February 13th 2012
It is with a big smile and a lot of laughter that I tell you about this first lesson of life in a travel trailer. So there's this thing attached to my trailer called an Awning, well there was one, hahahah.
Now there is scraps of metal and lots of cut up canvas laying around my trailer and all I can do is laugh at myself, I mean what good would being upset do at this point.
Apparently the wind and my Awning had a war last night and the Wind Won triumphantly. As the powerful wind rocked my Trailer back and forth I slept like a baby in a rocker unaware of the damage my poor One Love trailer was being subjected to. The wind had it's way with us last night and I am sure feels quite proud of itself as it should.
At about 5am I realized my rocker was not a rocker at all in fact the thuds and pounding sounds should have woke me from my blissful slumber but no not I who is at such peace with myself right now I slept without a care in the world. I awoke and quickly called for some assistance, not fun waking people up at 5am but my friend did not even mind getting out of her bed to run to my aid. However neither her nor I knew how to retract my Awning, why? Because of my brilliance in having someone else extend my Awning for me without a lesson in the mechanics of the device. Hahahaha Lesson One is born. Learn how to do it yourself if your going to know how it works.
Unable to find help from an Awning expert at about 7:30am I noticed there was beginning to be some serious damage to the structure of my little Travel Trailer and decided some actions needed to be taken. It was either the Awning or the Trailer structure so I did what any woman who has no clue about life on the road would do, I took a kitchen knife to the canvas and carved me out of risk. I actually had fun cutting the canvas and laughing at the winds attempts to blow me around some more. I then stood alone in the middle of pieces of canvas and looked to the Skies and smiled thinking... "Well, I guess I am meant to have the sun shine on my door this summer!"
I was so excited about that Awning It felt like my own little patio and always having an affection for patios and a dream of one day owning a home with a wrap around porch I pretended for one day it was my mini porch.
I have to say though I got much excitement and adrenaline out of the whole experience so that mini porch was one powerful and exciting ride!
Good morning beautiful world I am loving life on the road more and more every single day!!!
Lesson 1.5: Don't misplace the battery pack charger to your camera, hahahaha Pictures coming soon!
Okay here is some Pictures of the damage done if that's what we want to call it, I think I prefer to think of it as My Battle with the Wind, yeah I know the wind won but you know what it taught me a new respect for nature and the power of the Wind. Respect for nature is something I can stand to be reminded of I am sure of it and today has turned into a new type of day for me and I like the change I have to say! The Sun is shining now however the skies are having a battle of their own and I can smell the rain so I will get busy with clean up and finding repair assistance, that is a whole new challenge and one I am going to face with optimism. xoxox
|The day the Wind rocked my world!|
|The Awning was my canvas, the wind my paint a kitchen knife my brush! My Masterpiece!|
|Nature taught me my first RV lesson of the Road!|
|Wind 3, Aluminum 0|
February 13th 2012
I neglected to mention the issue of the vent cover that flew off during the festivities and that vent cover happens to be over my bed as fate would have it. I find it ironic that I was listening to Unwritten before bed last night as no one can feel the rain on my skin including me apparently during my sleep, hahahaha
While I have not found a power drill to make the necessary holes for the new vent covers before the rain hits, I have found much more. First to solve my dilemma of sleeping in the rain a temporary solution in the assistance of a really cool 14 year old young man named Zachary. Zachary also happens to be Aries and while working with me to solve the problem of my raining bed has enjoyed a great conversation with me on the discussion about 5th dimension physics. I was in awe of his contribution to this conversation and it reminded me of my own youth and how open I used to be to a more abstract way of thinking and left me wondering why it took me so many years to come back to the imagination of my youth that allowed me to see things beyond my day to day 9 to 5 pending list of responsibilities I thought mattered so much more than the world around me. I realized that it was that closed minded thinking that stopped me from growing in a direction that might have helped our world before now. I am an optimist right up to the end of all things so I do strongly believe it is never to late to learn or to change. Thank you great winds for the lessons you brought me I see now how much greater they were than just a mere learn how to guide, you brought Zachary to me today and he and I bonded and together awoke a little more to the world around us and the changes taking place. I am humbled beyond belief.
|Zachary The Great to the Rescue|
Zachary is a descendant of many origins, he is Irish, Native American, German and Scottish. His full names meaning is "Remember the Kings Sheppard". He is a wise old soul and has a gentle and caring mannerism. He is testimony to what is good in this world. I offered to pay Zachary for his help and he refused, his reason was that we shouldn't charge someone for helping them, it's only time. I am very grateful for meeting this amazing young man on my journey and find comfort that there is still youth out there with such care for others. Thanks Zachary you seriously rock!
Courage, Strength, Patience~
February 14th 2012
Three words of meaning to me on this beautiful day. As I stood on a kitchen step stool chair using a swimming pool ladder for leverage to make the climb these three words and the two white birds circling me overhead combined with the warm sun shining down on me from a cloudless sky gave me the ability to remove the two rather long screws holding the frame to my awning from my One Love trailer roof on try number Three. Try number One I dropped the wrench after a few turns, try number Two I lost patience in the repeated turns, switching hands for relief, one on the ladder for balance the other in frustration and pain turning the screws one turn at a time. On attempt three I chanted these three words and it was then I discovered the birds above me and the word patience slowed the turn of my hand allowing me to work with the screw instead of against it. Third time is a charm as they say. I climbed down shaking and crying in triumph as I sat in my chair and began to laugh my playlist switched songs and Bob Marley was singing to me "Don't Worry About a Thing" I laughed louder and looked at the half of the frame now laying on the ground and felt proud of my accomplishment. I am not quite ready for the left side yet, but like Bob said I am not worried I know now I can climb slowly up there and get it down and as time goes on I will get better at making repairs to my trailer, my home and my heart!
Thank you for a beautiful day oh great universe, thank you for the song Bob and thank you for the protection beautiful birds, one step at a time, day by day I will make this journey and no broken awning or whatever else lies ahead will falter me in my purpose.
I am a woman of courage, strength and I am learning patience! I love me today, what a way to celebrate Singles Awareness Day, self love is the best love!
|CREATIVITY IS MY MIDDLE NAME|
|LELANIA 1, AWNING 0|
|I GOT THIS!!!|
Giving, taking and accepting~
February 16th 2012
We all have our positions on giving, taking and accepting to and from others that we are most comfortable in, our habits so to speak. Some of us are takers some givers, striving for a healthy balance of the two is a challenge for some of us.
I am learning that where our needs to give or take stem from greatly affect the actual act of giving or taking.
I have always been a giver but not for all the right reasons. I thought that because I gave it made me a good person. If I were simply giving because another needed to take and I had surplus to give there would be no damage to me no reason for resentment of what I have given, no feelings of loss for what I have taken from myself, no expectations of debt on their part for what they accepted.
