Saturday, October 31, 2015

Victim or Victor?

Happy Saturday my friends across the world.  I am super excited today as I relaunched my Saturday Success Training call.  This is a weekly call I started a couple of years ago, sharing weekly the journey on a call designed to help others take ownership of living a life that is our born birthright, a life of love, abundance, prosperity in all areas.  

I have been caught up in my dead line for my book, and other areas of life in business and personal and this call got put on the back burner.  Today I pulled it forward and turned up the heat.  This call is no longer specific to my work world, it is about soul work, the deep work we need to do to be successful in all areas of life. Especially the areas that matter most.  I am excited to share this here weekly as well as a blog post and as an audio so you have your pick. To follow me on Soundcloud click here.

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VICTIM or VICTOR

When we change our minds, we change our lives.  I have grown to know this truth myself.  After spending the first 40 years of my life with a victim mindset my life came crashing down.  You see the thing was that I did not think of myself as a victim, I actually thought of myself as the exact opposite.  I believed myself to be a survivor, and thought I was anything but a victim. However, I was and it took some drastic things to happen in my life over years, events that accumulated and led me to a place of rock bottom where I had a choice, to be here or not to be here, that is how bad it got for me.

You see for me, like many of you I believed that it was the outer world around me that affected me, affected my life.  I placed a lot of blame on the world around me and as my life got worse my opinion of the world got worse. Everything was evidence of how screwed up the world and the people in it were and each event compounded deep beliefs I had about my own self-worth. 
Many of us live our lives this way.  Hoping that things work out for us in every area of our lives.  Hoping that the people in our lives will be honest with us, will be good to us like we are to them. And when things aren’t going the way we want them to we think we chose wrong or we weren’t good enough in some way.  So we look again for something out there to be the right something.  Always trying to fix the problems in our life in an eternal search out there, the answer always eluding us, while we have temporary moment of success in finding what we are looking for, they slip from our grasp like trying to hold water in our hands.  Why?

Why are we repeatedly losing when we think we are doing everything, being everything to win?  Well my friends if you are living your life trying to be the right person to keep others in your life happy so they won’t leave you, or trying to find the right opportunity to change it all but failing to look in the one place where all the answers exist you will repeat these cycles again and again.
There is only one way to honestly stop being a victim and become of victor in your life, only one sure path to true inner and outer success in life and that way is not out there, it never was.  Every circumstance in your life, every failed attempt, every failed relationship is a result of one thing, you!  I know that is hard to accept, it was for me in the beginning.  I mean how could it be my fault I did so much for so many, I did more than most would do, yet they all abandoned me anyways, used me, stole from me, lied to me.  And as a child I was abused, mentally, physically, sexually how could that be my fault, wasn’t I a true victim then. 

Yes I was, I was a true victim as a child, that was not the problem however, the problem was that I carried that victim mindset my whole life, the lessons taught to me as a child about my worth, about the world around me.  It taught me that people will hurt me because I am bad.  And no matter how good I tried to be to avoid the inevitable hurt, I was never good enough apparently.  It became a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I believed deep inside of me that I was not good enough to be loved, to be successful and I didn’t deserve better so no matter how much work I did to make life better, until I addressed these foundational beliefs I was doomed to live out being the victim in my life again and again.

I thought that my ability to rebuild repeatedly in life when everything came crashing down made me a survivor, made me strong.  What I didn’t realize was that it was me who was responsible for the crashing down part.  It is easy to see how I could have missed that, after all how could I be responsible for others actions?  How could I be responsible for someone lying to me, cheating on my, stealing from me, being abusive to me?  I was a victim of them, not the other way around.  So I lived out my life for years, many years, rebuilding and I was talented at doing so.  After all I was groomed from early childhood to do so.  As a young child I had to do things no child should have to do.  I had to figure out how to feed myself and my little sister at a young age, some nights we would be locked out of the house till midnight and I had to be resourceful.  I had to help hide drugs in my home when the cops came, I had to do a lot of things as a child that taught me how to rebuild again and again.  We moved every couple of months, switched schools very couple of months this was my childhood.  I learned that my worth came from my ability to rebuild.  I learned that my worth came from saving and protecting others through saving and protecting my sister and even my mother when things got really bad for her.

And in my adult life I needed that sense of self worth to continue on.  And the only time I felt truly worthy was when I was rebuilding my life, saving others, protecting others.  My need to be worthy, to be needed, to be loved led me down a lifetime of seeking out and attracting people who needed saving, needed protecting and inevitably led me to it all crumbling down so that I could rebuild again.
Through all of this I thought I had been dealt a bad hand in life. And no matter how many times I reshuffled the deck, another bad hand was dealt.  Deep down I believed I wasn’t good enough for better, I was getting what I deserved.  After all my own parents couldn’t love me, I believed God didn’t either if he even existed at all.  So when I got hurt, was betrayed or abandoned it only compounded these deep foundational beliefs of mine.

I was an eternal victim, I lived with a victim mindset. Now your story might not be as drastic as mine, or maybe it is, either way your young life, all of your life up until now has been telling you’re a story about your worth and about the world around you.  Let me ask you a question… What is your general opinion of the world?

I want you to write down on your note pad right now… I believe the world today is… and finish that sentence with your own beliefs about the world.  I am going to give you a minute to finish that sentence and do so honestly, just write exactly what you think about the world, if you believe the world is going to hell in a hand bag write that down.  If you believe the world is butterflies and unicorns write it down.  It does you no good to do anything other than be honest here.
You see if you believe the world is coming to end, or is limited, lacking, a place full or harm, hatred, disappointment and chance that is a great indicator that you have some victim mindset going on.  If you believe that the world is full unlimited resources and possibilities, that anything is possible and you are the creator of your life you are a victor.

