made with love, soak in a hot bath tonight by candlelight, do something to remind you, inner you, little you that you are so loved.

I love you all from a place of raw emotion, excitement for feeling alive, so alive in this moment and for the opportunity to share it with you.  I love myself deeply for answering the call being given to me by me to do what I love, to live my passion again, to engage in what completes me, to write and to again write for ME! I am in love again, in love with myself and it feels so good to remember to do that, to love myself in this moment.  I encourage you to fall in love with yourself in this moment, you deserve it, I promise you it will be the greatest love affair of your life.

One Love,

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