My need to give is a conditioned thought inside me that I have to give to be needed and being needed makes me valuable. I like the idea of giving and considering myself a giving person, however I have conditioned myself to play the role of the victim in many facets of my life and relationships in the past because of my own choices to give what I did not have to give away. So I wasn't really giving simply because I was a giving person. I was taking away from myself to fill my own need to be valued.
This pattern has caused me to lose friendships in the past, relationships in my life I valued but by devaluing myself felt victimized by another.
I have met myself on this journey in the form of young woman who in many ways mirrors myself in the areas of giving. I have known her for a couple years, and over the past year of my life that has been pure turmoil she has offered help many times yet I declined at each turn because I didn't know how to accept yet. She too is a giver but for the wrong reasons. This amazing young woman is a pure heart, she does not have a bad bone in her body. Ironically the same has been said about me over the years and I like her I have always had good intentions towards other but my lack of good intentions in my own life toward myself formed hurtful passive aggressive actions towards others in my life that I was unable to see.
Seeing myself in another is a powerful realization for me. My friend who offered me a couple weeks stay on her property honestly wanted to help when I was faced with the issue of a park in this area that does not discriminate against the age of my trailer. She wanted to give me land for my shelter, she did not have it to give to be honest. Sure she has lots of land around her home and the space being used is not an inconvenience. The space in her mind was not available and the time in her life not as well.
This has been a very valuable lesson for me in the way I recognize my past relationships with friends whom I have helped when I didn't have it to give, relationships that have mostly ended or paused in resentment with me feeling the victim of another when I was left without.
We can get to a place in life where we have created so many things that go wrong that we forget how to create things that go right. We need to clean the clutter in our house yet we cannot seem to tackle the mess no matter how many days we put into trying to sort through the mounds that seem to keep accumulating around us. Why because we get stuck in the routine of only seeing the mounds, we cannot see the clear space so by focusing on the mounds at every turn we are met with mounds at every turn.
I hear my own voice in the voice of my friend when she complains all day about how she cannot get this done or has to much to do and will never be able to figure it all out. She spends every moment of trying to accomplish a task talking herself out of the task at hand with negative talk. She out of the kindness of her heart found someone to help put the permanent vent covers on for me yesterday. Grateful and humbled I was through the experience. While my friend wanted me to receive help with a task she knew I could not do on my own and wanted to be able to help me, she really does not have the time to give toward my problems right now, she still has not learned how to give herself the time needed to accomplish her own tasks at hand. However the vent covers needed installing and I needed the help so it was accomplished and came with a lesson for me.
While the work was being done by a friend she enlisted, her pending list of never ending mounds was weighing heavy on her mind and like myself over the years she had to let out the resentment forming inside of her for being taken away from the focus she has grown accustomed to giving to the mounds that will not disappear. I heard myself in her voice as she complained almost the entire time she helped me to her son about what she is not getting done for herself. Her young son asked her to help bring out a bucket for me and she replied saying "I don't have time to help you help JoJo with a bucket when I am already helping JoJo with stuff I don't have time to help her with" and went on to list a dozen or so things she has pending to get done and complaining on how she can't get them done and won't get them done. I just let her vent because I recognized that I have only been here a couple days there is no way I am responsible for all her pending mounds in life, I knew she was just hurting and needing some release so I didn't personalize it.
Typically I would take the victim stance and be offended by her words, take blame on myself for her list of mounds and build resentments. Fortunately I got over that as the past three days was spent doing that and it got me nor her no where. I simply went into the house cleaned the kitchen and put away the dinner I cooked earlier for the family, put away the groceries she had brought in before coming out to help me, cleaned off one of the mounds on one of the counters and part of the mound on the kitchen table.
While I did so I sung happily and tested my self in positive thinking having just watched The Secret. Rather than focus on my friends words or actions of "I Can't" and growing tired of the repeated "I Can't" she chants all day long. I decided to focus on channeling my energy on wishing my friend success in completing her mound removal projects and hoped her peace of mind so she can begin to think "I CAN" I didn't do what I always do and give advise of how she should stop saying or doing this and start doing or saying that. It is easy to give advise to others and miss the fact that we do the same shit to ourselves day in and day out.
I had no resentments for her words and no resentments towards the help of cooking and cleaning, no need to say to myself I did this why is she treating me like I am taking from her when she helps me. No not last night. Reality is I needed help and she knew someone who could help me. Her words were not about me at all, they were about her inner voice screaming for her own help from a world of mounds she keeps burying her life and her feelings under and blaming others for the inability to tackle them when in fact she is giving to others what she does not have to take from herself.
My friend cares for me and she supports this journey, if she had it to give at this time her input would be tremendous and impact the cause greatly. I hope for her to find peace of mind to one day be able to do so.
Today she is stuck in a place I have spent most of my life and I recognize that until she is ready to unstick herself from that place it is her choice to be there. So I accepted the help and did what I could to lesson the mounds for her and in the end we are both okay and hugged good night with genuine care for each other.
I learned that what ever side of the giving or accepting equation I land on I control how I feel about myself and therefor can control how I act outwardly toward another. Valuable lesson for me.
This morning I woke up thinking of all those over the years I have helped and found myself angry at for what I took from myself in doing so. I remembered what it felt like to be a victim in my own mind to them when in fact I was a victim to myself. So I thought it would be a good idea to say I am sorry to those out there whom I have blamed for my own choices to give what was not available to give of myself.
If you are one of the many people in my life over the years I have helped and found yourself getting accused of taking from me and using me, I want to apologize to you here, I will I am sure find a better way to make amends later after I have had more time working on me first because truth be told I don't have a lot to give right now and am reserving what I do have for me. While this is a blanket apology it is all I have right now and it may not be enough but until I can take more from myself I say here I am sorry for blaming you for what I took from myself then. Like my friend I wanted to help you and my intentions were good, but I didn't have it to give and blamed you for taking when you knew how to accept what you needed and someone offered.
This journey is going to get more interesting in the lesson department I suspect. I hope all lessons reveal themselves to me as quickly as this one did. It is amazing how being stuck in a postition where I have no where to run immediately has humbled me and I am finding ways to survive it. Running from my problems has been a habit as well so this week I learned a couple lessons on how to deal with my problems, I learned that I can do more things for myself than I realized. I learned that I cannot run when there is no where to run to yet so I'd better make work what I have to work with. I learned that I am responsible for what I give, take and accept in life.
Thank you for the help my friend, you helped me in more ways than one.
February 18th 2012
Okay so this is one of those lessons I don't really know how to describe without embarrassing the crap outa myself but hey it is a lesson none the less and well it is a funny one so lets enjoy a laugh together tonight. So I am spending the night at my friend Diane's house and well she has this dog.. He's a cool dog, super friendly and loves to have company.
