Wednesday, April 27, 2016

What I've learned about my ego

So you failed at something once! And you never tried again! You told yourself a story about it. You took fact, and you built a story based on fiction around it. You know, you could have just stuck with the facts and built from that, a true story of success built on an accumulation of failures that you grew from.

We spend a great portion of our lives trying to find our place in this world. Trying a lot of different masks on to see which one fits. I say masks because, it is in our search of an identity, we, on an unconscious level, create multiple identities based on "stories of fiction" about "who we are" and what "we are capable of". Each time we are wounded by an event in life we build an identity at a core level either creating a new identity or strengthening one already in existence. All of these identities are created by and creating a story about our worth.

What began as fact takes on a story of it's own, and inevitably leads us, quite often, away from the truth of who we are and what is possible for us. I am sure you have heard and maybe even studied much on the topic of your ego, as I have. And I am sure that like me, you are in, or have gone through the stages of awareness about the ego that I myself have gone through. The ego is an amazing thing, When we first hear of the ego, we often, hear of it in terms of... "his/her ego is so big" or "boy, that ones got some ego, doesn't he/she". We hear these things growing up, and ego becomes something negative to us. To act from an ego space is to act badly, and this is the story we build around the fact that we all have an ego. The story is one of fiction, let me explain what I mean by that.

We all have a thing called an EGO. As we become more self aware we realize this part of ourselves as well as other parts of ourselves, it can get really confusing at first. I was like... Wait, you mean there are all kinds of parts of myself? How the hell do I work with that? Who are these parts and what do they want from me? Sorry, you just gotta laugh at yourself sometimes, until you get comfortable with that, just laugh at me!

Let me share with you a visual that helped me to get all my parts of myself under one roof. Think of life as one big game, the planet is the field and everyone is their own team. Your team consists of several aspects of you. A team compiled of your emotions, your ego, your soul, your pain body, your energy body, your physical body and much more. Your SOUL is the true coach of your team. But most of your life your EGO is calling the plays. Your soul has allowed your ego to play coach, and for good reason; playing the game as ego serves us greatly in experiencing and learning what we came here to experience and learn. However, at some level, your soul is for all intent and purposes really guiding all parts of yourself and from a place of non judgement. You see, your soul does not oppose the things you oppose, does not judge the things you judge. Different aspects of yourself do that. Your soul loves it all, your soul came here into this physical body with the very desire and purpose to experience it all. Your soul loves each emotion equally and dances in every experience the way you would dance in the rain if you weren't so afraid of getting wet. Your soul is not scared, does not live in fear, and has no lack of mentality. Your soul knows itself to be infinite, your soul is omniscient. If all the other aspects of yourself knew what your soul knows, well lets be real, we wouldn't need to come here at all, now would we. The other parts of yourself, help your soul to know itself from a different angle so to speak. It is some deep stuff we're dealing with here. But don't worry we don't need to figure it all out at once. One step at a time tough guy.

Your ego is really your souls BFF, and like all best friends forever, they don't always see eye to eye, they often compete with each other. However at the end of the day, they always have each others back! Your best friends might hurt you, but let someone else take a swing at you. It is on like donkey kong, the gloves are off and we are going to kick some.... you get my point! Yet you have been taught that your ego is a bad aspect of yourself, something to be overcome, something to be denied. And if you are still at that stage of your own evolution, and you likely are; we all are, you have been guided to this post to contemplate a new concept at this stage of your game called life. So keep an open mind, and read it twice if you have to. I know I have had to read certain books on the subject twice to really start to grasp these concepts. I have gone into full on war with my own ego at times during my own growing self awareness of the many parts of me. And still do. When you really start to get all this, the truest answers no longer come from study via books, videos, etc... The truest answers come from within, where all knowledge exists.