The goal is to get to the place where you see the world in the right way and to do so you must begin with you.  I set out on a journey 4 years ago.  I sat on my could in December of 2011 planning my own suicide but decided I didn’t really want to die.  I just had no reason to live.  So I did something so drastic I sold everything I owned, bought a travel trailer and got towed by complete strangers to park after park throughout California.  I set out on this journey to change the world because the world was screwed up and hurt good people like me.  I set out on this journey to teach the world to love each other.  I set out on this journey to find myself and what I learned along the way was that I was never lost, it was always my path, what I learned along the way was that it wasn’t the world that needed to change it was me, what I learned along the way was that I couldn’t teach one single soul out there about love when I had not one ounce of love in myself for myself. I set out into a world of lack, disappointment and pain only to discover that love and abundance was always available to me in this world in infinite possibilities and it began with discovering the truth, a truth that was so skewed and so hidden, covered by layers of pain, resentments, regrets, years of life beating me down and me never really addressing it honestly.  I had to peel back those layers like an onion, and it was the juiciest of onions with every layer I sliced away at more and more tears flowed, tears that should have flowed all those years, but never did because to cry about it was to be weak in my own mind, I would never be a victim I would be strong, I would weather every storm and I would rebuild again because I was good at it.

I had to heal.  I had to bebuild this time in a way I had never rebuilt from before.  I had to rebuild from truth and I could only do it one way, by owning it all and loving myself through each moment of ownership.  You see I believe today that I chose it all.  I believe that I stood in heaven and said I pick him and her. I believe I chose my parents.  I know that might be crazy to some of you.  It was to me in the beginning, but only until I asked myself questions about why I would make a choice like that.  The answers came in asking what I gained from all the experiences I had.  I journaled daily, did all kinds of exercises out there in those new lands surrounded by strangers in rv parks across California, exercises and lessons all in my book that is going to be released in 2016.

To sum it up for you here, I took responsibility for my life by taking responsibility for my life, for all of it.  I realized that everything I had gained in my life which was mostly pain and heart ache was a result of my choices and more so a result of my beliefs about what I deserved and about what kind of world I lived in.

I saw the world as a place of challenge, a place of lack, a place of pain.  I saw the successful of us as greedy, mean, shallow. I saw things in ways that rendered me always receiving proof of what I believed the world to be. You see whatever your beliefs about the world, and about you, trust that you will always find evidence to support those beliefs.  If you belief the world to be a harsh place that beats you down you will always get exactly what you expect.  If you believe people hurt you, you will be hurt or you will go to the other side of the spectrum and hurt them before they can hurt you.
Your beliefs are shaping your choices in life and your choices are directing the results you get in life.  No one in the world is luckier than you, has been dealt a better hand then you, they just believe differently than you do.  The only difference between those who live a happy, healthy, successful life and those who don’t is belief.

Your beliefs about life are creating the life you are living.  If you don’t believe me you my dear are living with a victim mindset.

Would you like to change your life? Well, if you want to change your life you have to truly believe you can.  And how can you possibly believe you can change your life and at the same time believe that something outside of you can stop you?  Do you see how believing that the world is a bad place and bad things are likely to happen and trying to change your life do not mesh?

Life happens my friends, of course there are things that are out of our control.  What is always in our control is how we react to everything in our life.  And if you have been living as someone who believes life is happening to you for some time it is going to take some time to change that belief, you didn’t get here overnight and changing it is not going to happen overnight either.  Start small, start with little things that you can actually work with.  Don’t try to take it all on at once.  Start with little things like when you are in line at the store and things are moving too slow and you feel that feeling rise up in you of anger, frustration at the person ahead of you for having trouble finding their credit card, or the checker for hitting the wrong button, try there in that moment to stop letting life happen to you and own your emotional reaction.  Rather than be mad, huff and puff, or develop a scowling look on your face.  Do something different.  Internally thank the people and situation for the opportunity to practice kindness and patience.  Turn to the person behind you who is huffing and puffing, complaining and smile and say you can take my place in life, I am not in a hurry, go ahead and go first.  Offer a smile and say it’s okay to the checker or the person at the register feeling the stares and disapproval of those in line behind him or her.  Be the light in that line and watch what happens, watch how you feel about the world in that moment.

In traffic, be peace, be excited for the journey, practice these same principles I just stated above.  You see these are simple practices that can change your life in drastic ways.  Can you see how this can change your outlook from someone who thinks life is happening to them to someone who makes life happen for them.

This is the difference between being a victim and being a victor. And in doing so you will begin to see the world in a whole new light, you will begin to change your beliefs about everything.  You will stop being the ball in the pinball machine being bounced around by life, you will begin to feel a sense of gratitude about life and when that happens you will begin to change your feelings about yourself and this world and in those changes your very energy pattern will shift from lack to abundance and you will begin to be a match for more of what you are looking for in life.  It was never out there it was always within you.

Over the weeks ahead I will be going into this more and more.  So make sure you are on these calls over the weeks ahead if this call hit home for you in some way. Mark your calendar and set an alarm so that you can being to make life new for you.  Share this call with anyone you know who you think will benefit from it.  And lets together all take control of our lives and begin to switch from victim to victor of our lives and create a new world, beginning with our inner world where it all originates from anyways.

Thank you for joining me today.  I am grateful to be here to share this journey with you.  And I am only allowed this opportunity because I didn’t give up that day on my couch and I did the work to get here.  Whatever your circumstances are, whatever life has taught you, if you too do not give up and are willing to do the work, you too can truly live the life you have always deserved to live.
I love you all, have an amazing week, talk to you next week, same place, same time….



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