I was playing with him on the floor when he sneezes in my face, ewwwwwwwwwieeeeeeeee, so I am trying to get up and wipe my face at the same time and I'm on my hands and knees and he plants his nose right between my butt cheeks and gets himself a good whiff.
Now I am dying laughing because I am trying to get the dog sneeze off my face and have his nose planted in my keyster and he ain't movin, he's just sniffin away, I can't even get up at this point I am dying laughing, Diane is laughing, we are both laughing, he is sniffing and I am being accosted by the dog.
|The Dog who Accosted ME!|
He's a little tired now after all the excitement.... That's the most action I have had in a long time. hahahahahaha
~Road Rage, Rosemary & Sage~
February 19th 2012
February 19th 2012
Three ingredients give way to the recipe for a new page of lessons for me on this amazing journey.
An awakening, 24 hours of my life teaches me more than a life time of ignored lessons. At the beginning of the turn of our earth in my full circle day I noticed the blossoms on the Cherry Blossom Trees along the highway while enjoying a relaxing drive with my dear friend Colleen who calmed my soul as we embarked on our journey all along anticipating my destination and beginning Stella Day I didn't even remember the beauty and significance of the Cherry Blossoms till my ride home 24 hours later this morning.
During my pregnancy with Stella I had an unusual attraction to the Cherry Blossom Tree, I craved Cherries my entire pregnancy and found comfort in every image of the tree I saw. Before her I never really noticed the Tree and it certainly had no significance to me, Stella is the birth of the Cherry Blossom Tree for me.
After my heart warming day with my daughter I enjoyed the comfort and happiness of a night in the home of a friend who is so many things to me, she has grown to be my spiritual guide, my center for days when I need an ear to just hear and now my mentor in more ways than I can ever properly thank her for. Diane is a woman of the earth, she I believe has lived many lives as she is a wise and serene old soul. She has a comfort inside herself that surpasses any I have encountered. No self doubt, no need to fill her basket with temporary ingredients, no rush to accomplish goals, just organized thought and contentment with what is.
|Look Closely, God is in everything we see!|
We sat in her jungle of a home, she is what most green thumbs would envy, her love for her plants and animals is one a mother has for her child. She loves all plants and I believe has just about every species of plant you can grow indoors. Her craft for art spills over into her ability to love and nurture all things living around her. Her Orchids are quite breath taking and caught my attention the entire visit with a spirit all their own.
|Beauty is all around us, all we have to do is open our eyes!|
Her animals are characters all their own as well, her dog who gave us both quite the laugh last night snores like a drunken man, he loves his momma and he is a gentle soul who knows more than we do on any given day.
| A woman's best friend!|
|Thank you Great Spirit of life|
|I appreciate every story you share|
|You saw right through me, now I see you~|
|Where there was pain There is now Light~|
|I love you!|
Something inside of me instinctively knew to ask, and to graciously thank the Tree for allowing me to share it with the world as I captured it's essence on film I spoke to this amazement of nature and gave thanks for the release of my nightmares the night before now knowing there was a connection somehow. I realized while talking to this tree how beautiful it was, while it was gutted and hollow it was full of stories, fruitful with leaves and bursting with determined energy to live despite the concrete world around it. I though of us all, how we are stuck in the concrete around us, cement laid by our own doing that keeps our inner life force surrounded with the makings of man, materialistic possessions, portfolios, credit scores, etc.. All forms of cement we lay around us day after day forgetting the beauty inside of us that needs love and tenderness, needs to be seen. I also thought of the inner workings of this Tree. Not so unlike our own inner workings. We walk through life carrying many burdens on our heart, those burdens eat away at our Souls, surround our Spirits with cement and trap them inside of us till we forget they are there and condition ourselves to become bodies searching for a Soul rather than Souls living in a body. Though this Tree is gutted the light shines through it's openings to the center and breathes life. We too can release the pain inside of us by opening up and letting the light shine in, then the light within can shine out and we can begin to heal and start really living, break down the concrete built around us, live freely.
|Making our way back to One Love|
|Hurry, hurry so you can buy that house on the hill|
|Don't let life drive right by you|
I have driven this route a thousand plus times and just now realized how much of it I had never before seen. It occurred to me I have traveled roads my whole life missing all that lay beyond the concrete path I followed to my destination, a destination so important that I forgot about my final destination. My final destination, what is that? What it is depends on how I travel there. I know that today, literally I know that TODAY! I didn't know it every day before this day.
As we made our way through the mountains and passed so many trees I saw more Cherry Blossom Trees, I saw beautiful rolling hills, I saw the nature that lay just beyond the concrete path we traveled and realized something. I have been in hurry my whole life to get to places I don't even remember today. I have missed all the beauty around me and I have lived thinking I was achieving goals to get me to a place in life that I would find happiness while happiness was right beneath the concrete I traveled on, the earth, the trees, the Cherry Blossoms.
|Life in the slow lane, a life traveled better by far|
The happiness I find in these splendors of nature is more fulfilling than any brand new car ever was, than any impressive 3 story condo was, than any flat screen TV made me feel. All the things I hurried to be able to gain are not with me today, I do not miss them but I do miss all that I didn't see that was all around me every day of a life I lived in to much of a hurry to see it. I felt regret for passing that need to get to no where on to my children who now travel the road in a hurry to get to their destination as well.
|The light at the end of the Tunnel is at the Beginning|
I lived my life in a tunnel, driving along a road with so much beauty to occupy my trip yet my tunnel vision kept me suspended in darkness always seeking the light at the end of the tunnel. I chose to live that way, all I had to do was get in the passenger seat and let go, let the other driver drive. I never have been a good passenger, no my control issues left me paying attention to the road, my trust issues left me unable to relax and let it be while I saw all there was to see. I won't let that happen to the rest of my life, no Diane and her amazing energy gave me sight, thank you Diane you are alright!