Your ego is not your enemy. How could a part of you be against you? It couldn't! It only feels like that at times because there are times in your life, many times, where you sabotage yourself. And yes, your ego is fully involved in that cycle. But not for the reasons you might think. Your ego has a job to do in this lifetime, and it is being directed by your soul, even if your ego doesn't want to admit this. Ego's like to take all the credit for our greatness and our lack of greatness. The funny thing about ego identities is that the ego doesn't care so much if it identifies as the greatest or the worst version of you, the ego just needs an identity and any identity will do. Victim, Villain, Hero, doesn't matter to the ego and the ego will go all in with anyone of these identities. So you choose or let your ego choose for you. Whatever happens in your life, the facts that happen that I mentioned earlier, well you had emotions when these facts happened. If you had what you would label as good emotions about who you are then your ego built a story around that. If you had what you would label as bad emotions about who you are, well then, your ego built a story around that. A story that created an identity as either a good or bad version of you and what is possible for you. The Victim identity for example excuses you of trying. After all, it's not your fault, you are a victim. If you are identified with a condition or disease, you have an excuse for not doing things in life, and you will invest more and more into this illness because it gives you permission to ask others to do things for you, to get love that you likely don't believe you deserve. This is just one example. The Villain, also driven by fear. Fear of the truth that they are not good enough to be the Hero and fear of becoming the Victim. So therefor excused to victimize others because you might as well get them before they get you. You see how you look at the world shapes the ego identity. If you fear failure your ego will find ways to excuse never trying at all and ultimately accepting failure as a choice.

When we shift from ego driven to soul driven we really begin to play the game of life from a different view, a big picture view. When our soul starts to coach the team, (and that only happens when we consciously choose to stop telling ourselves stories, heal the lies we told ourselves from past stories and start living consciously accountable for it all) Things begin to change! Big time!

The best way I can describe your ego, a description that elevated me into a higher understanding of my ego, and helped me to begin to work with, instead of against my ego is this. Imagine that your ego is a child. Not just any child, but little you! Imagine that at the very first pain you felt as a child your ego developed and from that point on this child within you began to take on it's own personality. Every neglect you felt, that child felt. Every abuse you felt that child felt. And as you grew up, this child has stayed inside of you as a child. Your inner child. Hello you, meet another aspect of yourself... Your Inner Child aka Your EGO.

Your ego is truly, simply, your inner child. As you grew up experiencing pain from others, you also grew up to become the one inflicting pain on yourself. Self inflicted pain based on the stories you told yourself about yourself. Stories that were no longer based in fact at all. Stories about your worth, stories about your place in this world. Based on these make believe stories that you believe in fully, YOU have become the one who hurts yourself; EXCEPT you still believe it is the world hurting you. And welcome to another aspect of yourself... The Victim Mind!

Did you hear me? Your ego is simply your inner child. And you have been trying to kick your inner childs butt into submission and calling it spiritual growth, or being accepted, or being good. Something along those lines. My point is you have been fighting a child, denying a child, abusing a child, neglecting a child. And not just any child. Your inner child. Bam! I know that hit hard. I was mind blown, excited, and full of guilt all at once upon this realization.

You have been hurting yourself for a long time. I know, I hurt myself for a long time too. Long after I was a true victim. As a child subjected to abuse and abandonment, growing up in a world of addiction with other "hurt inner children" that, themselves never healed, I was a true victim. However, I continued to be a victim in my own mind long after these initial events. And in continuing this identity as a victim, I hurt myself, I hurt my inner child, my ego was the victim of me, not the other way around.

When I first realized that all of this was taking place in me. That I had all these parts of myself, I began peeling back the many layers of stories I have created and lived my whole life, with even more layers to go still. During this peeling back the layers stage of my journey, I began trying to heal my inner child by telling her that I loved her. She didn't believe me. And the more I tried to tell her that I loved her the more she called me a liar. There was a very important moment in this when I realized that she had every right to distrust me, after all, I had not only hurt her for years, I had allowed others to hurt her too. So I stopped trying to convince her that I loved her. It was the craziest thing, it was a true breakthrough that came in the form of a break down. I was frustrated beyond frustration. I was angry, I was lost. I was exhausted with trying to heal her, trying to convince her that I loved her, so I threw my hands up in the air and said screw you inner child! And then I sat down and sobbed. As the river of tears flowed the anger subsided, it was such a release. Crying always is. I wiped my face, blew my nose and sat there in silence for some time. Feeling relieved of the pressure to heal myself and the feelings associated with failing miserably at doing so, I just sat in silence. Until I broke that silence and simply said to her... I am so sorry that I hurt you, and so sorry that I allowed others to hurt you, I didn't believe we deserved better. I don't know how to love you, can you please, just teach me how to love you.

A shift took place in me in that moment, in that very vulnerable moment of letting it all go, I gained the very thing I was searching so frantically for. I offered myself the most honest truth; I admitted that I didn't know how to love myself. In doing so I was able to offer myself the most heart felt apology to myself. I apologized for all the pain that I have caused myself and all the pain I allowed others to inflict upon myself. And then I rendered an honest plea for help. I asked to be taught how to heal, taught by the very one who needs healing. And this changed everything inside me from that moment forward.