Colleen, Diane, My Baby Daddies and Stella thank you for an amazing 24 hours of my life that taught me a life time of lessons, today I sit humbled at what can be accomplished in one turn of our mother earth, I stare in amazement at the life around me, the world we work so hard to own a piece of not recognizing we cannot own earth not even a little piece of it.
|When life gets to much to bare, pick cherries!|
Diane, you will always be Road Rage, Rosemary and Sage to me. You taught me a valuable lesson about the path we take in life, you shared your amazing home with me and you prepared me the best baked chicken and potato dinner with no salt and just the right combination of Rosemary and Sage. I love you my friend, your an amazing woman. Thank you~
Mistakes, Paint & Scented Cakes
February 21, 2012
|Good Morning Sunshine|
I woke up this morning feeling like it was going to be a great day to be overly optimistic, I couldn't help it the sun was shining in my window the birds were singing all around me, the roosters crowing and having watched "Turtle" the night before I was feeling nature. Singing and getting dressed I was feeling a little goofy . So I got dressed in my tank top that says "Shaken not Stirred" put on my "Monkey & Banana" Bandanna while I awaited Williams Plumbing to arrive to empty my tank that was full, very full, haha. So apparently you have to empty the thing occasionally.
|People Caring About People!|
Williams Plumbing was the best crappy experience I have ever had, Kevin the really helpful man who came out to help me was over the top with positive energy and advice. He started my day off in the best way, a true example to people caring about people. He also went out of his way to go to Ace Hardware for me without my knowing while I was out today and returned and left some tank freshener tabs in a little Ace paper bag on my step. Thank you Williams Plumbing for being great from the moment Amanda answered the phone till the moment I was surprised to find someone actually took time out of their work day to do such a kind thing as go buy a customer some freshener tabs and payed for them at that. I texted Kevin and said Thank you and he replied "Your Welcome, God Bless you on your Journey" Wow, what an amazing experience. Thank you again to all at Williams Plumbing here in the East Bay of Ca.
|Wish for it, Imagine it, Give thanks for it!|
In a great mood I headed down to my favorite store to hang out in, you guessed it "Home Depot" as I made my way to Home Depot in Antioch, Ca I was singing and enjoying the fresh morning air I thought to myself... "Self you know people make mistakes, maybe someone will make one soon" So I decided to go talk to the manager in the paint department and ask her if she would take my card and number to call me in the event someone made a mistake and they had some paint on clearance.
Well my hopes for another's mistake were answered immediately. The manager in the Paint Dept. is a great person, she took time to listen to my journey, we talked about my daughter, and she happily took me to the shelf where all the new mistakes sat waiting for me. She was so moved by my story she let the really cool guy behind the counter shoot extra color into the mistakes for me to get closer to colors I wanted.
|People Caring About People!|
I got 5 gallons and 3 quarts. Different colors, and I am super excited. And I got them all for the price of one regular exterior gallon! Woot, Woot~
Okay so the paint isn't perfect, Colleen and I are not pro's but you know what we are okay with that. Everything in life cannot be perfect. I trust that my paint will last because it was a gift so to speak. The gift came in another's mistake. The gift also came in great customer service, not the kind of service where someone is trying to sell you something, the kind where the people helping you are really trying to help you. We don't see that every day. I have this saying... "I wish we could go back to trading ducks for hens" because the world has become so materialistic and true happiness lost leaving many searching their whole lives for it and never finding it. Sometimes happiness is in another's mistake, or someone caring enough to take time out of their day to help another person out.
I plan on inviting Home Depot and Williams Plumbing to add their hand prints to the Tree of Life that we paint on One Love. I hope they will join us in Christening One Love when we finish the art work and everyone here I have met joins us in setting their hand print on the tree. I love the idea of all the good people on my Journey sharing in the growing of leaves on the tree that represents One Love, One Life, One Journey for us all together caring about ourselves, each other and our world.
So however this paint job turns out it will be done with love and if the paint peals off of my little One Love trailer I will paint it again. I mean think about it, paint chips, kinda like our attempts in life to succeed do. So try again, and this time do it with love and see what happens. Have a most blessed day beautiful world, I love you!
Monday March 12th 2012~
I am learning that deciding to no longer be a victim of life changes more than the quality of my life. It also changes the quality of friendships in life. I think the law of attraction definitely applies to all facets of our lives.
Waking up and deciding to have a good day no matter what comes my way has changed more than my attitude and the outcome of my days. It has also changed the way I interact with my friends. Many of my friends have gravitated away from me during these changes in my life.
The same way many gravitated away from me when my life became overly negative with catastrophic event after catastrophic event. My daily "why me" "nothing is going right" "this isn't fair" became too much and made being my friend draining I am sure.
At the time I couldn't see that most of what was happening to me I was responsible for. I got stuck in a place where all I knew was things going wrong. The law of attraction gave me exactly what I attracted.. More Drama, More Heartbreak, More Loss and Devastation. I got what I asked for without knowing I was asking for it.
|Nothing ever goes right, nothing! I don't understand why all|
this keeps happening to me, poor poor me, boo hoo!
I got in the habit in life of asking for what I didn't want. For example if I were driving across town and the gas light started blinking, I would say "please don't run out" "please don't run out” well I was asking for what I didn't want. I should have been saying "Please get me there, you can do it" and asked for what I did want.
Same goes for the rest of my life. I was asking for what I didn't want all the time. So that is what I got. I had a few friends who wallowed in my misery with me and those were the ones I felt the true friends. I have learned since changing my life those friends have also gravitated away from me. My daily happiness is not what our friendship was built on. Just like my daily celebrations in life have become annoying to them, their daily complaining had become draining to me. Trying to share with them my successes in changing my thinking and getting new outcomes hasn't been all that successful with some.
While talking with my little sister who has recently gone back to work after being home with the kids for some years to be their primary caregiver and grew depressed with life as many housewives do, I realized a few things. I was sharing with her my frustrations and confusion on a friend who I have been used to being able to talk to about anything, well anything used to be all bad. Today it is all good and my friend isn't very receptive to that, she ignores whats going on with me and we get right back to her miserable life with complaint after complaint. I explained to my sister that I have tried to give solution after solution to help my friend. Suggested she start watching documentaries like "The Secret" but she just wants to stay stagnant in her own world of "Nothing ever goes right" like I once did. I also shared how it kind of hurts my feelings that every time I share some excitement or happiness she doesn't even respond to it, she continues to go on complaining more about her own life.
My sister said.. "You know I am sitting here listening to you and I have to say I am going through the exact same thing with one of my close friends. It's like my friend can't stand to see me finally happy, yet was always there to listen to my depression and join in with many complaints of her own daily life."
She too has changed things in her life, she is now working out daily and back to work part time and happy every day. One of her friends who is caught up in daily complaints has been downright rude to her about her happiness and said "I don't want to hear about your damn workout, I'm so sick of hearing about it every day!"
She finally told her friend, "look, I love you and I am sorry you’re having a bad day AGAIN but please stop telling me how you don't want to hear about my good day. When I had nothing but complaints to contribute to a conversation you were all ears. Now I have some good news in my days to add to the conversation and you don't want to hear it. I'm sorry I keep talking about my workout; truth is it is making me happy each day and I enjoy the changes in my life. If you only want to complain about life I might not be the best person to do so to anymore."
|My Sister makes every day dress up day!|
My sister is always a positive and upbeat person. She is a fun Mom and great Wife. She went through a patch of depression because she wasn't taking any time for herself. Changing that got her back to the old her and she is back to having tea parties with her daughter and being a goof ball with her sons.
I took my sisters advise and told a friend of mine how I was feeling. I think doing so was a good idea and helped my friend to recognize some things as her response was much better than I would have suspected it would be. I hope the best for my friend and will think positive thoughts for her to turn her own life around and get out of that daily rut she chooses to live in just like I did for quite some time.
Making changes in our lives brings about change in all areas of life. When we decide to start choosing happiness over sadness, begin asking for success rather than creating failure with our own doubts and negative projections we discover that it really is as simple as choosing to make the change.
By changing just one thing in your life other changes begin to happen. The negative crowd that used to be at your door disappears and new friends begin to gravitate toward you. The law of attraction, happy attracts happy, success attracts success. Choosing to own my feelings and the outcomes of my day has changed them dramatically and the outcome of my day is no long dramatic. I am no longer a drama queen.
I also changed one more thing about my phone conversations with friends. Another friend called me about a week ago and the first words out of her mouth were... "I have to tell you something but if this gets out I will know it came from you" I replied.. "Stop right there, I don't want to know!" Shocked she said "HUH?" To which I responded "Look, if someone trusted you with a secret than do them a favor and keep it! I don't want to know it, I don't do gossip anymore! It's just not productive baby!" She said "Well, it's about me" I said "Okay if it's something you need to talk about that doesn't involve others, by all means I'm here to listen." She thought about it a minute and replied "You know, I think I'm gonna call you back!" I said "Good choice, talk to ya later." I avoided a bunch of drama that had nothing to do with me and would have honestly been a waste of air. Felt good!
|Ever wonder how many hours a year you spend on the phone talking about other peoples business? Time it for one week and see!|
While letting go of some friends hurts a little, I trust they too will walk the path they choose as did I and hope that they will join me on this better one someday and we can all laugh at how silly we were all the years we said.. "Why Me!"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Struggles and Vulnerabilities ~
Thursday March 15th 2012~
My Mother told me I should also write on bad days too. That sharing my struggles is as important as my triumphs. This is a good lesson for me because it requires me to be open and honest about my fears, disappointments and pain in life. Showing my vulnerable side is not easy for me. I have always felt like I have to be in control and make things okay.
So here goes. Today is just a day I want to cry a lot. I am really sad and in a lot of pain. I threw my back out and that puts me in super vulnerable position and reminds me of how alone I am at times. Yes I know there are people around me that care and help me but that's not what I am talking about.
I made this choice to walk a humbler path. To learn to reach out and learn to count on others and share the burdens in life I didn't realize how hard it would be to be let down or used by someone along the way.
Someone I believed to be a friend who really cared about this journey and me as a friend showed me otherwise 2 days ago and the pain of that is hard on me today. Also, I cannot seem to get a ride to Sacramento to go to my Grandsons birthday party and that hurts to realize. I am confused today. How is it that I am supposed to learn to trust myself and others enough to give up control and reach out yet those I trust cannot be there or do not hold up to their end of agreements made?
Why do people screw people over and find ways to justify it?
It took two days to write about these feelings because of a few reasons. One I am practicing positive thoughts towards all my Sisters the past 3 days and that is going pretty good. I honestly haven't had to correct myself to many times which tells me I don't do a lot of comparing to others to validate myself any more. That is good.
I also had trouble sharing these feelings because I wanted to make sure I am processing them correctly and not simply taking a victim stance on whats happening right now.
Having my back out and no pain pills is a huge challenge and so far I am winning that battle but it is taking it's toll on my emotions as most of my energy is going to block my pain. My office chair broke when I leaned sideways to grab something. It fell over and I hurt myself in the process. I am trying to think myself well but not doing so good at it today. I am just sad and think today is a good day to spend in bed babying myself a little then maybe tomorrow I will have some better news to report about my lesson in this all.
To top it off while I was being used by a friend for my time and talents my breathing machine was broken by their unattended child whom I love dearly so don't want to make an issue out of it. But this affects my sleep so I am sure I am more tired than normal therefor more emotional.
I just thought I should share this part of the lesson also, since we are all here in this place I am in some days and maybe exactly what we need to do is baby ourselves, have a good cry and just stay in bed.
I think I also need to forgive myself for making the choice to trust someone who I opted not to trust for a long time. Having known better I should have listened to my inner voice and therefor am a little angry with myself for allowing myself to get in a position of counting on someone to uphold their end of an agreement who has not been a supportive or reliable person in most areas of our friendship to date.
I need to understand that one of the reasons I left many in my life behind me is because I wanted to find people who were there in the good and bad times not only people there in the times that I had much to offer them. My not being able to get a ride to the party is a reminder of the pain I have felt many a days from friends and family whom I have helped many times with rides, money and more. It is still painful though and really makes me think has much changed back there? No, I don't think it has and that means I am best to stay out here I think.
I know there has to be a place in the world where a bunch of really nice people live who understand that friendship is a responsibility to be taken seriously and sometimes it means giving when it is hard to do so weather it be time, keeping an arrangement or helping someone move, haha now there is one that we all can relate to. Good I can still laugh, I think that is a good sign.
So my to do list today is to stay in bed, have a good cry and say to myself.. "Self it's going to be okay, your not completely alone, you have what you need and the Universe will take care of you, patience loved one."
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Thursday March 15th 2012
Never being very good at taking things laying down for long my day of staying in bed crying and babying myself only lasted about 45 minutes, haha.
|Jessica Marie and Bella Rena. I love you both so much thank|
you for being such positive and uplifting parts of my life always.
I told her I wasn't going to make it due to not getting paid for some computer work I did for a friend who backed out of paying me for the work done and now didn't have my train ticket money or money for a gift for my grandson or gas money to find a ride to Sacramento.
Well Jessica wasn't trying to hear all that and before I knew it I was on the phone with her Mother my dear friend and fellow Aries Rena who offered to pick me up Saturday morning super early so I could make the party.
I explained to her I had no gas money to offer her and she said no worries, if I didn't come listening to Jessica would cost her sanity so she could happily cover the cost of gas, lol.
I called my daughter in law Shawntice and explained I now had a ride to Sacramento but needed a ride back on Sunday and no gas money to offer her. She said no worries also and was understanding about the gift issue telling me that my being there to see Brandon Jr. was all that mattered and gift enough.
I spent about 5 more minutes in bed after hanging up the phone in tears over the embarrassment and touched by the understanding of not having money to purchase a gift for my grandson. But most of all tears of joy that I was going to get to go to his 3rd Birthday party and see him along with all my Grandchildren, My Sons and my Daughter in laws.