For the first time I had given my ego/inner child the respect she deserves, the respect she has sat patiently and sometimes not so patiently waiting for. I recognized my ego, my inner child as a valuable part of me. I asked my ego/inner child to teach me. There is nothing the ego desires more than to be recognized, to be respected. It is the core desire of this aspect of ourselves and it serves us greatly in our lives when this desire is met.

In many false teachings we are taught to see our ego as a bad aspect of ourselves. In religions around the world to be egotistical is to be prideful and is a sin one punished by hell eternal. So we live in hell now avoiding a part of ourselves created by God. Things that make you go hmmmmm. The view of the ego being a dark part of ourselves goes deep in our cultural belief systems. Insanity I say! The human condition is ill in it's thinking of many things, this one thing however, is one of the biggest things. We are bad, our parts of ourselves are bad, we therefor spend our lives trying to be good. And when we fail to be good, we confirm that we are bad and we life in a perpetual cycle of hell on earth.

Think about it... Who created the ego? Who created this part of ourselves? The very same creator who created all parts of ourselves. To think that Our Creator, created an aspect of ourselves that is bad, is to say that Creator made an error in creation. Or at the very least has one sick sense of humor. A Creator who created every seed that grows every plant without effort, the same creator who figured out the alignment of the stars and planets and how they would all work together to create more creation, the same Creator who created the seasons, and all that exists did not make a mistake or error when your ego was created as a part of you. There had to be a good reason, and I honestly do not buy that the reason was a bad one.

The idea of good and bad is a man made idea. Do you remember earlier when I mentioned that your soul does not use such labels as "good and bad" in your experiences, in your emotions. The soul loves it all equally. The soul is one with the Creator, is of the Creator. So it makes sense to conclude that the Creator itself does not look at things in the same way our fetus minds do. It also seems like common sense to then conclude that God does not label things as good or bad either. God does not carry the same judgements or war mindsets that we carry. It is interesting to me that we as humans, try to define who God is and how God feels. Really think about that for a moment or two. We, as humans think that we can define God. God who created this all! Do we think that we are smarter than God? These are good questions to ask ourselves. But lets get back on track here, this entry isn't about our limited beliefs about creation. It is about our limited beliefs about ourselves. And how those limited beliefs lead to avoidance of failure and lack of focus in any one pursuit that could actually give us the results we really want in life.

This entry is about you meeting your ego for the first time. Not the ego you built a story of fiction about, based on past events and impressions handed down to you. The ego who is your souls BFF, your inner child. Who is waiting patiently and sometimes not so patiently for you to do the one thing you have yet to do... To give it the acknowledgement, respect and appreciation it deserves. Start there. Trust me, the rest will happen on it's own. If you, today, right now, start with simply contemplating that your ego is in fact a very valuable part of you, a part who serves you greatly, and will serve you even more greatly as your life progresses through self awareness, then move into developing a dialog with this very valuable and real aspect of yourself, everything, and I mean everything will change.

Where there was avoidance of failure in life and lack of focus there will be a multitude of failures leading to the greatest successes, that you, yourself cannot even imagine at this stage of the game. There will be focus, a level of clarity about your purpose, your place in this world that you have never experienced before today.

Contemplate that there are many aspects that make up you. Contemplate that when these aspects all begin to play on the same team in unison that you will win the game. Contemplate ending the battles taking place inside you, by learning how to work with all the different aspects of yourself. Before you can work with anyone you must first recognize that they exist, would you agree? Before you can come together with a group and make great things occur, you must first recognize the group as valuable, as worthy, as having much to offer, would you agree? So before you can work with any aspect of yourself to create a winning team, you must first give these aspects of yourself the respect and recognition they deserve. Then, and only then, can these aspects of yourself do what they were always created to do. So begin with trust. Trust yourself, trust these other aspects of yourself, and above all trust creation. After all you are a part of creation and creation rocks! Ask these aspects of yourself to teach you how to love and appreciate them the way they deserve to be loved and appreciated so that you can get to work becoming who you have always been anyways. Hahahahahahah, that is the big catch. But we will talk about that in another entry, chew on this one for a while. No point in trying to figure it all out at once, that would take away all the fun in the challenges we have to overcome to get to the next challenge. Life rocks that way. It;s time for you to start rocking and rolling with life, don't ya think?

I love you all from all aspects of myself today. We have had fun writing this entry together.

One Love,

Lelania and Company!

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