I decided that staying in bed crying was no longer on the agenda for today so I started with a facial and a mask to bring down the swelling in my eyes & got in the shower
The hot water on my back was a nice temporary relief and it felt good to wash my hair. Taking advantage of the hot water relief and tigers balm I just generously applied to my lower back it would be a good time to try to clean house a little and get dinner made.
As I sat at the bar stool in the kitchen of One Love creating my new version of spaghetti and meatballs to stick to my new diet I gazed out the window at the rain falling on the trees and whispered thank you to the universe for providing what I needed.
I thought about my friend who I was hurt over and decided that I would not waste any more energy being hurt over it and said a silent prayer for her to find herself and happiness in her life then said my emotional goodbyes to the hurt and disappointment.
I thought about The Secret and reminded myself that there are blessings in every challenge and this one was just another challenge. A painful challenge but oh well, mind over matter. I will deal with this like all other things in life now. With a positive and optimistic attitude that in time I will heal and until then challenge myself to continue on a healthy physical, emotional and spiritual path toward the life I am now dreaming for myself, one full of love and happiness.
As I sat down to write this Kirsten called to tell me she loved my post from earlier and that it was okay to have a bad day, even more so she was very proud of my courage to post such feelings and recognized how hard that must have been. I told her of my ride to Sacramento and she was super happy as Her and My Ex Husband will be there and very much hoped to see me there as well.
|Me and Self are gonna be Alright!|
After we hung up I thought to myself.. "Self, wow isnt that amazing. You are blessed with some pretty good people in your life these days, remember that next time you think yourself alone girl!" Self agreed with me and we smiled together.
Dinner turned out so good I thought I would share it with you all. So below is my new recipe to replace my favorite food in the world "Spaghetti and Meatballs". The recipe I made is gluten, preservative, additive and carb free! I hope you enjoy it as much as I am right now.
Today's lesson is that it is okay for me to share my bad days with you too. I mean we have them, right! I don't have to be perfect, some days I don't feel strong, some days I just want to cry. That is okay I learned today.
I love you all so much thank you for your support for me, self and this journey toward a world full of love for us all.
One People, One World, One Love!
|Garnished with Organic-Gluten Free Original Mary's Gone Crackers|
8 turkey meatballs (gluten and preservative free, Costco has a brand)
A good size handful of fresh green beans washed and cut in threes
1/2 onion sliced
2 cloves garlic diced
1 can of preservative free Italian stewed tomatoes
8 fresh spears of asparagus cut in fours
1/2 yellow bell pepper sliced
1/2 red bell pepper sliced
crushed pepper and sea salt to taste
2 table spoons of Tamari Sauce
1 table spoon of ground flax seed
a dash of garlic powder
a dash of oregano
a dash of basil
1 table spoon real butter
Saute veggies and garlic in butter, add meatballs cut in fours and canned stewed tomatoes, tamari sauce and seasonings. Let simmer for about 20 minutes. Wah Lah. Quick, healthy and very tasty. Enjoy.
Pride and Prejudice~
Thursday May 17th 2012~
This lesson is somewhat a repeat of the previous lesson "Giving, taking and accepting". However, since the post on helping others I have learned a lot about seeking the true intent behind my actions so that my actions can be reflective of honestly good intents rather than self serving ones.
I am learning that we can do good deeds and think our reasons for doing them are good reasons but underneath all that lies the true intent and most times that intent is self serving. Being able to see this is not easy as it requires me to look at myself. We are taught to look at our selves from outside eyes most our lives and therefor think that our actions are mirrors of who we are when in fact they are merely masks to unknowingly hide who we truly are.
Who we truly are is rarely discovered easily, especially for me I am learning. My need to think myself a good person my whole life made it hard for me to see the error in many of my ways of past.
Today I am blessed to see much sooner the truth in my intent and the choice I could have made differently to have produced better results.
A friend has been sharing with me her desires to help her family grow in a more positive direction. She has also begun to share with me her frustrations with one of her children who is not helping herself or the rest of the family. Her main focus when discussing this with me has been on her concern for her child who is an adult now. I felt okay with giving her some tools to help her by with a suggestion that by focusing on her own actions rather than her kids she may get better results. I suggested she not address them, or yell about what she was tired of rather she simply be quiet. She tried this for a day and came back telling me it worked well. The kids were confused by her being quiet and payed attention to what was going on whereas before they did not need to care what was going on because it was status qua.
I was pleased my advise worked well for her and felt some pride in my ability to help her solve a problem. That is where the pride in my abilities to help another began in this lesson. This is also where I allowed my involvement in her problems to increase whereas before I was limiting my involvement recognizing my own need for healthy boundaries and knowing that I cannot solve others issues today, I am trying to learn to solve my own and through sharing that am able to be of help. I may have majored in Physiology in my 20s for a brief time but certainly do not have a degree and do not get paid to be the expert on issues I am not an expert on.
Through the past few weeks her coming to me for advise has increased and my willingness to give it increased also. My true intent had shifted from helping for the sake of helping to helping for self pride in my ability to do so and in that I lost site of what was happening between her and I. I was allowing her issues to become my own and the more I allowed that to happen the less I was focusing on my own issues. This is a life long issue of mine. I try to fix others so that I can avoid doing my own work on me.
What started as her coming to me for advise on how to improve herself and her interaction with family members turned into her beginning to point the fingers solely at them with less attention on her own part in things. I missed this due to my pride in being helpful. I forgot that there is a fine line between talking with a friend about their issues and talking with a friend about a third parties issues.
See if I am honestly going to help in a situation that involves three people than all three of us should be involved as there are always three sides to every story... Yours, Mine and the truth in between. We are typically predisposed to see things from only our point of view as we operate from our emotions and feelings first. I know this yet I allowed myself to get sucked into a situation that I should have seen coming from a mile away.
A few days ago she expressed what seemed to be genuine concern for her child's issues, I suggested that she may be enabling the behavior and if she honestly wants to see results she should be honest with her grown child about her concerns but make sure they come from a place of love and concern so as not to put her child in a position of defense when approaching the subject. The advise was sound in retrospect but giving it was not. The fact that I did not have all the facts was the issue. I could not see the signs all around me, my intuitions turned off due to my underlying true intent that derived from pride of being helpful which led to prejudiced thoughts on the issues and me taking everything she shared as factual rather than emotional and in some ways manipulations of the issues to avoid her own responsibility in all of it. I was becoming her justification to exercise her need to be right.
The advice appeared to render good results for her on the day it was given, on day two when she was getting what she wanted she shifted course and set sail in a totally different direction taking me willingly along for the ride. As I sat painting One Love she throughout the day continually came to me with gripes and complaints about what was happening, I was ineffective in not only recognizing this but defusing it as I was preoccupied with my task at hand and determined to paint from love.
I have an amazing ability to tune out everything when concentrating one one thing. So as she came over repeatedly to gripe about one thing or another I replied with suggestions like prayer, or patience in attempts to defuse the negative energy being brought to my porch. This is where I should have drawn the line in the sand and set my healthy boundaries in this issue. I should have said... "Honey, I have helped you all I can with this, right now I am painting and need my painting to come from a place of love. I am sorry but today is not a good day for me to help you." I didn't do so until I reached a place where I could not say it in the right way.
I am learning about boundaries and learning how to not only set them but also how to stick up for myself, how to put myself first. There is all these things I am learning right now and some days I am failing miserably. That is actually okay, the good thing is that I am getting better at recognizing these things.
So I couldn't get the words out right so I just said... "I can't do this" she replied saying... "What?"
and I replied saying "I need happy right now, I cannot do this, I have to paint from happy" and she got upset and said sharply "well, I am sorry my life is not always happy" that is when I realized what was happening and calmed down a bit and replied "Honey I really need to paint from a good place, I don't expect your life to be happy all the time..." and before I could finish she turned and walked off angrily
I put up the paints and went inside left to my anger for being cut off and left in the middle of the conversation. I felt resentment toward her for being angry at me when I said I couldn't do it at that time, I felt anger for her disregard in my own time and my own feelings. I felt betrayed after having given her so much of my time the day before to help her with her issues. I cried and called my Mother.
Now calling my Mom is not the norm for me, or at least never has been before now. My Mom doesn't always tell me what I want to hear, in fact she often tells me exactly what I don't want to hear. So calling my Mom is something I have to force myself to do. My old behavior wants to call someone who will justify my feelings of being a victim or help me to elevate my feelings into more drama as I want to scream out loud in times like these. I recognize now that those type of conversations do not help me to find resolve and change. My Mother telling me what I do not want to hear at all times ends in a new perspective leading to me growing in a more positive direction.
My Mother has had many years of life lessons, many years of therapy and many years of recovery from old ways. Her advice comes from a place of only good intentions for my own personal growth. Knowing that I call her today so that I can hear what I don't want to hear. She was a reliable as she always is in saying things I didn't want to hear. I didn't want to hear that I should have set boundaries before this day, I didn't want to hear that I had fault in any of this. I cried and tried to get off the phone, she didn't bight. She knew I was upset and angry and wanted to scream so she let me cry and challenge her advice while she patiently and carefully continued to point out things I needed to hear. Wow, again I say wow at my Mothers ability to do this with me. By the end of our conversation I was no longer crying I was laughing, I felt 100% better.
My Mom helped me to turn the focus inward. She agreed that what took place between me and my friend was hurtful and a form of manipulation. However, she showed me my responsibility in letting it get to the place where that was able to surface. She helped me to see my true intent in allowing myself to get to involved in someone else's problems. She gave me a new path to walk down, one of self reflection.
After getting off the phone I spent the next day and a half to myself. I went inward and questioned my intent, asked where I could have made a different choice to render better results and yesterday it came to me. I saw where my intent switched from helping for the sake of helping to pride and prejudice. There was a big difference between my friend seeking an ear for her own issues and seeking a ally in pointing the finger at someone else. I should have seen that difference but my true intent masked that as my pride was blocking my vision.
Once I realized this I also realized that I was no longer mad at my friend for what happened. I am still hurt by her stomping off when I tried to express that I couldn't help at that time. I realize however, that her doing so was a sign pointing me in the right direction on this whole situation. Friendship is open and supportive, true friendship does not allow for things like this to happen because it respects our boundaries and does not have unrealistic expectations. My friend could have understood that I was busy with me, and could have chosen to be supportive of that. However, her choice not to do so is not reflective of anything about me, it is reflective of her own issues. I now do not have to personalize it even though it was painful. She is learning as am I. She wouldn't hurt me intentionally, and if I had drawn healthier boundaries from the start and kept my true intent on a positive non self serving path I could have avoided this all together.
By looking at what I could have done differently I was able to let go of the anger and resentment. I also do not feel the need to go fix what I did not break. What I mean by that is the old me would go apologize for the sake of argument at this point of seeing my ability to have chosen differently I would have taken all the blame. Today blame is not the important thing to me.
Me and my friend have not spoke much since then. She did come by to see if I needed anything from the store as she just got paid. I said no thank you. I think that may have been her peace offering, I chose not to allow her buying me things as a way to solve what happened. I did not do so with anger or resentment. I genuinely said no thank you as I was thankful for the offer. I was thankful as well as listening to my intuitions and recognizing that the true intent of the offer may not have come from a non self serving place.
Choosing to change my intent in my actions also helps me to recognize others intent more easily. That allows me to set healthy boundaries to avoid future issues like being reminded of what someone has done for me if their intent was not reflective of the action it self.
I realize today that I do not have to fix all things as soon as they happen, some times, most times all that I can do is fix me, my thinking. Recognize my intent and go from there in setting healthy boundaries for the future. Patience in the rest is all that is needed to allow all things to heal themselves in the manner they need to heal in. I cannot rush that process like I used to.
Again my paint brush is flowing from a good place and I can continue on my Journey. Learning to love myself is not as easy as I thought it would be. There is much more involved than looking in the mirror each day saying I love you. There is work involved and today I thank my Mother for her sound advise that I reluctantly take at first.
Today I am proud of me for calling my Mom. That in itself is a new thing for me. Seeking advise that promotes self growth and change can be hard to do when we are in the emotional tornado that wants to bring about destruction. Avoiding the aftermath of a tornado is a true blessing, thank you Mom.
Thank you for reading, I love you from a place of humility and understanding.
Community can be...
Wednesday August 8th 2012
...how we take it or how we create it!
The old saying love thy neighbor is one often unpracticed or not practiced at all. I think there are many reasons for that, one big one being our understanding of love in the first place. I dislike using the term "unconditional love" as love is without condition when it is really love. However we really do have two types of love in this world so it is the best way to be clear on which is which.
As humans we all share one common fear, the leading fear of fears if you will. That would be fear of powerlessness. No one likes to feel like other forces outside of our control can dictate our lives. In our attempts to feel secure we seek external power in the form of things or in attempts to control our environment and others in it.
There is always going to be someone knocking on our door with a big pot of "Drama Stew" that they are hoping we can help them to stir. A wise woman once told me "be careful who you let into your home for some carry with them intents that can become your own if you are not careful". I didn't always listen to wise women when I was younger, haha.
Honestly I didn't really understand what she meant and I have always opened my door to all who knock in the past. Today is different. Today I also understand what she meant. Everything is energy, you are energy, I am energy. Our thoughts, emotions, intentions all energy. When our intents are negative we put off that energy around us, the same when our intents are positive. Negative energy can get trapped inside of us without us realizing it, even others negative energy if we have places in us that are vulnerable which we all do, some days more than others.
I have lots of vulnerable spots as I am working daily to clean away the many layers of past pains and resentments on this journey. Some of the things I am trying to let go of have been there for a long time and don't want to go so easily. Those are the places in me that are the most eager to attract negative energy to feed on. So for me it is really important to do my own inventory daily.
It is also important for me to remember that I am only responsible for my actions. I say to myself daily "how others treat me is their karma, how I react is mine" to remind me that if I want to keep moving forward in overcoming my fears I have to be responsible for how I feel first.
Someone showed up at my doorstep yesterday and I invited them in out of the heat. I didn't see the pot of drama stew until the spoon was pulled out. I was quick to recognize that I didn't want to help stir the pot but not so quick to realize what was really going on. I very nicely said "I am sorry, I do not do drama, I don't like gossiping and I really need to know others business like that" to which a response of "oh, I don't gossip either. I am just trying to warn you that so and so is a very negative person, the other day..." I stopped her right there and again nicely said "like I said I am very sorry but I do not want to hear about other peoples business. This is my 5th location on this journey and one thing I have learned about RV parks is to not get involved in the Jerry Springer he said she said circuit, it just doesn't end well honey. Now I was in the middle of working on my book and need to get back to that was there anything else you needed?"
I had to explain it nicely a couple more times as she tried a couple more times to explain it to me in a way I would accept and allow her to continue with what ever she came here to do. I wasn't having it and held my ground in a peaceful way. I am really proud of me for that for a couple reasons. I remember when I used to be a drama queen myself, and I also was pretty good at acting like I was talking about others out of concern for someone while I was really only using projection to avoid my own issues. Truth be told normally what we talk about in others are the things we despise in our own selves. I was also proud of myself for not being rude about my asking her to leave. Being someone who always spoke my mind honestly I didn't always do it with kindness in the past.
I am getting better at sticking up for myself and having done it a few times now I don't get as upset these days. I am learning to speak my peace and my truth quietly and clearly and that really rocks. So while I did see the pot of Drama Stew and declined an invite to help stir it up I didn't realize the motive behind it had more to do with me than I knew. This person was operating from a place of their own guilt for also stirring the pot elsewhere in a way that effected me. So before I could discover this she decided to come on over and build some alliance with me by offering me some stir time. She didn't know how to react to my honesty and my declining her offer and fought a little to accomplish her goals only to leave unsuccessful.
When I found out what was going on I was a little hurt and a little pissed off to be honest. I had nightmares last night because I went to bed carrying that anger and pain with me into my dreams. The negative energy of another had attached itself to some old wounds that I relived in my dreams. I woke up feeling so much inner pain and turmoil. I sat drinking my coffee and listening to some music trying to forget the dreams. Than I realized I need not forget them rather I needed to heal the pains that caused them. I started by cleaning the negative energy out of my house and off of me with some incense and prayer and a nice shower while talking to Spirit asking for guidance to cleanse these negative emotions and energies from me.
Than I took Marley out for his run on the bike trail and with me I brought a garbage bag. As we went down the bike trail I collected garbage in the bag. I have been doing this for a couple of days now. It started with one piece of garbage. I told myself I would clean up a piece a day, but as soon as I picked up one I saw another and that little voice inside me I refer to as Self said... "how can you pick up one piece and be indifferent to the next and feel like you have accomplished a good deed." Self is real big on matters of conscience and I now trusting her more and more had to listen. So this has become a daily ritual of mine now. Well, today I talked to Gaia as I picked up trash on my way down the trail. I found myself in tears at some points as I felt the energy of Our Mother Earth from being mistreated by us with our careless ways. I apologized to her for my own carelessness over the years and promised to show her love and together her and I can heal both our wounds. It was an amazing morning on the bike trail. I stopped at my favorite spot and prayed for release of the negative feelings and energy in me. I also prayed for help in setting an example of community so that I can be a productive part of this community rather than one who promotes drama or separation. There are so many good people here trying to build a community built on togetherness and acceptance. Being a positive part of that feels really good and I don't want to lose that ya know.
By the time I got home I had come to the conclusion that Community can be how I take it or how I create it. I decided that I can only be responsible for my own thoughts and actions and also decided that I want those thoughts and actions to be in alignment with an honest intent to produce positive results.
Shortly after returning home drama knocked on my door again with yet another attempt to bring warning of this and that to me. I shut drama down quickly this time, but this time knowing the motives and intents behind the actions I did so carefully and with offers of only love and peace. I did not feel the need to bring up any of the negative stuff, that had been released. I also did not allow any more to be offered to me and quickly moved on from drama to some positive things that make me feel good. Today painting was my outlet. I am painting for Mr. Marley a dog house out of recycled materials and my cool neighbor Karen is helping me, she had the brilliant idea of making curtains for the window. Oh Mr. Marley is one lucky bugger, haha.
After applying the base coat I came inside and spent some time praying for assistance in helping this situation to improve rather than escalate into something else. I realized this was also happening when I saw this person throughout the morning making rounds around the park to person after person. I remember when I used to do that so it wasn't hard to recognize. See when we need to feel just we seek out others to help us feel that way and the best way to do that is to involve others and build allies by creating drama and false evidence appearing real. If we can get others mad about something than it becomes their fight also, in fact it becomes more thiers than ours if we can make it personal.
Like myself, I don't believe she knows that is what she is doing. I sure didn't know it when I operated from places of negative energy. I wanted to be a good person, we all want to be good people. And we spend most of our lives telling ourselves we are by pointing the finger at others for various reasons.
After praying and meditating I came to the conclusion that friendship is best judged by looking within. So if I want to be good part of this community I have to look within and not worry about the intents of others. So I said goodbye to any fears of what is to become of this and promised to only express love and peace to all here as this community is my home and we are all equally a part of it and equally valuable. There is a lot of changes going on and that can be scary sometimes. I need to be patient with others who are not easy to adjust to change or who operate from a place of fear because not only have I been where they are, I am who they are. We are parts of each other and there are lessons to be learned here that I didn't master earlier in this journey in my dealings with my neighbors. If I want to love thy neighbor I have to do so without conditions right! Them loving me as a condition is still a condition.
So I decided to think of something nice I can do that might help build bridges rather than burn them here in this community. I started a list of ideas and will let you know what I come up with.
Remember I am still a work in progress and learning how to process all this stuff so I really appreciate you allowing me to journal blog today, haha. This is part of me sharing the lessons during them. This lesson is a work in progress too and I hope it becomes one that can help us all to extend the concept of community from being a concept if ya know what I mean.
I love you all from a place of self inventory and gratitude that I know a little something about that.